4. Essa
four
Essa
M y room is situated between the medical alcove and the pleasure crew room. It's a smaller room because I rarely spend time in it, especially since Sloane joined the crew.
If we're together, it's in the entertainment room or kitchen or anywhere but my small room. It's not that I don't like my room, because I do. It's the perfect size to keep protected as a single Haventh. There is a stark difference between it and the grand opulence I used to live in, too. Maybe that's why I like my tiny room, even when the rest of the crew tells me I should take one of the bigger ones.
I pull out my stash of colorful markers that I use to write things on my whiteboard. It takes up the most space in my room besides my bed, but it's the best gift I've ever received. I like writing out problems, lists, things to do, and desires I have.
I once commented to Jovi about wanting one when we first started out on a ship—long before we started our crew. Still, he remembered that I wanted one, and when he saved up enough credits, he bought it for me. It's my most loved and most used present.
I stare at the clean whiteboard and think about what list to start now. 'Reasons Why Adam Hates Me.' No, that's too depressing to think about right now. 'Finding a Pleasure Crew.' No, I shouldn't add another person to the crew, even though finding release with a partner might help to soften how unfair this all currently feels.
Oh, I know the perfect thing to start planning. I write the name of my plan in big block letters across the top of the board and am just about to start outlining the essential things to get figured out when I hear movement outside my door. I flip the whiteboard around quickly and press it close to the wall.
"Essa." Sloane's voice is soft on the other side of my door.
She could come in if she wants. She has access to almost all of the ship's rooms. The only one she doesn't have is Holoth's room, but that can be fixed since he's no longer here to use it. Even Helna is now gone. She ran off to sneak onto a Sombran's ship, and we're all still waiting for Phial to tell Holoth that he lost his sister after inviting her to explore the cosmos with us.
Sloane knocks on my door, and I frown, my tail squeezing my ankle harder. I'm embarrassed. Not just from being dismissed but because I thought about things I shouldn't.
When I want things, they're taken away from me. I should've been happy with my new friends and crew. I don't need anything more. Thinking about more only leads to sadness. I know this, yet sometimes, I struggle with feeling like this is enough.
"I'm coming in," Sloane calls out, but the door doesn't open. Instead, I hear another door in the hallway open and Sloane's muffled voice. "Can I help you?"
A male, probably the dark-haired one, Adam, says something to Sloane that I can't make out.
"No, my room is down the hall. The two big purple guys are my mates," Sloane answers. Her voice is calm, so he isn't asking her anything that should worry me.
I'm kind of upset that she's so calm, though. It's not that I want Sloane to be upset, but when the male talked to me, his words were filled with anger, and his eyes were filled with hatred. I didn't get soft, murmured words without hostility.
I'm not jealous of my friend because there's no way she's interested in the clone. She loves Alik and Jovi more than anything ever. But I am jealous that I don't get the same kindness or, at least, the same nonaggressiveness.
Adam says something else, just as muffled by the door and the deep rumbling of his voice. Stupid smooth rumble, and the way it makes my skin tingle and my fangs thrum.
I lick at the tip of my fang and pull the venom from it, swallowing the sweet taste of it down. It won't do anything to me, but it could hurt the others if they somehow ingest it. I don't like dripping venom and can usually keep it under control. If my fangs are going to be an issue, I'll need to drain them early, and I dislike draining them.
"No, Essa's in here," Sloane says. There's a brief pause where no one speaks. I can imagine Adam's eyes hardening, his lips pulling back in a scowl. "What's Seth's issue with her?"
The question catches me as off guard as it must catch Adam because there's only more silence. Seth doesn't have an issue with me. Or at least I don't think he does. He told Alik it was better if I wasn't around him, but I thought it was because of how much Adam dislikes me. Maybe Seth said something else while Sloane was nearby to make her think he hates me as much as Adam does.
That would be my luck. I frown harder at my hands as I decide if I'm going to go out in the hallway or not. I kind of enjoy eavesdropping, but I also don't like Sloane getting close to Adam. If he hates me, what if he gets her to hate me, too? She's my best friend. I don't know what I'd do if she didn't want to be my friend.
I don't want to hear them talking anymore or give him more chance to turn her against me. So, I scramble over to the door, my tail tight around my ankle, and open my bedroom door.
My heart sinks when I see Sloane standing closer to the pleasure crew room, Adam leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest, his gaze hard but not filled with fire and anger like when he looks at me. When my door opens, they both turn their attention to me, and I try to plaster a full smile on my lips, even if it feels fake, even if I feel fake.
"What are you two discussing?" I ask, my voice sounding much more at ease than I feel. I'm practiced at sounding happy even when I'm not. It doesn't do well to worry my friends when I'm sad over my lack of love and family.
I try to keep my eyes on Sloane because she's smiling. She's still my friend, she doesn't hate me. Of course, I only manage to keep her eyes for a moment before my own stray to the human clone.
I worry my lip with my fangs. They've elongated even more. I'm sure it looks like I want to attack him, but it's an involuntary reaction to finding someone attractive or a threat. I find Adam to be both. I want to press my teeth to his throat and fill his body with my venom so no other Haventh can sway him.
Venom drips from the tip of my fangs, and I lick at it, dragging the clear, viscous liquid from the tip back into my mouth and swallowing it down. Adam's eyes watch the movement, narrowing slightly, nostrils flaring—pupils dilating?
I want to march over to him, take his chin in my fingers, and tilt his face to meet mine so I can view those pupils up close. It must be a trick of the lighting, or maybe because his eyes are already so dark, it looks like they're dilated in lust. The same way Sloane's and Avery's do when they look at their males. It's a human tell, one for other species, but very much evident in humans. I just don't understand why Adam's looking like that now.
"We were discussing Adam's bad attitude, weren't we?" Sloane gives him a bright smile and nudges his shoulder.
His lips pull up more, but his eyes don't leave mine. Of course, he wouldn't miss a moment to stare me down.
"Should I let you get back to that or…?" I let the question fade, hoping Sloane tells me she'd rather hang out with me than talk with the snarly human male.
But maybe she wants to be friends with him. Maybe he's kind when I'm not around. He didn't sound like he was snapping and snarling at her before I came out.
"I'm leaving," Adam says, his lips pressing tight as his nostrils flare. "Seth is in the kitchen?"
"That's where I saw him last," Sloane says.
Adam doesn't say anything else. He just pushes past her and heads down the hall. His shoulders are tight, his fists clenched at his sides. I'm sure his back muscles are flexed, and I don't stop myself from letting my eyes fall on his shapely backside. The male obviously takes care of his body, I might dislike him for being such an ass to me, but I can still admire his attractiveness.
"So…" Sloane draws out the word, and I slowly move my attention over to her. She gives me a knowing look, and I shake my head.
"I can think he's pretty and still want nothing to do with him," I tell her. "You've met him. He's a jerk. I don't need jerks in my life."
"Probably wouldn't mind a jerk in your bed, though." Sloane wiggles her brows at me before looping her arm in mine and ushering me down the hall toward her room that she shares with Jovi and Alik.
"At this point, I wouldn't mind anyone in my bed," I groan. I'm a female who enjoys companionship in all forms. It just so happens that physical intimacy has been something I haven't gotten in a long time because we've been working so much. "I'm not kidding. I'm getting desperate. What else would you call it?"
"I don't know." Sloane shrugs before casting me a devious look. "Maybe you have the hots for humans."
I press my lips in a tight line and glare at her. "Two of my best friends are humans. I think that's enough humans for me forever."
"Oh, okay, so you don't want to watch to see what they're all saying in the kitchen right now?" Sloane asks, plopping down into a chair at Alik's desk and typing something into his comm screen.
I know she's baiting me, but I can't help my curiosity. I'm a curious creature by nature. I always have been. I meander over to where she's sitting. My tail finally uncurls from my ankle and twitches behind me in interest. I try to stay nonchalant, but Sloane knows me well.
"How could we know what they are saying?" I ask, resting a hand on her chair and leaning over to watch her type the password into Alik's comm. The three monitors come to life, and she clicks on a few applications before surveillance camera feeds show on all three. My eyes go wide when I see them, and then worry flickers through my mind. "When did he do this?"
"When he was locking himself away in his room after I joined as his pleasure crew." Sloane laughs as she messes with the settings until sounds come through the camera feed from the kitchen. "He only watches me and doesn't do it with sound. We're more nosy than him, though, so we're definitely listening in."
"Definitely." I kneel beside her, leaning closer to the monitors as she adjusts the volume.
Jovi, Alik, and Phial were all nearby when I left the kitchen, but now there's only Seth sitting at the island and eating pizza alone until Adam walks in. The others must've just left because I hadn't been gone long.
"What are you doing?" Seth asks when Adam takes the seat next to him.
Adam's fingers twitch at his sides, but they're not balled into fists like they were when he was talking to me. His muscles are still tense, though, his whole body rigid like he's always ready to fight. Maybe he is.
"I came to find you," Adam says, his voice gruff.
He settles in on the stool and presses his palms flat against the countertop. That's when I see the cracked skin on his knuckles and the blood on his hands. They didn't look like that earlier, so these are new wounds.
I lean closer to the comm screen to see if I can make out any bruising on Seth. Adam was upset earlier, but I don't think he'd take it out on his friend.
Seth lets out a long exhale as he notices the hands and then places one of his over Adam's. My brows shoot up. Okay, so more than friends. Maybe that has something to do with how upset Adam was earlier. I was very much admiring how Seth looks right in front of Adam, so maybe that's why he hates me. Jovi and Alik probably hate all the males who gaze at Sloane with lust.
"You were an asshole," Seth says, turning to face Adam, frowning slightly when Adam tries to jerk his hand away. "They already know. Phial, the one you called a lizard, asked if you fuck me."
I can feel the rage radiating off Adam without being near them. Seth's ready for it, though, and tightens his hold on Adam. They sit there silently for a long time, staring into one another's eyes.
Sloane messes with the sounds, thinking they might be whispering to one another when it goes on for a few minutes. She has it turned up all the way, but we still can't hear anything. She returns it to a normal volume, and we just watch them stare at one another. Their facial features move. Looks of anger, confusion, and irritation pass over their faces at different times, almost like they're having a conversation, but only with their expressions.
"I'm not fucking doing that!" Adam pushes out of his seat and stomps through the kitchen. He doesn't go very far before running his hands over his short, dark hair and turning back around. He gives the end a sharp tug as his narrowed eyes fall on Seth.
There's more silence. More of Adam stomping around the room. Sometimes, he walks away from Seth just to snap back around with fury on his face. Still, there's no talking, just dramatic facial expressions like they're arguing.
"Fine," Adam says, fishing something out of his pocket and tossing it to Seth.
His jaw ticks as Seth lifts the pleasure crew pendant and frowns. The red glow casts an odd shadow across his face before he sets it on the counter, sighing and looking at Adam with a sad tilt on his lips.
A few moments tick by before Adam moves in front of Seth, getting close to his face. "This was your choice. You wanted this. Do whatever it is you want."
Seth takes a deep breath but doesn't cower or flinch. Even when Adam steps closer to him, his hand fisted in Seth's shirt, the other hand on the countertop behind him.
"What do you want to make this better?" Seth asks, moving the pendant further away from both of them. It's still red, and I don't know what they plan on doing with it, but it must be something important.
"I don't want to lose you," Seth says, cupping Adam's cheek and causing a weird fluttering in my belly.
Okay, so maybe I like the idea of them being together. They're handsome men. I'm sure it's not the first time someone has thought to be aroused by seeing them touch each other.
"You don't want to lose me?" Adam asks, a mocking tone in his voice like he doesn't believe Seth.
"Don't be like that," Seth says, his voice soft. He leans his face closer to Adam's and presses their foreheads together. This moment is getting too intimate, but Sloane is just as invested as I am, so we continue to watch. "You know I love you."
"Then show me," Adam growls.
He moves his hand from the countertop to the back of Seth's head and tangles it in his red curls. Seth hisses in pain, and his eyes flash before he allows Adam to manhandle him out of his chair and onto his knees. I lean in closer, curious if they're about to do what I think they're about to do.
"Show me who you want," Adam says while Seth tugs at the button of his jeans, unzipping them and pulling them down so he can shove his hand inside. "Show me you want me more than—"
The comm screens go black. I'm shocked that Sloane would turn it off. Except when I turn to look at her, she's looking at me like I'm the one who turned it off. There's a harsh chuckle behind us before Jovi puts his hands on his mate and pulls her out of Alik's chair.
"Nosy little mate," Jovi teases her as he wraps her in his arms and pins her to his body.
Alik stands behind them, his personal comm in his hand, and the controls for his monitors are pulled up. He shows me the controls, proving he knows what we were watching and that we were both perfectly content with watching even more.
"I should get going." I clear my throat as I stand, my tail thrashing behind me in embarrassment. At least I wasn't caught watching alone. That would've been far more humiliating.
I'm almost out the door when I hear Sloane shriek and giggle. I wince, not needing to see anything about what's about to happen in the room. I let out a long breath in the hall, but the door opens again, and Alik stands there, frowning down at me.
"Give it some time," he says, not telling me what to give more time to.
I send him a short nod, knowing I don't need to know what he's going on about for him to think I understand. He's already going back into the room, so he wasn't going to explain it in more detail anyway. I shrug and turn back around to go to my room, promising myself I won't think about what's currently happening in the kitchen.