Nineteen
Elijah
Hungry and ready to be out of here, I turn off all the lights and grab my keys from under the bar. It’s been another long day of me waiting for my phone to go off and to hear new information about my husband’s case. I’m doing what they asked—letting them handle things. Landon would have wanted me to, and trying to take matters into my own hands has probably only made shit worse.
Yes, I ran into the man responsible for what happened to my husband on that boat, but I also let him get away.
Rubbing my aching eyes, I walk around the counter and head for the doors. My foot hits something as I’m exiting the store. Bending down, I pick up the smashed, wilting pink head of a carnation and run my fingers over the top before shoving it in my pocket. This has been here for days and I’ve somehow missed it along with life happening around me. I said no to going out for drinks with friends. I turned Jessa down for a lunch date, saying I was busy when I wasn’t, and I’ve gone straight home after working only wanting to see one person.
He hasn’t come by since the last time he was here. His wife hasn’t been back to work at the restaurant yet either. I’m not sure how I’ll be able to talk to her after everything. I’ve kissed her husband several times, had his cock in my mouth and used it to get off. Who have I become? I’ve gone from a grieving, angry widower seeking vengeance to some home-wrecking, confused, lust-sick mess, who still wishes my husband would walk through the front door of our home asking if I’ve had dinner yet.
I lock up behind me and get into my car, setting my new find on the dashboard. I stare at what’s left of the flower, pulling at one of the petals to bring it to my nose before driving home. Silas must have dropped it, and for some odd reason I’m keeping this piece of him with me. I can’t leave it behind, the same way I can’t stay away from him for too long.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t know why my head is so fucked up lately. I wish you were here to give me those words of wisdom you used to offer.”
I squeeze the wheel, smiling down at the photo of Landon and me. Long silence stretches around me, stabbing at my ears. Unable to take it anymore, I turn on the radio. I’m tired of these one-sided conversations with Landon. Everyone I know says talking to loved ones you’ve lost helps, and at first it did. Then the silence stretches on for so long without any kind of response I grow angry and my heart hurts all over again. What I’d give to hear him talk again. To hear his laugh and have him tell me not to worry, that my next smile is just right around the corner.
You just have to keep moving, mi amor.
Yeah, my head really is a mess. I reach my house and sit in my car, not ready to be alone. The silence is way louder inside. My phone buzzes and my heart jumps when I read the message from an unknown number.
Looking for a little good to go with your bad today?
Sucking in a breath, I slowly blow it out as I glance between the photo and carnation.
Me : Always.
Meet me at my house?
Me : You sure that’s a good idea?
Probably not, but maybe good ideas need bad ideas the same way bad things need good things.
Me : Maybe we can test that theory out another day. How about you meet me at the lake instead?
I’d tell him to come here but it doesn’t feel right to have another man in my house yet. Not when I can still picture Landon in every room.
Yeah, okay.
I set the phone on the passenger seat and shove the flower in the glove box, not wanting him to question why I have it when I still don’t know myself.
Starting the car again, I head for the lake, and Silas is pulling up in the main parking area the same time I am. He gets out before I do, slowly walking to my car. I open the doors and he climbs into the passenger side in one swift move, closing himself inside.
“Hey.” His voice is soft and delicate, nothing like the way I view him. To me he’s strong, and capable of much more than most people give him credit for. I’ve seen it firsthand, he’s a fighter through and through. He wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t.
“Hey yourself. Everything okay?”
He looks down at his shaky hands before his eyes meet mine again. “Not really, but it feels like it could be here.”
“Yeah?” I trace his lips with my thumb.
“Yeah,” he responds almost breathlessly. “Touch me again?”
“Here?” I glance around the empty parking lot.
“Yeah. Please.”
Wanting to remove the pain in his eyes any way I can, I nod and run my hands everywhere his clothes allow me.
“More.” His eyes water and the desperation is palpable.
I shove my seat back. “Take your pants off and come here, Sunshine.”
His eyes heat and he removes his pants, taking his time climbing into my lap. He’s wearing a black jock strap, and fucking hell, I was not expecting that.
“I um . . . thought it could make things easier.”
I lift a brow, chuckling halfheartedly. “Easier for what?”
“You know.” His head lowers, cheeks blushing so bright they’re even hard to miss in the dark.
“I don’t. You have to tell me.”
“For you to touch me there again. I . . . liked it.” He still doesn’t meet my eyes and I lift his chin, kissing his lips.
“Did you?”
“Yeah. I’ve never . . . No one’s ever done that before, and it was kind of weird but also made me curious what it would be like if you . . .” He lets out a shaky breath. “Fuck. I guess not all things are easy with you.”
I smile. “That’s okay. Not everything will be. You want me to touch your hole more?”
His eyes are as big as saucers and I laugh again. “I’ll take that as a yes. I can do that but next time you’ll have to tell me ahead of time so I can bring some lube. It won’t feel very good without it.”
“I have some in my back pocket.”
Why am I not surprised? “Of course you do. Go ahead and reach down and get it.”
Appearing shy again, he bites his lower lip and leans toward the passenger side to get his jeans. After grabbing what he needs, he tosses them on the seat and hands me the packet.
“I guess I’m doing the honors then.”
“I’d prefer if you did. I have no experience with it. You probably know more than me. At least it seems like you would with how you . . . Not that I’m assuming—”
I press a finger to his lips. “Relax. I got you, Sunshine.”
“Okay. I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing. You don’t have to do that with me.”
The tension in his body lessens and he watches in anticipation as I squirt lube onto my fingers. He’s so curious about everything, not wanting to miss anything I’m doing with my hands. I blow warm breath over the cool liquid and his gaze follows my fingers, craning his neck to see them disappear between his cheeks.
He rocks his body as I’m rubbing over his hole and I’m not sure he knows he is doing it. He’s so eager and needy, his sounds matching his movements. In some ways he reminds me of Landon but in others he doesn’t. Like now. He’s all him, his lashes fluttering and long neck stretching back as I slide a finger past his entrance. I’m not used to prepping someone, and I like it way more than I thought I would.
He’s so warm and welcoming, his hole like a vise around my finger as I go deeper.
“Ohh.” His eyes roll back, his breaths stuttering as he lifts his ass to give me more access. Oh, he’s loving this and pressing down on my finger, his face lighting up in the dark.
I twist and curl my finger, earning me more sexy sounds. They go right to my cock and I feel like I could come from his reactions alone. I slide in and out of him a few times before adding a second digit, and after a while he starts to ride me, rocking his hips faster when I find his sweet spot.
“Oh, fuck.”
“You really do like this, don’t you, Sunshine? You’re practically glowing. And those beautiful sounds you keep making. You’re making my cock really jealous of my fingers right now, you know that?”
“It feels so good. Fuck, it feels so good.”
“That’s your prostate. You like having it rubbed? You like having your hole fucked?”
“Yes. Oh, yes. I think I’m going to come.”
I slide my hand up his shirt, caressing one of his nipples, and his hole pulsates around my fingers, his breaths coming out in pants. He slams down harder, rolling back and forth, chasing his orgasm. Eyes rolling back, he sucks in a deep breath, his underwear soaking wet when I rub over the front.
“So beautiful.” I kiss his face, slowly pulling my fingers out, and he goes still in my arms. I hold him close, not letting go until he’s moving back into the passenger seat.
“I’m sorry,” he says, eyes frantic as he remembers where we are. He was too drunk with need and want to care before. It’s like he’s starting to view everything clearly again now that he’s sated.
“What did I tell you about saying that word when you don’t need to?”
He fidgets with his shirt. “Force of habit, I guess.”
“One I plan to help you break, at least with me. If I hear you say it again when you’ve done nothing wrong then I won’t let you come next time, you hear?”
“O-kay.”
I smile at something flashing in his eyes. So damn curious and ready to explore anything I throw at him. I could get used to this. Landon liked things how he liked them and that was it. “We should probably get out of here before some cop shows up and we get a ticket for public indecency.”
“Yeah. Shit. Didn’t even think of that.” He reaches for his pants and quickly tugs them on, wrinkling his nose when he glances inside his underwear. “I need to get home and shower anyway.”
“Or we could go for a late night swim.” What am I saying? I don’t get in the water, but I don’t want him to leave yet, and if he goes home who knows when I’ll get this again. I’m not ready to be alone in the dark. To be without my sunshine.
“You’ll swim with me?” His eyes blink slowly and he bites on his lower lip.
“I will.” My words are too fast for my brain, and by the time I realize what I’ve agreed to I’m being dragged toward the water, unable to turn back once half our bodies are submerged.
He’s wearing only his underwear and I have on all my clothes, minus my flips flops. I clench up at first, the water feeling like glass around me the deeper we go. Then he wraps his legs and arms around me, lessening the tightness in my chest. He’s all I see and all I feel. Nothing good has happened to me in the water. Not until today.
“I told you I could change your mind.” He waggles his brows, dragging us under the light post.
“You did.” I just didn’t expect him to do it with so many different things.
We swim and talk about whatever pops into our heads, sneaking kisses between it all. Right when I think I could see myself jumping in the lake more often, a boat drives by, ruining our good. The loud motor makes me jump and I quickly rush back to land with a worried Silas following behind me. He looks at the rippling water and back at me, grabbing his clothes. Then realization flashes in his eyes when I don’t stop walking until I’m back at the car.
“Oh, Elijah, I’m—”
“Don’t.” I quickly turn around, pointing a finger at him. “You still have no reason to use that word.”
His lips fold in on themselves and I can tell he wants to say it again. She really makes everything feel like his fault, doesn’t she? No wonder he looks so free when she’s not around— when he’s with me. I’m a terrible human being. He makes me too selfish to care. What we have is so consuming my good conscience and morality go out the window. Landon would scold me right now if he could.
“It’s late. I think we passed the swimming curfew,” I say.
“Yeah. I’ll uh, see you later.”
“You can’t disappear from me for too long now that I have your number,” I rush to say.
His lips turn up slightly. “I guess not. I didn’t fully think things through, huh?”
“Nope, and it’s too late to go back now.” Closing the distance between us, I press a chaste kiss to his lips. He slides the rest of his clothes on and slips into his car, waving at me before closing the door.
I wait until he’s out of the parking lot before finally heading home. As I’m driving down my road, my gaze falls to the picture on the dash and I curse under my breath, my heart feeling like barbed wire is wrapping around it. I’m the one who’s sorry now. I forget where I am when I’m with him. I touched him and made him come in the car I bought with my husband, right in front of the damn picture of us.
I bang my hands on the steering wheel as I’m splitting at the seams in my driveway. I’m trapped between two places again—feeling like I’m betraying the man I love while looking forward to more lake meet-ups with Silas.
How long will I be swimming between guilt and want? How long will I keep hating myself for holding on to whatever bit of happiness comes my way in order for me to keep going? At first Silas was a distraction, but now he feels like a chance at living again. Not because he reminds me of my dead husband but because he’s shown me how to enjoy things again. Things I hated when Landon was alive too.
Public affection, messing around in the car, swimming and having sex in my office. I said no to all of the above when it came to my husband, so many times, and yet I don’t remember the last time I used that word with Silas. While I help him to be less sorry, he shows me how I wish I’d said yes so much more in my life.
I get out of the car, my shoes dragging across the concrete from the heavy weight of my body. Silas’s question from his last trip to the bookstore pops into my head as I’m lying down in bed.
What are we even doing? What does this even mean?