Estranged Heart

Twenty-one

Elijah

Things happened so suddenly yesterday and I knew Silas was struggling with what he was doing behind Stacey’s back. He didn’t want to lie to her anymore even though she has yet to speak the truth to him. I think she let him go a long time ago without realizing. His illness is what brought them together and kept them that way until there was nothing left distracting them from the truth.

What they had revolved around Silas being sick and needing Stacey. He felt comfortable, safe, and accepted, but that all went away when he was no longer a man with limitations. She accepted him at his worst but not as his best. She sees a confused man who needs fixing where I see someone finally coming into his own, someone who no longer has anything holding him back and keeping him from reaching for what he truly wants. She got to do whatever she pleased while she remained his only option, all he knew to be good. His key to the outside world.

He doesn’t need her for that anymore. He doesn’t need anyone. I don’t think he ever did. He’s strong and determined—which I always found admirable about Landon—but unlike my husband, Silas isn’t afraid to show weakness and vulnerability. He doesn’t try to hide behind a smile or gentle words. Everything is always right at the surface with him.

I turn off the car, parking down the street from his house like yesterday. I don’t get out this time, but wait until Silas is standing in front of his house before driving forward. He has an unsure look on his face as he slides into the passenger side with two bags in tow.

I toss them in the back, and put my foot back on the gas as soon as he’s buckled in. Instead of meeting up with me, he asked if I could pick him up—his meds make him too shaky to feel safe enough to drive.

“You sure you still want to go today?” I ask, shooting a quick glance in his direction.

He fumbles with his hands, sucking on his lower lip. “Yeah. I just can’t help but feel guilty for it. I hurt her. I really hurt her. She’s my best friend and I don’t know where this will leave us now. I still want her in my life no matter what happens, but I also understand if she doesn’t want to be.”

I take his hand, smiling softly. “I know, Sunshine. But she hasn’t been perfect herself. She’s been lying to you all this time, never being where she says she’ll be. Maybe she’s been seeing someone else. And it’s not like either of us planned this. I feel bad about it too—like absolute garbage—but killing ourselves with guilt isn’t going to take back what we did or change things.”

“Yeah. You want to know the worst part?” His brows pull tightly together as he stares at our joined hands. “I wouldn’t take it back even if I could. Not what we did at least. I do wish I’d told her sooner, but no matter what, I’d have still wound up breaking her heart.”

“How long has yours been broken for, and I don’t mean physically? How long has she made you feel alone and neglected? Like you’re the only one who had to do better?”

“Longer than I realized. I kept saying that once I was better we would be too. She’d go places with me again. She’d do whatever it took to be near me, and share all the first-time experiences with me. None of that happened, though. She left more often. Talked to me less. Touched me less.” His chest caves. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. It’s still all my fault. It will always be my fault. I can’t feel what I need to feel. I keep trying and trying. It’s too heavy.” Tears spring from his eyes.

I stop the car to take him in my arms. His wet eyes press to my shirt and I rub a hand down his back. “You don’t need to say you’re sorry to me, remember? Especially not for expressing how you feel. I’m always here when you need someone to listen. Doesn’t matter what it’s about.”

He nods into my shoulder, sniffling. “I’m sorry I’m ruining our trip.”

I pull back, hooking my fingers around his chin. “And I’m sorry to have to be the one to make you regret that last apology later.”

He laughs, rolling his eyes. “I thought you said that in the heat of the moment. Like some role playing type of thing.”

“Nope.” I start the car again and place my hand back on his. “I very much meant it.”

He tugs on his seat belt, looking toward the window. “I probably don’t deserve to feel good today anyway.”

“Oh, I never said anything about not making you feel good. You’ll see soon enough that both are very possible. That’s if you’ll allow me to show you.”

Looking back at me, he presses his cheek to his seat, giving me a half smile. “I want you to show me everything.”

Those blue eyes brighten with so much excitement, causing my stomach to swoop. I bring his hand to my mouth, kissing the inside of his palm, grateful to be the one sharing all these firsts with him. He deserves to experience the whole world, and I’ll gladly help him do that one day at a time, as long as he continues bringing me good to go with my bad. I need it more than ever right now. The case has gone cold again and so has Landon’s side of the bed. I’ve been sleeping on the couch because I can’t bear to see the empty spot anymore. I kept reaching out to it in my sleep, waking up to my hands catching air.

I don’t have to look at reminders of what I lost when I’m here, only what I’m gaining. I don’t have to stare at the empty chair on the other side of the table while I’m eating breakfast, or scroll past all the documentaries Landon added to his watch list that he’ll never get to see now. At home, the only sounds I get are my own and the only smiles I see are in old photos. There are too many empty spaces and places I’m too scared to touch or move. Books my husband left unread and random items he set down around the house. There are things I wasn’t able to put away in boxes and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

I move and do things without thinking when I go somewhere with Silas. His laughter brings out mine and his happiness is infectious. I look at him and feel those smiles and excitement in his eyes. So much better than being alone and trying to see what can no longer be there. Better than driving myself crazy with questions no one will ever be there to answer, or trying to fix what I can’t. It makes me feel so hopeless, not being able to change the past, and that’s all I want to do when I think about Landon and me.

All the things Silas needs from me can happen right here and right now. They aren’t beyond my abilities and don’t make me feel like I’m playing a losing game. I can go camping, get in the water, and hold his hand. I can touch him when he needs me to and keep him company when he’s lonely. There’s no wanting something so bad and withering inside from not being able to have it with him. Not yet. I shake away the unsettling thought of one day feeling hopeless when it comes to him too.

“This looks like a nice spot,” Silas says as we pass an empty camping site.

“There’s no one else around.”

“Exactly.” He smiles. “It’s not far from the water either, and has perfect shade.” He opens the door before I can fully stop the car.

“Silas,” I say sternly as he nearly trips on his own feet rushing toward a picnic table.

Closing his eyes, he inhales deeply and spins around. “Yup. This is the spot.”

Shaking my head, I laugh and get out of the car. He rushes toward me and helps me get everything out of the car. “You brought an ice chest?”

“Of course I did. It has our lunch, dinner, and drinks inside.”

“Oh. I didn’t even think about anything aside from stuff to make s’mores.” His hand freezes on his bag.

“Of course you didn’t. Don’t worry, I have everything we need. Fold-out chairs, a tent, blankets, pillows, and more.”

“Good, because I’m not sure the tent we had is even meant for camping.”

I laugh again. “Of course not. You brought the most important thing at least.”

“I did?”

“Yup. You.” I kiss his lips, and those tingles I’ve grown accustomed to spread all over my body.

“I also brought some other essentials.” He pulls out a hammock and a large float from one of his bags.

“Yeah, we definitely wouldn’t have survived without those,” I quip.

Waving me off, he starts blowing up the float and I lift an air pump from my trunk. “This will do the job a lot faster. You can plug it into the car. You do that and I’ll set up the tent. It’s one of those pop-up tents, so it shouldn’t take me long.”

“It looks new.” He glances down at the tent next to my bags.

“I told you I don’t camp.”

“You did.” He grins, taking the pump from my hand. “I guess not everyone collects random things just in case.”

I arch a brow, reaching for the white box. “You’ve had that float and hammock for a while, huh?”

“Yeah. Being bedridden for long periods at a time leads to lots of shopping on Amazon. I’ll have to put the snorkeling gear and roller skates to use someday too.”

I bark out a laugh, pulling out two boxes of twinkling lights from my bag. I tried to think of everything, spending hours after leaving his house yesterday searching out romantic camping ideas. I want this experience to be one he remembers for a long time. I have my laptop for watching movies, a bluetooth speaker for playing music, plenty of matches for a campfire, and lots of snacks. I sent Silas a text last night, asking what his favorite foods and drinks were. I feel like he gave me a list of things he wanted to try more so than anything he’s actually had before.

He doesn’t ever hold back with me, almost as if he’s been hiding all these ideas and curiosity for such a long time that he can’t help but burst at the seams with them the moment he feels like he can. Has Stacey gotten a chance to see this side of him?

His eyes light up when the avocado float is full of air in a matter of minutes. He blows up the second part next and it’s the ball that goes in the center. I can’t help but smile at how much of a wild card he is. As if I haven’t been taken by surprise enough, he randomly strips out of his clothes and changes into swim trunks with a sloth riding a unicorn on them.

I choke back a laugh, having to steady myself against the car to keep from rolling around on the ground when he pulls on a shirt that says “two seater” with two arrows pointing up and down.

“I don’t think I can be seen with you as long as you have that on.”

“Too bad, because I got you a matching outfit.” He pulls shorts and a shirt identical to his out of his bag, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Absolutely not.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep you so dirty these next couple of days they’ll be the only option you have. Well, that or your birthday suit. The second option is preferable, though.” He winks.

He’s growing more and more comfortable with his sexuality each day. It’s wonderful to see him feel like he can be all that he is with me. That he can flirt so openly without a second thought. And flirt he does, the whole time I set things up. The tent is ready within ten minutes, all of Silas’s distractions surprisingly not delaying the process. He misses no opportunity to slap my ass and pinch it.

“Should we do the hammock next?”

He looks at the hammock on the ground and back at me, nodding. “Yes. There are two trees over there that should hold it perfectly.”

“I see you’ve chosen this place with lots of consideration.”

“As far as privacy and hammock placing goes, yes.”

The laughter keeps coming. Especially when he puts on the song “Nasty” by Tinashe and dry humps a tree, shaking his ass and twerking.

“I take it that dancing was one of your many hobbies while being stuck at home.”

He stops to catch his breath as the next song comes on, one I don’t recognize. “Yeah, except I had to take a lot more breaks than I do now, and I mostly watched people shake it on TV while wiggling my hips a little on the couch.”

“I think I’m okay with you not taking any breaks today and testing out those wiggling skills on me. Especially if you’re doing it against me with your clothes off.” I wink, and finish up securing the hammock to the tree. I test out the durability, resting my knee in the center, pressing down on it.

“Want to come test it out?”

“I don’t know.” He eyes the hammock warily, slowly approaching it. “Maybe you should lie down underneath in case I fall through.”

I snort. “I’ll support your body as you lie back in it, how about that? I won’t let go until I’m sure you won’t crash to the ground.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” I kiss his cheek, running a hand down his hip. “It’s getting really hard to ignore that shirt of yours. We can see if the swing will hold while I’m on top of you next.”

His eyes widen. “You mean—”

“While I ride your cock.” I run a thumb over his trembling lip and he sucks air between his teeth. “What do you think? You want that?”

Swallowing hard, he nods slowly.

“Well then, let’s stop wasting time shall we?” I bend down beside him, holding my hands under the swing as I gesture at him with my head to hop on.

Holding on to my shoulder, he slowly climbs on, and stretches out his body the more steady he feels on the thick material. I keep supporting his body until he tells me to join him. Gripping the edge of the swing, I slide in beside him, turning on my side and laughing as the hammock dips lower to the ground. He almost spills over the other side and grabs on to me, erupting in laughter.

“I feel like Rose and Jack trying to fit on that damn door in Titanic right now,” I say, smirking.

He laughs louder, stroking my stomach. “Maybe if she sat on his cock, they would both have fit better.”

Chuckling, I slide off my shorts, trying not to tip us over in the process. “At least we can put that theory to the test when it comes to our situation.”

I reach into his pocket, pulling out a pack of lube. I smirk. “I knew I’d find what I needed on you.”

“Keep searching,” he rasps out. “I bet you’ll find more.”

“I’m counting on it.” Lubing up my fingers, I widen my stance, and pull my underwear enough to the side for me to access my hole. I press my slick finger to my entrance, slowly breaching my tight channel. With shallow breaths, I rock my hips, sliding down further, my cheeks clasping tightly together as I wince at the slight sting.

“Fuck,” I say, as I continue opening myself enough to slide in a second finger. Once both fingers are all the way inside, I inhale a deep breath while lifting my hips, slowly releasing it as I slam my ass down.

“Want help?” he asks, licking his lips. The way he’s looking at me is everything.

“No. Not this time at least.” I fuck myself against my hand faster, my walls spreading wider around my fingers, and the dull ache turns into something pleasant. I’ve only had my fingers inside myself a couple of times, and only came once from them, but sitting on top of Silas while taking in his lustful eyes, there’s no doubt in my mind that this will be the second if I keep going.

“I gotta say, Elijah, I think I’m enjoying your fingers being inside you almost as much as I do when they’re in me. Such a beautiful sight.”

“Yeah? Let’s see if you enjoy having your cock in me as much as you like having mine inside you.”

“Oh, I have no doubt I will.”

His eyes capture mine as he undoes his pants and pulls his cock free. It’s smaller than mine and curves a little to the left, flushing a pretty pink. He’s fucking perfect. I lick my lips at the beading precum, and stretching the fabric of my underwear more to the left, I line my hole up with his cock. He strokes my hips as I slowly work my way down his thick, hard shaft. Before I can fully bottom out, I lift my hips and slam down hard, taking him all in one go. If he was any bigger, I wouldn’t be able to. Like I said, fucking perfect.

“Fuck, Elijah. You feel so good. I need to move inside you or I’ll lose my damn mind.”

“Please,” I say, encouraging his body to move with mine as I grind against his dick, circling my hips. Yanking my face down, he captures my lips with his and thrusts upward. I feel like I’m being split in two in the best possible way. I can feel him everywhere inside me, rubbing all the right places, and right when I think I’ve discovered what has him practically glowing like a firefly when I fuck him, he finds my sweet spot.

Feeling as if all my bones have disintegrated, I become a pile of mush on top of him, unable to move as his cock hits the same spot on repeat. My vision goes blurry as pleasure erupts inside me making my skin tingle, the waves of electricity passing between us almost making it feel as if my body is being brought back to life.

His moans drown out mine as he empties his balls inside me, filling me with his hot seed. I always wondered whether I could go forever without knowing what this felt like, since Landon never liked topping, but now I’m happy I never have to. I didn’t know what I was missing before so it made it easier to live without it, and now I have the sudden need for more. Not with just anyone either, only the person lying blissed out beneath me with stars in his eyes. Collapsing beside him, I’m glad the hammock doesn’t tip over enough to have me crashing to the ground. No way do I have the energy or strength to catch myself again.

“Yeah, we’ll need to do that again while we’re here,” he says between pants.

I laugh. “Are you saying your bottoming days are over?”

He shoots me a look, holding a finger between us. “I did not say that. I actually look forward to being fucked in a tent for the first time later.”

Turning toward him, I press my nose to his. “And now so do I.”

“Did you . . . Have you bottomed a lot before?” His eyes study mine.

“No. That was the first time.”

His eyes widen. “Really? Why with me?”

“Because it felt right and you didn’t stop me.”

“I never will either,” he says almost too quietly.

“How’s your camping experience so far?”

“Mm.” He glances up at the sky, smiling lazily. “About a nine out of ten.”

“What would get us to that ten?”

“Food.” He rubs his belly and looks toward the ice chest.

“I’ll get started on that then.” As I attempt to sit up, I look down at my underwear and wince. “After I get cleaned up, that is.”

He lets out a rumble of laughter, tucking himself back into his trunks. “I’ll finish unloading everything.”

“Sounds good to me.” Grabbing on to the tree, I yank myself up from the hammock and a high-pitch sound crawls up his throat as he’s flipped over onto the ground.

He’s rolling around on the grass in a fit of laughter as I rush over to make sure he’s okay. “I think a warning that you were going to parkour yourself out of the hammock would have been nice.”

Chuckling, I offer him my hand and pull him to his feet, so fast his chest crashes into mine. He steadies himself against me, and as he’s about to step away I hook my arms around him, keeping him pressed tightly to me. “I don’t think I’ve met anyone who falls as much as you do.”

“It only happens when you’re around, so I think that should tell you something.” He stands on his tiptoes and kisses my lips. I pull a leaf from his hair and swipe the dirt from his cheek. “Sure. I wonder if your other friends would disagree with that statement.”

His smile falls and his eyes drift to the ground. “They might if I had any. Not many people stick around when you’re sick all the time.”

My heart sinks. He really meant it when he said he could use more friends. “Then they were never worth keeping around to begin with.”

“That’s what Stacey says. I guess I have my boss and his wife, but I haven’t really seen or spoken to them much outside of work. It’s like the people who did stay only did it because I needed them to.”

I lift his chin, smiling softly. “I’m here now, and you don’t have to need me for me to stay either.” I leave out the part where I feel like I need him most days.

“And if I get sick again?” He nibbles on his bottom lip.

“Then I’ll still be here.” I suck in a breath. “My husband was sick and didn’t tell me. Maybe he needed to know this too.”

“Maybe he wasn’t ready for you to look at him differently. Stacey only ever viewed me one way. Sick and helpless. But not you. So I can see why he’d want to hold onto this for a little while longer.” He caresses my cheek.

“Yeah. You could be right. It does make sense based on the person he was. He was always so strong and felt like he always had to be. He didn’t have the best support from his family. Was forced to grow up too soon and spent so much of his childhood only having himself to turn to. I let him continue that way too because I thought it was what he needed. I didn’t want him to think I was trying to change who he was. What if it wasn’t who he was but who he thought he still had to be? Even with me?” My breaths come out in stutters.

“You can’t wonder all that now. All you’ll do is drive yourself crazy.”

“Too late.” I force a smile.

“If I’m not allowed to be sorry about anything this weekend then neither are you,” he says pointedly.

“I guess that’s fair.”

He gives me a chaste kiss on the lips and playfully slaps my ass before taking off toward the car. As he’s getting everything else out of the trunk, I change my clothes and heat up the grill. Music replaces the sounds of nature and lack of words between us as he sets up the chairs by the fire pit. By the time the hot dogs are done grilling, all the blankets are laid out in the tent and the lights are strung up in the trees.

“That smells delicious.” He takes out a can of Coke from the ice chest and walks over to me. I hold out a plate with a hot dog and potato chips on it.

“Condiments are on the table. I’ll meet you there in a bit. Gotta finish taking care of things here first.”

He grabs the plate and heads for the table, humming to the tune of the song playing. As he eats his food, I clean up my mess and wrap up the other hot dogs. He asks for a second one as I’m fixing myself a plate and his eyes light up as he sips his Coke for the first time.

“I forgot how good that tastes.”

I lower myself into the seat across from him, setting his hot dog on his plate. “Haven’t had a Coke in a while?”

He shakes his head, taking another drink and moaning with each swallow. “I’ve lived a lot of my life on a strict diet. Stacey was worse than my mom. My mom would occasionally let me enjoy a hamburger or milkshake—usually on special occasions—but not Stacey. She’s very by the book. All the time. She didn’t want to take any chances, especially when I got worse.”

“Makes sense. And you’re fine to have all those things now?”

“Yeah. In moderation. But it’s still hard for me at times. I keep hearing all of Stacey’s and my mom’s what ifs in my head. I know I’m better now, but there were small windows when I was younger where I thought I was better too.”

My chest squeezes and I hate the hopelessness in his tone. He’s so used to being held back out of caution that he’s now doing it to himself. I know the feeling too well—of being afraid of going too far and taking too much too soon. “How about, while we’re here, we add the what ifs to the banned list.”

His lips turn up. “Deal. No I’m sorrys, if onlys, or what ifs.”

Once we’re done eating, we go for a walk and sit by the lake, swatting away mosquitos as we enjoy the beautiful view in silence together. Scooting closer to me on the blanket, Silas leans his head on my shoulder, letting out a yawn.

“Who knew camping could be so exhausting.”

“Anything to do with being outside during the summer in Texas is.”

He looks up at me with slow-blinking eyes. “Yeah, I tried to avoid being out here on super-hot days. I was gasping for air enough hanging out indoors as it was.”

My heart breaks a little at that. “Then I guess I can force myself to sweat with you out here for a little longer.”

Releasing a sweet hum, he buries his face into my neck, reaching for my hand. “Go swimming with me?”

When I take too long to answer, he squeezes my fingers, his eyes pleading. How the hell can I say no?

“Yeah, okay. But we stay in the shallow end.”

He leads me to the water, stripping off his shirt on our way there. We both kick off our shoes and follow the rock path leading us into the water. Silas leans back, looking up at the sun while resting his knees against the sand. His hand is still holding mine, forcing me to lower my body. It does feel a lot better in here than it did when we were baking under the sun on the warm grass.

“I think I want a swimming pool in my back yard.”

I laugh at his randomness. “Oh yeah? Will there be a hot tub too? I much prefer those.”

“Duh. I first have to figure out where I’m going to be living, though. Maybe I’ll live in an apartment that has a pool instead, that way I don’t have to worry about all the extra maintenance.” He swims away from me and I hate the loss of his skin on mine when our hands separate.

“That could work too.”

“Yeah.” He sighs, still looking up at the sky and flapping his arms. “I guess I have time to figure it out.”

“You do.” I crawl closer to him, yanking him into my arms. “In the meantime, I’ll let you talk my ear off with ideas until you do.”

He presses his back to my chest, smiling, and we don’t get out of the water until it’s time to eat again. We have burgers and more chips for dinner. Silas gulps down his second soda and I offer him water as he sits down in front of the campfire with a poker in his hand. Thankfully he takes it. The last thing I want is for him not to enjoy the s’mores because he has an upset stomach from too much soda. There really is such a thing as too much too soon.

“I’m so used to warming these up in the microwave.” He shoves a marshmallow onto the end of the poker and lowers it to the fire. “Last time we tried to do it outside, we almost caught the deck on fire.” He chuckles softly. “That was the last time Stacey allowed me to have a firepit.”

I laugh. “Yeah, I don’t blame her. Should I have brought a fire extinguisher with us? Do I have to monitor you the whole time you’re by the fire?”

“Possibly.” He lifts the poker when the marshmallow is close to being burnt at the tip. After eating our weight in s’mores, Silas climbs into my chair with me, resting most of his body on my lap. Eyes glowing from the flickering flames, he slides a hand up my chest, stroking one of my nipples. “Can we go to the tent now?”

“Ready to go to sleep?”

“No. I’m ready to feel you again and in another new place.”

I trace the seam of his lips, my heart skipping a beat when his hand slides between my legs. “To the tent we go then.”