Chapter 25 Juniper
Juniper
Soft snores sound from the couch on my porch—Blaze slumped back with his head on the screen, North lying curled up against his shoulder in nothing more than his boxer briefs. The sight of it brings a smile to my lips.
Little spoon.
I snicker, heart swelling and aching at the peace on their faces. It’s the most serene I’ve ever seen Blaze look, a striking contrast to the fear that had been in his eyes last night when he told me the truth.
Fae. Demons. Sprites. Trolls…
God, it’s all so much. I’m still wrapping my head around it all, still trying to process the details of Blaze’s story and how cruel his mother’s been to him just for love.
Throughout the entire story, all I kept wondering was how North fits into all of this, and if he’s ever even known love.
Blaze… that’s the look I couldn’t figure out.
The pain of loving someone he knows he shouldn’t, with the consequences that love inflicted on him… It haunts him.
I don’t think either has left the porch, at least not in the short amount of time I was able to sleep.
I stayed up staring at the house I’ve never left, the home that, up until last year, wasn’t empty.
The walls that have heard me scream, cry, shout, and beg.
Been there to see every struggle I’ve ever gone through.
I shouldn’t be this attached to a house, but it’s the only home I’ve ever known—until now.
Now it isn’t the walls of this home I know I’d miss. It’s their arms, their embraces. When I think of where I’m most excited to be after work, it isn’t my home on the couch alone. It’s with them, wherever they are.
Oreo jumps onto the library table in front of the window and begins to purr as I continue watching North and Blaze sleep.
Her purrs remind me to breathe. All night, my brain has been trying to use logic to justify this decision, to rationalize the way my heart seems to give out just thinking about going on without them.
They’ve brought me joy and happiness and desire that I didn’t know was possible.
Each of them. I’ve never felt this way about another person, much less two.
However, looking out at them right now, I know no one else could ever come close to how I feel about them.
I fell for two demons.
And I want to be with them. Forever.
The sky is turning a shade of navy that lets me know the sun is on its way up. I kiss Oreo on her head, grab the red leggings off the back of the couch where I left them, then go to the door.
The moment I open it, I smell a smell that is so rare, I stop in my tracks.
Is that… snow?
What the hell? Did they make it snow?
Pack dashes between my legs, jumps on the couch with Blaze and North, and rattles them awake with nips on their hands and face licks. They both jerk awake, North nearly falling off the couch as Blaze sits up straight.
“Oh, fuck me,” North mutters, catching himself. “Hi, Pack.”
“Shit—What—Oh.” Blaze runs his hands through Pack’s fur behind her ears and gives her a scratch, though the dog is so ready for her walk that she jumps down and lunges at me instead.
“Ow. I have got to cut your nails—Calm down. We’re going in a minute,” I tell her.
By the time I straighten, Blaze is leaning over his knees staring at me. Pack runs at them again, jumping straight into North’s chest as he tries to stretch his arms over his head. I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing, still trying to keep an annoyed face with them.
It’s breaking quicker than I thought it would.
“Hi, angel,” Blaze rasps.
“Was this you?” I ask, nodding toward the snow blanketing the yard.
He twists to look behind him, and as he sees it, he mutters, “Fuck.”
North’s eyes widen. “You made it snow all night,” North says, standing. “I wonder if it’s the entire island.”
Blaze peers toward the sky as if he’s looking at the trees. “Looks like I’m not the only one in a state,” he says, slapping North on the stomach. “Check the trees.”
I push on the screen door and try to squint through the misty haze so I can see what he’s looking at. Christmas lights reflect off of something hanging from the limbs, and I realize it’s icicles.
“This is what happens when you two are… what?” I ask.
“Overcome. Barely able to control ourselves,” North says.
“Scared,” Blaze adds simply.
The way Blaze’s eyes drag over me make me shift. I toss the red leggings in my hands at North, and he catches them with ease.
“We’re leaving for the jetty in ten,” I say, turning around.
“Juniper—”
Blaze is on his feet and at my side before I can go back inside. He starts to reach for my face, but hesitates.
I consider his touch, chest burning. “Let’s take a walk first,” I tell him.
He nods even though I can see it taking every ounce of restraint he has not to at least touch my hair, my face.
“Happy birthday,” he says quietly.
Oh fucking hell, this hurts.
“Thanks.”
If I stare at him any longer, we won’t make it to the jetty. I’ll collapse in front of them right here, begging them to turn me into whatever they want, so long as it means we’re together.
Neither says another word as we go inside. I throw them a couple of my sweatshirts and find my own warm clothes. I have to search for my warm rainboots, hoping like hell they aren’t buried too deep in the back of my closet because I never wear them.
I can feel their eyes on me every time I make a move. Blaze gets Pack’s leash on her as North feeds Oreo, and when I’m ready with a fleece toboggan on my head, we exit the house together.
The island is covered in snow and icicles.
Blaze melts any ice on the roads and sidewalks as we make our way out to the main road and the beach after. It isn’t often I get to smell both the ocean and snow all at once, and I’m savoring it.
Pack practically bolts in excitement when Blaze lets her off leash on the beach. He throws the ball for her the entire way down to the jetty, and when we reach the rocky barrier, North gives her a bone that she settles onto the sand to enjoy.
Their doting on my dog is only solidifying my choice.
I climb the rocks like I always do. I stand on the flat path like I always do, except when I go to scream, I realize it isn’t what I need.
Because I feel it.
I feel the familiar warmth and calmness I’ve felt all week standing here, and it dawns on me as I face them.
“It was you. It was you out here with me this week. You’re what I felt,” I realize.
They share the same tortured expression.
“Yes,” Blaze admits, his voice hoarse.
“How did I not see you?” I ask.
In the next breeze, their figures disappear.
I swear I can feel them moving toward me, arms and hands brushing mine, one of their heads in the crook of my neck, the other at my temple.
I don’t know why I close my eyes, why when I take another breath, it doesn’t feel as if my lungs are full of ice shards.
“Do you know why I scream?” I ask softly.
They hug me tighter.
“I scream because the burn is the only thing that helps take away the pain,” I manage.
After a few seconds, I withdraw from their invisible embrace, taking a step back as they appear in front of me again, and looking between them, I don’t feel so terrified to tell them my own story.
“My father took his own life. Tomorrow makes a year. He’d gotten his dementia diagnosis a few years back, and it progressed…
It progressed so fucking fast. Seeing the pain on his face every time I had to over explain something, when he didn’t remember or got so confused and didn’t know why…
Last year, on my birthday, he had a good day. It was a really fucking good day.”
I pause to swallow the hiccup in my throat.
“We walked out here, and we talked about… everything. We reminisced in a way we hadn’t in months. It was like I had my father back, even if I knew the next morning would take it all away again. It gave me hope that it shouldn’t have, that maybe the new meds were working. But…”
Another heavy breath leaves me. I push my hands into the pockets of my sweatshirt, staring at their feet because I know if I look at their faces, I won’t be able to get this out.
“He left me a note. He said that he didn’t want to be a burden on me.
That I deserved better than to have to take care of him.
He said he didn’t want to hurt me, and he was sorry I would have to find him like this, but he thought it would be better than the pain of watching him disappear into someone who didn’t recognize me.
I found him overdosed on painkillers in his bed.
I barely remember all the things that had to be done after.
The funeral. All the paperwork. It was like I was there, but not.
Completely dissociating because I felt that I wasn’t good enough to help him through it.
So I started walking to the jetty about a month after to try and ground myself again.
I come out here and I scream. I scream until there’s nothing left.
But this week, I didn’t scream everyday. ”
I finally lift my eyes to theirs, heart sinking at the sorrow in their eyes.
“I lost the home I felt safe in when he died last year. I didn’t know where my future was going, if I would stay here or go somewhere entirely new just to get away from his ghost. And now, meeting the two of you…
it feels like I’ve found my home again. I want to be alive, and I want to be with you. ”
“Can we please touch you?” Blaze breathes, his expression more desperate than I’ve ever seen it.
I slowly nod, and both of them wrap their arms around me. I bury my face into Blaze’s shoulder, clenching North’s arm to my chest.
“Take me with you,” I whisper after a few minutes.
North tips my chin his way, and it’s there that I see the newness of these feelings, like he can’t quite figure out why he’s suddenly scared, why he’s holding on so tightly.
“We would never leave without you, darling,” he says.