Chapter Twenty-Two
chapter TWENTY-TWO
H ad it required more than fifteen minutes to get home from Moonshiners, Ethan wasn’t sure he would’ve made it. He was a jumble of emotions. Anger and hate were amongst the most prevalent that slid through his veins like sludge.
Add that to the mixture of adrenaline and lust, and he was a complete fucking mess. Between Sawyer standing up for him and Beau gearing up to do battle, he was hardly able to contain all the fury that raged inside of him.
All of this... because of him. He was the reason for the hate and the anger, the bitterness and the nasty fucking words. Didn’t matter that his oldest brother was bisexual, it all seemed to be centered on him.
He fucking hated it. Hated that he had to hide, that he wasn’t free to live his life or love who he wanted all because of the closed-minded assholes that lived in this town. If he were smart, he’d have left long ago.
But he couldn’t. Couldn’t bring himself to leave his parents or his brothers. That’s not what a Walker did. Even if it was in an effort to protect them.
Did that make him selfish? That he cared more for his family than what they had to endure from the bigots who insisted on getting in their jabs?
Maybe.
Probably.
He remembered watching Beau fall into step with his brothers to confront Jimmy’s dumbass comment. Torn between lust and fear, Ethan hadn’t been able to think of anything other than protecting Beau. Making sure he didn’t come face-to-face with the nastiness that was Jimmy Reardon.
Not to mention, he’d been hit right between the eyes with a bolt of lust so powerful, he’d been surprised to find he wasn’t flat on the floor.
The guy was hot as hell and when he moved in to defend Ethan—because Beau would’ve been the only one other than Sawyer who could put two and two together to realize that Jimmy had been talking to him, simply because Ricky had been present—he hadn’t known quite what to do or think.
At first, fear had lit him up like a Roman candle. He had worried that Sawyer was going to let go of the rage he’d bottled up inside over the incident from years ago. And yes, it was Ethan’s fault because he had begged his brother not to say anything to anyone. And to this day, Ethan knew he hadn’t. Sawyer was loyal like that.
But Ethan had also worried about Beau. Worried that he was going to say something that would have the assholes turning on him. Ethan would much rather take the brunt of their hate than for Beau to have to experience even an ounce of it. But Beau hadn’t overreacted. He’d kept a lid on his anger although it was palpable, right along with everyone else’s.
And now, as Ethan pushed open his front door, the heavy wood slamming against the wall behind it, he was full of rage. But more than that, he needed Beau. Was anxious to see him again, to touch him, feel him, release all the pent-up anxiety on him because he knew Beau could handle it. Anything to help him forget all the memories that had flooded him when he’d seen Jimmy. The sight of Gavin’s older brother brought back the horror of that night, but worse, it brought back memories of what had happened after. The event that no one spoke about.
So yes, Ethan needed Beau. He needed the distraction. As it was, Ethan had given himself a pep talk, a very vivid reminder that what he and Beau shared was nothing more than physical attraction and as happy as he’d been to see Beau at Moonshiners, he had to remember that they couldn’t do public outings. Especially not together.
This was temporary. Lust induced. Only sex. Ethan was not falling for Beau. Didn’t matter that he didn’t believe a fucking word he told himself. He didn’t have a choice. It was in everyone’s best interest if Ethan remained on the periphery of everyone’s thoughts. Tonight was evidence of how crucial it was for Ethan to remember that.
There was no way he could give in to the other emotions that had made a prevalent appearance when Beau had barreled his way into his life. As much as he wanted to be that guy, he had to remember that the Jimmy Reardons and the Ricky Dillingers of the world were out in full force, and the last thing Ethan wanted to do was to drag his family’s good name, or Beau’s for that matter, through the mud because of who he was.
As it was, they already had to carry the weight of the resort and that lifestyle that his brothers had indulged in. Strange how people were more accepting of that than they were of his being gay.
The knock on Ethan’s front door set off a hammer in his chest. His heart pounded, the fury trickling through his veins like it was being fed intravenously.
His stomach twisted, an all-out assault on his nervous system that made his hands shake, his chest hurt.
“Open the door, E.” Beau’s deep voice slipped through the barrier of the door and penetrated something deep inside of Ethan.
Despite the personal demons he knew he would always face with the dawn of another day, Ethan wanted to shut out the world behind his front door and cherish the time he had with Beau tonight. It was all he should be thinking about.
Opening the door, he tried to appear cool and collected, a skill he’d honed over the years, but he knew he hadn’t succeeded as soon as Beau’s golden eyebrows furrowed.
“Come in,” he grumbled, taking a step back so Beau could enter.
When Beau was inside, Ethan shut and locked the door before thrusting his hands into his pockets to keep from grabbing the handsome man now standing in the entryway. Gotta play it cool, Walker.
“You all right?” Beau asked as he dropped a duffel bag onto the floor at his feet, a suspicious gleam in his dark brown eyes.
He took a deep breath, let it out. Leaning back against the door, he let his head thump against the wood, but even that pain didn’t slow the slow boil from the anger.
“No,” he finally said, opening his eyes to peer at Beau. “I’m not fucking all right. I’ll never fucking be all right.”
What the hell was wrong with him? This was Beau. He was supposed to be seducing him, getting him naked and ravishing him while he had the chance, but he couldn’t seem to get past the rage welling up inside of him.
Everything seemed to be coming to a head—between Blake’s comments last night and his own insecurities over the way he feared Beau was handling him and now the altercation tonight. He was losing the battle. His sanity was on the line, and one more misstep and Ethan feared he would totally lose it.
Pushing off the door, he started past Beau but was pulled up short. Beau’s hand was firm, yet not painful, on his arm, but Ethan couldn’t contain his body’s natural reaction. Spinning around, he shoved Beau hard.
Fuck. What was wrong with him?
Before he could apologize, he found himself up against the wall, his cheek pressed against the Sheetrock while Beau’s massive body crowded him from behind.
He waited for Beau to lay into him, to tell him he wanted no part of the anger, but that’s not what came. For long, silent seconds, they stood there, Beau restraining him while he fought to breathe.
“I get it,” Beau whispered, his lips pressing softly against Ethan’s ear. “I’m not here to fight you though.”
“You get what ?” Ethan snapped, twisting hard, but unable to escape Beau’s uncompromising grip.
Beau’s grip tightened on Ethan’s hands, now clasped behind his back between them.
“I get that you’re angry,” Beau said, his voice still smooth and steady, completely the opposite of the turmoil raging inside of Ethan.
“How the fuck can you be so calm? It doesn’t fucking bother you what they say? That one day they could be saying that about you? That you could be the one they target? You’ve never had the shit beaten out of you because you’re gay, have you?” Ethan was practically yelling the words, the anger intensifying the more he spoke.
He didn’t give a shit that he was telling Beau things he swore he’d never tell anyone.
“Is that what happened to you?” Beau asked, his body pressing intimately against him.
Ethan sucked in air, tried to clear his brain, but he failed. His emotions were strangling him to the point he thought he might choke to death from the weight of them.
“Talk to me, E.”
“Let me go.”
“Not gonna happen.”
The knowledge that Beau wasn’t going to let up, he was there for the duration, prepared to endure Ethan’s anger, had something loosening in his chest. The air still rushed in and out of his lungs, and his heart still pounded like a jackhammer, but the comfort came by way of Beau’s body against his.
Beau rested his forehead against the back of Ethan’s head and the gesture calmed him like nothing else. When his hands loosened on Ethan’s wrists, he found himself not moving, not trying to get away. Instead, he linked his fingers with Beau’s and held on tight. This man was like an anchor, keeping him afloat in the dark, deadly waters that threatened to suck him under. He didn’t want to go under. Hell, he wanted to get out of the water forever, to walk in the sun, but that didn’t seem to be an option.
“I’m sorry you had to be there for that,” Ethan said as they stood there in silence.
Beau stepped back, and the warm security of his body was ripped from him, making his hands shake, but before he could build up the anger again, Ethan was being turned so that he faced Beau fully.
“I’m not. I want to be with you,” Beau said. “Shut up,” he snapped when Ethan started to talk. “Let me finish.”
Ethan knew he looked shocked, but he couldn’t help it.
“I want to be with you. By your side. I don’t want us to have to hide, but I understand. Doesn’t mean I agree with it, and it doesn’t mean I’ll do it forever, but for now, I’m here. With you. Only you.”
Ethan stared into mocha-colored eyes that were so rich, so warm, he thought he might lose himself in them for eternity.
“You don’t know what you’re asking for,” he said when it was clear Beau was finished.
“I know exactly what I’m asking for. Never doubt me, E,” Beau stated with a hard edge. “People often underestimate me. You shouldn’t.”
“So what? You were willing to jump in there and get your ass handed to you just to defend me?”
“Trust me when I say, I won’t get my ass handed to me.”
Why did the guy sound so sure of himself? It had happened to Ethan. Then again, it had happened when he was just a kid. Young and stupid and unashamedly naive. Not anymore. He’d managed to erect that steel wall around his heart to keep others out and to keep himself locked in.
“And when you decide to talk to me, just know I’m here to listen.”
Ethan stared back at Beau, all the fight draining out of him completely. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to argue. He just wanted... to feel. God, he just wanted to feel.
A brief nod was all he could muster. After recalling what Beau had said to him earlier—Beau’s extremely graphic description of the things they’d done the day before—Ethan was having a difficult time concentrating on anything else. And he welcomed the opportunity to forget everything that had just happened at Moonshiners.
“I don’t want to talk,” Ethan told him.
“Tell me what you do want, then,” Beau said, moving in closer until they were aligned from knee to chest.
“You. I want you. I want you to take my mind off it all.”
“I can do that,” Beau whispered, leaning in. “But I’m not going to be rough with you. Not this time.”
Ethan wasn’t sure he liked the sound of that. Rough, no-holds-barred sex was the easiest way to wipe away all the memories. If Beau was gentle and tender, the way they had been the first time, Ethan wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep himself distanced from him the way he needed.
“So take it or leave it, E. You’ve got me. As long as you want me. But tonight I want to take my time with you.”
Without talking, mainly because he didn’t know what the fuck to even say, Ethan grabbed Beau’s hand and led him to the stairs. It was his silent acceptance. He couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud, but he knew Beau understood.
Once they made their way up the stairs, Ethan’s nerves kicked in full throttle, but he didn’t falter as he led the way. He was pulled up short on his way to the bed, and he turned to face Beau, confused.
“Not yet. Shower first.”
“I already took a shower,” Ethan argued, although he wasn’t against the idea of showering with Beau. Maybe the heat of the water would loosen the rest of the strain in his muscles.
“Don’t argue with me, Walker,” Beau quipped with a sexy grin.
Ethan read the desire in Beau’s eyes and his pulse sped up, but this time it wasn’t fueled by anger. No, this was pure, unadulterated lust. And truthfully, Ethan was more than happy to put himself in Beau’s capable hands, so to speak.
In fact, he craved it.
When Beau moved, Ethan followed. Once they stepped into the master bathroom, Ethan made a quick detour to the shower, flipping on the faucets, allowing the two showerheads on the wall and the rain showerhead to come on. He made sure the water was hot, but not scalding, just enough to ensure the last of the tension could be eased from his body.
Then again, he knew there would be an entirely different sort of tension where Beau was concerned.
When he made his way out from behind the wall that concealed the shower, Ethan found Beau leaning casually against the bathroom counter, his hands gripping the edge, one ankle crossed over the other.
Calm, cool. Or so Ethan thought.
When their eyes met, Ethan saw the thunderheads brewing, something exquisite and exciting, and it had nothing to do with fights or fury. This was... It was more than desire. More than need. He couldn’t even name it. But whatever it was, he felt it, too. And oddly enough, he wanted it.
In fact, he wanted Beau—every part the man had to offer.
Ignoring the fact that he’d thrown caution to the wind, Ethan approached Beau slowly, not wanting to rush him, but not sure how much his control was worth at this point. He was having a difficult time focusing on what he was supposed to be doing, instead thinking ahead to the moment when nothing would matter except for the satisfaction of being in Beau’s arms.
“You know that you belong to me tonight, right?” Beau asked.
Awww, hell. Ethan’s dick heard the statement before his brain even processed the words.
“Mine, E. No one else is invited here tonight.”
Ethan understood what Beau was saying. This was about them, only them. Demons and memories weren’t invited here. At least for now. “I get it.”
Beau grinned, a sexy smirk that had fire erupting in Ethan’s groin. His cock was paying close attention as well.
“Good. Then I want you naked. Now ,” Beau insisted, that sexy, authoritative cadence making Ethan’s head spin.
“Sounds like the best plan you’ve had all day.”
Beau winked at him, another move that had Ethan’s entire body trembling with urgency.
To Ethan’s surprise, Beau didn’t move, just continued to brace himself against the counter, his full attention focused on him. Slowly, while he watched every nuance of Beau’s expression, Ethan managed to pull his shirt off and then unhook his belt buckle.
Before he could go further, Beau crooked his finger and said, “Come here.” Beau followed the gesture with a subtle nod of his head, and Ethan moved closer, stopping when they were just a breath apart.
Beau glanced away briefly, and Ethan found himself reaching up to touch his face. “Look at me.”
Beau met his gaze again, his brown eyes darker than before. Was it lust that made them turn molten? Or was it something else?
“I need you to touch me,” Ethan stated firmly, wondering if Beau had rethought his need to control this.
Ethan’s voice wasn’t as demanding as he would’ve liked, and he was pretty sure he’d shocked Beau as well. That or Beau’s dominant side was just begging to come out because the next thing he knew, he was in Beau’s arms, their lips pressed together in a kiss that was so gentle, his bones turned to mush.
“I wanted to spend the entire night kissing you last night,” Beau mumbled against his lips, his fingers running up the back of his neck and cradling his head. “I dreamed about this. About you.”
“Yeah?” Ethan was breathless already.
“All night. I was tempted to crawl out of bed and come back just so I could hold you in my arms and...” Beau let the sentence trail off and Ethan pulled back slightly so he could look Beau in the eye.
“And what?”
Beau shook his head and pulled Ethan closer, but Ethan managed to pull away, inserting another small amount of space between their bodies. The steam from the shower had slowly filled the bathroom, causing the mirror to fog and the room to warm several degrees. In an attempt to move things along, Ethan unbuttoned his jeans and pushed them down over his hips.
“Tell me. What did you want to do?” Ethan was unable to suppress the needy growl as he kept his eyes locked with Beau’s.
“I wanted to make love to you,” Beau growled, the shyness in his voice evident, but it was mixed with something that sounded like hunger.
Ethan immediately realized what Beau was getting at. He wanted to make love to Ethan, which meant... Ethan wouldn’t be the top.
The idea sent a chill down his spine, and another bout of anticipation erupted in his gut. God, he wanted to feel Beau, to have him buried to the hilt inside of him until they were one. Truthfully, it’d been a long time since Ethan had been the bottom and he bet...
Shit.
Beau had never . . .
Ethan gripped Beau’s T-shirt, jerking him forward until their bodies collided and he crushed their lips together, his tongue seeking admission into Beau’s delectable mouth. Beau had never penetrated another man. And Ethan was going to be his first.
“Get naked,” Ethan growled. “I want to feel every fucking inch of you against my skin.”
Pushing away, Ethan stumbled in an attempt to pull his own boots off, but finally managed to undress himself without face-planting on the floor. He considered that a good thing.
And when Beau was naked too, Ethan would consider that the best possible thing that could happen to him.