Chapter Thirty-Six
chapter THIRTY-SIX
“H ey, little man. Looks like it’s just you and me tonight,” Ethan said to Mason when Zoey and Kaleb finally headed out for the evening.
He had just spent the last half hour listening to Mason’s overprotective parents give him a rundown of every possible thing that could go wrong and exactly what he needed to do to handle it. That was after Ethan convinced them that he wasn’t incapable of handling a baby.
Apparently asking someone to babysit and letting them are two entirely different things.
“So, what’s on the agenda? Wanna watch TV?” Ethan carried Mason into the living room and lowered himself into the recliner, doing his best not to jar the precious weight in his arms. “No TV? How about we play poker?”
Staring down at the beautiful baby boy, Ethan ran a hand gently over his downy hair, noticing the way the black silk wasn’t nearly as thick as when he’d been born. He peered into blue-gray eyes that looked just like Kaleb’s.
“No to poker too, huh? Well, boy, I’m wonderin’ just how much Walker you got in you if you’d rather just hang out and do nothin’. That’s kinda rare with us, you know.”
Although, Ethan was just as satisfied as Mason to sit there in that chair, his feet propped up, the tiny bundle in his arms curled up close to his chest. He could almost imagine this for himself.
Never before had he considered the possibility of children of his own, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he wasn’t going to find a wife. Adoption was a wonderful option as far as Ethan was concerned.
No, he’d never let himself get carried away with the idea because he hadn’t thought he’d ever find someone he wanted to settle down with. Until Beau.
Ethan could totally picture Beau as a father. He’d be amazing. The mental image brought a smile to Ethan’s face.
Mason cooed softly, and Ethan ran the back of his knuckle over his chubby little cheek and smiled like a fool. “Yeah? That’s kinda the way I feel when I think about Beau, too,” he told Mason.
That and more.
He’d spent two days alone with Beau in Houston, and he found that wasn’t nearly enough. Especially after last night. Falling asleep in his arms, waking up beside him. It defied his most outrageous dreams; it was so much better. But even though he still felt like he was walking on a cloud after their admissions last night, the pessimist in him always wondered how long it would actually last.
Not long enough to consider having a family, he was sure. That didn’t stop him from thinking about it though.
A knock at the door had Ethan glancing up to the enormous picture window at the front of the house. The sun had already dipped below the horizon, but the porch light was on, and he could see the outline of a person. A very tall person at that.
“Should we answer that?” he asked Mason as he pushed up out of the chair and headed for the door.
Opening it slowly, he fully expected to see Beau. That’s not who was gracing the front porch though.
Shit.
“Did Kaleb send you over here? Does he not think I’m capable of handling this on my own?”
Travis stepped into the house and shut the door behind him, laughing in a way Ethan was getting used to. It was nice to see Travis so laid-back these days.
“They aren’t here?” Travis asked, sounding genuinely confused.
Ethan turned to look at Travis. “Seriously?”
Travis glanced around the room as though trying to reinforce his answer by looking for Kaleb but not finding him.
“How is the little man?” Travis asked, moving over to look down at Mason, who’d just dozed off.
“Perfect,” Ethan murmured, suddenly embarrassed that he’d said it out loud.
Turning away, he carried Mason to the small bassinet set up in the living room. With as much care as he could manage, he put Mason down onto his back, ensuring he was propped exactly the way Zoey had shown him before turning back to Travis.
Ethan was surprised to find him sitting on the couch, settled in like he was staying for a while. A sudden irresistible urge to hammer Travis with questions overcame him, and Ethan headed back to the chair, hoping he’d come up with a better idea before he started rattling off questions that would only embarrass him in the end.
But who better to ask than Travis? The man knew exactly what Ethan was going through.
“How’re things at the shop?” Travis asked, obviously trying to make casual conversation.
“Don’t know. Haven’t been back since earlier in the week. I doubt much has changed, so that means it’s all good.”
Travis lifted one dark eyebrow, and Ethan found himself explaining. “I went out of town for a couple of days. Took Beau down to Houston to get a tattoo.”
“How’d that go?”
“He didn’t get the tattoo.”
Travis laughed. “He chicken out?”
Ethan got defensive of Beau instantly but fought the automatic response. “No. The guy we went to see had a family emergency. Said he’d be up this way next week and would catch up with us then.”
“Gotcha. The big guy doesn’t seem like the type to be scared of a little needle.”
No, it didn’t seem like anything scared Beau. Nothing at all.
“Hey, Trav,” Ethan found himself saying, “can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” Travis answered, his stare suddenly filled with warmth and concern.
Awww, hell . Why couldn’t Travis be the uptight dickhead he used to be? Then maybe Ethan wouldn’t be so compelled to talk to him.
Ethan swallowed hard, glanced down at his hands and then back over at Travis.
“Was it hard for you to accept what you felt for Gage?”
To Ethan’s surprise, Travis didn’t laugh, didn’t poke fun at him, and he didn’t act as though the question was so far out of left field that he’d been blindsided with it.
“Is anything easy?”
Great. This was how they were going to play it.
Ethan considered that for a moment and responded with a resounding “No.”
“I won’t say I had a hard time, E. I think Gage did, so maybe you should ask him that question.”
Right. Like that was going to happen. Of all the things Ethan might ask his brother-in-law, it certainly wouldn’t be about relationships.
“Talk to me, E,” Travis encouraged, and Ethan realized he’d been sitting there quietly for long minutes.
“There’s nothing to say,” he answered defensively.
“No? You ask me whether it was difficult for me to accept my feelings for Gage, but you want to tell me there’s nothing to say. Right.”
“What?” Ethan asked, remembering to keep his voice low because Mason was asleep just a few feet away.
“We’ve all got secrets, E. I’m the absolute last person who would judge you. Consider that for a minute.”
Ethan did. He knew Travis would understand how he felt about Beau. He just wasn’t sure he knew how to talk about it.
After years of keeping his personal business to himself, talking to anyone was almost painful. How he had managed to share with Beau he had no idea, except it just felt right to talk to him. Not like he was baring his soul and someone was ready to tell him where he went wrong. Or what he should do differently. With Beau, Ethan knew he would listen without judging.
He knew that was the case with Travis too, but Ethan was hesitant. If he opened up to one member of his family, would he have to tell them all? He didn’t like the idea of them having to defend him to anyone, much less the people they called friends who would no doubt look down on Ethan.
“Okay, I’m gonna ask you a question,” Travis said, that ever-familiar frustration seeping back into his voice.
Ethan waited, knowing his brother wouldn’t shut up, even if he told him to.
“Do you think we don’t know?”
“Know what?” Ethan asked, choosing to play dumb.
“That you’re gay, E. Do you think it’s not as obvious as the day is long? You’re twenty-eight fucking years old, and you’ve never had a girlfriend. You’ve never let us meet anyone except that jackass Blake, and even then you tried to convince us he was just a friend.”
Ethan expected to be filled with rage, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t mad at Travis for calling him to the carpet. He just felt defeated.
“Do you love him, E?”
Ethan didn’t play dumb this time. Travis knew. They all knew. He’d never thought they didn’t know that he wasn’t the same as they were, but he respected the fact that they didn’t ask him about it. He didn’t want to share, didn’t want to put that burden on them.
“Yeah, I love him,” he answered honestly. Looking up and meeting Travis’s steely gaze was harder than he expected, but he did it, and then he repeated with more affirmation in his voice. “Yes. I love him.”
“That’s a first step,” Travis said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. “Don’t think you can protect those you love by pretending to be something you’re not. It always comes back to bite you in the ass.
“I mean, hell, I walked out of Kylie’s life right after we got married because I thought she couldn’t handle the fact that I needed more than only she could offer. I had to admit to myself and to my family that I’m bisexual. No one turned me away, E. The people who love you are much stronger than you give them credit for. Sometimes it just takes time to realize that.”
Ethan swallowed past the lump in his throat. Travis, the one-word wonder, just said more in the last five minutes than Ethan had heard from him in... well, probably in years.
“I don’t want him to get hurt,” Ethan stated, keeping his gaze trained on Travis. “Coming out is going to put him right in the line of fire.”
“You think Beau doesn’t know that already? Give him some credit, E. He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions. He doesn’t need you making them for him. So come up with a different excuse, because that’s bullshit and you know it.”
The harshness of Travis’s words sparked the dry embers of his anger, and Ethan glared at him. “It’s not bullshit. You haven’t been there. You haven’t been beaten because of who you love. You haven’t suffered the loss of someone who took their own life because they couldn’t deal with not being accepted.”
Travis looked stunned, and Ethan felt a measure of satisfaction. That didn’t last long because he suddenly felt sick.
“What are you talking about?” Travis asked, his voice low, his words coming out slowly.
“Me, damn it! And look what it’s done to the family. Dad ends up in jail because of me.”
“Dad wasn’t in jail. He wasn’t arrested.” Travis paused. “You better start talking, Ethan.”
Ethan wasn’t sure why this was coming up again, why he was caught off guard by the pain and anger that had been brewing inside of him for years. He couldn’t keep it in any longer. “Why? So you can go on a rampage, too? Are you going to go after Jimmy Reardon for beating me? For damn near killing me because I was in love with his brother? Maybe I deserved it. Maybe I still do. Gavin’s dead, God damn it! He’s fucking dead because of me!”
Ethan shot to his feet, and Travis did the same. Before Ethan could storm out of the room, he was embraced in Travis’s powerful grip, and he lost it. Every emotion he’d been holding back rose to the surface and exploded like a volcanic eruption. Angry tears blurred his eyes as he held on to Travis for dear life.
He had no idea how long Travis stood there, hugging him tightly before he finally calmed down, but when he stepped back, he didn’t see pity in Travis’s eyes like he expected.
“Is that why Dad went after Jimmy?”
Of course, Travis was going to linger on that piece of information he’d shared.
“I don’t know. I didn’t ask him. He’s not supposed to know, but he does.” Ethan already knew how that happened, and though he understood Sawyer’s reasoning, he still felt betrayed because he’d been led to believe all these years that no one knew. Ethan continued, “Which means he’s out to get Jimmy the same way Sawyer is. The same way everyone will be. And it won’t change anything. It won’t bring Gavin back.”
“Gavin? He’s Jimmy’s brother?”
“Yeah,” Ethan said, the anger draining out of him and leaving him feeling weak and pathetic. He dropped onto the edge of the coffee table and stared down at his hands, and before he knew it, Ethan had shared the whole sordid story with Travis. Everything. From loving Gavin to finding him dead and every horrible detail in between.
Travis paced the floor for a long time. While he was making tracks on the hardwood, Ethan made his way over to check on Mason. The little boy was sleeping soundly. Ethan just wanted to hold him. To cradle him against his chest and absorb some of the innocence from him.
Ethan heard the front door open, and he spun around to see Travis walking out. “Where are you going?” he asked, already scared that Travis was going to do something that he’d never be able to take back. Something that would ruin their lives forever.
“Don’t worry about me, E. I’m smarter than you give me credit for.”
Ethan wasn’t so sure about that.
“Do me a favor.”
Ethan nodded, waiting to hear what the favor was.
“Tell Beau. Tell him how you feel. He deserves to hear it. And you deserve to be happy.”
“I already have,” he said to the empty space that Travis had just vacated. “But don’t worry, I can do you one better,” he added for good measure.
Ethan grabbed his phone from his hip and typed in a quick text.
Can I stop by tonight? Want to see you.