Chapter 17
Reid
Depression was a common comorbidity with ADHD. Given it was also a common result of childhood trauma and abuse, you might say I’d been lucky to avoid it until now.
Lucky wasn’t how I was feeling. Lost. Hopeless. Unmotivated. Numb. Those were better adjectives.
None of the advice I’d found online was useful.
Spend time with friends. Hard pass. It was bad enough that Chester had been dragged into this because of me—I wasn’t letting the same fate befall the others.
I hadn’t seen Bryce, Mac, or Cole in months now. Thanks to the busy holiday season, I’d been able to get away with it to a certain extent.
Now that it was over, my friends were determined to get back into my life. I’d hidden in the storage cooler no less than three times now, letting Chester make excuses to my friends as to why I couldn’t see them.
They probably hated me, but it was better than them being dead because of me.
That wasn’t the only piece of mental health advice I’d found. There were others, all equally useless.
Get outside in the fresh air. Bit hard to do that when I was terrified I was going to be jumped and dragged back to the Clarkson lands.
Talk to someone. That would require me to converse with someone other than Chester. Even with him, I was finding it difficult. To be completely honest, the only thing that forced me into work was the knowledge that I needed my job. Without it, I’d lose my flat. My independence. My security.
That was a far scarier thought than anything the depression was putting me through.
Before Clyde’s death, I’d been answering my friends’ messages and calls. Since then…not so much. I didn’t want them having any connection with me. Not when it could be exploited by the wrong people.
Go on medication. Well, that one we could definitely blame on the childhood trauma. Guess who didn’t need medication because they were immortal? And, as a result, guess who was made to feel weaker whenever he needed antibiotics?
Those rare occasions had been the only times I ever left the clan lands. The tiny glimpses I’d get of human life through the car window gave me hope that there was a better world out there. A place where I wouldn’t be sneered at. Where my failings wouldn’t be held up for everyone to judge.
I’d never understood why Clyde bothered taking me to the doctors’. He’d bitch the entire time and make sure I knew exactly how inconvenient my illness was for him. I’d always thought it strange that he didn’t just let me die. Wouldn’t that have been easier for him?
Maybe he just loved having an easy target around. Someone he could release his tension on without the fear of them biting back. Me being able to do menial chores was likely another reason.
It wasn’t love or care.
I guessed I should be grateful he actually took me to the doctors for the medicine I needed. It was the only kind I ever got. Calpol was something I only learned about as an adult. Pain was meant to be hidden and never mentioned.
After all, none of the other members of the clan would complain about a sprained wrist or a black eye. Why should I?
I did once point out that they didn’t complain because the injury never lasted long enough for them to feel it.
The second black eye I got after that stopped me ever bringing it up again.
Anyway, my point was that medication wasn’t something my brain would let me do unless I was at death’s door. The depression was making it near impossible to function, but I wasn’t there.
It was a shame, really. I’d often wondered what my life would be like on ADHD medication. There were so many fantastic options out there now. Maybe one day I’d get past it. When this fucking nightmare was over and I could think about my future without choking on fear.
Assuming I lived long enough to have a future.
Look, I was aware that I was being dramatic. The likelihood of the Clarksons still being after me following Clyde’s death was slim. The probability of them successfully taking me back to their lands was even slimmer given I had a wolf guarding me at all times.
Really, there was nothing to stop me going for a walk.
I knew I was as safe outside as I was in my flat.
There was also nothing stopping me answering my phone when Bryce FaceTimed or replying to one of Mac’s many messages.
I could even game online with Cole, just as I used to before all of this happened.
I could even talk to someone. Logan, Finn, and Chester had all made it clear that they were there to listen. That they were worried about me. That they’d do whatever it took to support me through this.
But I just couldn’t do it. Any of it. It didn’t matter if the barriers could be removed, my depression wouldn’t let me shift them even an inch.
There was one person I suspected I’d be able to open up to. One who’d listened to me at a time when no one else had. Who’d let me prattle on about whatever topic held my brain in its grip without an ounce of judgement.
Who’d walked out of my flat pissed off at me, and hadn’t shown his face again since.
Which was a good thing. I reminded myself of this every day. And again every night as I fucked myself with my biggest dildo and pretended it was him.
Evan and I couldn’t ever be anything more than acquaintances. I hadn’t run away from a shifter clan just to land myself right in the middle of another.
Not that Evan would want a future with someone like me. I was too chaotic. Too weak. Too…human.
Various people had invited me out over the past few months, but I’d only been tempted by one. Logan had pushed for me to join the McCarthys and Chester over both Christmas and New Year’s. I’d almost said yes. The word had been hovering on the tip of my tongue.
But then Logan had told me Evan wouldn’t be there. Emphatically.
And the idea had suddenly lost all appeal.
No, I didn’t know why I wanted to see Evan so desperately either. I was the one who’d set the boundary. I was the one who’d insisted we maintain it. I was the one who’d made him feel like shit after we hooked up.
I was completely in the wrong; I knew that.
But I wasn’t a logical person at the best of times.
My life had been completely upended over the past few months, and I was…
scared. Scared that it’d never get better.
That I wouldn’t get any version of the future I’d dreamed of for myself.
That the past few years were the best I’d ever experience.
Most of all, I was exhausted. And alone.
So fucking alone.
Again, my fault. Knowing that didn’t make me feel any better though.
I could have really used a hug. Just someone holding me tight and whispering that everything would be okay. That they’d look after me. I’d never had that before, but it sounded nice. Better than nice.
Perfect.
Any of my friends would have done that for me. I was sure of it.
But they weren’t the ones I wanted it from.
I was trudging back to my car at the end of a long day. Chester had invited me over to his for dinner, but I’d declined, claiming I’d meal prepped for the week the day before.
We both knew it was bullshit. I was lucky if I remembered to buy food, let alone actually plan or prep my meals. There’d been a few times where Logan or Finlay had taken pity on me and had a takeaway delivered anonymously, but even those I’d barely touched. Food held no appeal for me at the moment.
They weren’t the only things that had randomly turned up at my house.
One of them must’ve spotted my current fixation on puzzles.
I wasn’t sure which of them was sending them, and I was too embarrassed to ask.
To admit that I was struggling, and that those puzzles were the only things stopping me from falling deeper into the abyss.
Thankfully, Chester didn’t call me on my bullshit. He just bid me goodbye with a crinkle between his brows. It was pretty much a permanent feature when he looked at me now.
I hated that he was worried about me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that he cared enough to worry…but I didn’t like that my behaviour was impacting him.
Just as much of a burden as when you were a child.
Even dead, I couldn’t get the fucker’s voice out of my head.
The roads were dark as I followed my usual route home on autopilot.
We were in the full grip of winter. The past few mornings, you’d almost been able to smell snow on the air.
Usually, I’d be checking the weather obsessively and pulling up images of clouds to compare with the ones outside my window.
Not this year.
Through my car window, I glimpsed a flash of red fur. I didn’t often see my guards, but whenever I did, they weren’t Evan.
Maybe he couldn’t stand to be around me now. I wouldn’t blame him. I’d behaved appallingly ever since he’d walked back into my life.
Pulling up outside my flat, I flicked the engine off. I didn’t move immediately. It was fucking brassic out there. Even without the depression, I’d need a minute or so to psyche myself up to leave the warmth of my car.
When the chill started to creep in, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. Bracing myself, I stepped out into the freezing night. In the time it took me to close the car door, and turn towards my house, a wolf had appeared in my path.
I froze. “What’s wrong?”
The wolf wasn’t facing me. He was focused on the road, his hackles raised as he gave a low growl.
“Oh shit,” I whimpered. “They’re coming for me, aren’t they?”
The shifter didn’t respond verbally, but backed up until his tail was brushing against me. I didn’t know who he was, just that he wasn’t one of the inner circle.
Fuck, I hope they’re on their way.
“Go get help,” I urged him, my hand scrabbling behind me as I searched for the door handle. Being in the car probably wouldn’t save me, but maybe it’d slow them down. “Don’t stay here. You’ll get yourself killed.”
He might have been a wolf, but there was no mistaking the withering glare he gave me. He backed up even closer, his message clear.
He wasn’t going anywhere.