Chapter 21
Reid
Ihad no idea what to say.
Actually, scrap that, I knew exactly what to say. “How do you know?”
Evan frowned. “Know what?”
“That I’ve been…struggling.” I didn’t bother to deny it. Not when it was abundantly fucking clear that my mental health was in the toilet. “Did Chester tell you?”
“Ah…no.” He rubbed at the back of his neck, something I’d noticed he did when he was nervous. “I saw it myself.”
“How? When?”
“When I was guarding you.” He winced. “I know I shouldn’t have been watching so closely, but I had to know you were safe.”
Horror slowly dawned. “When you say watching…”
“Like, through your windows,” Evan muttered, his beautiful face maroon. “Fuck, now I sound like a stalker.”
“Oh my god.” I dropped my own burning face into my hands. “Were you on guard the night I decided to reenact the TTPD section of the Eras tour?”
Evan cleared his throat. “I thought it was very inventive, especially how you used the mop.”
Kill me now. Seriously, it couldn’t get any worse.
That was when my brain happily provided a memory that proved that, yes, it could indeed get worse. Because dancing around dramatically was definitely tamer than the other ways I’d been trying to improve my mood.
Namely by riding my oversized dildo.
Every night.
While moaning Evan’s name.
I slowly lowered my hands away from my face. “Um, exactly how good is your hearing?”
Evan suddenly couldn’t meet my eyes. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s better than okay,” I said slowly as mortification flooded my veins. That could be its new home, because there was no way I’d ever get over this. “Because you heard me cry out when I found the spider.”
He blew out a breath before speaking very fast. “Okay, I heard you once. But that’s on me. You were in the privacy of your own home, and fully entitled to do whatever you wanted.”
“Just once?” How was that possible?
His head bobbed rapidly. “I brought earbuds with me after that. Whenever I suspected you were going in for some, ah, stress relief, I popped them in and played music. Loudly. Very, very loudly.”
I didn’t know if it was his earnest expression or not, but I laughed. “That’s…oddly sweet.”
“It was the right thing to do. I never should’ve heard it the first time. I’m so fucking sorry that I violated your privacy in that way. It was never my intention. All I wanted was to be close by if you needed me. To hear if you called out my name.”
“I definitely did that while riding my dildo.”
It was moments like this when I wished I had a brain-to-mouth filter. I slammed my hand over my mouth but it was too late. The words had left and were out there.
To my eternal gratitude, Evan laughed. “Aye, and don’t think I forgot that whenever I put my earbuds in. Fucking killed me not knowing if you did it every time.”
“I did,” I said, sighing dramatically. “It’s not my fault. You showed me your magnificent package and never let me play with it again.”
Evan’s shoulders were shaking from the laughter he was trying to contain. “Magnificent package?”
“What else would you like me to call it? Your stupendous truncheon? Resplendent weapon? The almighty of dicks?”
“Stop,” Evan wheezed, his head falling on my shoulder as he laughed hysterically. “I can’t breathe.”
I patted his back solemnly. “That often happens to men when I praise their cocks. I’m known for my way with words.”
It took Evan a few seconds, but eventually he managed to pull himself together. “I think we got off track a bit.”
I shrugged. “You’ll have to get used to that with me, I’m afraid.”
A smile bloomed on his lips, so achingly bright it had me wanting to shy away. “I can’t wait.”
Something stretched between us. Something I refused to look at too closely.
Thankfully, Evan spoke first. “Just to be clear—I only stayed away after that night because I thought it was what you wanted.”
“It was,” I said automatically. “At least, that’s what I told myself.”
Evan’s hand slid onto mine. I wavered for a minute, debating whether or not to nudge him off. I knew he’d remove it without question.
Instead, I found myself flipping my hand over and lacing my fingers through his.
Evan’s throat bobbed as he stared down at our hands before looking back at me with a new determination. “And if I’m being completely clear, my ‘package’ is yours to play with however and whenever you like. I’m happy to be your stress relief, or whatever else you need.”
The heat in his eyes had all my blood rushing south. When I spoke, the words were more strangled than I would’ve liked. “I thought we weren’t jumping into a relationship.”
Evan’s dimple appeared. “Sex isn’t a relationship, Reid.”
“But you’re hoping we might end up in a relationship though, right?”
“What I’m hoping for isn’t relevant.” Evan rubbed the back of his neck again. “Yes, I’d love for that to happen. But I’ve realised something while we’ve been talking. We’re in different places, and that’s okay.”
I blinked at him. “That’s confusing, because we’re literally in the same place.”
He rolled his eyes. “Not literally, sweetheart. Metaphorically. I’ve spent months watching you through your window.
I know that your favourite flavour of ice cream is pecan brownie.
That you eat a bowl of it some nights after dinner.
Sometimes you eat it instead of dinner. You leave your keys in a different place after work despite having a hook for them by your front door.
I know your latest hyperfixation is puzzles, and before that it was something that looked like you were stabbing some material over and over? ”
“Punch needle,” I muttered. “It’s a form of embroidery. A stupid one. Spent a fortune on all the kit and never got the hang of it.”
Mind you, that was how most of my hyperfixations went. Just ask the dusty Cricut machine in my cupboard or the mountain of barely touched paint on the shelf in my bedroom.
Evan laughed. “Good to know. I was mildly concerned that you’d made a voodoo doll of me and were repeatedly stabbing it.”
Now I was chuckling too. “Damn. I really should’ve thought of that. A fun craft and a bit of stress relief.”
Evan’s pupils dilated and I knew he was thinking about the same thing I was. The other way I’d been relieving my stress over the past few weeks.
Last night was very stressful. You’ve got the real thing here now. Evan’s practically offered to gift-wrap it for you.
Wow, even my cock was getting in on my inner monologue now. Too bad for it that I wasn’t going to take its advice.
Not yet, anyway. A boy had to have some self-restraint.
Some.
Right now, I was too fixated on finding out what observations Evan had made. I’d seen myself through others’ eyes before, but often the results had been cruel.
‘Weak.’
‘Can’t concentrate for more than a few seconds.’
‘Taken out by a cold.’
‘You talk too much.’
‘Why bother doing that? You’ll lose interest in a few days.’
For most of my life, my family had starved me of everything I needed to thrive. Here Evan was, offering me food. Morsels of my own life that he’d noticed but wasn’t criticising.
I was starving for it.
“Most of all though,” he said softly, “I saw you disappear inside yourself. You’ve barely been sleeping. Eating’s been very hit and miss too. You’ve withdrawn from your friends. Aside from going to work, you don’t leave your house.”
Tears burned behind my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. “Can you blame me? Like you said, I barely left my house and others still got hurt because of me.”
“And fully recovered in a few minutes.”
“My friends wouldn’t,” I said thickly. “I can’t risk them, Ev. I won’t.”
Evan hummed. “Maybe you don’t have to. I have a few ideas around that.”
This had all gotten too intense. It was bad enough that I was struggling, but to know Evan had seen it too?
It was unbearable. Another reflection of how weak I was. How I should have been able to snap out of it.
I picked at the loose thread again. I had sewing needles at home somewhere from an abandoned attempt at making my own clothes. I’d picked up enough to fix this though. If Evan didn’t mind, of course. “What else did you notice?”
Evan went with my change of subject. “When you’re overstimulated, you put on your headphones and sit in the same place on the sofa. But when you’re not, you like to game on your Switch while watching Friends on the TV and having a true crime documentary running on your laptop.”
My lips twitched. “I like the comfort of Friends while I’m being scarred by the documentary.”
“I know,” he said good-humouredly. “You wear all sorts when you go to work, but as soon as you’re home you change into a baggy T-shirt and joggers. If I had to guess, it’s because they’re super soft.”
“Jeans feel scratchy after you’ve been in them all day.”
“Tell me about it. I’m never very upset if I shift while wearing denim. Just gives me an excuse to not wear them again.”
Once more, my lack of filter came into play. “Shame, because you fill them out really well.”
“Huh. I hadn’t thought of it like that.” His tongue darted over his lower lip. My eyes followed it hungrily. “Maybe you can come shopping with me for a few new pairs.”
I pretended to consider it. “Would you model them for me?”
“Aye, of course.” Evan’s deep rumble had goosebumps rising. “You’d have to come into the fitting rooms with me though. I might need help with the buttons.”
I nodded solemnly. “They can be very tricky.”
We stared at each other, heat lingering, before I dragged my gaze away with a raw chuckle. “Who knew you were as good at getting distracted as me?”
Evan gave me a crooked grin. “That’s kind of my point, Reid.
I know all of this stuff about you, but you don’t know anything about me.
And I want you to know me. The real me. Not the version you remember from thirteen years ago.
Not the guilt-ridden me who’s been constantly fucking up since walking back into your life. ”
I winced. “You’re not the only one who’s been fucking up. I’ve done a pretty great job of it too.”
“Well how about we start afresh?” Evan extended his hand solemnly. “Hi, I’m Evan. I’m stubborn. I like to think I’m funny but my friends would probably disagree, and I have an unhealthy addiction to custard cream biscuits.”
I shook his hand, trying to ignore how good it felt to have my hand enclosed in his larger one. “Custard creams? Why not bourbons?”
Evan’s nose wrinkled. “Ew. No. They’re so dry.”
“That’s why you dip them in tea.” I tilted my head. “I wonder which biscuit was invented first. I should Google that. Or add it to my list.”
“I’m dying to see this list,” Evan confessed. “Your brain kind of fascinates me.”
“Well that’s good, because it drives me crazy sometimes.”
“Nah, I love trying to figure out how it works. It’s made guarding you a pleasure, not a chore.”
Evan really needed to stop giving me these morsels. If he didn’t, I’d become addicted, and that wasn’t good news for anyone. “I didn’t realise you were even part of the shift rotation. After what I said to you, I thought you wanted nothing more to do with me.”
“That could never happen.” Evan shook his head. “I’m always going to be there if you need me, Reid.”
“Wait,” I said suddenly. “The takeaway deliveries…the puzzles…”
Evan’s expression turned cagey. “What about them?”
“It was you, wasn’t it?” It was. It was. It was.
His thumb stroked my hand idly. “Do ye want it to have been me?”
Yes. No. Fuck, I didn’t know.
No, I did.
I wanted it to have been him. But I didn’t want to want that. Or rather, I knew I shouldn’t want that.
Jesus, my brain was a mess.
“Maybe.”
“Then maybe it was me,” he said lightly. “Maybe it was me trying to make your life a little bit brighter from afar. Really, what I’d like to do is attempt it up close.”
I wanted to believe that, but I was a lot to be around. Evan might change his mind once he actually spent time with me. It was all very well observing my life, but being part of it? It would exhaust him the same way as it did me.
My family couldn’t put up with me, so why would Evan?
“Come on.” He slapped his knees. “Let’s go and grab you some clothes. You can’t be comfy just wearing that.”
I gathered his hoody around me like he might snatch it off me right now. “I’m fine. Better than fine. This is great.”
Possibly the best thing I’d ever worn. I tried not to think about whether that was because of the material or because it was Evan’s.
I was too scared of what the answer would be.
Evan smiled gently. “That’s good, because my wolf likes seeing you in my clothes.”
My tongue suddenly felt too big for my mouth. “Just your wolf?”
He held my gaze firmly. “Are ye sure yer ready for the answer to that?”
It was too much. I ducked my head, cutting off the moment.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” There was no judgement there. If anything, he sounded…amused? “Don’t worry, Reid, I’ve got plenty of hoodies you can wear. Trousers, on the other hand…”
The tension left me as I giggled. “Yeah, I think they’d come up to my neck.”
“Exactly.” He stood up. “So you need those, at the very least. We may as well pick up your Switch and some other things too. I want you to be comfortable here, Reid.”
There were words I should probably have been saying to that.
Unfortunately, my ability to speak had vanished the instant I’d spotted the soft bulge now directly level with my face.
Suddenly I was unable to think about anything except that.
About how easily I could reach out and tug his joggers down.
Watch it harden and lengthen under my fingers. Lean forward, mouth open as I—
A husky voice interrupted my imaginings. “And we can grab your toys if you like. Or you can just use the real thing. Whichever you’d prefer.”
I blushed, pulling my gaze away from the bulge that definitely couldn’t be described as soft now. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be, sweetheart.” He shot me a wink before holding out his hand to help me up. “Trust me, if you could see inside my mind right now, I’d be the one apologising.”