Chapter 19
B y the time I’d checked into a hotel just a couple blocks from Asher’s apartment, I’d been sure I’d spend the night tossing and turning, going over everything that’d happened yesterday. Every hurtful word said, every disappointing revelation, and the many different kinds of heartbreak.
But despite the mess of emotions and thoughts weighing down my mind, I’d crashed from the exhaustion of it almost as soon as I’d gotten into my room and had woken before my alarm was set to go off.
After walking to the same coffee shop I’d first met Asher at and treating myself to a caramel macchiato in a hopeful attempt at starting the day off right, I’d gone back to the hotel to get ready for a day of hanging out with Kaia and made sure to diffuse my hair so my curls were perfectly big and beautifully chaotic .
I hoped they aggravated Asher on his way out.
Smiling at the daytime doorman as I walked through the lobby of Asher’s building, I tried stopping him when he hurried to the elevator. “You don’t have to do that,” I assured him as I searched my bag for the metal card I’d totally forgotten about the day before. “Mr. Briggs had a keycard made for me so I wouldn’t have to bother you anymore.”
The man huffed out a laugh and fixed how the hat was sitting on his white hair. “I’ll always be happy to help, ma’am. And if Mr. Briggs had a card made for you, it wasn’t so you wouldn’t be a bother, it’s because you’re someone special.”
I just barely managed to keep my eyes from rolling but still made a face to let the adorable man know that wasn’t the case. “I promise you, sir, I’m not.”
He lifted a finger and pulled out his card just as the elevator doors slid open. “I’ve been managing this building since long before Mr. Briggs became a tenant,” he began, and I immediately started kicking myself for ever thinking of him as a doorman. “He’s given prior authorization to a very small list of people to be let up, but in all the years he’s been here, he has never given anyone access to his home the way he did when he had that card made for you.”
If he’d told me that yesterday, I was sure my heart would’ve tried escaping my chest long before my conversation with Peyton. As it was, a few traitorous butterflies were still flapping in my stomach at the chance he might be right.
But he wasn’t. I’d heard Asher loud and clear.
“It’s just because I’m the nanny,” I told him as he finished entering his card and pressing the button for the twenty-ninth floor.
“Well...” He made a small movement that could only be explained as doubtful. “Again, I’ve been managing this building for many, many years, ma’am.” He stepped off the elevator just before the doors began closing and winked, his lazy drawl filling with mischief when he added, “But what do I know?”
I stared unblinking at the doors, trying desperately to get his words and insinuations out of my head because he was wrong. I knew he was.
I’d heard Asher.
Just as the car began rising, my phone chimed, and I quickly searched for it.
I’d woken to so many messages and voicemails from my parents and Jackson—none of which I’d read or listened to—and had contemplated putting my phone on Do Not Disturb or turning it off altogether. But the part of me that wanted to believe Peyton and the daytime manager, and wanted yesterday to have been some terrible mistake, had still been foolishly waiting for Asher to say something.
An explanation I might not believe. An apology I might not accept. Anything.
But when I pulled my phone out of my purse, my chest deflated a little when I saw the message was from my sister instead—the first I’d heard from her since leaving her room.
Opening it, I quickly scanned the contents just as another came through.
Wren
With how utterly crappy your day was, I’m assuming you forgot we opened for blueberry picking yesterday. Jackson and his parents showed after you left last night, mostly to take care of the animals they bring for the petting zoo, I think. But they still talked about you...it wasn’t great. And head’s up, Jackson’s planning another proposal.
I know you’re mad, and I get it. I swear I do. But it wouldn’t hurt for you to show for opening days.
I had forgotten, even though I was sure they’d been talking about it over dinner on Sunday.
The opening week of blueberry and pumpkin picking was always our busiest, with the opening weekend being something of a spectacle. And not that we weren’t always around, but the entire family made it a point to be seen that first week.
I’d never missed an opening day until yesterday.
On top of the well of guilt in my stomach, telling me to be there for my family no matter what it cost me, there was a whisper of sadness tugging at my chest. Even with feeling trapped under the weight of expectations and the farm, opening weeks had always been something to look forward to throughout my life.
Almost like a little celebration for our family.
And I hadn’t been there.
Glancing at the ascending floors, I tapped out a response and slipped my phone back into my purse just as I reached Asher’s apartment.
Everything’s just so complicated. But I’ll get over there if I can...just maybe not in the way Mom and Dad expect or want me to.
I drew in a steeling breath as the doors slid open and tried getting back into the headspace I’d been in just minutes before. One where I was absolutely fine with seeing Asher Briggs and wasn’t affected by his presence or words or anything about him at all.
He was my boss, and I was his employee. I knew his thoughts on me, and he was allowed to have them. It was better to know where he stood anyway.
But as I made my way through the massive room that acted as a living room, my steps slowed as a weird sensation I couldn’t accurately describe washed over me.
Because there were plants scattered around the apartment. The blankets and throw pillows I’d bought were on the couches. And there was a large basket tucked away in the corner, overflowing with things for Kaia.
All things I was sure I’d removed from this very space the day before—things I would’ve sworn were still in my car because I hadn’t wanted to look like a psycho intent on moving in by hauling them through the hotel.
I slowly walked over to one of the couches, blinking slowly like that might make the pillows disappear, then ran my hand over the blanket once I got there.
Real...which meant I had an extraordinary and slightly terrifying imagination because I could vividly?—
“Lainey.”
I turned at his gruff tone and realized all my pep talks had been for nothing because it took all my strength to stand tall and hold his stare when my body wanted to crumple under the words I could still hear so clearly.
“Hi,” I managed to say without sounding like I was being repeatedly crushed by insults I was sure I was never meant to hear. “You can say ‘no,’ but I was wondering if I could take Kaia somewhere.”
“I’m sorry.”
My head moved in sharp, fast jerks as I reached for where he had a sleepy Kaia curled against his chest. “It really isn’t?—”
“Let me explain.”
“I don’t want you to!” The words were meant to be forceful—to let him know exactly where I stood on this. But instead of the severity I’d intended, they’d come out on a strained wheeze as tears pricked at my eyes. “You said we weren’t talking about last year, and I’ve respected that. So, respect me when I tell you I don’t wanna talk about this.”
“Lainey—”
“Ever, Mr. Briggs,” I said over him. “I fixed what I’d already done.” I swung my hand in the direction of the couches and mentally added, or maybe I didn’t... “And I’ll make sure your apartment is always exactly how you like it, so you don’t have to worry about what you might come home to. But as I said last night, unless it’s something to do with Kaia, I do not want to speak with you.”
He watched me for long seconds, his jaw ticking as those dark eyes stayed locked on me, as pleading as they were furious. “Give me a minute to explain.”
I’d drawn in a quick breath to stop him, but the plea in his words caught me off guard and had me stumbling over my own. “You never give anyone chances to explain themselves, Mr. Briggs, and I know you well enough to know you can’t explain away what you said yesterday.” I brushed at a tear that managed to slip free and quickly added, “Now, can I please take Kaia somewhere today?”
For so long, I expected him to continue trying.
But there was nothing else to be said. As he’d told me, he preferred honesty so much that he wasn’t even the kind of person to lie about how he was doing. So, I knew he’d meant every word the day before.
Just when it looked like he was going to make another request, he roughed out a sharp breath and asked, “Where?”
“My farm.” At the hurt and suspicion that briefly flared in his eyes, I hurried to explain, “We opened for blueberry picking yesterday. I thought it’d be fun to take her through the fields and to see the animals.”
Asher’s head bobbed ever so slightly as he finally passed Kaia over to me, a smile spreading across her chubby cheeks when I reached for her. “Hi, sleepy,” I murmured as I snuggled the adorable little girl close, knowing the starfish outfit she was still in was the source of her being so quiet and cuddly this morning. Turning for the kitchen, I asked, “Wanna go on an adventure today?”
That earned another smile, and I thought I might love these times the most—where she was sleepy and fully focused on whoever was holding her. Then again, there was something about the shrieks of excitement and joy as she played that tugged at my heart just as much.
“Let’s get you fed first,” I said as I sat her in the highchair. Once she was seated, I unzipped the top of the outfit, freeing her arms so any breakfast damage would only happen to her onesie.
Before I could even decide on what to give her that morning, a ding echoed through the large apartment. And something about that sound, about Asher slipping away almost completely unnoticed, had my soul wrenching.
I glanced in the direction of the foyer, not that I could see anything but the kitchen from where I was standing, then let my stare fall to the unused espresso machine that still had his note taped to it.
But I reminded myself Asher Briggs wasn’t why I was here. He never had been.
Turning, I looked at where Kaia was playing with the sides of her highchair and vowed, “We’re going to have the best day,” before hurrying through the kitchen.
After spending the early morning with Kaia, I got her ready for a day outside, figured out the impossible stroller, and walked her the couple blocks back to my hotel. My heart swelled at the way her sweet face lit up with each person we passed, as if this were the most exciting day of her young life, and we hadn’t even gotten to the farm yet.
Once I got her car seat strapped into the rear section of my SUV, I climbed into the driver’s seat and started toward Huntley, studiously ignoring the décor still littering my passenger side and what the duplicates in Asher’s apartment might signify.
Nothing good had ever come from trying to figure him out.
Nothing good had ever come from hoping he might be someone he clearly wasn’t.