Chapter 16
At the question, I forced myself to turn slowly, when really the implication made me want to whip around and spit out a denial. Sizing up Emberly as she sauntered toward me, my lips parted to do exactly that—deny—when she spoke again.
“You know,” she continued over me, “it’s common knowledge that I share too much about myself in any given conversation. However, some of the people I love most—my husband and sister, to be exact—need their thoughts to be their own. It kills me, obviously, but I’ve learned to understand it.”
Emberly gave me a meaningful look as she lowered herself to the porch near me.
“So, this is me saying, I’ve watched you enough times to know you need thoughts to be your own.
Unfortunately for you, giving people space really isn’t a strength of mine,” she said unapologetically.
“Not unlike a certain guy who’s crazy about you. ”
Another automatic denial crowded on my tongue at her claim, but I found I couldn’t force it to leave as my thoughts drifted back to just moments ago, with Gray’s face hovering directly over mine.
My pulse maintained a fast yet uneven pace when I remembered the way his fingers had drifted over mine. Soft and unassuming, yet the touch paired with his confessions these past days had shifted everything I’d ever known.
I just couldn’t figure out what had brought on the sudden change.
This wasn’t the Gray who charmed women into his arms. This wasn’t even my Gray.
And it didn’t make sense for it to be in response to Wren or Tessa, or even those obnoxious women he’d run into at the festival.
His typical response after bumping into a fling or shamelessly flirting with someone was to then infuriatingly flirt with me until I either shoved him away or stormed off to escape his antics.
Not this.
Choking back the confusion and uncertainty and longing, I briefly glanced at Emberly before looking at where the clouds had finally opened up to a steady rain. “You’re wrong,” I finally managed to say. “I’ve never been the one he’s crazy about.”
A startled laugh dripping with understanding burst from Emberly, forcing my attention back to her.
“Right, so, I grew up with the Dixon boys, which means I grew up with Hudson Gray. I’ve had the immense displeasure of witnessing him in action plenty of times.
” An apologetic look briefly crossed her face.
“And I can confidently say that boy has been crazy about you and you alone from the second you stepped into his life.”
It was an odd feeling to want to believe her—even start to believe her. After all, my fickle heart wanted to believe him. But like every other time I’d let my thoughts run wild with possibilities of Hudson Gray, reality was quick to rip any feeble hope away.
I wondered if I’d ever be able to see anything other than him and every other woman.
The crippling self-doubt and damaging insecurities that had long become my companions whispered no.
“I know what it’s like to be in love with someone and to feel invisible to them,” she continued, voice softer than before. Almost hesitant. “I know what it’s like for that invisibility to be a lie and to feel like we wasted years.”
I tensed as that traitorous hope flared, drowning out every heartbreaking moment over the years as she continued.
“I know what it’s like to want to cling so tight to what you think you know of the situation because it’s safe—because it protects you. But it doesn’t. Not really.”
“You don’t know me, and you don’t know anything about this situation,” I shot back defensively.
But instead of looking shocked at the outburst, Emberly just studied me with a well of understanding. Probably because she did, considering she’d just described me so perfectly in a few sentences.
And I hated that anyone could see me so clearly. Not just anyone, but a near-stranger who was pseudo-related to Gray.
I hated feeling so vulnerable. So exposed.
More importantly, I hated this feeling like I’d finally broken, because my eyes were burning all over again in front of that near-stranger, and I didn’t know how to stop it. I also didn’t know why I was on the verge of crying.
“You’re right,” she said with a nonchalant shrug and a lift of a dark brow, even though she didn’t sound or look like she was admitting defeat.
“I don’t know what’s currently going on between you and Hudson, but, like I said, I grew up with him.
I know him. I’ve heard him talk about you for .
. . oh man, so long. And I’ve also witnessed the two of you interact over the years. ”
“We’re best friends,” I reminded her.
She made a face like I was missing something so incredibly obvious. “That isn’t all you are.”
The ring hanging around my neck seemed to burn against my chest, but I fought the urge to grab it as I stared at her.
“Have you ever considered that maybe, maybe, you don’t see him clearly? See your relationship clearly?” Her head slanted as her eyes narrowed in contemplation. “Or maybe that you don’t let yourself see it clearly?”
My lips parted to remind her I saw our relationship just fine because I’d seen him all too clearly nearly every day, just as I was hit with memory after memory of Hudson Gray and me.
Endless smiles reserved solely for me, thrilling and confusing me, even though I refused to let myself linger on the former, because that wolfish, heart-stopping smirk he gave everyone wasn’t far behind.
Appearing at my side exactly when I needed him, even though I couldn’t stand that he seemed to know that.
Doing whatever it took to make sure we were paired up on details, even though it made me feel like he was babysitting me.
Spending nearly every night doing everything and nothing with me, even though I’d been sure it was only due to my selfishness, because I’d been trying to keep him from other women.
Showing up with matcha lattes, food, or just my smile as peace offerings for whatever argument we’d gotten into that day, even though I always picked bigger fights when he did.
Not just over the past three months, but over all the years I’d known him.
And this weekend?
“You remind me of my sister,” she went on when I got lost in seeing all my encounters with Gray from a new light.
Blinking back over at Emberly, I asked, “What?” on a delay and noticed the twitch of her dark-stained lips, like she knew exactly where my thoughts had gone.
“The idea of love was—and might still be—truly terrifying for her. She avoided it for so long.” Her lips pursed. “I don’t think it’s terrifying for you, but it definitely seems like something you avoid.”
I no longer wanted to have this conversation. I wasn’t sure I’d wanted to have it to begin with.
Girl talk with Lainey and Chloe hadn’t been this invasive, and even that had been torturous. But this? What was it about talking to other women that had me wanting to take that flight option for the first time?
“I see it only because I’ve come to understand her,” Emberly went on, slightly tipping her head in the direction of the house.
“But even Rae knew that when you meet the person who is willing to battle for you because they see you, it’s okay to stop running.
It’s okay to stop blocking. It’s okay to let them love you and let yourself love them back. ”
At some point, I was sure she’d switched from talking about her sister to me, but I didn’t try to correct her. I didn’t know how when her horrifyingly accurate and insightful words had my chest twisting and my lungs straining.
Instead, I just stared at her. That knot in my throat thicker and more jagged than before, because, even if Emberly was right—even if Gray truly loved me and if I’d blocked us this entire time—she didn’t understand. She couldn’t.
She couldn’t understand my family, or the insecurities formed by countless, mocking men throughout my life. She couldn’t understand the years of watching Gray repeatedly choose the opposite of me, or how I’d destroyed us these past months.
I fought the unfamiliar impulse to lay every one of my frustrations, devastations, and bewilderments at her feet. To confess truths about my life and my family while asking for insight on how to fix what I’d ruined.
Emberly nodded as if she thought my panic was a revelation instead, and proudly whispered, “I’ll leave you with that,” as she pushed to her feet and turned toward the door.
And why was I panicking over this at all? I did not panic. I did not cry. I did not run.
Yet Hudson Gray had me doing all those things . . . lately and literally.
My chest pitched in sharp, short huffs as I desperately tried to take in oxygen.
More traitorous tears relentlessly, embarrassingly fell down my cheeks as I pushed off the porch and hurried down the steps.
Then I was rushing down the long, gravel drive until I was off the property and headed down the stretch of road.
Running.
In the rain.
In flip flops.
I’d never wanted to talk to my mom as badly as I did then. Since her unexpected passing, I’d found myself wishing time and time again to be able to slip into her room and have just one more judgement-free minute with her.
But that longing had never been as strong as it was then.
I needed the person who’d always let me bare my every emotion.
I needed to tell her about my confusing and devastating predicament with the man I’d only ever gushed over with her.
I needed her thoughts and her comfort, and even those ridiculous, cold words she always carelessly tossed out when she was done letting me have my minute.
“That’s enough. Force the rest back and be done with it.”
A soggy laugh ripped from my strained lungs as I staggered to a stop and dropped to a crouch, gripping my head in my hands as my chest heaved harder and the tears fell faster. As if there was no stopping the onslaught because I was well and truly breaking.
Funny . . . I would’ve thought I’d be more bothered by it. But maybe my heart had just been too ruined, and maybe I’d just destroyed too much.
Despite the roar of a racing engine and tell-tale signs of brakes on wet pavement, my movements were lethargic as I lifted my head and looked to the side to find a familiar truck idling beside me.
“What are you doing?” Gray yelled as he stalked around the truck. “You just—Mallory, what’s wrong?”
I stood just as slowly as my previous movement to face where Gray stood, rain darkening his hair and splattering his shirt.
Hand halfway outstretched, as if he’d started reaching for me from where he was a few feet away.
Stunned gaze quickly taking in the tears mixing with the rain racing down my cheeks.
And for a whole three seconds, I contemplated getting into his truck without a word before deciding I couldn’t do this anymore.
“Maybe we were wrong,” I admitted as my jaw trembled. “Maybe Wren lied about the two of you for whatever reason. But we all believed her because you have given us every reason to.” I pressed a hand firmly to my chest. “You’ve given me every reason to.”
Frustration and regret stole across his face. “I told you, it’s been ye—”
“No, I don’t care what you’ve said,” I cried out as the tears came faster than before.
“For so many years, you’ve shown me what I have and haven’t meant to you.
The amount of times I’ve been at your side while you’ve hit on other women, gotten their numbers, and ditched me for them is absurdly high.
Times I will never forget because every one of those women was my opposite in every way.
Every one of those encounters destroyed a part of me. ”
The hand that had been outstretched twitched before he curled it into a fist and forced it back to his side.
That regret burned deeper than before as he studied me, his head bobbing subtly before shaking.
“You’re right,” he conceded before reminding me, “but you made it extremely obvious from the day we met that you couldn’t stand the thought of us together.
And not just that once—you’ve done it nearly every day I’ve known you.
So, I’ve forced myself to acknowledge and accept that. Respect that.”
A scoff rushed from my strained lungs. “Wow, that must have been such a hardship for you—respecting me by losing yourself in countless other women.” My chin lifted, but I wasn’t sure if it was in a feeble attempt at standing my ground or because he was slowly but confidently closing the distance between us as I continued.
“But everything I said was because of the way you treated me and other women. Do you know—” A sound of desperation and frustration rose in my throat, choking the words as I adamantly shook my head and started for the truck. “Forget it.”
“No, we’re not doing that anymore,” he said firmly. “We’re gonna keep ending up right here if we keep dancing around feelings and omitting thoughts.”
“If we do that?” I shot back, whirling on him just before I reached the passenger door. “We’re going to keep ending up here because of what you’ve done!”
“What we’ve done,” he corrected. “Yes, I did things I shouldn’t have.
I did things I’m not proud of, and I’m sorry.
Mallory, I’m so sorry for everything—for every hurt I caused.
But you’ve pushed and pushed and pushed me away.
For crying out loud, you compared me to your brothers, which would’ve been bad enough, even if I hadn’t known you hated them.
And all the while, I had to pretend I wasn’t being destroyed by the girl I was so desperately in love with. ”
Awe and longing swept through me, along with a desperation for those words to be true. But that complicated, fickle heart of mine refused to let me acknowledge them—believe them—when all I could see at that moment was Tessa in his arms. “Don’t—”
“Mallory, I think I fell in love with you the first time you threatened me.”
My head moved in large shakes as I breathed, “You’re lying.”
“I—”
“You’re lying,” I repeated, my voice rising. “I’ve watched you.”
“And I’m sorry.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “I’m sorry there was ever one girl, let alone every other girl. I’m sorry that all those times have led you to think there were so many more. But, again, you made me think you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“Because you were just like the rest,” I snapped, my pain and longing and that clashing battle so evident in the twisting of my voice.
“Do you know how many times I’d already been hit on the exact way you hit on me that first day—and nearly every other day, for that matter?
Do you know how many of those same guys thought they were allowed to touch me because I was the only girl around? ”
Gray’s head slanted as rage exploded from him, coating me thicker than the water on my skin. “What’d you say?”