Chapter 24 #2
“I don’t understand,” she finally said, her voice soft as a breath. “You’re—” Her head shook frantically. “You’re always happy. You’ve always been joy when I needed it and even when I didn’t. How did I not know?”
“People can hide a lot with laughter and smiles, Peach,” I informed her just as quietly, forcing a breathless sob from her.
“And now?” she asked thickly before struggling to swallow. “What do you need? What can I do to help?”
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
Disbelief and fear practically bled from her as she sagged even more. “Gray—”
“I’m fine,” I assured her as I sat forward again, reaching for her and curling one of my hands around her cheek to keep those glassy eyes on me.
“I won’t tell you I don’t still struggle with depression, because I do.
But even when those days creep in, they’re nothing compared to what it was like when I was growing up. I promise you, I’m fine.”
“Then tell me how to help you on those days. Tell me what you need.”
I knew she was freaked out. I knew she wanted to help.
But there was nothing to do. “I don’t need anything,” I promised her.
“How I was before?” I lifted a shoulder before letting it fall.
“Yeah, I needed serious help and was too afraid to say anything. But now? It’s almost just like acknowledging I’m having an off day.
Thatch usually picks up on it before I do. ”
“Thatch knows?” she asked, only sounding partially offended that he’d known, and she hadn’t. Mostly, she sounded relieved.
“He figured it out long before you were placed on our team,” I confirmed. “Wouldn’t let me out of his sight on the bad days and made me tell my family when we retired.”
The smallest suggestion of offense slashed across her face before she whispered, “And why didn’t you tell me?” Her head faintly shook before she repeated her earlier question, “How did I not know?” Only this time, it seemed like she was asking herself instead of me.
I hadn’t told her—despite Thatch’s constant insistence over the years that Mallory needed to know—because I hadn’t wanted her to start treating me differently.
Besides, when you’re afraid of losing your best friend, how do you explain that meeting her shifted your entire world? For me, I clearly hadn’t.
But the corner of my mouth twitched as I thought about that day now. “Because a violent blonde showed up one day, threatening my life, and I suddenly saw the world differently.”
A strained laugh bled from her as her head fell, but I just pressed my forehead to hers again as I continued.
“I’d never considered a future past the military.
I hadn’t wanted one. For more years than I want to admit, I hadn’t seen a reason to live.
Then one look at you, and it was like a fog had been lifted from my world.
One mostly hostile conversation, and I could see a future—a life—I wanted more than anything.
” Brushing a thumb across her cheek, I added, “You didn’t know because you changed everything that day. ”
I felt the tilt of her lips before they tugged into a frown. “And what if—” Her head shifted against mine. “Gray, what if we hadn’t ended up together?”
“That isn’t—no.” Sitting back enough to search her stare when I tipped her head back, I reminded her, “We weren’t together for over eleven years.
We were separated for more than a year when you were still in the military.
That didn’t change anything for me. These last three months didn’t change anything for me,” I told her earnestly.
Keeping my stare locked on hers, I made sure she heard the honesty and depth of every word when I added, “My will to live doesn’t rest on you loving me.
My struggles with depression aren’t determined by you being with me, or being at my side, even though I’ve done everything to keep you close, because I didn’t just fall in love with you; I found my best friend in you.
“But I was rocked so completely by something as simple and remarkable as you,” I explained in the only way I knew how.
“And in that moment, I knew I would do anything to continue experiencing a life that could make me feel the way I did when you first looked at me. So, I’ve fought to.
I’ve craved every part of my life since then, even the bad, because there’s no escaping it.
” I searched her watery stare for long moments before whispering, “Truly falling in love with you was an added gift, even when I thought it wouldn’t go anywhere. ”
A few rogue tears slipped down her cheeks and over my hands. “The privilege of your life?” she asked as a shaky smile tugged at her mouth.
My brow furrowed as she took deeply buried thoughts straight from my mind.
Just as I started asking how she’d known, she said, “You told me that night.” Her head slanted in my hands.
“You said loving me from a distance had been the privilege of your life so far. Then you said, ‘Calling you my wife?’ and that’s when everything happened.
I don’t think you ever finished that thought. ”
A rumble of acknowledgment built in my throat, even as I tried searching for any hint of that night, just as I had when she’d been explaining everything earlier.
But all I remembered, still, was the moment we’d made it into the room.
“I don’t know what I’d been saying,” I finally admitted, “But nothing compares to calling you my wife.”
A soft smile tugged at the corner of her mouth before she reached for me, gripping at the front of my shirt as she studied my face.
“Please tell me if you have bad days. Tell me if—just tell me. I’m here.
I’ve always been here, even when—” She gave a helpless shrug.
“Just, please, don’t hide it from me. Don’t take yourself from me. ”
This Mallory . . .
If this was what I’d been met with in Aruba, it was no wonder I’d married her right then. Every time she surprised me this way, I wanted to get down on my knee and beg her to marry me all over again. Threat of her punching me, and all.
“Told you,” I muttered as I tugged at the part of her mouth that had been tipped up just moments before, “the world would need to tear me from you now.”