Chapter 27
W hat’s the problem?
I looked at my dad like he’d missed something so obvious during my explanation of how completely I’d messed up by letting Chloe and I confess things we should’ve left unsaid. Of how much worse I’d made it when I’d all but begged her to cross that line as I’d held her a breath away, then immediately fallen into the kiss when she had .
A kiss I wanted to relive over and over again...but I couldn’t let it happen again.
“I don’t understand either,” my mom said. “She’s darling.” My dad signed his agreement as Mom continued. “We all adore her and already thought the two of you were together anyway. Now you know she likes you, and you like her. Where’s the problem in that?”
“There’s a reason I don’t date,” I told them and gave my dad a look when he rolled his eyes, my hands’ movements becoming harsher when I added, “A good reason.”
You don’t know you’d do anything to hurt her , he said. When I started responding, he grabbed my shoulder and waited until he knew he had my attention. You don’t know.
“And take that chance?” I shot back, making a face like he’d lost his mind. “Absolutely not.”
“So, your plan is to live a lonely existence and deny yourself a great love, all because?—”
“Mom,” I muttered, letting her know she was getting way ahead of herself.
“All because,” she repeated louder than before, “you’re afraid of what you might do. So, then go to therapy and give yourself a chance.” She gestured between Dad and herself. “We’ve told you to go.”
“I went,” I ground out. “It didn’t work.”
Shock filled her eyes before a deep sadness settled there, mirroring my dad’s.
“Oh, honey . . .”
“Don’t,” I softly begged, then glanced over her shoulder to make sure my siblings were all still out of hearing distance and too focused on the game they’d been playing ever since I’d come back out here over an hour before.
Not that I’d stayed. I’d immediately gone on a walk to try and clear my head of the girl I’d left in my childhood room. To remind myself why I couldn’t want her. By the time I’d returned, I’d been chanting all the reasons like a mantra, sure I’d believe them soon enough, and had walked right into my parents’ ambush.
“But now you see why I can’t do this,” I said with a heavy sigh that showed my mantra hadn’t hit its mark just yet. “Not at all, and especially not with Chloe.”
I don’t , my dad signed slowly, sadly. I think you’ve seen traumatic things, and what you deal with because of it is real. But I think your fear of what you might do feeds it and makes it worse.
A smile crossed my face that felt like all bared teeth and pain. “You’re wrong.”
Not that I could say that with any degree of certainty because he was probably right. But again, I hadn’t believed the therapist when he’d said those same words. I hadn’t believed Briggs or Gray. And I wouldn’t believe my parents because it wouldn’t change anything.
The first time I’d had...an incident , it’d freaked me out. The worry that it might happen again had ruled my days until it finally had...and then again and again. I didn’t know how to not be afraid of it. But I knew the idea of putting anyone near me when it could happen absolutely terrified me.
The thought of it being Chloe?
It made me want to get her far from me so I’d never even inadvertently put her in that kind of danger. But even more so now, after learning the truth behind her mask—the eggshells she’d walked on with her parents ever since she was a child. The way they could so easily break around her.
I didn’t want to be another person she felt like she had to cautiously manage.
“I see the way you look at her,” Mom began, but I hurried to stop her before she could continue.
“And I told you that’s why. She’s different,” I said, repeating what I’d already told them earlier. “I’ve known she’s different. But that’s what makes this dangerous, because she wouldn’t be someone I could just walk away from if I let this continue.”
“Then don’t walk away,” she offered as if she hadn’t heard any part of this conversation.
A frustrated laugh crept from me as I rubbed at the back of my neck. “Mom?—”
Dad caught my attention and quickly signed, She’s coming .
I turned and felt every part of me react to that girl.
Heels off again. Red hair pulled over one of her shoulders and falling like a curtain down to her waist. Those curves I was quickly becoming addicted to hidden by the hoodie she was wearing— mine . And she was drowning in it.
I wasn’t sure I ever wanted her to give it back if I’d get to see her like this.
Just like that, I wondered if it’d really be so bad to let myself continue falling for her. To let myself have the relationship I’d been running from for so long.
“I was gonna check on you soon,” I told her, meeting her halfway and taking the empty water glass and full smoothie from her. Cradling both in one hand, I slid my other hand up her arm, gently pulling her closer because I’d clearly lost all control with Chloe Whitlock. “How are you?”
“Great,” she said automatically, her stare drifting around to take in the people surely watching us, given the sudden silence behind me. When she met my eyes, hers rolled as her voice dropped to a hush. “I just feel like it’s rude to be holed up in the room.”
“Not when you’re feeling the way you are,” I countered unquestionably.
“I’m better, and I can rest out here.” When I started arguing, she added, “Besides, I’d like to hang out with everyone before they leave tonight. Wait, no...” A soft blush burned in her cheeks as her gaze fell to the floor. “Sorry, that’s...presumptuous. Maybe it’s better for everyone if I’m not out here now that they know we aren’t...you know. I’ll?—”
“Chloe, stop,” I said when she started turning. Grasping her wrist before she could pull away, I brought her back to me and waited for her hazel eyes to lock on mine. “The only reason you’d need to leave is if you don’t feel up to staying out here. All right?”
She studied me for long seconds, seeming to look for some hidden meaning, before whispering, “All right,” just as the doorbell rang.
I glanced up at the sound before twisting to look at my parents. When both seemed just as surprised as I was, I asked, “You’re not expecting anything? Packages or anything?”
“No,” Mom answered with a shrug, already starting toward me. Toward the door.
“I got it,” I told her as I passed off the glasses to her, letting my tone say everything I couldn’t in that moment.
Unexpected guests weren’t something we could afford when I was hiding someone from a mafia family.
After she took the glasses, I turned back for Chloe, already reaching for her. Once I had her hand in mine, I pulled her against me. “Go with my dad. If anything happens, you stay with him or Sam. Understand?”
Her eyes widened and face paled. “Wait, what?”
“Now, Chloe,” I urged, already passing her back toward my parents as I quietly and quickly stalked toward the front of the house, thankful I’d gotten my gun back from my dad first thing this morning.
Pulling it out of the holster, I chambered a round and stepped up to the front door. But just as I started falling into the rest of my training, the familiar voice on the other side of the thick, wooden door had me going still.
“...long to open a door, and I’m already running out of things to say.” A heavy, muffled sigh sounded. “Put your gun away, Thatch. Open the door. We need to—” Rush held out his arms and let out a loud, exhausted, “There you are,” when I swung open the door.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I racked the slide on my gun and caught the unused round.
Rush gave me an unamused look. “No come on in or anything?”
I bit out a sigh and stepped back, leading the way with my gun. “Come on in,” I said sarcastically.
“Hey, thanks,” he shot back in the same tone as he picked up a duffel bag and stepped inside.
Once I’d holstered my gun and had the unused round in my pocket, I repeated, “Now, what are you doing here?”
He glanced around as he set the bag by his feet, and just because I knew him, I had a feeling he was looking for Chloe, rather than admiring my childhood home. “Did Chloe tell you Lainey texted her last night?”
“I took Chloe’s phone not long after we landed, so I saw it when I saw the texts from Vance.”
Surprised amusement stole across Rush’s face, negating his tone when he said, “You should’ve told us when you called about Vance.”
“I should’ve,” I agreed and didn’t bother searching for an excuse as to why I hadn’t. I didn’t think I was panicking over the thought of falling asleep anywhere near Chloe would suffice.
Rush nodded, accepting the short acknowledgment. “You already know Lainey’s text could give away where Chloe is if someone’s watching either of their phones, so you know Chloe needs to go somewhere else.”
My stomach dropped as realization hit me, but I still asked, “And why are you here?”
“To take her.”
I got why Rush was here, especially without warning. I did. Whenever things got tense on missions, we fell back to as little communication as possible. Something I’d known was coming when I’d informed Briggs last night that Vance had been trying to get Chloe to tell him where we’d taken her.
But even though I knew letting Chloe go with Rush would be for the best because I needed to remember my place couldn’t be with her, I didn’t want her with anyone but me.
I drew in a slow breath before releasing it. “Why can’t I take her?”
A stunned laugh fled from him. “You could. Briggs thought you might want the time away from her.”
“And you volunteered?” I countered, not letting on that I really wouldn’t. “You’re supposed to be laying a trail in New York.”
Rush’s eyebrows rose. “The trail’s set,” he said slowly, firmly. “But he said go , so I’m here. However, you seem to have something you wanna get off your chest, so do it.”
“There’s nothing.” At his disbelieving huff, I gestured to him. “You’re just here. You’re always there, volunteering with anything that has to do with Chloe.”
Understanding quickly settled over his face. “I’m gonna stop you before you continue down that path.” He placed a hand on his chest, his voice dropping low, even as the beginning of a smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. “I volunteer for my job, the same as you. I don’t volunteer for Chloe, so you can stop worrying I’m trying to step somewhere you clearly don’t want me to.”
I clenched my jaw as I swallowed back the lie that was easy to rise and the truth that I didn’t want to set free...again.
“I mean, Chloe’s great,” he continued when I didn’t say anything. “She’s really nice and easy to hang out with, and she’s...” He drew in a quick breath through his teeth. “She’s beautiful and?—”
“You done?” I ground out.
“Just waiting to see how long you’d let me go,” he said on a hushed laugh, then reached forward to shove my shoulder. “Look, in all honesty, you know all that’s true. And if...if things were different, yeah, sure, I might’ve given Chloe a second thought. But they’re not.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better about you being here.”
An uneasy sound crept from him as he dragged a hand through his hair. “Trust me, you’re fine. Just...unrequited love I don’t know how to let go of, and all that.”
My eyebrows drew close at the unexpected admission.
I’d worked with Rush for well over a decade, and in all that time, I couldn’t think of anyone he’d talked about or so much as looked at. He barely even dated, and even then, I was sure it was to get Gray and me off his back whenever we’d started getting on him and Briggs because all they ever did was work.
“Who?” I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.
Rush looked around, clearly uncomfortable.
“You don’t have to tell me, man,” I said, waving a hand in apology.
But just as I took a step backward and started inviting him deeper into the house, he admitted, “Let’s just say I’d rather still be in New York.”
I stilled as I tried wrapping my head around the equally unexpected comment. I thought of the few people he’d been in New York with and felt the surprise slowly creep across my face when I remembered how close Rush had stuck to Briggs’ sister at their brother’s funeral a few months ago.
“Peyton?” I asked softly, as if Briggs were nearby and would overhear.
A miserable sounding laugh fled from Rush in confirmation.
“Does Briggs know?”
“Not a chance,” he muttered, his stare shifting away. “I’ve known Briggs would kill me since we were all teenagers. That hasn’t changed.”
“Does she know?”
Rush’s head bobbed almost imperceptibly before his eyes snapped back to me. “Unrequited, remember? Anyway,” he went on before I could say anything else, “you don’t have to worry about Chloe with me.”
I looked over my shoulder, searching for the girl in question, and released a weighted breath when I didn’t find her. “Rush, I’m worried about Chloe and me ,” I admitted as I focused on him again. “I can’t?—”
I choked over the words, not wanting to say them, even though Rush was already more than aware of the demons I fought. The whole team was, even though it wasn’t talked about because they knew it was a hard limit for me.
But we didn’t keep secrets from each other—we couldn’t afford it. We knew and trusted each other with our lives on a higher level than even my own siblings, which is why it was so surprising Rush had kept something like being in love with Briggs’ sister from anyone, but especially Briggs. The two of them had been best friends since they were kids.
But if anyone would understand my hesitation, it was my team. “I can’t let this happen,” I finally said.
Rush’s eyes narrowed as if he was trying to figure out what I was really saying. “Has anything happened?”
I wavered for a moment. “Not much, but more than I should’ve allowed.” At the tick of his eyebrow, I told him, “She’s different, and she knows it. And I know I need to shut it down and stay far from her, but it’s like I see her and forget all reason.”
His stare shifted to the side for a while in contemplation. “Have you told her?”
“No.” The word burst from me on a horrified breath.
“Think you should.”
“What would that do?” I asked. “Other than make her think there’s something wrong with me.”
His eyes snapped back to me. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“I wake up breaching rooms in my own apartment like I’m back on a mission,” I hissed. “I wake up restraining inanimate objects like they’re targets. Tell me again there’s nothing wrong with me.”
He held my stare. “That’s a trauma response, Thatch. We all have our own. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“And when I think she’s a target?” I asked, dropping my voice even lower. “When I take her out ? What happens then?”
Rush studied me a few seconds longer before releasing a short breath as he dragged his fingers through his beard. “I can’t answer that, but?—”
“I can.”
“But,” he said again, his tone unyielding, “I think you should be having this conversation with Briggs.” When my head began shaking, he continued. “Told you, we all have our trauma responses. And there’re some things he refuses to tell anyone—and I mean anyone . But I know he told Lainey like it was therapy. I know it helped . I know he’s able to handle things he’s never been able to because of her—because of who she is to him.”
I considered that while wondering exactly how many of us were keeping secrets from each other when I hadn’t thought that was something we did before this conversation.
Still, it didn’t lessen the knot of dread whenever I thought of letting myself continue deeper into this thing with Chloe than we already were. “Unless Briggs’ stuff could kill Lainey, this isn’t the same.”
“If Chloe really is different for you, then she deserves to know.”
I didn’t respond to that. There was no point in going around and around on this.
A conversation with Chloe about how I hadn’t come back from all those overseas missions as good as I’d originally thought wasn’t going to change that I might do something irreversible and unforgiveable in my sleep.
Folding my arms over my chest, I asked, “So, where are you taking her?”
Surprise splashed across his face. “That changed fast,” he muttered. “Already said I don’t have to be the one to.”
“It shouldn’t be me,” I said decisively.
“I’m not sure you want it to be anyone but you.”
“Can’t be me,” I reluctantly amended. “Where?”
“Technically, wherever. Briggs suggested actually going to Aruba,” he said as if it was the last place he wanted to go. But I guess I could understand if he’d finally gotten an excuse to see Peyton again, only to have to leave twenty-four hours later. “Briggs, Lainey, and Kaia are headed somewhere else tonight since Lainey’s text made it clear everyone we were trying to keep safe was elsewhere.”
“All right,” I said with a forced nod.
“You don’t have to come, but now that I’m here, I have a feeling you’re gonna.”
I didn’t respond to that because I wasn’t sure what my response would be; I just asked, “When are you supposed to leave?”
He glanced at his watch. “Need to start heading back to the airport in a couple hours.”
“Let’s go tell her,” I said before I could think too much on if I’d be going with them, then gestured for him to leave the duffel where it was.
But no sooner had we left the entryway than I stopped all over again, because she was standing right there, leaning against the back of the couch. Mask on full blast as she smiled at Rush.
My stomach dropped as I thought back through all we’d said and wondered what she might’ve heard.
“Aruba for real this time?” she asked as her gaze bounced to mine, then pointed over her shoulder. “Your mom’s already starting on lunch since we’re not leaving just yet.”
“I told you to stay near my dad or Sam.”
“Technically, I did. Your dad just left with your mom.”
But she was standing right there. Within hearing distance and nowhere near where I’d left her.
As if sensing my thoughts, she explained, “Cameron’s voice is very distinct and fairly loud.” She sent a teasing grin his way that had that jealousy trying to sneak back in, even though I was fully aware this Chloe wasn’t real. “I told your family who it was. Your parents and I figured he was safe. So,” she said with an excited clap, “we’re going to Aruba?”
“ You’re going to Aruba.” The words were out before I knew I was thinking them, and I wanted to take them back the instant Chloe’s mask flickered. Just enough for me to see the sting of pain and confusion and worry.
But then it was back in place as she gave a little nod, her shoulders bouncing in feigned anticipation as she took a step toward us. “I’ll go pack then.”
Without another look my way, she hurried past us and set off down the hallway, toward my old room.
Once she was gone, Rush asked, “You gonna go fix that?” When I just stood there, torn between going after Chloe and knowing I needed to let her go, he sighed. “I have a feeling you’re gonna regret it if you don’t.”