Chapter Fifteen #2
‘I was listening to Iris telling her mother how when she saw Aiden for the first time, it was like everything she had known up until that point was thrown into doubt, her plans now chaos. Like something had been revealed, a secret world that had been waiting for her and the moment she had glimpsed it, she knew there was no going back. And I had to grip the steering wheel with all my strength and bite my lips to stop myself from yelling out that I knew exactly what she meant! Because it had happened to me too!’
‘But it can’t. It just can’t, it’s not real! How can it be?’
She had said something similar to Aiden, trying to help him understand that secret worlds and bright futures were what grew with time, they were where she and Jonathan had arrived eventually, but that whole instant love and a happy future concept?
It was just that, a concept, an idea without foundation.
And she would not give in to the novelty, not devalue what she and her husband had built by leaping at no more than a fancy for this man!
‘No, Enya. No. You’re wrong! This feeling, it’s something ! And I know you feel it too, you were receptive, you were lovely. How do we ignore it? What are we supposed to do, carry on as if it hasn’t happened?’
‘Yes, that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do.’
‘What if I can’t, what if I don’t want to, what if I think I deserve this shot at happiness, and what if you do too?’
‘No.’ Her tears felt hot on her cheeks, clogging up her nose and throat. ‘Just no! I don’t know you and what I do know, I don’t particularly like!’
‘That’s not true, I sense how you feel about me, I can see it. The way you look at me.’ He spoke softly.
The way you look at me... It was undeniable, not that it made it any more real.
‘I didn’t like the way you spoke to Trish – snapped at her in my kitchen. It was unkind.’ She spoke plainly.
‘You’re right, it was. I’ve thought about that too, a lot.
I was thrown by seeing you, completely thrown, but more than that, the moment she suggested having a drinkie , I knew where we were headed, the dancing, the conflict, the slurred words, the aggression, the antagonistic cutting comments.
Trust me, I’ve tried to help her make different choices, been trying for years.
I’m exhausted by it. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to run!’
‘It was still unkind.’ She held steady.
There was a silent pause.
‘I can’t give you all the details in this one conversation, but I would dearly like the opportunity to talk to you about it.
What I will say is that I’m so tired of not moving forward or making progress.
When you popped up in the car park that day, it was like,’ she held her breath, listening to his every word, ‘it was like fate. I had no idea that I might ever feel this, this pull .’
Enya said nothing, but her heart skipped a little in her chest; it was new and enticing and not like her at all.
She was not this person, not in the habit of feeling this way either.
Her life was set, sedate, or at least it had been, until that one day when Aiden had got on a plane and changed the course of his life, and she had met Dominic, who was suggesting he could change hers.
‘We haven’t started, Dominic,’ she said it again, ‘we are nothing, and yet already I’m sitting here, crying in the bath, how can that be the basis of anything good?’
‘It’s already good, just knowing you are out there in the world is filling my crappy life with joy! I think we have potential, at the very least we have to explore this!’ he pushed.
‘There is nothing to explore, for a million reasons, but right up there is what it would do to Aiden and Iris. I could not, would not do that to them. It’d be ghastly.’
‘I think you might have a million reasons lined up, but none of them can account for how I feel when I’m with you.’
It was as she opened her mouth to respond that she heard Aiden call out.
‘Mu-um!’ her son yelled and she jumped, sloshing the water over the side of the tub.
‘Just a minute! I’m in the bath!’ she yelled, fearful of discovery, a reminder, as if it were needed, that this was not a good situation to be in.
It felt sneaky, deceitful, and she was right, nothing good should ever feel this way.
She held the phone close to her face, whispering now, ‘I’d better. ..’
‘Yes, of course, of course.’
Without any lingering goodbye, she ended the call. And hopped out of the bath.
‘Everything okay, love?’ she called through her bedroom door, which she held ajar, doing her utmost to keep her voice steady.
‘Yes,’ her son shouted across the landing, ‘have we got any crisps?’
She almost laughed at the request, thinking how their call was ended prematurely. Which was, she decided, probably a good thing.
‘In the larder. Hidden from myself behind the breakfast cereal.’
Wrapped in her towel, her hair wet, she sat on the corner of the bed and tried to calm her flustered pulse, unsure what to make of her late-night caller and the unsatisfying way they had left things. So he had signed the lease on a flat, did that make a difference? Her phone beeped, a text.
Hope You Didn’t Drop Your Spaghetti In The Bath! I Joke. It’s Laugh Or Cry, Right?
Dominic... She had quite forgotten her lie and, not for the first time that evening, hung her head with something close to shame.
It felt akin to being on a roller coaster, thrilling and terrifying in equal measure.
Since Jonathan died, she had been waiting for her life to start, but knew no matter how strong the attraction, she could not easily jump from being Jonathan’s widow, could not find pleasure if it was to be at the expense of another woman’s happiness, and could not get involved with the man who was to be her son’s father-in-law.
It was sticky, complicated and unpredictable, none of which she needed right now, as she battled to heal the rift with Jenny and tried to advise Aiden on how best to proceed.
It was only when she looked up that she saw her husband standing by the window, facing the road, his back to her; his stance spoke of disappointment, and it was like a punch to the throat.
‘I’m sorry...’ she whispered, ‘I’m so sorry.’ But still he didn’t turn around.