Chapter Nineteen #2
‘Everyone did.’ This the truth. ‘So, how about you and Trish, how did you guys get together?’
She wanted to match his comfort in talking about their partners, almost as if in proof that they were doing nothing wrong and there was therefore no need to feel any guilt.
‘Nothing so endearing as your story. Trish’s parents were divorcing, and she got sent to stay with her aunt who ran the pub in the village where I grew up, just outside of Bath.
The pub my friends and I used to frequent, where we’d glug strong cider and put money into the jukebox to listen to The Cure.
She worked behind the bar, and she was beautiful and quite wild, which I found insanely attractive,’ the way he paused suggested it might not now be the case, ‘and when she and my mate Stu split up I offered her a shoulder to cry on and the rest is history.’
‘Poor Stu!’
‘Ha! Stu was our best man. And fret not, he is now married to Helen and has been for donkey’s years. He’s a photographer and is fat and content.’
‘You make the two sound intertwined, maybe that’s where I’m going wrong, I’m too skinny.’
‘Are you not content?’
It was what he did, pulled her words and spun them into a wider commentary that she welcomed, showing his interest, a lovely distraction, a chance to help understand herself.
‘I’m not sure. I’m aware that it’s usually a yes or no answer, but it’s never that straightforward, is it.
Never that simple. I have these... these.
..’ she hesitated, unsure why she wanted to open up to him, this stranger, with something that had dogged her for a while now, ‘these kind of attacks.’
He sat forward, his expression one of concern. ‘What kind of attacks?’
‘It was the strangest thing. A few months ago now, I was walking in the park, and I thought I might be having a heart attack. In fact, I was certain I was having a heart attack.’
She paused to think about the moment, still carrying the echo of a trembling hand and disturbed gut.
‘I’ve read about the symptoms, seen it countless times on TV and in movies, who hasn’t? A fast heart rate, sweating, dizziness, mild confusion, a hot flush rushing over my head and body that made me want to drop to the floor. I figured that had to be it: my heart. My heart!’
‘That must have been so scary.’
‘It was,’ she exhaled. ‘I began to get flustered, wasn’t sure what to do, fish my phone out of the pocket of my jeans and call an ambulance?
I thought that might expend too much energy.
Was I better off lying down and calling to the woman who had only just walked past, we’d had the briefest chat.
I thought I might call her back and gesture that I was having a heart attack.
I figured she’d know what to do. Not that she’s a friend, but I know of her, she’s local.
Well, I was darned if I could remember her name.
I knew it began with M and I went through them all!
’ she tittered, ‘Marion? Margery? Mary... Nothing. It was bizarre, there I was about to possibly spend my last minutes on God’s green earth and instead of my life flashing before my eyes or whispering something meaningful and life-affirming, I was entirely preoccupied with trying to remember the name of Michelle Johnson-Hughes and worrying, if you can believe it, about what Aiden would eat in the event of my demise. ’
‘You remembered her name eventually.’ He smiled.
‘Yes, thank goodness. It was as I thought about it that I realised my pulse had slowed and I wasn’t feeling so faint. Then I wondered about what I might actually say to her, I’m dying... Help me... Please tell my son there’s lasagne in the fridge that wants using up...’
She liked the way he laughed, liked feeling funny. It was the very opposite of being boring, she always thought, if you could make someone laugh like that.
‘I of course survived and am now at liberty to enjoy the many other panic attacks that seem to strike at the most inopportune of moments. I sat on one of the little wooden benches that line the path and stared at the lake, taking a moment to breathe.’ She took a deep, slow breath.
‘And it went away?’
‘It calmed, yes.’
‘That was a relief.’ He sipped his wine.
‘I was equally as relieved I hadn’t called Michelle over and informed her of my imminent departure.
Not only would I have had to backtrack, no doubt sounding like a mad thing, but she’s hardly discreet.
News of my funny turn would be all over the postcode by now.
It scared me, that’s the truth.’ She bit her bottom lip.
‘That was the first one, the first panic attack,’ she widened her eyes and shifted in her chair, ‘and it’s absurd because I’m not that kind of person.
Yet I’m pretty sure that’s what they are. ’
It felt glorious and exposing all at once to have told someone, anyone.
She had kept it from Jenny and Angela, not wanting them to worry about her any more than they already did, and she certainly didn’t want to burden Aiden with them.
There was also the unspoken belief that for her it meant anxiety, fear, a lack of control, the very opposite of the woman and character she did her best to portray.
The fact she had chosen to tell Dominic wasn’t lost on her.
This sharing of a secret bound them closer.
‘I wonder what caused it?’ he asked softly.
Taking a moment, she stared out of the window towards the garden where the peach light of dusk made everything it touched beautiful.
‘I don’t know. We’d stopped on the path briefly, Michelle and I, chatting about nothing much in particular, as I say; we’re not friends and she was talking about her husband who’d gone on a golfing weekend and her kids who were bringing friends home from school and I felt this.
.. this... fear rising inside me . ’
She cursed the thickening of her throat and the tears that pricked the back of her eyes.
‘Her words made me,’ she sniffed, ‘made me ask myself, who am I now? Who am I if I’m not mothering Aiden and looking after his schedule and running him to school or picking him up or washing his clothes or a million other things that I liked doing, actually.
I liked the connection, the way he needed me.
’ She swallowed, aware of delving into her inner monologue and sharing it with this man.
‘And without Jonathan, not a wife anymore, just... me on my own. And my job is ending soon, I had a plan, but...’ She didn’t want to go into the detail of her and Jenny’s split, knowing she’d cry, and she didn’t want that.
‘I guess I don’t know how to be much of the time and that’s terrifying. ’
‘I think you are so much more than a wife and mother. I think you’re a wonderful woman who could set the world alight if she so chose. A woman who has the strength to grab any life she wants.’
Enya laughed softly, because it was cheesy, because it was embarrassing how much she was flattered by it and because it came from the mouth of this beautiful man who didn’t really know her at all.
‘I’m not sure about that.’ She sighed.
‘So, have these attacks happened since?’
She nodded. ‘Often at night. I wake and I’m mid-panic – ridiculous, isn’t it, safe in my bed while I feel like the world is ending.’
‘It’s not ridiculous. Not at all. I have insomnia and it’s pretty much for similar reasons. A fear of what comes next. I guess that’s why I asked if you were content?’
They verbally circled back.
‘I suppose if I’m not content then it would be reasonable to assume that I know what I need in order to be so, what the missing thing is that would put a halt to my restlessness.’
‘But you don’t?’ He held her eyeline, curious, interested, and it was nice.
‘I don’t. Not really, not without winding back the clock. And I guess in answer to your question, I’m content enough. ’
‘And that’s all anyone can really ask for, to be content enough.’
‘Ha! I hear your tone, Mr Sutherland.’
‘Well, it’s true! Why do we settle for mediocrity?
It’s as if we don’t fully comprehend that this is our one life, not a rehearsal.
And that’s pretty much what I’ve come to tell you.
I’m aware I’ve already had more than my five minutes.
’ He looked up, as if expecting her to end the conversation; she didn’t, lost to the moment and enjoying his company.
Moments like this were rare, however. These little pockets of loveliness when she got to feel.
.. got to feel. ‘I’ve been thinking about what you said about us being a non-starter, and I happen to think it was a moment when the stars aligned and the universe delivered what we both wanted, what we needed.
Things like this don’t happen to me, I can assure you.
It’s like... It’s like you’ve put a spell on me.
But in all honesty, it’s not a spell I want to break.
I like feeling this way, Enya. And on the day I got the flat, I was already feeling the most overwhelming sense of possibility and then you came along.
’ She liked it when he said her name, liked to hear the sound and see the shape of the word on his lips.
‘I feel changed by no more than the prospect of spending time, even a stolen second or two with you. I can’t remember what I used to think about before my head was full of you! ’
She stared at him; this was uncharted territory, flattering and unnerving in equal measure.
‘You don’t know me. And I don’t know you, not really.’ Her words in contrast to the sweet nectar of delight that flowed through her veins. She understood how being this open came with consequences, letting the genie out of the bottle. It was a prospect as wonderful as it was frightening.
‘Yet it’s how I feel.’ His gaze was unwavering across the table. ‘How mad is that?’