Chapter Thirty-One #2
‘I’m glad you can’t imagine because I feel like I’m falling.
I’ve felt like I’m falling since the day he came back from Rome and told me that he’d changed his mind.
’ Holly looked directly at her now. ‘How can you just change your mind, how does that happen after all that time? We built a life together, we had a home, a future, and then in the blink of an eye it was gone, all of it. And I remember as he was speaking I had to hold on to the arms of the chair to stop myself from falling through it and falling through the floor and the ceiling of the flat below and their floor, down and down through the foundations into the earth. I thought I might fall forever so I sat very still, and I didn’t say anything at all, not at first. I couldn’t.
And by the time I found my voice, and knew what I wanted to say, the questions I wanted to ask, he’d been gone for hours.
I’d watched him pack a little bag and walk out the front door, and even though I knew it was the last time he was going to do that, I couldn’t believe it.
It didn’t seem real. I still don’t believe it, even though I know it’s happening, even though I know it’s happened, and I know.
..’ she stuttered, ‘I know that today he properly stops being mine. He becomes hers in a way that he was never mine. Legally, and in the eyes of God if you believe in that, he is hers. Her husband and she’ll.
.. she’ll be his wife and I’ll... I’ll just be Holly, his ex, someone he used to know. ’
‘You will never just be someone he used to know, not to him and not to me either.’ Enya took the girl’s hand into her own, understanding what it felt like to see your role, your purpose, so changed; it could leave you on the point of panic.
‘You will always be our Holly Hudson and you will be the mother of my grandchild.’
Holly lowered her gaze and cried silently, her tears sparse, as if she had cried them all away.
‘I want you to remember what Angela said, about how you will rise stronger from the ashes of this hurt. It’s important, Holly, to tell yourself that what isn’t meant for you passes you by.
You’ll look back at this terrible time of hurt and you won’t forget it, never that, but you will be able to look at it objectively.
I promise you that. You’ll come to realise that you only want to be with someone for whom you are their number one.
That’s what you deserve, what we all deserve. ’
Knowing she too deserved to be someone’s number one, not the name in the phone that was called secretly while his wife was elsewhere, not snatched chats in the bath, but someone for whom you were a priority, who you made a supreme effort to be with openly, and not someone whose life was inextricably and complicatedly linked to your child’s.
‘I understand what you’re saying, but today you’ll watch Iris walk up the aisle, maybe, and she’ll come to rest at the point where Aiden is waiting for her and he’ll take her hand, not mine.
They’ll exchange vows, and you’ll feel happy and glad because he’s your son and you love him, and he loves you. I know how much.’
These words a precious gift that Enya would hold tightly.
‘Then later, you’ll hold Iris in your arms, even if only briefly, probably give her a kiss, tell her congratulations, and how beautiful she looks, and I’m sure she will.
And even just imagining that, it’s like another knife in my chest. I doubt there’s much more room, to be honest. I look down and I see handles of daggers all over me, I feel their cuts, I feel the throb of the wounds where they have pierced my skin and stay lodged in my flesh, every word he spoke to me, every lie he told me, every promise he made, all of it plays like a movie in my head.
And today is a big step towards erasing me.
How can it not be? He will have a wife. You will have a daughter-in-law, and both of these roles have been mine for the longest time, within reach, almost.’
Enya found the girl’s words profoundly moving, understanding that feeling of wounds in her chest from which all her sadness might seep, knowing that it was possible to heal, to start to take control, to hold the tiller and not to feel quite so petrified about the life that lay ahead, albeit a different life to the one you might have envisaged.
‘I don’t think Aiden lied to you, Holly. And a lot of what you say is true, but even when Iris is part of my family, it won’t erase the fact that you are too and will always be.’
Just like I will always be linked to Jonathan, always be Aiden’s mum, no matter what.
‘Oh, but he did lie to me. He told me we were forever, he told me we had a future, he told me he couldn’t live without me, couldn’t imagine a life without me, but that wasn’t true. I was just a placeholder until Iris came along.’ The young woman raised her voice, as her hurt seeped from her.
‘I am sure he meant every word when he said it, but that’s life.
That’s how it works. We can only say how we feel and express what we want in that moment, but none of us knows what is around the corner, and sometimes things or people that we think are meant for us really aren’t, not forever!
I stood and made vows to Jonathan and never thought much about the till death us do part bit. Never thought he’d leave me.’
It was her truth and with it came a new level of clarity, understanding that death had parted them and that meant she was now allowed to feel again, to love again.
.. should the right person come along. Someone like Dominic, knowing that what they shared was indeed a beautiful, bright thing, but no matter how strong the connection, it was impossible to pursue without causing ripples that had the power to damage, or at the very least confuse the lives of their children.
Enya smiled at the young woman with her whole life stretched in front of her.
‘You’re having his baby, Holly. You will always be the mother of his child, the mother of my grandchild, and I’ve loved you for a very long time, as did Jonathan.’
At this, Holly seemed to calm and take a deep breath. ‘It’s going to be a very strange family. I can’t imagine him leaving his wife to come and see his baby. I can’t imagine me taking the baby to where he and his wife live. I can’t imagine any of it.’
While Enya was aware of Holly’s needs on this difficult day, she needed to get ready. Being late was not an option.
‘You’ve done an amazing job, my love. Thank you.’
She admired Holly’s work as she applied the newly bought mascara to her lashes, liking the way they perked up and lengthened at no more than a touch of this magic wand.
Her brows looked on point. She understood the appeal of make-up, yet rarely bothered, quite unable to find the motivation to put it on every day.
This day, however, was a special one, and as the mother of the groom, she wanted to look her best, partly so that in years to come she could look back at any photographs of the big day without a shiver of shame, and partly, not that she’d admit it, because she was going to see Dominic.
‘My advice, Holly, would be don’t try and imagine it.
Don’t think about it. Just wake up every day and go through the motions until you’re not having to go through the motions anymore, until you’re actually living your life.
’ This advice came easily because it was what she had done every day since her husband had died and now understood that it went on, all of it.
The wheels kept turning and it was up to her to find those pockets of joy where she could.
‘You’re young, you’re wonderful and you’re going to be a great mum.
You will have a great life. A baby, Holly!
’ She allowed herself to picture the little bundle and felt the spark of excitement fire through her.
‘You sound very certain.’ Holly smiled at her.
‘I am, because I know you, and I know Aiden, and no matter what mistakes have been made or how you have ended up where you’ve ended up, I know in the heart of both of you lies kindness and from that kindness everything else will grow. Trust me.’
‘I do trust you, Enya.’ Holly stood, as if she too were conscious of the time. ‘I’d better let you get ready.’
‘Don’t forget to tell Jenny, thank you for the flowers.’
Holly nodded, and left quietly, and Enya hoped that what she had said was true, that from kindness, everything else would grow...