Chapter 19
“This was nice,” Everett said, leaning back and stretching his arms toward the sky.
Remi tried not to react to his response.
The fact that he’d remembered the dish alone was enough to send her floating into the clouds.
He’d even noticed the subtle changes she’d made and praised her for enhancing her culinary skills over the years.
But what struck her was how easily they’d fallen back into the old patterns of comfort with each other.
Like they’d never stopped being a couple.
“Yeah. This is the last normal dinner we’ll have before we have to flee.
” She exhaled loudly, then pushed her plate aside.
“Is that where you were all day today?” She didn’t want to nag, but she’d missed him.
She felt safer when he was with her, especially not knowing if the cops suspected the truth of how Bobby died.
“Setting things up for us to leave the island?”
“About that …” His expression turned serious.
Remi’s heart thudded in her chest. He’d changed his mind about it. Maybe he wanted her to turn herself in now. Or maybe he would help her leave, but not go with her anymore. Her mind raced through every horrible scenario at lightning speed.
“If we do this, you’re going to be stuck with me. Before you decide if you can handle that, maybe we should talk about a few of the elephants in the room.” He leaned forward, his gray eyes intense as he stared at her.
She swallowed hard. This wasn’t what she expected.
It was worse.
But she and Everett had always had the kind of relationship where they talked openly and honestly about everything. Even the hard stuff. At least they did until …
“Jamaica.” The word came out quietly. The gorgeous island full of amazing people had come to represent something heinous in both their lives. All because of one of the powerful cartels operating there.
“All these years, I never knew what happened to you in that safe house. I knew the kind of things they did to people and made assumptions in my head. Bad things you might’ve endured.”
“But it was nothing compared to what you saw earlier, was it?” Remi said, her voice low and tinged with a sadness she couldn’t hide.
“No.” His hand flexed, like he wanted to reach for her but thought better of it. “I wish you’d told me back then. But I know why you didn’t. I know how angry you were at me. When you say that what happened to you wasn’t my fault, I know that’s not true.”
Remi looked away. How could she tell him that Bobby had pushed over the first domino that destroyed their lives in Jamaica?
That he’d wanted Everett to get killed, and that’s why he blew Everett’s cover.
If he hadn’t been jealous and hateful, Everett would’ve finished that assignment and come home safe.
To her. To their child. How could she tell him that just like he’d avenged her, she’d avenged him in the same way?
“First, let’s get this clear. I was never angry at you, Everett.
I was frustrated and confused because all the guys kept telling me you were safe, but you couldn’t come home.
You weren’t there when I needed you the most. I had to go through all of the pain, the grief, the surgeries, the recovery with?—”
“Bobby.” He said the name like it was something vile in his mouth. “He was there for you when I wasn’t.”
“Yes. He was.”
“I tried, Remington. I was doing everything I could to get back to you. But they were after me. Ike was trying to erase every connection that existed between my undercover identity that the Jamaican cartel knew and Special Agent Everett Gilliam.” He dragged his hands down his face.
“Not a single day passed that I wasn’t focused on coming home to you.
It kept me going. But I wasn’t going to bring danger to you again.
I couldn’t be selfish or reckless like that. ”
“I know that now.”
“It damn near killed me to come home and realize it was too late for us. The damage was done. Bobby had slithered into the place in your life that used to be mine.” Everett dragged a hand down his face.
“He’d won your trust, your heart, your love.
” He looked away, jaw tight. “All that was left was the one thing that only I could do for you. I understood why it had to be me to make them pay for what they did to you and our baby. But I swear, Remington. I didn’t know what they fucking did to you. If I’d known?—”
“You didn’t know because I didn’t want you to,” Remi admitted. “I didn’t want anyone to know. I kept all those horrible details to myself. Bobby only knew because he was the one who found me.”
Anger stirred within her, hot and unsteady.
Bobby had only found her because he had set everything in motion.
He’d told the Jamaican cartel where the safe house was, thinking they’d find Everett there and kill him.
Instead, they’d found her. She had been so stupid to mistake guilt for devotion. So stupid to mistake penance for love.
“I hope you know that I wanted to do so much more for you. I wanted to be there for all of it. To comfort you and grieve with you. I hate that I couldn’t. But it wasn’t about what I wanted or needed. I had to do what was best for you.”
“Even though doing what was best for me almost destroyed you.”
“I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“I would,” Remi said, dabbing at a tear. “When you came to see me at the Rakestraw Blake Center, I wish I’d pushed past my anger at the world and told you everything. Let you stay with me and help me survive everything I lost. Our baby. My body. But I was too heartbroken.”
“I know.”
“Weeks later, when you showed up with the newspaper article, I had planned to tell you the truth about what happened to me. Things had changed between us, but it didn’t mean we couldn’t lean on each other and help each other through it.”
He scoffed. “But it was too late.”
“The look in your eyes, Everett. I could see how my request had changed you. I knew I had no right to ask any more of you. So, I didn’t.”
“Were you already in love with Bobby then?”
Now was not the time to tell him that she’d never fallen in love with Bobby. She had loved him the way she always had, as a close, dear friend. At least, she had loved the man she thought he was.
“After you left the islands, I didn’t think you’d ever come back. Bobby was here, familiar, safe, and comforting. It was nice to not be alone, especially considering how hideous and disgusting and horrible I look now?—”
“Hideous? Disgusting?” Everett leaned over the table. “Remington, those words do not and could not ever describe you. You are still the most stunningly beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
“I’m talking about my … body … Everett.” He was the only person she could be this honest with. “It was a small favor that all the damage could be easily hidden under clothes. Swimsuits are an entirely different thing. I haven’t worn one of those since.”
He looked perplexed and unconvinced.
“Your body is as sexy as it was the first time I saw you when we were sixteen. That hasn’t changed.”
“The scars, though. I can barely look at them. It changed things for me. Stopped me from feeling … things.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Things?”
“Never mind. Forget I said anything.” She reached for the empty plates and stood.
Everett grabbed her arm, sliding his hand down gently until her hand rested in his.
“What can’t you feel?” he asked, the concern in his voice tearing at her heart.
“It’s nothing life-threatening or anything. It’s not worth talking about.”
“Tell me anyway.” He reached for the plates, easing them from her hands, and placed them back on the table.
“I don’t get turned on anymore.” She held his gaze for a long moment. “My body doesn’t function in that way anymore. I can’t feel aroused.”
“You … can’t?” He licked his lips slowly, triggering a slight flutter of desire.
Her body made her an instant liar.
“So, when I kissed you yesterday, you felt … nothing?” It was less of a question and more of a challenge.
“Not exactly nothing. But nowhere near what a kiss from you would’ve made me feel in the past.” She exhaled a nervous giggle.
“I don’t know how we got to talking about this.
” She pulled her hands from his, grabbed the plates, and walked as fast as she could to the sink.
Her hands trembled as she turned the faucet and rinsed each plate.
She heard his footsteps across the polished wood planks of the deck, coming closer to her. He stopped within inches of her. Close enough to feel his breath on her neck. But he didn’t touch her. Not yet.
“And Bobby couldn’t get you to …”
“I never felt anything with Bobby.” The words rushed out as she spun around.
She needed him to know that she’d never shared a sexual connection with Bobby like she had with him.
Ever. It was too much to admit that she and Bobby had never had sex.
The one time she’d tried, on their wedding night, he’d lost his erection when he saw her scarred body.
He’d insisted he didn’t want to push her, but she knew he didn’t find her attractive.
On the honeymoon, they’d tried a few more times, with the room bathed in pitch darkness, but she couldn’t feel a hint of desire.
They’d both silently decided that trying more wasn’t worth it. She was relieved.
“Remington …” he said her name like it hurt him to know she’d been in a sexual drought for her entire marriage. “Is this all because of the scars?”
She was pleased he didn’t say “your scars.” She didn’t want them. Didn’t want to feel like she owned them.
“I don’t know. Maybe it was a combination of everything. But the scars don’t help. They are so ugly.” She covered her face with her hands.
Everett pulled her hands away. “You know what those scars are?”
An exasperated sigh slipped through her lips, but he wasn’t deterred.
“They are proof of your amazing resilience. Evidence of your mental and physical strength. Your body reconstructed itself in the best way it could to make you whole after you almost died. Because you are a survivor, Remington Spade. Always have been. Always will be. And those scars are as beautiful as you are. Inside and out.”
Everett pressed a hand on her waist, his thumb caressing the mottled skin through the fabric of her shirt. She closed her eyes and inhaled his seductive scent. Her body awakened more and more with every touch from him.
“Is this the part you hate?”
She looked away.
He bent his head, forcing her to look at him. To not hide from what he was asking her, from the help he was trying to give her.
But it was pointless.
Feeling glimpses of desire with Everett was a far cry from being able to have an orgasm. She didn’t think she could survive the humiliation of not connecting with him like they had in the past.
“What are you doing?” She was seconds from pushing him away.
His response was instant.
“Proving you wrong,” he said, igniting sparks through places she’d long thought were dead. “About everything … ”