Chapter 57
57
HOPE
So far, this week’s been a blur of bringing Rex home from the vet, caring for him, changing dressings, and visiting my doctor with Ben in tow to confirm my pregnancy. I’m exhausted, and it’s only Wednesday, but within the busyness, there’s been one thing playing on my mind—and I need to talk with Evan about it.
The back door opens and Evan drops into the back seat. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, big guy. How was your day?” I ask, peering over my shoulder.
He shrugs. “Okay. I just want to go to Ben’s and hang out with Rex, so it felt like it took forever.”
“Same. But there’s something I want to talk with you about. Do you mind if we stop off for milkshakes first?” I turn toward the front and put my foot on the gas, pulling away from the sidewalk.
I watch him narrow his eyes at me in my rearview mirror. “Can’t we just talk on the way? I really want to see Rex.”
I scrunch up my nose. “It’s important, Ev.”
“Okay, I guess.” He blows out a frustrated breath.
“Thanks.”
I find a parking spot not too far from our favorite diner, and we walk along the pier, enjoying a brief appearance from the sun.
When we arrive, I place our order with butterflies in my stomach that are making me feel a little off-balance. As I carry our food to the table Evan secured, I think about what I want to say and how I should say it.
I slide the tray to the middle of the table and slip into the seat opposite my son, who’s eyeing me with suspicion. He grabs a fry and shoves it in his mouth, then sucks on the straw in his milkshake and I watch him, marveling at how fast he’s growing up.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” he asks, then pushes another fry into his mouth, like he’s in a hurry to finish his food so we can leave.
I fidget with the napkin in front of me, then trace the condensation forming on the outside of my shake. “Uhm … well. You know it’s Ben’s birthday tomorrow, and I’d like us to do something special for him.”
Evan’s eyes light up, and he grins. “Oh yeah. Good idea.” He leans forward. “What are we gonna do?”
I drop my eyes to the tabletop, sorting my words in my head so they make sense. I suck in a deep breath and blow it out slowly. “Well. You know how I’m pregnant, right?” He nods. “And you know … Ben considers us a family now.” He nods again. “So, I was thinking … you know”—I widen my eyes and swallow my nerves—“families live together in one house.”
He nods again. “Yeah,” he says slowly.
I blink and take another deep breath. “I was thinking we could move in with Ben and Rex. We could tell him as his birthday present.” Evan just stares at me, making my stomach twist. “What do you think?”
Without taking his eyes from me, he grabs another fry and jams it in his mouth, then takes another drink of his shake. It feels as though hours tick by, but I know it’s only been seconds, maybe a minute or two.
I steal a fry and pop it in my mouth to prevent the verbal diarrhea that’s burning its way up my throat. I need to give him time to sit with the idea. I’ve been thinking about it since I discovered I was pregnant, and if I’m being completely honest, before that, even.
“I like Ben’s house. It’s close to the beach, and my bedroom’s bigger there.” He chews on a couple more fries and washes them down. His initial response gives me hope he’ll agree with the idea. “Do you think he’ll want us to live with him?”
To me, that’s a no-brainer. I raise my eyebrows. “What do you think?”
“I think he’d want us with him. He really loves us.” I’m so glad Evan can see how much Ben cares for the both of us. “We’re more important to him than being a cop.”
I nod. “We are.”
He’s quiet again for several moments, and I’m unsure what he’s thinking. Then his eyebrows drop over his eyes, and he steals my breath. He looks just like Wyatt did when he was making an important decision. “But will we be leaving Dad behind if we move out of our house?”
His words wrap around my heart like a fist, squeezing tightly. I never want to leave Wyatt behind, and Ben understands that. Wyatt is incredibly important to both Evan and me. But I’ve thought about this, and I don’t think it’s fair to ask Ben to move into our house with Wyatt’s ghost. I also want a fresh start with Ben without the shadows of our life from before surrounding us.
I swallow past the tears that desperately want to flow and move to Evan’s side of the booth, wrapping my arm around his shoulder. Like this, we’re eye to eye. I squeeze his arm and study his face, especially his warm brown eyes, which are so much like his dad’s.
When did he grow up?
I suck in a deep breath for courage and place my hand over his heart. “You know, no matter where we are, your dad will always be in here.” I move my hand to his head. “And here. I know I wasn’t able to talk about him with you for a long time, but I promise I won’t let you forget.”
He’s quiet again, and I can almost see the cogs turning in his head. “But that’s where Dad taught me to ride my bike and where he used to measure how much I’d grown on my bedroom doorframe. And Shane built you those bookshelves.”
It’s my turn to be quiet with my thoughts. Am I being selfish? Maybe I should put my wish for a fresh start aside and ask Ben to move in with us? Would he want to leave behind the home gifted to him by Tahlia’s mom? It’s special to him.
“But then … Ben’s house is close to the beach, and I like that. It means I could surf on the weekends like Dad used to, and you wouldn’t have to drive me or find parking. And maybe it wouldn’t be fair to expect Rex to move house when he loves running along the beach every day.” He chews on another fry thoughtfully and narrows his eyes. “Do you think we could take my doorframe with us?” He shrugs. “Cuz that’s really special to me.” My lungs constrict, making it difficult to take a breath as he sucks his shake through his straw. “And do you think Ben would let us put up photos of Dad?”
This kid is trying to kill me, I’m certain of it.
“I can ask Shane how hard it would be to switch out the timber of the doorframe. I don’t think we’d need the entire frame, just the part that has your measurements on it in Dad’s writing.”
He nods. “Yeah, that’d work.”
I grin. “And we have that video on the laptop of you learning to ride your bike with Dad, which you can watch any time you like.” I smooth my hand over the top of his hair. “I also think Ben would encourage us to have photos of Dad on display. I really don’t think that’s something we need to worry about.”
His shoulders drop from around his ears and he grins at me. “I have an idea.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, yeah?”
“I think we should pack some of our things and turn up at his house with our bags and a birthday cake. Maybe balloons or something. Oh, and party hats.” His voice rises with excitement, and I can’t stop my lips from spreading wide.
“I love that idea. I think it’s the perfect way to wish Ben happy birthday.”
As we leave the diner, Evan bumps his shoulder into me. “You know what this means?” he asks, excitement brightening his face.
I widen my eyes. “What does what mean?”
“When we move in with Ben, it means I’ll finally have a dog!” he almost shouts, his eyes alight with pure happiness. My heart expands at his joy.
I chuckle and muss his hair. Wrapping my arm around his neck, I pull him close and kiss the top of his head. “I guess it does.”
“Finally!” he sighs.