Chapter 29 Better
Better
Family dinner night the following week was worse. Everything else in my life was perfect, but my brother’s attitude wore me down to the point I bowed out of dinner the following week.
For those two weeks we lived in our own idyllic bubble. I knew it couldn’t last; I couldn’t avoid everybody forever. But I resented the shit out of Hawkley’s hostility marring what was otherwise a beautiful love story.
I was in love.
Perfectly, beautifully, wholly, completely in love.
And it only scared me a little bit.
Even his secret dimmed to insignificance in light of the joy he brought me. For the first time in my life, I felt beautiful.
And chosen.
Chosen by someone who made me nothing but happy.
Still, at some point every day, that secret crossed my mind. The time was coming when we’d have to deal with it, and I hoped against hope I would consider it as much a non-issue as he did.
In my darker moments, I worried it might have the power to break us, that Hawkley was right, and I was foolishly naive. But those were few.
And I took comfort in the fact Max had no qualms.
Lying next to him in my bed, I realized we always stayed at my place. “I can come to your place tomorrow night if you’re sick of being here,” I offered.
His eyebrows rose, and he pulled me closer in the bed. “Your place is much more comfortable.”
“Aw, so the man who’s not into material things is succumbing to the temptation of comfortable furniture?”
He shrugged, his mouth twisting to the side. “You know, I never really saw the point in it all. It’s all transient. It doesn’t last, and in the end, it’s not important.”
“This is true,” I agreed, “but I can’t say I don’t love my place.”
“It’s you,” he stated. “It’s a physical manifestation of you. I love being here, surrounded by you. In your case, I can see the benefit of the exception.” He paused. “I did tell you it’s one of my faults.”
“What is?”
“My simple lifestyle. I don’t see the point in amassing great amounts of wealth or pouring all my energy into maintaining an impressive stack of bricks.”
I drew circles on his naked chest with the tips of my fingers. “I don’t know if that’s a fault.”
“It’s been deemed a huge fault in the past.”
I stilled. “Past girlfriends?”
“Mhm. They think the kindergarten bit is cute but after a while every single one of them began to drop hints that they’d like me to pursue a job that would put my Master’s degree to work.”
“You have a Master’s degree?”
“In Mathematics. I could be making bank but the idea of sitting in an office crunching numbers made me want to take a long walk off a short pier.”
“How did you end up being a kindergarten teacher?”
“I went to talk to a career coach, and they asked me a question: When was the last time you felt truly happy?”
“And when was it?”
“I took a co-op course in grade 12. Career testing identified me as a good candidate for teaching. With my math grades, my teachers encouraged me to look at teaching high school. But the only placement they could find for me was in a kindergarten classroom. I was ready to decline when my mom suggested I try it. She said I was far too serious, and it might be fun for me.”
“Was she right?”
“I loved it. I thought about becoming a kindergarten teacher a lot through university, but the lure of a big salary was hard to deny. In the end, I couldn’t face it and had to go back to school for another year for teacher’s college. I’m a seriously overqualified kindergarten teacher.”
I flattened my palm over his chest and rubbed a soothing circle. “I’m good with the kindergarten gig.”
His gaze warmed me. A hint of passion infused his tone.
“I’ve seen kids, seen what school does to them when they struggle.
I know how important a positive start is.
That’s what I give them. I lay the foundation for the next year and every other teacher that follows me does the same for the teacher that comes after them. And I get so much more back.
“I want kids of my own some day, and I want to be around to spend time with them, not working twelve-hour days. I want time with my wife. I want to travel. First with my wife and later with our kids.”
I listened intently, his words sinking through the cracks of my shattered glass heart.
“My mom made good money running an at-home daycare. I was comfortable around small kids. My mom could have gotten a job working outside the home. She took so many courses, always learning, but she wanted to be there for me when I got home from school.”
He sighed. “I am a simple man. My needs are few. I work hard. I love hard. I want to sit in my backyard at the end of the day with my wife in my lap, a beer in my hand, and my kids playing in the yard, knowing I made a difference in some kid’s life that day at work.”
I ran my hand over his abs to rest over his heart. “How do you feel about getting a dog?”
He nuzzled his nose into my hair. “I’ve always had cats, but I could make that concession for you.”
“Yeah?” I teased. “You’d do that for me?”
Holding me tight, he confessed, “I’m not sure there’s anything I wouldn’t do for you.”
I nestled into his chest with a deep, satisfied sigh. “Just so you know, I’m good with the kindergarten gig.”
After that, Daire stayed at my place every night. We spent those two weekends exploring Mistlevale, going to the farmer’s market, and hiking Wildflower Bluffs.
We picked up hot chocolate from The Beanery and walked to the beach. With the weather changing, we needed the heat in those cups.
Those two weeks showed me how our life could be. How it would be.
Breakfast at Susie Q’s on Sundays was my new favorite. It didn’t even bother me that people might question what I ordered after the first time we went.
“Well, well, well,” Susie crowed. “Would you look at what the cat dragged in! Harley Bennett, I haven’t seen that cute little tushy in one of my seats in far too long. Come give Susie a big hug.”
I stood and embraced her, hoping against hope her big voice didn’t call the rest of the diner’s attention to the aforementioned tushy.
By the time I sat back down, she had her hip cocked out as she stared down at Daire belligerently.
“I see you’ve traded me in for a younger woman! I see you every couple of days all summer and now you’re all about this sweet thing, is that it?”
He winked at her non-repentantly while I turned the color of the fire hydrant outside.
“You got it exactly right, Susie,” he agreed.
“Well, good on you.” She swiveled to look at me and her face softened. “Can’t get any better than Miss Harley Bennett.”
I blushed further. Susie’s niece was one of the first women who benefitted from Safe at Home, our underground women’s shelter. I swore I saw it reflected in her eyes every time she looked at me.
Susie’s sharp gaze found Daire’s again. “That going to change anytime soon?”
Is what going to change anytime soon?
Did she just ask if he was going to leave me?
“Don’t jinx me, Susie. I’d marry her tomorrow, but I don’t think she’d go for it. I have to ease her into the idea.”
My eyes bugged out. She meant my last name. Was my last name going to change anytime soon!
“Oh. My. Gosh. Susie!” I cried, slapping my palms over my cheeks.
She winked at me. “You’re right. Put him through his paces. Make him work for it. You deserve it.”
The heat in my face had reached a temperature that could fry an egg.
By the grace of God, she finally pulled out her notebook. “What’ll you have?”
I ordered my public breakfast by rote. “Egg white veggie omelet, no cheese. No toast. Side of fruit salad.”
Daire opened his menu again. “Susie, bring her toast. I’ll eat it. White please. And I’ll have the big breakfast with three eggs, bacon, sausage, home fries, and rye toast.” He snapped the menu shut. “And a chocolate chip waffle, whip cream on the side.”
“That’s my boy.” Susie nodded approvingly. “I’ll get you fed right and keep you coming back.”
I sat with my mouth hanging open. “You’re going to eat all that?”
He shook his head. “You’re going to have a proper breakfast, Harley. One you will enjoy.”
“I’ll enjoy mine,” I protested.
He grinned. “Not half as much as you’re going to enjoy mine.”
“I’m not going to eat your breakfast, Daire,” I replied irritably.
“The waffle is for you. With your fresh fruit and whipped cream? You’ll love it.”
Inside I waged a war between my fear of fat-shaming and my own better judgment.
“Harley.”
My eyes snapped up to his.
He picked my hand up off the table and brought it to his mouth.
I melted.
If I was good enough for him, I was good enough for anybody.
Even me.
“Better,” he grumbled.
That waffle became my go-to order for breakfast.
I’d spoken to his mom and John on Facetime several times and I learned from whom Daire inherited his innate kindness.
His nurturing heart.
“I wish I could have met your dad,” I mused one night. Cuddled naked into his side, my head on his chest, his long arm curved around my shoulders, my heart, neither stone nor glass, beat contentedly. I traced circles over his chest. “What was he like?”
“Fun,” he replied immediately. “He made everything fun.” He was quiet, his hands stroking my hair back from my face lazily.
“What was his name?”
“Same as mine. Cameron.”
“Uh, I thought your name was Daire.”
“Daire is my middle name. Mom wanted to name me after Dad. He wanted me to have my own name. They compromised by making Cameron my first name but using my middle name.”
“Cameron,” I repeated then sighed. “It’s hard to go on when you lose someone so important.”
“Losing him sucked all the fun out of my life for a long time.”
“Doing that kindergarten co-op brought your fun back.”
“Mm,” he hummed. “It was good for me.”
“You like your job,” I stated.
“I love my job. I make fun for kids all day long.”
“Can I visit you at work one day?”
His muscles jerked as he pulled me closer. “I’d love for you to visit me at work.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He pressed his cheek to the top of my head. “Any afternoon after lunch. Just check in at the office and they’ll send you my way.”
That open invitation warmed me. “Anytime? Really?”
“Why don’t you come tomorrow?”
I thought about my schedule. “I have no appointments tomorrow afternoon. If you’re sure?” I pushed up onto my hand and looked into his eyes to ensure he was sincere.
He cupped my face in his hands.
“Come tomorrow. The kids love visitors.”
The next day, the office happily sent me his way exactly as he assured me they would.
Walking down the hall, the sounds and smells assaulted my senses with memories, bad and good, of my school years. Schools all smelled the same, a mix of sanitizer, gym socks, paper, musty textbooks, and art supplies, but this was my school.
I walked these halls.
Sat at these desks.
Ran around with Noelle in this schoolyard.
I sucked in a deep, shaky breath, and smiled.
Because most of my memories were good.
And Hunter lived large and vibrant in so many of them.
In my mind’s eye, I watched him lope down the hall, skinny as a rail with overgrown limbs and the barest hint of down on his lip, his buddies flanking his sides as laughter spilled from his lips.
A soft laugh disguised as a sob broke through my lips at the sweet clarity of the vision. I imagined he passed me, flashing his wide smile, his eyes lighting up as they always did when he saw any of our little crew.
Teachers either loved him or despaired of having him in their classroom.
My eyes welled but the smile on my face remained.
I swallowed hard and blinked back my tears just as I rounded the corner to the kindergarten room. It had an old-time split door. With the top half open, the sounds of pitchy voices interspersed with Daire’s deep baritone and deeper chuckle filtered out into the hallway.
The sight that met my eyes caused my heart to swell in my chest.
Daire sat in a sturdy, straight-backed chair, a picture book held open in his hands. His students sat cross-legged and riveted on a plush rug in front of him as he read to them from The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
Every time he got to the day of the week, the children yelled it out for him. When the story called for the word ‘hungry’, the children recited it. And for everything that gluttonous butterfly ate, the children yelled it out.
I stood by the door, unwilling to interrupt, unable to step away.
The certainty of my future hit me with the force of five thousand wishes.
This man.
This man would father my children.
Read to them.
Bring the fun into their lives.
Love them.
And I would love him.
To the best of my ability, beginning now, I would love him.