Chapter 31 Dropped
Dropped
There was no warning.
No build-up.
No date on the calendar.
No anniversary.
No sign of anything coming at all.
The swim meet went off without a hitch.
My dad convinced me to bring Daire to family dinner citing a rather pointed conversation with my brother.
We ate. We played cards. We laughed. We hugged everybody goodbye.
Daire drove us home and made love to me in what I now considered our bed, finishing with his weight braced on his elbows, his hands gentle in my hair, his eyes on mine.
His ‘I love you’ plain even for me to see though neither of us had offered the words.
Still.
I woke with a weight on my chest that fairly pinned me to the bed.
Daire had left early, his mouth brushing across mine on his way out to get his laps in before school, the routine laid out by the swim team his to follow alone now.
Rolling over required a gargantuan effort but I successfully achieved my objective, which was to reach my cell and fire off a text to my parents letting them know I would not be going in to work today.
I closed my eyes but the mood on the inside was no better and offered no escape.
Stunned by the sudden onslaught of crushing distress, I stared blankly at the ceiling. Much like I’d done for days on end right after we lost him.
Guilty tears leaked from the corners of my eyes, dampening the hair at my temples.
Guilty because my life was coming together, and his was irrevocably lost.
And I hadn’t once thought about saving a chair for him in weeks.
Weeks.
Not once had I imagined him coming around the corner.
Not once had I spoken to him.
I was losing him all over again. But it felt like I was truly losing him for the first time.
Forgetting to save his place was the first step in forgetting him. He was slipping into my past, and his death had become a very real piece of my present reality.
Every day from now on would be a death-day, walk the bluffs, scream his loss and my regret into the wind day, a never-ending cycle of grief and regret punctuated by the bitter taste of sorrow, the heavy burden of guilt, and a heartbreaking, impossible yearning to turn back the clock.
Unlike the last time this happened, there was no numbness.
My tears flowed as my heart, lacerated by reality, bled out.
My eyes flickered around my room.
Daire’s candles. His clothes folded neatly over the chair, mine on the floor.
The bed rumpled from our lovemaking the night before.
Faint marks on my wrists, a testament to the beauty he gave me.
Light filtering through the window.
Life, and love, and a future Hunter didn’t have because of my selfishness in weaseling my way out of an errand I didn’t want to run in favor of hanging out with Noelle.
Christine’s compassionate eyes flitted through my brain. My soul cried out for the comfort of her embrace, but I mentally pushed her away.
She offered compassion I hadn’t earned and didn’t deserve.
Oh, God!
Bile rose in my throat.
Was I actually feeling sorry for myself?
My hand came up of its own volition and I slapped myself across the face.
Hard.
The shock of it elicited a harsh sob, but somehow also leant a modicum of relief. I raised my hand to do it again only to put it back down.
There was no relief for Hunter.
There would be no relief for me.
Because Hunter didn’t deserve to be forgotten.
I rolled to my stomach and pressed my face into my pillow, happy Daire wasn’t here to comfort me.
How could I forget Hunter for even a minute let alone weeks?
Daire.
I was living the life Hunter dreamed of.
Managing the resort.
Finding a great love.
Enjoying our family, which he would be doing with me if only I had made the right choice that day.
To be there for him like he had always been there for me.
Always.
And me, the coddled baby sister, taking and taking and fucking taking from everybody and never giving back until everything that mattered was taken from me.
Suffocated by everything good in my life, I climbed out of bed, needing to escape the home I filled with softness to hold and comfort me. Hurriedly, I pulled on yesterday’s clothes and added a heavy fleece hoody.
Without thinking, I scooped Daire’s bit of sea glass out of the dish on my shelf and slipped it into my pocket.
Trudging downstairs, I headed for the beach.
I slowly tracked the edge of the shoreline, collecting more mermaid tears in the palm of my hand as I walked, searching for someone to grieve with me.
Only I hadn’t been grieving.
I’d been living while he lay cold and alone.
I sobbed aloud. Grateful the beach was too cold for anyone other than me that morning.
Wind blew in off the waves bringing the sting of cold water to my already tear-drenched face.
I opened my palm and let her tears fall to the sand, because all these weeks, she’d grieved alone.
I rolled my neck, my skin too tight, and flexed my fists. Spinning around, I backtracked the way I came, unable to fathom how I came to be in this dark place and if I should even attempt to leave.
My skin was too tight.
The wave of grief swelling inside me threatened to split me open. I needed to escape to a place where I could set it free.
A place where no one would try to comfort me.
The bluffs. The closest place on earth to him. The place we escaped to when the world became too much for him.
Plodding up the trail, my legs weighing heavily, my body cumbersome, I only made it as far as The Lookout. I sat down on the ground with my back to the bench, the etching of our names at my back.
More exhausted than I could ever remember being in my life, I pulled up my hood and closed my eyes.
When I could no longer feel my toes, I started back down the trail.
“Harley.”
My chin snapped up. “Daire! What are you doing here?”
He offered me a small, tight smile. “Always the same question. What are you doing here?”
Everything I believed I left behind at the top of the trail came flooding back.
“Fuck, Harley,” he groaned in dismay, opening his arms.
I fell against his chest, pressing my face into his fleece. “What are you doing here?”
“I called to check on you. When you didn’t answer, I checked in at your work. Your mom told me you were sick. This is my fault.”
I shook my head against his chest. “How is this your fault?”
“Last night was intense. I shouldn’t have gone swimming this morning. I should have made sure you were still okay.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Sub-drop. We need to have a conversation. And I need to pay more attention. Harley,” he tipped my chin up with his finger. He winced as he met my swollen eyes. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
Another tear fell.
He brushed it away with his thumb and pressed his lips to my forehead.
I leaned hard against his chest.
“I don’t think this has anything to do with you. I just woke up so sad.”
“Sometimes, when the release is intense like it was last night, there’s a bit of a boomerang effect.” He wrapped his arms around me. “We should have spoken about this being a possibility. I’m sorry.”
I didn’t buy into his explanation, but it seemed important to him, so I accepted his apology just the same.
Turning us around, he led me back down the trail to the beach.
I turned his words over in my head. “I don’t much like the idea of being submissive.”
He chuckled. “Only in the bedroom. Everywhere else, with everyone else, you’re a spitfire. But with me, you can let down your guard. Hand over control. Give yourself permission to feel instead of overthinking all the time.”
“I do tend to overthink,” I muttered, feeling infinitely better now that I had my hand nestled into his.
And I loved the world he’d opened up to me in our bed.
“It’s a privilege I don’t take lightly. It’s another way I can take care of you. And I think it’s something you need.”
“Don’t you have to get back to work?”
“Harley, it’s three-thirty. How long were you up there?”
“Not that long. I left the house at 11:00.”
“For fuck’s sake,” he grumbled shortly.
At the bottom of the trail, he tucked me into the front seat of his car, then headed back to my place. “Go on up. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Ten minutes later he came in bearing home-made hot cocoa from Mary-Lou’s and a box of chocolates.
Tucking the blankets around me on the couch, he climbed in beside me and passed me my drink.
It didn’t take long for the lethargy and sadness to lift. I began to feel all kinds of foolish for being so affected. “Stop looking at me,” I groused.
He rubbed a palm over his face. “I was so fucking scared.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Scared? Why scared?”
“No one knew where you were!”
I snorted. “Daire, I’m thirty-six years old. There are plenty of times no one knows where I am.”
“If you’re hiking, someone should always know where you are.”
I waved him away. “I know these hills, Daire. I’ve been climbing these hills since I was a toddler.”
“Harley.”
His voice held a warning that captured my attention and widened my eyes.
“Not on the bluffs. Not on the trails. Anywhere else, yes. But when you need to escape, at least tell me or someone else where you’re going.”
“Daire…”
He leveled me with a harsh glare. “That’s non-negotiable.” A hint of panic lit his gaze. “I can’t… I need to know you’re safe. I can’t lose you.”
“Is this about your dad?” I asked softly.
He shook his head then nodded. “Yes. No. I don’t know, but I can’t handle not knowing if you’re safe or not. Can you just give me this? Not go off into the wilderness without anyone knowing? It doesn’t have to be me.”
He was rattled. “I’m sorry. I’ll let you know from now on.”
His eyelids fluttered shut and the lines in his face eased. “Thank you. Now let’s talk about subspace, sub-drop, and Hunter.”
“Ew. I can’t say I like that combination.”
He slanted me a glance.
I popped another chocolate in my mouth and grimaced.
A begrudging chuckle escaped his mouth then he grew serious. Taking my free hand in his, he brought the back of it to his lips and murmured against it, “I love you, Harley. I don’t ever want to lose you.”
“You love me?” I asked softly.
“Surely you feel it?” he countered.
I nodded. “And how do I feel about you?”
“You love me too. Even if you don’t know it. Yet.”
I laughed and twisted to plant my ass on his lap. “Believe me. I know it. I love you. How could I not?”
Turned out, after telling him that, we didn’t talk about anything.