12. Steak n Shake
12
Steak 'n Shake
Tech week was brutal. I spent every free minute working on the remaining set pieces or in the sound booth during the dress rehearsals. Ben stopped by a couple of times after practice, but I was busy, not to mention stressed. I wasn’t good company, and he never stayed long. We texted during the day and sometimes after rehearsal, but I was usually too tired for socializing.
Thursday night, I came home from our last rehearsal before the show to find my dad home. He sat in the living room reading a newspaper, and I dropped my backpack to the floor with a tired harrumph.
“Oh, hey, Dad,” I said as he glanced over the top of the paper, the crows-feet around his eyes crinkling as he smiled at me. “You’re home early.”
He folded his paper and cleared his throat. “Well, I wasn’t going to miss your play tomorrow.”
Regardless of the fact I never stepped foot on stage, Dad came to every single performance I took part in since freshman year. I told him numerous times it wasn’t necessary, but he never failed to make an appearance. Secretly I loved his presence and support, but it was hard to admit out loud.
“You don’t have to come.” My socked toe dug into the carpet, and he grunted out a mumbled response I didn’t understand. “But it’s good to see you.”
His neck colored, fueling my own discomfort, and we stood in awkward silence before he offered to order me some food.
“I ate pizza at rehearsal. I’m good.”
“Oh, okay.”
I smiled, and he returned the grin, his wrinkles deepening. “Well, I need to shower, so…” Dad nodded as I shuffled across the living room, pausing at the base of the steps to send him a wave. “I’m glad you’re home, Dad.”
Before he could respond to my uncharacteristic sappiness, I raced up the stairs to my bedroom. After showering and finishing my homework, I crawled into bed, exhausted. I checked my phone, chuckling as I read Ben’s texts. Alice was flirting with him again, and he was too damn nice to tell her to take a hike.
I texted him, exasperated.
Silas: Just tell her about your girlfriend. She’s tenacious, but I bet she’d back off if she knew you were unavailable.
My phone rang less than a minute after I sent the message, and I clicked off my lamp before answering. “Hello?”
“What girlfriend?” Ben asked before I finished my greeting.
“Huh?”
“I don’t have a girlfriend.” His tone was tight in defensive annoyance. If I wasn’t overwhelmingly happy at the news, I would have been irritated by his obvious and irrational frustration.
Unsure what to say, I snuggled into my blanket with a grunt. “Oh, okay. Then I guess you can’t use that as an excuse unless you lie.”
“Why did you think I had a girlfriend?”
Why did this matter?
“I saw the pictures of you and the, uh, Asian girl, and I just assumed. What’s the problem?”
He was quiet for a moment, and the rustling of sheets crackled from his end of the connection. “You mean Caitlyn? She’s not my girlfriend. Just a good friend from Sacramento.”
“Um, okay. Cool.”
The line fell quiet, and I stared at my dark ceiling, still confused.
“How was rehearsal?” Ben asked, and I swore I got whiplash from the sudden one-eighty.
“Good. There’s always kinks to work through, but we’ll pull it together tomorrow. We always do.” I cradled my phone between my ear and my pillow as I turned on my side, studying the light filtering through the cracks in my shut blinds.
“Sorry I won’t be there tomorrow. I have a meet.”
“It’s cool.” I shrugged, despite the fact he couldn’t see me. “You coming Saturday?”
The smile was apparent in his voice as he replied, “Yeah, I’ll be there. Should I bring flowers for everyone? Is that a thing?”
“I’m sure the girls will be tickled pink if you brought them flowers.”
“You don’t like flowers?”
“Isn’t that kind of a girl thing?”
Ben blew a raspberry. “That sounds like toxic masculinity.”
I winced. “Ew, you’re right. I just… I don’t know, I never really thought about it. You don’t have to get me flowers.”
He hummed. “I guess I could find something else to give you then, in celebration of a job well done.”
“You don’t need to get me anything, Adams,” I said, even as a smile threatened to split my face in half.
“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled around a yawn.
Another silence descended, and my eyes drooped as his even breathing deepened in my ear.
“You still there?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Maybe I could come to one of your meets. Not tomorrow obviously, but I bet Kim and Caroline would wanna come. We can make signs and shit. Cheer you on.”
I bit my tongue to stop my word vomit, and Ben’s surprised satisfaction rang through the receiver. “Really? You want to watch me dive?”
“Yeah. I mean, you’re coming to the play, so it’s only fair that we come to your thing. Right?”
It seemed like something friends did for each other.
“I’d like that.”
I almost didn’t catch his admission, his voice quiet and almost bashful
“Cool. We’ll, uh, figure something out, then.”
“Thanks, Si.” Mumbling something nonsensical, I burrowed deeper into my pillow and yawned. “I should let you go. You sound tired.”
“I’m a little tired, I guess,” I confessed into the phone as I closed my eyes. “But I’m fine.”
He didn’t respond, and the line was still once more, neither of us breaking it this time. His breathing echoed through my phone, but, like in person, our silence wasn’t awkward. I mumbled a good night at some point, and I thought he reciprocated but couldn’t be sure as my mind floated away. I didn’t disconnect our call and neither did he. He was still breathing evenly in my ear as I fell asleep.
Opening night went really well, and I was pleased when the curtain closed after one last bow from the cast and Ms. Acker. My dad was in the crowd, standing to clap when the cast gestured to the sound booth to recognize me and the stage crew. Embarrassed at the attention, I ignored his cheers as I raised a simple hand in acknowledgment of the praise before sitting down to hide.
Ms. Acker showered me with approval when I arrived in the lobby, and Dad embraced me in a hug as he congratulated me on a job well done. I blushed furiously as they both doted on me with a humiliating amount of affection. It was stupid really since I didn’t do anything but push a couple of buttons on the sound board, but I smiled graciously. Unfortunately, my acceptance turned to horror the moment Ms. Acker flirted with my dad.
Not that my dad wasn’t handsome for a man in his late forties, but as Ms. Acker blushed pink and rested her hand on his arm, I wished I could gouge my eyes out with a sharp stick. Sure, Dad probably needed and liked—cue my shudder—companionship, but watching the possibility unfold right before my eyes was nauseating, especially since Ms. Acker was my teacher and at least ten years his junior.
Thankfully, Ms. Acker was whisked away by other congratulatory spectators, and my dad took his leave, his face slightly flushed from her obvious flirtation.
Saturday night’s performance went even better than the first, and I released a sigh of relief as I dimmed the stage lights for the last time. Almost three months of hard work paid off, and though it was worth the time and effort, I was glad it was over.
I maneuvered my way through the crowded lobby, waving at Kim, who stood next to her dad and his newest girlfriend, who was barely older than Kim herself. She grimaced, and I fought my way through the sea of bodies until I stumbled into her.
“Come on. Acker wants to take pictures,” I lied, offering Kim’s dad an innocent smile. He frowned down at me but didn’t stop me from dragging his daughter away.
“Thanks,” she whispered as we weaved through the crowd. “I don’t know why insists on bringing his girlfriends to these things when I don’t even know who they are.”
“She looked young,” I commented, and Kim grimaced.
“She’s twenty-two! That’s only four years older than me.” I squeezed Kim’s hand in support, and her brown eyes sparkled at the gesture. “Thanks, Silas.”
“Sure thing.”
The crowd parted, and my gaze landed on a certain blond-haired boy leaning against the wall holding flowers. He was adorable in his dark jeans and purple argyle sweater, and when his blue eyes met mine, his whole face lit up. I waved as we approached him, and his lopsided grin quirked in one corner as he took in my appearance.
“We had to look nice,” I grumbled the moment I was within speaking range, and Ben snickered as I smoothed my hands over my black button-up tucked into the nicest pair of jeans I owned. Dad had tried to get me to wear a tie, but I’d put my foot down. There were some lines I would never cross.
“You look nice,” he said, and my neck heated at the compliment.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, staring down at my beat-up Vans as Ben congratulated Kim on her performance.
“Here, these are for you.” He handed her a small bouquet of flowers, and she squealed and threw her arms around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Her lipstick left a mark, and his cheeks pinked when she pulled away.
He had a single carnation that he offered to me, an amused smile on his face. “And for you, because flowers are for everyone.”
I laughed and accepted the gift, my cheeks heating. “Exactly. None of that toxic masculinity shit for us.”
Before he could respond, Caroline joined us, copying Kim’s reaction when Ben handed her the second bouquet of flowers. I laughed when his ears turned red too, both of his cheeks sporting lipstick marks.
Harris and Jordan staggered through the crowd to complete our merry group, and Kim shoved me none too gently in Ben’s direction to create space for them in our circle. He smiled as I pressed into his shoulder, and I grinned back, tilting my head in question as he crouched down to a small cooler at his feet. He opened it to reveal a foam cup nestled inside a pile of ice.
“I got you this too. I’m pretty sure it’s still frozen.” He handed the cup to me. “You did great tonight.”
I recognized the logo on the cup and accepted it, startled. “What is this?”
He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal that he bought me a blue moon shake from the drive-in and kept it in a cooler during the whole performance. “I figured you’d like this more than the flower.”
Bringing the straw to my lips, I took a long sip and sighed. “Thanks, Ben.”
“You’re welcome.”
I didn’t notice until much later that Ben hadn’t brought flowers or gifts for Jordan or Harris. For some reason, that seemed important.
“Want a sip?” I offered him my shake, and he leaned in to capture my straw between his lips. I watched him pull the ice cream through the straw that was moments before in my own mouth, and I internally high-fived myself for dressing in loose-fit jeans.
He licked his bottom lip to catch the drop of blue cream slipping out of his mouth, and, God as my witness, I almost tried to lick up for him.
“The rest’s for you.”
“Cool.” My weak voice cracked, and I shoved the straw in my mouth to occupy my lips and stop myself from kissing Ben’s beautiful face off. The slightest hint of spearmint remained on the plastic tube, and I bit back a groan.
“Ben, you’re coming to the after-party, right?” Jordan interrupted our prolonged eye contact, and Ben turned away from me to answer.
“Oh, uh, I don’t want to party-crash.”
“You should come,” I said quickly as his hands burrowed into his pockets. “We’re just hanging out at Steak ‘n Shake.”
“Okay.”
After clearing the stage and tidying the changing rooms, we all headed out, Ben following behind my truck as I drove Jordan to Steak ‘n Shake. It was almost midnight, but none of us cared as our rowdy crowd of thespians and stage crew filled most of the dining area. Ben sat between me and Caroline as Kim and Harris sat across from us. Jordan jumped around, never spending too long at one table, and I pitied the staff as we threw their restaurant into chaos.
I munched on french fries, laughing as Kim flirted with Harris until the poor guy was red as a firetruck. Caroline spurned Jordan’s advances anytime he graced us with his presence, and Ben remained mostly quiet beside me. He picked at the onion rings on his plate as Caroline turned her attention on him, and my ears perked when her interview began.
“So how long have you lived in Indiana?” She licked hot fudge off her spoon as she spoke.
He smiled shyly at her undivided attention. “Since the beginning of the summer. I moved here after last school year ended.”
“Why?” Caroline shook her head in disbelief. “I mean, California is amazing! In what world would you want to come here?”
The plastic booth squeaked as Ben shifted in discomfort. “To live with my aunt and uncle. I aged out of the foster system in May and didn’t have anywhere else to go, really. They were kind enough to open their home so I could finish high school.”
She grimaced, covering the back of his wrist with her palm. “That must have been hard. Foster care, leaving your home behind.”
“I wanted to come here,” he corrected as he focused on his napkin, tearing it into pieces until they littered the tabletop like snowflakes. “I would have lived with them sooner, but my aunt was battling cancer, and the state wouldn’t let me stay with them. So once I aged out, it was a no-brainer, really.”
“Shouldn’t you have graduated? If you’re already eighteen, I mean?”
“I was held back a year,” he answered shortly, removing his hand from beneath hers, but she didn’t take the not-so-subtle hint.
Instead, she leaned closer, her eyes brimming with curiosity. “Really? How come?”
Ben paled, and I jumped in to save him from the uncomfortable conversation. “Caroline, what happened to that guy from Concord you were talking to?” I grasped at the first distracting idea, and Caroline rolled her eyes, launching into the story.
A hand landed on my knee under the table, and I jumped at the intimate touch. Ben didn’t move his hand inappropriately or even glance my way. He simply squeezed the spot above my knee like he’d done in his room last weekend, and I took it as an unsaid thank-you.
“I gotta go. I’ll see you guys Monday,” Ben announced less than five minutes later, and my gut curled with anxiety as he waved half-heartedly.
“Oh, I need to talk to him about a sociology project,” I lied, scrambling to my feet and chasing after him. I caught him before he climbed into his car, and when I called his name, he shut the driver’s door and leaned against it.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“I’m sorry,” I blurted, “about Caroline. She doesn’t always pick up on social cues, but she didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
Ben shifted his weight as he rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s cool. I’m used to people asking. Normal kids don’t flunk their sophomore year. Normal kids live with their parents. Kids that live in foster care or with their aunt and uncle are there because shit happened. It’s human nature to be curious.”
“Still.” I stuck my hands in my pockets as the chilly wind breezed over my bare arms—I’d forgotten my jacket inside. “Sorry.”
“I’m not mad. Sorry for leaving so fast.”
I shrugged, unsure why he apologized when my friend ruined our good time. “It’s cool.”
After a pause, Ben’s normal calm cracked, and he fidgeted with the buttons on his coat. “Why didn’t you ever ask? About my living situation, I mean.”
Not wanting to mess this up, I thought carefully about my answer. “Your shit is your shit. If you wanted to tell me, you would. If not…” I left the sentence hanging.
Ben’s expression was unfathomable as he stared at me. He licked his lips, the skin around his eyes tightening as he battled with himself. I remained quiet, leaving him to his internal debate. After several long moments, he came to his decision and cleared his throat awkwardly.
“My mom died the summer after I turned fifteen. The year that followed was”—he hesitated—“unpleasant. I had to repeat sophomore year.” My heart broke as he released a shuddering breath, staring at his shoes, and I mirrored his position with my back to his car, our shoulders almost touching. “I’m not embarrassed about it, exactly, I just don’t like talking about my mom with people I don’t trust.”
“I get it.” I scuffed my shoes against the asphalt as I tried and failed to control my word vomit. “My mom checked out when I was twelve. Just took off one day and never came back. I don’t remember the last time I talked about her. So, yeah, I get it.”
His arm brushed mine, the material of his sweater tickling my skin, and I instinctively leaned into the touch. “I’m sorry that she left.”
“I’m sorry your mom died.”
We stood shoulder-to-shoulder for a long time, neither of us speaking, and I relaxed beside him as we shared our matching pain. I didn’t understand what was happening between us, but I couldn’t ignore the way he made me feel. It was one thing to be attracted to him, but it was another thing to like him. I didn’t do emotion; it was the reason I’d wasted time fucking around with Eli. Sex was simple, easy. Feelings were hard and complicated. They terrified me… Ben terrified me.
I needed to find a way to stop these traitorous emotions before it was too late, but I feared I couldn’t. I was already sinking, the sand giving way beneath my toes until I was stuck. Hopefully, I could dig my way back out because the alternative was far more daunting than suffocating neck-deep in the sand.