18. Spit, Dont Swallow
18
Spit, Don't Swallow
The next night, I questioned my sanity for the millionth time as I parked at the curb across from Kim’s house. I’d arrived exactly on time, yet I was somehow the last one there as my group of friends talked animatedly in the driveway.
I dragged my feet as I crossed the road and walked up the driveway. I pulled my beanie down to protect the tops of my ears from the cold, then pulled my bomber jacket tighter across my chest. It was supposed to snow next week, and I could almost smell it in the air.
“Hey.” Ben met me halfway down the drive and gave me a cursory once-over, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “You look nice.”
I nearly tripped over my own feet at that, but I caught my balance before I smashed right into him. “Um, th-thanks. You too.”
And he did. His flannel jacket hung open over a light blue button-up that matched his eyes perfectly, and his jeans were snug enough to frame his ass just right. I didn’t say the last part out loud, thankfully, but Ben still had a smug spring in his step as he fell into step beside me.
“Oh, keys.” He held out an expectant hand. “I’m the DD, so no one holds keys but me.”
“I’m not gonna drink,” I said.
“Cough ’em up. Or I’ll take them by force,” he threatened playfully.
Just to be an ass, I said, “I’ll hide them in my underwear.”
Something complicated crossed his face, but then he stepped in closer, until we were nearly nose-to-nose. “Try me.”
Heat clawed up my neck, but instead of calling his bluff, I tugged my keys out of my pocket and handed them over. He grinned triumphantly.
“Good choice.”
We all piled into Kim’s SUV as Ben climbed behind the wheel. “Okay, keep your phones on you in case we get separated, and don’t eat, drink, smoke, or swallow anything someone else gives you.”
“Okay, you heard Ben,” I announced to the back of the vehicle. “Spit, don’t swallow.”
“Spit, don’t swallow!” they chorused, and Ben sighed, long and drawn out, like I was making his life incredibly difficult.
“What?” I asked innocently. “I was just showing you how good of a listener I am.”
“Sure,” he deadpanned.
By the time we arrived, the party was already in full swing, and Ben had to park nearly a block away. Alice lived in one of the richer neighborhoods, and we passed more than one gated home before we made it to her driveway.
The music was loud, the lights bright. People milled about outside, even more crowding inside the house itself. Swallowing my trepidation, I followed the others up the drive.
“Just stick close,” Ben said. “We’ll make it through this together.”
“If you abandon me in there, I’ll never forgive you,” I warned.
He bumped my shoulder with his. “I won’t. I need you to protect me from Alice, remember?”
“Don’t worry, Benjamin, I’ll defend your honor with my life.”
Of course, if Alice was set on devouring him as a midnight snack, I didn’t think I’d be able to dissuade her. But I would give it the ol’ college try.
As we entered the house, the temperature leapt, and I shrugged out of my jacket, folding it over my arm. “Holy shit, half the school’s here.”
“What?” Ben shouted over the music.
I raised my voice to match his volume. “Half the—never mind.”
Kim forged a path through the bodies, and we followed her in single file. Ben reached back blindly, palm open, and I took his hand without much hesitation. He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze, and my heart clenched.
When we made it to the kitchen, Kim was already pouring drinks into red, plastic cups. She thrust a beer into my chest, and I took it, if only to stop it from spilling down my front. I sniffed at it, and wrinkled my nose. I’d gotten drunk once with Eli, but I hadn’t exactly enjoyed it. Probably because I hadn’t felt particularly safe with him, seeing as he’d proven himself to be flaky on more than one occasion.
I knew Ben would take care of us to the best of his ability, but I’d promised to stay sober with him, so I sipped gingerly at the beer, planning to make this my one and only for the night.
Our group mostly stayed together as we went from room to room, mingling with people I didn’t really know. Ben knew most of the athletes, and Caroline was friends with the choir crowd. The choir lesbians were there, but they didn’t like me for some reason. So we merely nodded in acknowledgment that, yes, we were part of the alphabet mafia, but that was the extent of our connection.
My beer was half gone when we returned to the kitchen for a third round for the others. Harris was already drunk, and Caroline was getting there. Kim was clearly tipsy, but both she and Jordan held their liquor better. Ben and I corralled them, like the parents to a group of unruly children.
“Shots!” Kim cried, raising a nearly empty bottle of tequila. “We’re doing shots.”
I stepped back to give them room at the kitchen island to line them up, but Kim grabbed my arm in her vice-like grip. “Uh-uh, you’re doing a shot with us.”
“No, I’m good, Kim.”
“Please?” She leaned in until her breasts squished against my chest. “Please, just one?”
I met Ben’s eyes fleetingly, and he was smirking. He shrugged, like it wouldn’t bother him if I did. One couldn’t hurt, and I didn’t want to be a complete spoil sport.
“Only one,” I said sternly, and she cheered.
Jordan lined up the shot glasses and the limes, but before he could pour the tequila, Caroline screeched, “Wait!”
We all turned to her as she giggled out, “We should do body shots!”
My mortified, “No!” was lost to the avid cheers of everyone else.
“Ben!” Kim made grabby hands at Ben. “Ben, you’re hot. Come let us do body shots off you.”
Cheeks instantly flushing red, Ben said, “What?”
“Body shots,” she said, like that explained everything. “Get over here.”
“I’m not drinking,” he said firmly, and she made a shushing noise.
“Bup, bup, bup, no talking. We only want you for your body.”
“That’s surprisingly hurtful,” he mumbled as she manhandled him until he was sitting on one of the stools.
I stared in growing horror as Kim unbuttoned the top half of his shirt and tugged it to the side, revealing his collarbones and chest. Several people hooted and wolf-whistled, but Ben simply smiled good-naturedly, even as his ears tinged pink to match his cheeks.
Dipping a finger into one of the shot glasses, Kim painted a wet stripe across his collarbone, then sprinkled salt on the path. Then, adding insult to injury, she pushed the lime wedge against his mouth. He frowned but parted his lips, holding the lime wedge between his teeth.
“Okay, Silas first,” she announced, and I blanched.
“Fuck no!” I cried, even as Caroline shoved me forward. How had she gotten behind me?
I glared at Kim, and her eyes danced with mischief. And it all clicked. She was doing this purpose. What a conniving, little—
“Just one shot,” she said, smiling sweet as honey.
Someone—Jordan, of course—started chanting my name, and total strangers took up the call, not even knowing what they were chanting about.
Ben’s hands had tightened on his knees, knuckles white, veins pushing against his skin. His face was unreadable, but his eyes? The waves within them were crashing and swirling.
I opened my mouth to say, in no uncertain terms, that I was not going to put my mouth on any part of Ben, but he spoke first.
Popping the lime out of his mouth, he said, voice quiet and steady, “You don’t have to do this.”
“Neither do you,” I said, because this was just as awkward for him, right?
He had the audacity to shrug nonchalantly. “It’s just a game.”
And the little fire in my chest that I’d been secretly, lovingly tending snuffed out. Because of course this was just a game to him. He didn’t feel what I felt, and God, it hurt. It hurt .
“Right,” I said, blanking out my face. “Just a game.”
I wasn’t sure why I did what I did next. All I knew was that I was hurt and a little angry, and Ben was just sitting there like it was all some fucking joke. Well, the joke would be on him then.
Tipping my cup back, I chugged my beer in one go, swallowing the cheap, bitter liquid until my cup ran dry. I smashed it down on the kitchen island behind Ben, grabbed one of the shot glasses Jordan had filled, and held it out to him. His eyebrows had risen, eyes wide and somewhat alarmed as I shoved his knees apart to stand between them. He swallowed with an audible click, but he still took the shot, holding it for me until I was ready for it.
I nodded at the lime. “Well, come on then.”
For a moment, I thought he was going to back down, but then something flared in his eyes, and he fit the lime back between his teeth. He angled his head to the side, baring his throat and his collarbone where Kim had christened him. The salt had mostly fallen away, but enough granules stuck to the tequila slicked skin.
We were close enough now that I could see the flecks of gold around his pupils, and all I could smell was spearmint and spring soap. He arched one, perfect brow in a final question. Or maybe it was one final challenge.
Yanking my beanie down to settle it more securely on my head, I glared down at Ben as everyone in the room seemed to collectively hold their breath. The chant of my name had died, and though the music was still pulsing through the house, I felt like every sound had faded into dull, crackling static.
I breathed in.
Ben blinked.
I breathed out.
Ben’s hand shifted the minutest amount, his thumb brushing my thigh.
I breathed in again, then I lowered my head and hovered over the strip of salt. Ben’s Adam’s apple bobbed in my peripheral, and I swore his hand cupped my thigh completely, fingers pressing .
Flattening my tongue against his collarbone, I followed the sting of salt and tequila. But beneath their sharp bite, I tasted Ben’s skin. I clamped down on the moan trying to make its way up and out of my mouth. This was a game, after all, and I was going to win, Goddammit.
His collarbone ended, but I didn’t stop there. I steadied my balance with a hand on his chest, my fingers digging into the skin revealed by his open shirt. I traced the column of his throat with my tongue, not pulling back until I felt the involuntary shiver that wracked through him.
The buzzing in my ears faded with Ben’s nearly imperceptible gasp, and I smiled against his jaw. Straightening, I licked my lips, never breaking eye contact as I took the shot glass from his grasp and tipped the contents into my mouth. It was harsh and bitter, and it burned all the way down.
Blindly, I set the glass on the counter and crowded further into Ben’s space. His eyes were wide, the waves thrashing with wild abandon as I touched the tip of his nose with mine. He didn’t look away, and neither did I as I cocked my head and leaned in to sink my teeth into the lime. Our lips brushed, the barest of touches that couldn’t even count as a touch. But my body knew it was real.
Every muscle was taut with tension, and I was hard. Oh shit, I was hard!
That more than anything shattered the moment, and I ripped the lime out of Ben’s mouth, sucking the juice down as I finally broke away from his ocean eyes. I spit the lime out of my mouth and tossed the husk onto the counter. It landed with an anticlimactic splat .
Ben’s tongue snaked out to gather the lime juice puddling on his bottom lip, and I almost surged back in to kiss him. Hard. So he would feel it. So he would never forget it.
But then someone said, “That was so hot,” and I remembered that we weren’t alone. We were in the middle of a high school party with strangers gawking at us. Sound rushed back in, and my knees almost buckled under the onslaught. The bass pounded through the bones of the house, and voices raised in a cacophony of unintelligible noise.
“Game over,” I muttered, and Ben blinked, like he was coming out of a daze.
Before he could say anything—or maybe punch me for publicly molesting him—I turned on my heels and fled the room.
Somehow, I made my way to the bathroom and locked myself in. Gripping the edge of the sink, I hung my head and panted. I was still hard, my skin was practically vibrating, and my blood roared through my veins, setting my entire body aflame.
“You’re so stupid,” I said aloud. “So fucking stupid.”
I stayed in the bathroom, mentally berating myself until my erection deflated and I was in control again. Glaring at my reflection, I told myself to get over it. Ben wasn’t into me, and I had no right to even be mad about it. It wasn’t his fault, the same way it wasn’t mine. It was just the reality.
He shivered, my brain reminded me.
He had, hadn’t he? My tongue was on him, and he’d shivered.
“Stop, Silas,” I growled at the mirror. “Stop making it something it’s not.”
Because, regardless of my ill-advised feelings for him, he was important to me. In the few short months I’d known him, he’d become one of my closest friends, and I didn’t want to lose that. So I needed to swallow my pride, ignore the bone-deep yearning, and get over myself.
Straightening my beanie, I scrubbed a hand down my face and left the bathroom. I’d find Ben and make sure he wasn’t mad at me for licking him like I was a horse at a salt block. And if I was lucky, we could pretend like it had never happened.
I opened the bathroom door and stepped past the people waiting in line to use the toilet, wondering how I was going to find Ben in this crowd. Except Ben was right there, leaning against the wall like he’d been waiting for me. That traitorous hope bloomed anew in my chest, until I spotted the real reason that he was pressed against the wall.
Alice. Fucking Alice.
She was plastered to his front, hands hooked around the back of his neck, a loose grin on her face. Ben’s mouth moved, but I couldn’t hear the words. But he was leaning toward her, their heads so close to each other. His hands rose to grip her arms, and he offered her a sweet smile.
Alice grinned back, popped onto her toes, and pressed their lips together.
Unable to watch another second, I fought through the mass of bodies to get away. To get away from the truth I’d been trying to accept but was terrified of seeing confirmed. To get away from the boy who I was probably, most definitely falling for. To get away from the pain of my heart being crushed by a hydraulic press.
Except the pain followed me, and for the first time ever, I wanted to get blackout drunk.
Without much consideration, I snatched a bottle of tequila from the choir lesbians walking past me, ignoring their protests as I brought it to my lips and swallowed.
It burned the whole way down.