Chapter SEVENTEEN
Lou
THEN
Christmas Eve, 21 Years Ago
Ben was home after all.
He hadn’t told me. He hadn’t told anyone, from what I could hear coming from the hallway.
I held my breath behind the huge ballroom door, praying I didn’t cough or sneeze or make any other sound to suggest I was within earshot. It’s not that I wanted to pry. I simply didn’t have anywhere else to go.
‘You had no need to cancel your plans in Germany, Ben,’
Tilda cried.
‘We have it all under control, don’t we, Jack?’
Uncle Eric was talking so fast I couldn’t make him out entirely, but when Jack Heaney shut him down it became loud and clear.
‘Eric, with all due respect there’s nothing you can do to help the situation. There’s more at play here than you know, so keep your opinions to yourself,’
said Jack. I’d never heard him talk so much in all the years I’d known him. His voice was gruff but laced with emotion. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t for the faint-hearted.
‘I’m a Heaney too!’
said Uncle Eric, who was more than capable of holding his own, it seemed.
‘If you’ve made a balls-up on the stock market and our family home is at stake, I deserve to know the detail!’
‘For God’s sake, tell us the truth, Dad!’
Cordelia shouted over them all.
‘There’s no point beating around the bush when there’s over a hundred people due to come here in two hours. The musicians have just arrived outside, my waiting team from the catering college are on their way, and the charity is expecting this to be a big hit, so we’re not pulling the party no matter how bad it is. For crying out loud, just tell us.’
My hands are clammy and my breath quickens from my hiding place on the other side of the wall. Have they really forgotten I’m in here? Surely Cordelia can’t have when not so long ago I was spilling my heart out to her about how I’d met John.
Oh my God, John.
I closed my eyes, willing my mind to picture his face instead of only seeing Ben’s. John’s presence always calmed me down when I needed him the most. He made me laugh too, and I’d come to miss his sincerity and his one-liners since we’d said goodbye for Christmas. I’d no business being caught up in this family drama with the Heaneys. Ben Heaney was in my past; John Taylor and all our plans were my future.
So why, more than anything in the world, did I long to hold Ben closely and tell him that whatever was going on with his family, it was going to be all right?
‘There’s no way I can stand here and pretend this isn’t happening while the whole village takes over our home,’
bellowed Jack.
‘It’s a farce at this stage. The whole thing is a farce, keeping up the pretence that we’re some sort of heartbeat of the village when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. Never mind raising funds for charity, we can barely afford to keep the lights on!’
‘It’s hardly that bad, don’t exaggerate, Jack,’
said Tilda almost under her breath, but still loudly enough for me to hear.
‘You’re frightening the children.’
‘We’re not children, Mum,’
Ben chimed in.
‘I’m twenty-one years old. I deserve to know if my family’s finances are about to put us out on the street! This is our home, Dad. What are you saying? Are you really in so much trouble that we can’t afford to keep the house going?’
‘I said I can help!’
shouted Uncle Eric.
‘I don’t want your help!’
shouted Jack in return.
‘I will sort this mess out myself. I created it, so I will sort it!’
Jack’s mouth was tight and his face reddened like I’d never seen before.
‘Don’t shout at your brother when he’s offering to get us out of a mess that, like you say, you created, Jack Heaney,’
said Tilda in a tone I’d never heard her use before.
‘If you’re selfish enough to risk it all to feed your habits behind my back, then be man enough to accept help when we need it.’
I had to get out of there. I looked across the room, wondering whether, if I opened the window, I could slip out on to the lawn without falling and causing myself an injury. It was absolutely freezing outside, so the thought of lying in the frost without as much as my coat on was a risk but perhaps one I’d have to take. I didn’t want to hear any more.
But would they really cancel the party? Whatever Jack Heaney had done with the family finances, it had caused him so much shame he seemed to think that was the best idea. I felt sorry for them all already. The Heaneys were revered in this village, deeply admired and respected for their philanthropy and dedication to making it a better place, with their regular donations to local schools and churches.
‘I’m begging you, Dad,’
said Ben. I could tell he was doing his best to stay calm.
‘Let us go ahead with the party as planned. We’ve gone too far to call it off, and if we do, it will spark off more rumours and gossip than we need right now. Let’s all stay cool, get this afternoon over with and we’ll have a family meeting afterwards where we’ll decide whether or not to accept Uncle Eric’s help on this occasion.’
‘I’m not accepting a handout from my younger brother!’
said Jack.
‘I’ll get another job if I have to.’
Boy, he was more stubborn than I’d thought.
‘Well, it’s not only up to you, is it, Jack?’
said Tilda a lot more calmly.
‘We’ll deal with this absolute fiasco later. Ben’s right. We can’t call off the party. It’s too late. Let’s paint on our happiest faces and never breathe this to another. No one and I mean no one outside of this family needs to know a single thing about what we’ve discussed or the trouble we are in.’
I heard them mumble in agreement.
‘Even if I win the lotto, this will be the last party here at Ballyheaney,’
said Jack.
‘I’m on the verge of a bloody heart attack and I’m going to have to pretend I’m on top of the world.’
‘With all due respect, Dad,’
Ben suggested.
‘why don’t you sit this one out, yeah? Go upstairs and close the door until it’s all over. To be honest, I think after the mess you’ve made it would make it easier on all of us.’
There was a period of silence that felt like forever.
‘Lou!’
I heard Cordelia say as if she’d just remembered I was there.
Oh no.
I scurried across to the centre of the room where the long banquet table was already looking immaculate and started polishing cutlery like my life depended on it.
The ballroom door burst open. I wished I had headphones or something so that it looked as though I hadn’t heard a thing, but the expression on Jack Heaney’s face said it all.
He knew I’d heard every single word.
‘You can go now, Louise,’
he told me. He wasn’t rude, he wasn’t cross. He was just very much to the point.
‘This is a family matter, and you aren’t family.’
I nodded in his direction and walked past him as he stood in the doorway.
‘Dad! Lou needs to stay for the party!’
cried Cordelia.
I couldn’t look her in the eye.
‘I said this is a family matter,’
said Jack, and turned to go upstairs. Tilda walked away with her head down, while Uncle Eric followed Jack. In many ways, I was glad to be making an escape. The party was destined to be a disaster with such an atmosphere in the house.
‘Wait a minute! Lou!’
Ben called after me as I got my coat in the hallway and made my way outside as quickly as I could.
‘Lou, I need to talk to you. Lou, please don’t go.’
‘Don’t listen to my father,’
Cordelia cried out to me.
‘Lou, come back. We need you. I don’t care what you heard! I know you won’t say a thing! Lou, the party?’
My heart was thumping. Never in a million years did I think I’d exit the Heaney household like that on Christmas Eve, when it had always been the most special day of the year.
Never in a million years did I think I’d have Ben running after me while I made my way to the car, declaring his feelings once and for all.
‘Please, Lou, I love you,’
he said, following me through the sleet towards my car.
‘I came home to see you. Not for that shitshow, but to see you. Please, Lou!’
I could barely catch my breath, so I waited for him by the car, ignoring the cold that cut through me.
I decided to hear him out, but there was something I had to tell him too. Something that would change everything.
‘I love you, Lou,’
he said.
‘Forget what I’d planned for Christmas in Germany. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do Christmas without you. Please tell me you feel the same.’
I loved him so much too.
If only I could find the words to tell him this was far too little, far too late.