Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
Tess
“I should’ve called first.”
Alicia continues thumbing the motel remote, searching for a channel that’s at least twenty-five-percent static-free. We’ve landed at a seedy motel somewhere in New Mexico, where the cable is about as good as any other amenities they offer—such as a half-functioning vending machine that hums so loud I can hear it from our room half a motel away from it. It’s a far cry from the Carmen, that’s for sure, but oddly reminiscent of the Horseshoe.
Her gaze remains trained on the screen, face awash in artificial light, but she furrows her dark brows. “You called Gary two weeks ago. He was thrilled.”
I shift uncomfortably on the mattress, trying to find a spot not completely caved in by previous tenants. “I meant I should’ve called Kit.”
“Oh. Why? It’s not like he gave you a heads-up when he crashed your vacation.”
I wave my hands frenetically in the air, my feelings put to motion, then drop them onto a bedspread that will forever reek of smoke. Alicia settles on a show where people have to survive butt naked in what appears to be the Amazon rainforest with nothing but their wits and a small knife about them. I shiver as a man swallows a handful of some questionable-at-best water, knowing dysentery awaits him.
“This is unhinged behavior.”
She scoffs. “He started it.”
“I meant the show!” My head lands on a stack of lumpy pillows with a muted thud. “Has anyone ever told you that you argue like a middle schooler?”
She drops the remote onto the table between our beds and pins me with a sardonic smile. “Hazard of the day job, I’m afraid.”
I stare at my best friend, willing some of her confidence to flow across the divide and fill me instead. Ever since we left Alabama two days ago, she’s been unwaveringly excited, certain that this will be the grand romantic gesture to end all grand romantic gestures.
I, however, have been a bundle of nerves.
Turns out, letting my true nature take precedent has had a two-fold effect. It has made me 1) an absolute sop who cries at the drop of a hat and 2) an overthinking mess. With every mile that passes, bringing us closer to Loveless, I play each moment with Kit on repeat in my head, checking for signs that I built it up to be bigger than what it was.
But I always come back to him kneeling before me with his eyes cast in shadow and his jaw set with determination. I see his lips part, thin and expressive, around words that still rock me like a physical push, even in memory.
I’m in love with you whether I tell you or not. But he did tell me, and more importantly, he showed me. By walking away when the pain of doing so was written so clearly in every ridge of his muscled body, because he knew it was what I needed. By leaving the light on for me so I could find my way when I was ready.
It doesn’t take long for soft snores to spill from Alicia’s side of the room. One glance confirms my suspicions; she’s fallen fast asleep with an arm dangling over the edge of the bed, like she’s reaching for me. Alone with my thoughts and the flickering light of the television, I stare up at the yellow-stained ceiling and send silent prayers not to God but to Kit.
You were right. It isn’t over between us. It never could be. I’m coming. Please be waiting for me. I’ll be there soon. Soon. Soon.
Tomorrow, I realize with a jolting heartbeat that pitches my stomach into my throat. After weeks of packing or selling—mostly the latter—all my earthly possessions and getting everything in line to transfer ownership of my grandparents’ house to my best friend, it seems impossible that the day has come. That after what feels like a lifetime, but in reality has only been more like a month and a half, I’ll get to see Kit again. Almost a year to the date from when we first met.
For the millionth time I unlock my phone and, bypassing a notification of yet another video Mara sent to me via some app she finally convinced me to download, navigate to his unanswered messages.
It brings a strange sort of comfort to reread them. Like for as long as they exist, so did we. Physical proof of some intangible thing that we shared.
Even if Alicia is right, that I’m doing exactly what Kit did by showing up unannounced at the Carmen, it still feels wrong to go from ignoring him to standing on his doorstep, begging for another chance. I don’t allow myself to think about it for too long—an Olympic feat that I deserve at least Bronze for. I type quickly and press send before I can consider the consequences. I half expect to hyperventilate, but instead, my racing pulse calms. Just knowing that somewhere not too far from me in the world he’s reading the words I’ve written is enough for me to relax, roll onto my side, and finally succumb to sleep.
* * *
Kit
I’d wonder what on earth I’m doing here, but then, what else is new? It seems like every second since I saw my brother carted away by two cops from Mississippi has been spent questioning my sanity for one reason or another.
I know I did the right thing. In time I hope Gage will, too. But even if he doesn’t, it has to be enough for me that I did everything I could. I can’t let the actions, or inactions, of others define me anymore. That was never my burden to bear.
That’s what the new therapist says, anyway.
He’d have a field day with this, I’m sure. Me, posted up on the side of the highway that leads into Loveless, having traded assignments with another deputy just to guarantee I’d be in this exact spot per the kernel of hope that I know what Tess is implying.
I reread her text from last night, half expecting the words to change right in front of me. To prove once and for all that I’ve gone insane where she’s concerned.
Tess
Not quite a daiquiri, but I could sure go for a vanilla milkshake. Say, around three o’clock?
Did I make a gigantic leap from that message to assuming it meant she’d be here, in Loveless, at three o’clock? Sure. Would a normal person just wait for her to actually arrive and then make plans to meet up? Also sure.
I’m gone for her in a way that I swore I’d never be again. And the kicker? I don’t regret it one bit.
A car passes every five minutes or so, each one vaulting my pulse into high gear. I’m searching for something, anything familiar. Maybe Zoey slipped out of town to pick her up when I wasn’t looking. Or Gary. Or any number of his countless, conniving friends. If she’s in a rental car, I’m well and truly fucked, but anything is better than not trying at all.
I’m on the clock for thirty more minutes, but duty be damned. I’m not moving from this spot until I know for certain that she’s not coming.
Determined to make a liar out of me, a car darts past me quickly enough that it shakes the SUV. My hands tighten on the sun-warmed steering wheel, knuckles bleaching. I grind my teeth so hard I’m certain my molars will crack. Reasoning that I’ll still be able to spot her from a traffic stop is the only way I convince myself to take off after the guy.
It’s a rural, straightforward highway, so thankfully I don’t have to whip around too many corners to catch up. The speed limit out here is lower than you’d think, and out-of-towners get it wrong all the time. It’s not exactly a high-speed pursuit, but adrenaline still pumps through my veins, tightening its grip on my lungs until I let out a celebratory whoop when the driver sees my lights and hits the brakes.
Like a wild animal who’s given chase, it takes a moment for the fog of excitement and frustration in one to clear from my brain. When it does, I realize that the car is not only the exact make and model that Tess drives, but it has an Alabama license plate. What are the fucking odds of such an unlikely coincidence?
Coincidence. Or fate. After everything that’s happened, who am I to question either?
I don’t bother searching the plate. Under the glare of a hot July sun, I can make out two heads in the car. The window tint makes it difficult, but I swear I see a flash of white-blonde on the driver’s side, and my heart slams against the confines of my ribs.
I rise from my SUV on shaking legs. Though I’d love to blame it on my run this morning, I know it’s more than that. If I were an animal, I’d have scented her by now. As it stands, even without a predator’s senses, my entire body knows that it’s her.
Tess is here. In Loveless.
Screw the milkshake currently melting in my center console—mint chocolate chip, which I had to drive two towns over to find, because I know she likes it better than vanilla. Screw the oppressive heat and any cars flying past and whoever else sits in that passenger seat. I stride forward, forgetting every ounce of training in an instant, and rap my knuckles against the driver’s-side glass.
I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than that window rolling down. Like a curtain opening at the beginning of a show, or a magician’s hand unfurling to reveal your card. All things hoped and prayed for. Dreamed up, even after convincing yourself it was in your best interest not to.
“Tess,” I breathe. How many times have I uttered her name through gritted teeth, making do with my hand when all I wanted was her body beneath me? How many times have I typed it out, because I had something I wanted to tell her. Show her. Ask her. Just to backspace it into oblivion so as not to overwhelm her with this simple fact: she is all I’ve been able to think about since I walked away from that resort without her.
“Surprise,” she whispers, the corners of her mouth tilted down. “Are you upset?”
“Upset? Why the hell would I be upset?”
She shrugs. “I did show up without calling first.”
Doesn’t she know she could appear out of thin air and I’d praise whatever miracle worker made it happen? “That’s kind of our thing, wouldn’t you say?”
After a beat, those lips come alive with relief. Her smile is like dawn breaking. Brilliant white teeth. Mouth as pink as a blush, and devastatingly tempting. Dark lashes framing tear-dampened eyes, even greener than I remember them being.
I barely glimpse the woman in her passenger seat—dark hair, fair skin, hands folded together in a giddy clasp—before Tess is grabbing for the door handle and stepping out of the vehicle. Into my space. Where I can finally breathe her in after what feels like a lifetime of waiting.
Her fair brow perks up as she glances at my empty hands. “No milkshake?”
I wish I could wait. Be that kind of gentleman. But I’m not… I can’t. I force my hands into her wild hair and pull her to me, covering her mouth with mine. Sweetness floods my senses. Soft, supple skin. Coconut sunscreen. Moans that bring back a litany of images, all with her sprawled beneath me. Long, long legs and tight pink nipples and her. Always her. In the sunshine. In the salt air. In the rain. In shambles, and in laughter. Breathtaking in every form.
Our tongues tangle. She sighs, and I inhale it like the desperate man I am. I drag my teeth along her bottom lip, then kiss it better. Her hands find my jaw and she holds me there, putting an inch of space between us. Enough that our breath mingles and mixes in the emptiness.
“It’s in the car.” I keep my voice low like I’m saying something sinful.
She gasps a laugh. “What is?”
“Your milkshake.”
Sunshine splinters off her white-blonde curls like a kaleidoscope. She throws her head back, throat bobbing with laughter. Finally, when our eyes meet again, her thumb begins a slow stroke over what I know is some serious five-o’clock shadow. I couldn’t shave this morning. I was too frantic, too hopeful, for anything involving a razor blade.
“You asked me for my truth that night, Kit, and I couldn’t give it to you then,” she whispers. Her head shakes. She wets her already glistening lips. “I couldn’t give it to you because I didn’t know what it was. But I do now. My truth is that I love you. It’s also that I’m scared shitless, but I’m not letting that stop me anymore. I’m tired of just being alive. I want to live. I want a heartbreakingly full-to-the-brim life. And I want it with you.”
Hope explodes in my chest like a mortar blown sky-high. I kiss her again, because I can. Because she’s here and she’s within reach and she’s everything. Everything. How I ever thought I could live without this is beyond me.
“I love you so fucking much, Tess.” I cup her delicate jaw with one hand, cradling the base of her spine with the other. “Whatever it takes. I’ll move, to you or to somewhere brand-new. We can do long-distance till then. I’ll make it work. We’ll make it work.”
She tilts her head to the side, teeth grazing her plump bottom lip as the corners of her mouth twitch. “Here’s the thing… I might’ve already taken care of that part.”
My brow furrows. Just then, a singsong voice calls from inside the car. “And she gave her house to me, so no takesies-backsies.”
Our gazes meet with a comical snap, and we both burst into laughter.
“You didn’t?” I ask teasingly.
She nods. “Figured I’d couch surf at Gary’s place for a bit until I find something that’s right for me.”
I smooth the hair back from her face, shaking my head all the while. “You are something special, Tess Monroe. So damn special. You also fly by the seat of your pants in a way that gives me heart palpitations. But I love it.”
“Good.” She rises onto her tiptoes to kiss the bridge of my nose. “That part is definitely here to stay.”
“Just like you.”
“Mm,” she hums, lips curling into a feline smile that sets fire to my veins.
Pinching her hip with one hand, I lean over to peer through the window to her friend, who bats a tissue theatrically against her cheeks, then yelps when she realizes she’s been caught. “Sorry, I can’t help it. I just love love. ”
I offer my most charming smile, chuckling good-naturedly. “Do you mind if I place your friend under arrest?”
She waves a hand. “By all means!”
“Hey, wait!” Before Tess can protest further, I bend at the waist and snake one arm around her backside, hoisting her onto my shoulder as I rise. She slaps my butt with enough passion to spike my heart rate. “Kit! Put me down!”
I click my tongue as I approach my SUV. “No can do. You were driving way too fast. You’re a menace to society. I have to take you in for the good of all.”
“I went sixty-five on a straight highway with no other traffic. I didn’t even see the speed limit sign,” she grumbles. I can practically hear the pout in her voice.
I open my passenger-side door and drop her into the seat. Her skirt rides high up her thighs, a merciless promise of everything I’ve been missing. Of everything to come.
I fuse our lips together, grasping the back of her head and taking my fill of her until she sags in my embrace. Only then do I relent. And it takes a hell of a lot of self-control.
“Don’t you have work?” she says breathlessly.
“Only for a little while longer. And now I’ve got myself a ride-along.”
She smirks, glances over her shoulder, and then shrugs. “So long as I can have the milkshake.”
“I will buy you a milkshake every day for the rest of your life.”
Her hand flutters over her heart. “My hero.”
I lean forward to steal a final kiss. “My Tess.”
Mine to claim. Mine to love. For as long a life as we get and as good of one as we make. If that’s the only certainty I get this side of heaven, then it was worth every moment spent thinking a love like this couldn’t possibly exist.
Because now I know.