Chapter 32 Ana
Ana
“I killed Danny.”
After a year, it was odd how easily the words came out. Ana couldn’t bring herself to look up at Alex. She didn’t want to see his reaction. But it was time.
The shock of losing Raya had shaken something loose inside her. No more hiding. No more cowering, barely breathing, under the weight of guilt.
Until this moment, the only other time she’d spoken about it was during that one therapy session with Dankman.
She hadn’t told anyone else what had happened, what she’d done.
Her mom, Raya, Alex…she couldn’t break it to them.
They were grieving Danny’s loss. How could she tell them that she had caused it—that it had been her stupid idea to go into the locker room, that Danny had wanted to wait, that he would be alive now if it wasn’t for her?
How could she tell them that when Danny had needed her the most, she had let him down—she had let him die.
Now, here in this motel from hell, it had happened again. Raya was gone. Raya.
Ana’s chest burned with pain. She tried to hold an image of Raya’s face in her mind, but it was forced out by the shape on the desert floor, black hair blowing in the wind. A hollow nothingness thrown down, cast away.
Somewhere in the darkness of her mind Ana knew they’d already lost. Whether they opened the hatch and made it out or not, the game was over. Raya was dead. Danny was dead. There was no reason to hide anymore. There was nothing left to lose.
Almost nothing. There was still Alex.
It was time she told him the truth.
She fixed her eyes on a particularly nasty stain on the carpet and talked. Her voice sounded scratchy and dry to her. She went back to that day and forced herself to recount every detail. There was no hiding from it. No sugarcoating the ugly raw truth. Just the facts laid bare.
When she was done, she realized her shaking had stopped. There was an odd sensation in her arms and legs. Lightness, maybe? As though somehow the weight of it all had been lifted almost imperceptibly.
So, there it was. The truth. Hanging in the musty air between them. She had killed Danny. Now Alex knew.
There wasn’t a sound in the room. Alex hadn’t moved. Ana didn’t dare face him.
She took a long deep breath. It was her turn to wait.
It seemed an eternity before Alex stirred. He stood up and walked over to the wall where he had propped his guitar. Picking it up, he gently touched the wood, the strings.
Ana kept her eyes away from his face. She didn’t want to see his expression. What if he hated her? What would be the point?
Alex sat back down and started strumming, his fingers playing softly, finding their notes.
“I wrote this a few months after…” Alex sounded tired. He started picking slowly, a melancholy tune finding itself in his fingers. A slow rhythm picking up, like a heartbeat.
His voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. Ana turned slightly to listen.
“Give my own life just to have you back
Give it all up just to see you here
Throw it all away just for one last chance.
Give my own life just to have you back
Fall on the ground now and never stand
Lose my whole world just to save yours.
Just don’t let me fall.
Throw it all away
End it all today
Please don’t let me go.
Just don’t hide away.
Give my own life just to have you back
Give it all up just to see you here
Throw it all away just for one last chance.
Don’t let me go
Don’t let me fall
Don’t let me go.”
Alex stopped, his fingers hovering over the strings, silenced. He had spoken the best way he knew how.
Tears ran down Ana’s face. She turned to face him.
“For Danny. You wrote that for Danny.” She could barely hold her emotions together. The words stung, they bit into her soul. Give my own life just to have you back. If only she could. If only she could.
“No,” Alex said, lowering his guitar to the ground. “I wrote it for you.”
Ana glanced at him, momentarily confused.
“For…me?”
Alex nodded. He looked at his hands, as if wishing they could speak for him.
“What happened to Danny…we couldn’t…no one could change that.
We all had a part to play, you know? Yeah, we’re all guilty or could have done something differently.
But not really. Not if you think about it.
We loved Danny. Ana, we still do. We would never, ever have tried to hurt him. Wherever he is now, he knows that.”
Wherever he is now. Ana closed her eyes, her mind reaching, searching for her twin.
“I wrote the song for you, Ana. When Danny died, I didn’t just lose my best friend.
I lost both of you…and it was too much.” Alex reached out his hand and gently took hers.
For the first time, Ana dared to look up at him; his eyes held hers.
“I loved Danny. But I loved you too. I’ve always loved you.
” His thumb softly stroked the palm of her hand.
For once, Ana didn’t feel the need to pull away. Her mind was racing, processing. She’d told him everything, her horrific secret, and he was still here.
“You don’t…hate me?” She had to say it.
Alex shook his head and smiled. “You have to ask?”
A year. It was a long time to carry this. It wouldn’t go away, ever. But the weight was lifting. Wherever Danny is now, he knows I love him. He knows.
For the first time in a year, Ana felt like the broken parts of her were pulling together. Not complete. Not a whole. But close enough to feel just the smallest corner of herself, of who she had been before.
Alex leaned into her, his head falling on her shoulder, his curly hair on her cheek. She breathed him in, deeply. She remembered him. She remembered herself. The way he made her feel.
Like coming home after a long, dark journey.
There was no stopping it. Ana turned into Alex’s arms. Their lips found each other. They pushed together, clinging to each other; passion, desire, and grief shared between them.
Wrapped up into each other, they fell back, fingers curling into hair, breathing each other in.
No words were needed.
Soon enough they would have to face what was in front of them. The next hour would tick away and bring whatever sick cocktail of pain and fear was waiting for them. But just for now, for this moment in time, there was only love.
No more, no less.