Chapter 37 Alex
Alex
As Ellis tied the lamp cord to the knot on the death machine, Alex watched disinterestedly, as though from a distance. He was calm and silent, wrapped up in his thoughts.
An idea had grabbed hold of him. Something he’d thought about a lot after Danny died.
There had to be grace in death. What else was there? When there was no hope left, when you faced the end. There could only be grace. Danny had died so quickly, so brutally, he’d had no control. But Alex could die with dignity.
He wouldn’t fight Ellis. What would be the point? He couldn’t win. Besides, what would life be like without love, without friends? All he’d have were the memories, the ghosts, and he didn’t want to live with them.
But there was still something within his control. He could choose to be true to himself, right up until the end. That was all he had left to him. That was his grace.
Ellis’s hands worked fast and efficiently. He kept glancing up at Alex, studying his face.
“You know what I’m doing?” Ellis said as he tied the last knot.
Alex nodded.
Ellis stood up, stepping back to admire his handiwork. He seemed bothered by Alex’s lack of interest.
“You do understand that you’re about to die?”
Again, Alex nodded calmly. He gazed out across the desert.
It was changing. They had been so wrapped up in the day, he hadn’t noticed the passing of time.
The air was cooling, there were colors in the sand and in the sky.
Colors that hadn’t been there before. If you stopped to look, it was as though time was unfolding in front of you.
It was stark, but beautiful. A good place to die.
Ellis walked over to the tractor and sat on the upended chassis, the front wheel within easy reach.
He wriggled a little, settling himself, legs astride, like a cowboy riding a metal steed.
His fingers reached out and rested poignantly on the wheel.
He set his phone carefully against the metal, propped so the countdown numbers were visible, ticking away the final hour.
“I don’t get you, Alex. All I need to do is turn this wheel and your life is over. Your life. Everything gone. Don’t you give a fuck?”
Alex shrugged. He didn’t have to make conversation.
“Fine.” Ellis seemed irritated by the lack of response. He grabbed the wheel, jerking it around hard. The rope tightened on the cord, pulling Alex’s hands up and dragging him a few feet closer to the line.
Abruptly, Ellis stopped. The rope stopped moving.
A cat toying with a mouse before eating it. Alex shuffled himself back into a sitting position and turned back to the desert. He wouldn’t show fear. He wouldn’t give Ellis the satisfaction of breaking him.
After all, this couldn’t go on much longer.
Everyone was gone now. It was just the two of them.
This was the final countdown, and Ellis would be free to leave as soon as Alex was in the back of the red truck.
There was no reason to stretch this out, other than for the sadistic pleasure of taunting Alex with imminent death, and if he didn’t respond, it would get boring quickly.
How long would a cat keep playing if the mouse just lay still?
Ellis jumped off the tractor and started pacing, glancing across at Alex from time to time. He checked his Rolex for the fiftieth time.
“See this watch?” Ellis held his wrist up so Alex could see it.
“This was a gift from my father. He gave it to me when I was ten and I came out to him. He told me I was going to need to be tougher, faster, and smarter than everyone around me because I would never be accepted otherwise.” Ellis gave a short, sharp laugh and rubbed the face of the expensive watch lovingly.
“Well, this Rolex is the last present my father ever gave me. It was the year my mother died. Oh, I’ve had random generic gifts ordered by his assistants for my birthdays.
But nothing more from the big man himself.
Always too busy saving the fucking world to remember he has a son.
” Ellis walked up to Alex and sat down in the sand next to him.
Alex stayed quiet. Relieved. It was strangely comforting listening to Ellis’s self-indulgent ramblings. It gave him something to think about other than imminent death.
“Do you want to know something? After the fire, my dear father never even came to the hospital. I could have died, but he didn’t give a fuck.
All he’s ever cared about is his job. The truth is, Alex, I disappoint him.
I can see it in his eyes. No matter what I say or do, it’s not good enough for him. ”
Alex bit his lip, willing himself to stay quiet. It was all too human. Too flawed. Ellis had systematically brought them down because he had a massive chip on his shoulder.
“You poor kids have it so easy.” Ellis was still ranting, enjoying his captive audience.
“No one expects anything of you. You so much as scratch your ass; they give you a fucking medal. The whole system is skewed in your favor, set up to scrape you off the bottom and give you every chance—and you know what else? It’s skewed against people like me, just because I wasn’t born in the gutter.
It’s designed to cut me off at the knees and bring me down to the level of every other broke loser out there.
I could cure cancer and it wouldn’t matter.
It will never be enough. I will never be enough. ”
Alex laughed. He couldn’t help it.
“You think it’s funny?” Ellis shouted. He leaped up; Alex half-expected him to walk over and end the game right here, right now with his bare hands. Maybe a part of him wanted it.
But instead, Ellis started pacing again. Why didn’t he just get on with it? What was he waiting for?
“You know, I saw your place once. When I picked Danny up from his apartment. We went over to see if you were home. Your grandma opened the door. She offered us cookies. Nice lady.” Ellis had recovered his composure a little.
Alex felt a shot of nerves. Where was Ellis going with this? Was he moving on to the psychological torture phase? Not enjoying the physical threat enough and trying a new approach? He felt queasy. This was much more dangerous territory.
Ellis walked closer, squatting down by Alex’s sandy Converse. He faced him directly, pushing close, staring into his eyes. There was nowhere for Alex to hide.
“Believe it or not, out of all of us here, you’re one of the lucky ones.
People care about you, and when you’re dead, someone out there is going to actually give a fuck.
It’s almost tragic. Your grandma seemed like a sweet lady—decent and kind.
She’s really going to miss you when she finds out you’re dead… her little Alejandro.”
It was working. Ellis was getting under his skin. Alex ached inside at the thought of home, of Abuela. Losing him would destroy her. He was all she had left.
Ellis must have sensed his power. He smiled.
“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll tell her you died quickly and with honor. I won’t give her the gruesome details. I’ll visit her in person, hold her hand while she cries…eat some more of those damn fine cookies…”
That crossed the line. Alex met Ellis’s eyes squarely for the first time.
He was done listening.
“You really think you’re a victim, Ellis?
” His voice was still croaky from the smoke.
“We all have shit to deal with. When I was growing up, my dad drank. A few years ago, he lost his job and was so down about it, he’d get high and then come home and take it out on my mom and me.
One time, he was ragging on me…my mom tried to stop him, and he beat her so badly, she nearly died.
He got a five-year sentence, but my mom…
she was never the same again. It broke something in her, and she left.
My abuela took me in but is too sick to work and can’t afford to look after us.
I work three part-time jobs to pay for our food and rent, and even then, sometimes it’s not enough.
But you know what? You were right about one thing.
It is a real home. A shit one, but a real one, because I love my abuela, I love my mom, wherever she is…
and, god help me, I love my dad—even though I would give anything not to. ”
Tears of frustration filled his eyes. He could hear that song playing in his head, all the anger, the rage and desperate frustration. Look where that had got him. Too much pain in the world. Too much hurt. You could only do your best. Grace.
His next words were quiet, almost whispered.
“I get so angry sometimes. So angry. But I can’t choose what my dad did, or my mom.
I can’t control what happened to my family, but I can choose not to be bitter.
I can do that. That’s my choice. Sometimes, that’s all I have.
So, you want to sit here and have a pity party—you go right ahead.
No one cares about you, Ellis, because you don’t care about anyone else.
If you don’t have a real home, it’s because you never made one.
Don’t you see? Living with all the anger, surviving by any means necessary, doing the things you’ve done…
that’s not strength. It’s not how long you live that matters—it’s how you live.
It’s what you do with the time that’s given to you, however short. ”
He’d said his piece. He was done.
He looked back out across the line, away from Ellis, away from the Motel Loba. A deep feeling of heaviness settled over him. Exhaustion. If he could just close his eyes and let this play out. Once and for all.
“Nicely played.” Ellis’s voice cut into Alex’s thoughts.
“You almost had me. Right up until the end.” Ellis stood abruptly and walked over to the death machine, swinging his long legs over the top.
“I’d never pegged you as a manipulator, Alex.
Always thought you were a bit clueless to be honest. But that speech—that was masterful.
Do the right thing, Ellis. Make good choices, Ellis.
Did you think that would make me change my mind?
That I would do what? Spare you? Sacrifice myself? Die with honor? Fuck that.”
Ellis’s hand was back on the wheel. His fingers twitching restlessly.
“You see, the problem with your lovely speech is…I can’t do the right thing, or make a cookie-filled home, or even make my dear father love me if I’m dead, now, can I?”
Alex didn’t bother turning to look at him. He locked his eyes on the horizon.
“Whatever, Ellis. Do what you have to do. Tell yourself what you have to hear. Let’s get this over with.” He closed his eyes. “Just do it.”
The longer this took, the harder it was.
Thoughts kept sneaking into his head, messing with him.
Little chinks of hope or memories, pieces of who he was, kept rising up.
Fear of dying, of ending like this, tore at him.
He didn’t want to die. He wanted to live.
Desperately. He knew that as surely as he knew anything in this moment.
But he couldn’t make that choice. He could only choose grace.
Hold on to yourself. Hold on to your truth. He had to. It was all he had left.
He listened for the sound of the wheel turning, a gentle creak as the rope extended and started to pull. But there was nothing. Still nothing.
“Just do it, Ellis.”
Any second now. The wheel would start. He felt the sun on his face, one last time. He breathed in the cooling air, the salty desert wind. If he licked his lips, he could almost taste it. One last time.
Still nothing.
What was Ellis waiting for? What?
Why wasn’t he dead yet? It didn’t make any sense. He was the last. After he crossed the line, the game would be over. Ellis would be free to go. The victor. There was no reason to stretch this out. No reason to keep it going. Unless…
Alex suddenly laughed.
“I’m so stupid. Of course, it’s obvious, isn’t it?
” He shook his head. Why had it taken him so long to figure this out?
“You can’t kill me yet, can you? There’s a reason why I’m still alive.
The game isn’t over when I cross the line because I’m not the last one…
” Alex paused here. Could he say it aloud?
Did he dare? “She’s not dead…is she? Ana’s still alive… ”
“I don’t know,” Ellis said quietly.
The way he said it—Alex believed him.
“You didn’t find a body. You didn’t find Ana.” Alex’s mind was racing. “Jesus, she made it! She figured out the code and made it into the bunker. She’s alive!” He started laughing so hard he broke into a fit of coughing. He didn’t care. There was still a chance. Still hope.
“I said, I don’t fucking know. She probably burned to a crisp in the fire. Just because I didn’t find a body, doesn’t mean she’s not dead.” Ellis jumped to his feet and kicked at the dirt. He looked furious.
Alex was still laughing. He knew Ana. If there was no body, then she was still alive. She was too smart to die like that. He had to believe that, to believe in her.
Ellis looked like he was ready to spin the wheel and be done. But he couldn’t yet. He needed to keep his hostage alive for as long as possible, just in case Ana showed up. It could prove to be a tactical advantage; Ana would never do anything to hurt Alex, and Ellis knew it.
“Does it fucking matter? Even if she survived, which is unlikely, she won’t survive the next hour.” He turned to face Alex squarely. “You see, you’re her weak spot, Alex. She’ll come out of hiding for you—and when she does, I’m going to finish the game. Once and for all.”
Alex just shrugged. The power had shifted.
“Maybe I can’t stand up to you and win. But Ana?
She’s beaten you at every turn. She’s smarter and stronger than you will ever be.
If she’s alive, if she made it to the bunker, then you’re the one who needs to be afraid, because she’s mad at you, for Raya, for what you’re doing to me.
She’s so mad…and you want to know something else?
When she comes—and she will come, it won’t be for me.
” Alex turned to look at Ellis through his curtain of dark hair, a smile on his lips. “She’ll be coming for you.”