4. Cinder-Silas
4
Cinder-Silas
Late Saturday morning, I circled the Concord parking lot for the second time as I searched for a spot to park Mabel. The lot was packed for the NLC meet, an important competition as the swim season wrapped up for the year. The points earned tonight would determine who could go farther to Sectionals and later to State. Our school hadn’t sent a diver to State in years, but Coach Kane was hopeful Ben, and maybe Julian, would qualify.
Buses from all the schools in the county lined the edges of the parking lot, empty of their students. The meet had started at ten o’clock, but Ben wouldn’t be diving until closer to lunchtime. Hence why I struggled to find a parking spot.
To be honest, the last place I wanted to be right now was in a crowded pool room. But Ben wanted me—needed me—here for support. So here I was.
Beating out a shiny Volvo for a parking spot out near the soccer field, I shut down the engine and hopped out of my truck into the late winter air. Slushy snow soaked through my sneakers, and I hopped over icy puddles of stagnant water. By the time I made it to the gym entrance of the school, I was shivering, and my fingers were stiff.
I texted Esther, then followed signs to the Olympic-sized pool room. It was the second-largest high school aquatic center in the county.
As I came upon the entrance to the pool room, I caught sight of purple-streaked hair. Esther waved at me, looking like a grungy Polly Pocket in a black flared skirt over holey, black leggings and sturdy boots. She wore a zip-up hoodie that had to belong to Ronnie given how it hung off her slimmer frame and a red shirt with our school mascot on the front.
“Hey,” I said as she stepped toward me for a hug.
“Hi, Silas. It’s good to see you.”
Our hug lasted longer than a normal greeting embrace, and I sighed. It was the first time I’d seen her in person since “the incident.” I tightened my hold for a moment, and she rubbed my back. When we parted, she kept her arm wrapped around my middle.
“How are you?” she asked above the din of echoed shouts from the pool room.
“I’m good.” I brushed the crest of her cheek with my knuckle, before stepping out of her hold.
Her arms dropped to her sides, and she picked at the flaking purple polish on her thumb nail. “Yeah?”
I shrugged. “Good as can be expected, I guess.”
She cringed but nodded. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”
“Thanks,” I muttered, feeling self-conscious. “Um, let me buy a ticket.” I gestured at the scrawny kid sitting at the entrance booth, popping his gum as he played on his phone.
He looked up as I handed him a five dollar bill. Wordlessly, he handed over my change and a paper ticket for the meet. Then he went back to playing on his phone.
“Charming,” I muttered under my breath, and Esther snorted.
“Come on. Ben will be diving soon,” Esther said, and I waved her forward.
“Ladies first.”
She walked in ahead of me with an eye roll.
Iris—Julian’s girlfriend—and Kim stood on the lowest level of the bleachers at the railing, cheering as swimmers sprinted freestyle down their lanes. I searched through the plethora of student-athletes until I caught sight of Ben. He was at the farthest corner with his team, nodding to something Coach Kane was saying. He’d shed his swim parka, standing in nothing but that damn little Speedo.
“Where’s Caroline?” I asked as I joined Kim.
“She couldn’t make it. Jordan had to babysit his siblings, and Harris didn’t want to come.” Kim bumped my shoulder. “But I’m here.”
“That’s all that matters,” I said, and she simpered.
“Exactly.”
As the pool cleared of swimmers and the lane dividers were removed, I leaned over the railing and waved my arms wildly in hopes of catching Ben’s attention. But he wasn’t scanning the crowd. He was focused, shaking out his arms, stretching his legs. Swimmers from Central sat below me in the pool area, and I heard several gasps.
“Oh my God, that’s him,” a girl said in a too-loud whisper.
I looked their way, and three sets of eyes darted away from me as the girls huddled their heads together. My throat felt too tight. I knew the picture had spread like wildfire. In this age of technology, it was impossible to contain it, but the fact strangers from a completely different school recognized me because of—
I backed away from the railing, cheeks warming with humiliation. Unable to stop myself, I scrutinized the crowd around me. No one seemed to be paying me extra attention, but I couldn’t help but wonder how many had seen the picture of me and Ben fucking.
“Ben’s looking for you.” Esther shook my shoulder, and I jerked out of the paranoid daze.
“Huh?”
“Ben,” she said, pointing toward the pool.
Returning to my spot at the railing, I surveyed the group of divers gathering near the diving boards. I met ocean blue eyes, and Ben smiled. I waved, and he blew me a kiss. The buzz of whispers below me rose in volume, but I ignored it. It didn’t matter. They and their opinions didn’t matter.
Or so I told myself.
I removed my hoodie and wiggled my chest so Ben could see my ‘Go Ben!’ tank top. His grin widened until it threatened to tear his face in half. He mouthed, “I love you,” and, feeling utterly ridiculous, I made a heart shape with my fingers and held it high enough for him to see.
“They’re adorable.” Iris simpered.
“I know, right?” Esther snickered.
Kim pretended to wipe a tear from her eye. “My boy’s all grown up and in love.”
I flipped them all off.
It took ages to get through all fourteen divers, but when it was finally Ben’s turn, I cheered until my voice was hoarse. He moved with precision, his face calm and placid as he concentrated on his execution. I watched, mesmerized at the way he twisted and twirled his body through the air. He was grace and power and beauty. As always, I was left breathless at the sight of him.
In the end, Ben placed fourth out of fourteen. Julian came in seventh. We screamed their names with gusto as they were announced and gifted points for their team.
We sat through the rest of the meet until Ronnie and Julian were on deck for the final race, the 100-meter medley relay. Julian began with the backstroke, and we screamed his name. Ronnie jumped into the water the moment Julian touched the wall.
A guy I didn’t recognize sprinted through the breaststroke, and I almost swallowed my tongue when Ben jumped onto the starting block and secured a pair of goggles onto his head. Every once in a while, Ben would fill in during a freestyle race, mostly for fun. I didn’t expect him to race at a conference meet, though.
The moment the breaststroker’s fingertips brushed the wall, Ben was off like a torpedo, diving cleanly through the water. I cheered him on as he sprinted down the lane, executing a near-perfect flip turn and shooting off the wall once more. I’d never seen him swim so fast.
On his last twenty-five meters, he gave every ounce of strength and speed he had, and when he smashed his hand against the wall, stopping the clock, his team roared. They’d come first in their heat. Fifth overall.
Our little group of supporters screamed as the points were awarded. I wasn’t sure if the team qualified for Sectionals. I didn’t know how good Ben had to be to dive at State. But we cheered anyway.
As the meet ended, my bladder protested, and I ducked out of the humid pool room. I nearly got lost in my search for the bathroom, but I finally found one and did my business. On the walk back, I bumped into Esther.
“There you are,” she said.
“Here I am. Are the guys done already?” I looked past her, but other than a crowd of parents and other bystanders, I didn’t spot any athletes.
“No, they still need to shower and stuff. I was just wondering if you’d gotten lost,” she teased.
“Har, har.” I took her hand in mine and started down the hall once more. “Where’s Kim?”
“She’s waiting at the front with Iris.”
I started heading that direction, but the hallways were crowded. Walking around a group of parents talking, I turned back to make sure Esther was okay and ended up running right into someone.
“Shit, sorry.” I faced forward again, my hand automatically reaching out to steady the guy I’d smacked into. I met a pair of familiar green eyes, and I froze.
“Silas?” Eli said, equally surprised to see me.
Horror washed over me, and I jerked my hand back from his arm like he’d burned me. “Eli.”
My ex crossed his arms over his slender chest, pouty lips curling into a smile. His gaze raked over me, from my messy hair to my ‘Go Ben!’ tank top, ending at my still damp sneakers. When his eyes returned to my face, he bit his bottom lip.
“Hey, you.”
And I couldn’t make my mouth move.
I hadn’t seen Eli since we’d broken up months ago. He had more piercings now, his right ear lined with five silver hoops along his cartilage instead of three. His butterscotch hair was meticulously styled, and he’d painted his nails to match Concord’s school colors. He wore a shirt with Concord’s mascot with the bottom cut off, making it a crop top, and his jeans were so tight they looked painted on.
He was shorter than me now, which was weird. We’d always been the same height. When had I outgrown him?
Cocking his hip to the side, he grinned wider, enjoying my perusal. He’d always been an arrogant little prick, but he came by it honestly. He looked good, and he knew it.
“It’s good to see you, Silas,” he said, nibbling his bottom lip. “You look good.”
“Hey,” I said, hating the reedy quality in my voice.
Attention shifting to Esther at my side, he noticed our linked hands and arched an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me I fucked you straight.”
The back of my neck warmed, but I ignored it as I demanded, “What are you doing here?”
“I do go to this school, you know?” He stretched a hand to Esther. “Hi there, I’m Eli.”
“Esther.” She shook his hand, releasing him quickly.
“What are you doing here?” I repeated.
He waved his hand toward the pool room. “I volunteered to man the entrance booth for an hour. My shift just ended. What are you doing here?”
“Friends are on the team,” I said, and Esther’s stare burned the side of my head.
“Our boyfriends are on the team,” she said with an almost challenging air, and Eli’s brows rose higher.
“Boyfriend?” The disbelief lacing Eli’s tone was borderline offensive.
I squeezed Esther’s hand. “Can you give us a sec?”
“The guys will be out soon,” she said.
“I know. I’ll just be a minute.”
When our eyes met, hers narrowed, but she nodded. “Okay. I’ll meet you at the front.”
“It was nice meeting you. I’m gagging over your boots,” Eli said with a finger wave.
“Thanks,” she said flatly. “Don’t be too long, Silas.”
“Yeah.” I gave a reassuring nod as she backed away. Once she was out of earshot, I turned back to Eli. “Eli—”
“Boyfriend, huh?” he said. “Like, for real? Dinners, flowers, and kisses goodnight?”
The mirth dancing in his eyes pissed me off. “Yeah, for real. All that shit.”
“Wow, I didn’t think you had it in you.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t know me,” I said.
With a tittering laugh, he leaned in. “I know you, Silas. Or have you forgotten?”
No, I hadn’t forgotten. But our past didn’t mean shit. We’d fucked, yeah, but we didn’t know each other. I knew he had a mole on the inside of his right thigh and that gliding my fingertips over the back of his neck would turn him on. I knew he liked to get rough sometimes, tugging my hair just right while he fucked me. I knew what he sounded like when he came. But that was it. It was nothing compared to how I knew Ben, how Ben knew me.
“I’ve thought about you a lot over the past couple months. Almost called you a few times.”
Eli’s admission astonished me. “What?”
“I’ve missed you.”
“Missed me?” I laughed, but it was an ugly sound. “You mean, you missed fucking me?”
With a laugh, he reached out to trail a finger down my arm. “I’ve missed a lot about you, but sure, the fucking was good.”
“Don’t.” I jerked away from his touch, checking over my shoulder.
I caught sight of Ben as he spoke with an older gentleman who looked like he may have been one of the diving judges. But he hadn’t seen me yet.
“Is that him? Damn, you did good. He’s a real Wonder Boy, isn’t he?” My responding glare made Eli grin gleefully. “Is he the real deal? Does he make your heart pitter-patter?”
“Shut up, Eli. He makes me happy, which is a shit-ton more than I can say about you.”
Pouting, he stepped back a step. “Now you’re just trying to hurt my feelings. But I know you, Silas, no matter how much you wish I didn’t. We’re cut from the same cloth.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. So when you get bored playing house with Wonder Boy, give me a call, okay?” He shuffled forward, his shoulder almost brushing my chest.
I refused to step away. “Don’t hold your breath.”
He smiled up at me, tickled pink at my clear rejection. Then he craned his head around me, looking in Ben’s direction. “Guys like us don’t get happy endings, you know. We don’t get the guy or live happily ever after. It’s not in the cards for people like us, which is exactly why, when he gets tired of slumming it with us mortals, your Wonder Boy will move on with another Wonder Boy. And they’ll have pretty, perfect Wonder Babies and forget all about us commoners. It’s how the world works, Silas. Best get used to it.”
“That what you told Sam?” I shouldn’t have said it, shouldn’t have brought Sam into it, but I couldn’t help it.
To my surprise, his expression hardened with bitterness. “No, it’s what I learned from Sam. You think I’m a selfish bastard, and I won’t deny that I am, but Sam wasn’t an innocent victim. He may have been my Prince Charming, but I wasn’t his. And true to form, he moved on with someone else, someone better. Would have been nice if he’d told me first, but you know”—he glared down at his shoes—“like I said, that’s how the world works for people like us. We don’t get happy endings.”
He spoke with such conviction, and his words seeped into my brain like poison. I’d never believed in happily ever after. That was fairytale shit. But happy for now? Happy for a little while? That had to count for something.
“You don’t know a thing about him,” I heard myself say. “And you don’t know anything about me.”
Eli shrugged. “Well, maybe I’m full of shit and you’re the one in a million, like Cinderella.” I grimaced at the comparison, and he knocked my arm with his elbow. “But just remember that there were hundreds of other girls at that ball, and Prince Charming danced with all of them. And I bet each and every one of them thought they were the heroine of the story, that they were special. But they weren’t, and they went home alone and miserable in the end.”
“Just because you’re miserable doesn’t mean I am,” I said as Ben’s gaze met mine. His expression pinched in concern, and I watched him excuse himself from his conversation, shaking the man’s hand. I turned back to Eli. “Maybe he’s not here forever. But he’s here now. That has to mean something.”
“You say that now. Just wait till he’s gone.” Eli added space between us as Ben approached, blue eyes darting between me and Eli. “Well, hello. I hear you’re the boyfriend.”
Eli offered his hand, and Ben took it warily. “Uh, yeah. I’m Ben.”
“Wonder Boy is named. Nice to meet you, Ben. I’m Eli.” Ben’s reaction was visceral, and Eli chuckled. “I see my reputation precedes me. I do hope he said some good things along with the bad.”
Ben’s smile was brittle. “He never really talks about you, to be honest.”
Eli sent me an exaggerated pout. “Well, that’s not very nice, now is it?”
“Jesus Christ,” I muttered, and Eli chuckled again.
“Oh, lighten up. I’m just teasing.” He turned to Ben, jerking his thumb in my direction. “He’s always so grouchy, isn’t he?”
Ben didn’t reply.
With a flourish of his perfectly painted nails, he said, “Well, Silas and I were just catching up. So fucked up about that photo, oh my God!” Eli shuddered, and both Ben and I stiffened. “Administration cracked down hard here, and anyone who got caught with it on their phone got suspended. They had an assembly about it. They talked about revenge porn. It was awkward.”
“Great,” I ground out, tugging on Ben’s arm. “We should go. The others are waiting on us.”
“Yeah, okay,” Ben whispered.
“Well, it was nice meeting you, Wonder Boy,” Eli said with a sugar sweet smile. “Silas, you have my number. Think about what I said, okay?”
“Not on your life,” I muttered under my breath. To Ben, I said, “Let’s go.”
We pushed through the crowd, and I couldn’t resist glancing over my shoulder. Eli stood where we’d left him, but when our stares clashed, he smiled and waved. I turned away.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “I didn’t know he’d be here.”
Ben took my hand to make sure we didn’t get separated. “Why are you apologizing? It wasn’t your fault. It just threw me, I guess.”
“Yeah, me too,” I admitted.
Pulling me to a stop, Ben cupped my cheek. “Are you okay?”
“Oh, yeah. He’s just… Eli. It doesn’t matter.” I said the words, wishing I believed them as much as my voice conveyed. But in the back of my mind, the doubts and insecurities whispered and grew.
Magic wasn’t real. Happily-ever-after’s didn’t exist.
Not for people like me.
Poor Cinder-Silas. He wanted to be that special one in a million. But he wasn’t the hero of his story. He was just some sucker who attended the ball but went home alone in the end. No glass Converse. No Prince Ben. Nothing but one dance that felt so promising and full of hope before the clock struck midnight and the illusion shattered.