9. Losing Ben
9
Losing Ben
It took all my energy to get up Monday morning, dress, and drag myself to my truck. I never thought I was one for melodramatics, but I wanted nothing more than to return to my bed and hide under my covers for the foreseeable future. It was like the cold of the passing winter had found a new home inside my soul.
Squeezing the steering wheel until my knuckles whitened, I told myself to suck it up. People had break-ups all the time, and they survived it. If I could live through watching my mother walk out the door without a goodbye, getting sexually assaulted twice by my arch-nemesis, and having my most personal moments displayed for all to see as a result of said asshole stalking me, I could live through this.
I could survive losing Ben.
With this in mind, I threw my backpack over my shoulder and splashed through the slush-covered sidewalk toward the school. For the first time in months, I walked through those doors without Ben at my side. Traversing the halls alone was surprisingly scary. I’d grown used to the security that Ben’s presence provided, and I felt vulnerable without it.
I kept my head down through the first half of the day. I didn’t look for Ben in the hallways. I barely paid attention to my classes, doodling in my notebooks instead. I refused to acknowledge the sorrow clawing at my chest, trying to break through the ice numbing my heart.
Not even remotely hungry, I grabbed a soda from the vending machine before plopping down in a seat at the lunch table. Ben wasn’t there, and Kim cocked her head, her dark eyes narrowing. Ben and I had been inseparable for months, but I didn’t have the heart to explain his absence. So I looked away, tearing at the bottle’s label with my thumb nail.
When Ronnie slid into one of the seats next to me, I gaped at him. Why wasn’t he sitting at the swim table where I assumed Ben was? He smiled, but it immediately fell into a frown.
“You okay?” he asked.
I hummed noncommittally and nodded. He frowned harder.
“Where’s Ben?”
“Uh.” I looked over my shoulder, searching the lunchroom. “He wasn’t in class with you?”
Ronnie shook his head. “I haven’t seen him all morning.”
“Oh.”
“So where is he?” He watched me expectantly.
I tried not to grimace. “Last time I saw him, he was hungover and jetlagged. Maybe he’s skipping.”
Ronnie’s eyes narrowed behind his glasses, the gears churning. “Hungover?”
I wasn’t remotely interested in expounding on anything, so I shrugged again and refocused on tearing the label off my soda. The table was quieter than it should have been, and I lifted my gaze, startling when I found everyone staring at me.
“Where’s Ben?” Jordan asked, chowing down on his fries like he hadn’t a care in the world.
“I don’t know,” I bit out, foregoing nonchalance for outright aggression. “I’m not Ben’s keeper.”
“But he’s your boyfrie—ow!” He cowered away from Kim when she punched him in the shoulder.
“Read the room, Jordan!” she hissed.
“Stop hitting me, woman! I’m too high for this,” he squawked, and I slumped low in my chair, wishing I was anywhere but here.
Ronnie was glaring at his phone. Caroline was glaring at Jordan. Jordan was whimpering, and Harris looked confused. Kim’s expression was devastated. And then there was me, staring transfixed at the soda label that lay in tatters on the table before me.
“Shit.” Ronnie stood from his chair, eyes locked on the doors to the cafeteria.
Against my better judgment, I followed his gaze and winced. Ben had just entered the room, and he looked like shit. His blond waves were a mess, his sweatpants and shirt rumpled like he’d literally rolled out of bed before coming to school. The circles under his eyes were so pronounced I could see them from here. Like me, he hadn’t slept a wink last night.
“Sorry, Silas,” Ronnie said, genuinely remorseful as he left the table and made his way toward a lost-looking Ben.
“Oh, I get it now.” Jordan blinked blearily behind his hipster glasses. “Dude, that sucks.”
“Drop it,” I snapped, and everyone looked away from me.
Lunch was a painfully quiet and awkward affair, and I escaped as quickly as I could. I took refuge in the bathroom, lowering the lid of the toilet and sitting down. I allowed myself a moment to break before forcing the pieces back together and sealing the cracks.
Pulling out my phone, I sent a text to Ben, wishing I hadn’t but knowing it needed to be done. I didn’t expect him to answer, but he did almost immediately. My stomach knotted with dread, but I shoved it aside to deal with later.
By the time the school day ended, I was nauseous, and I couldn’t stop shivering. The ice in my veins had soaked deeper into my bones, and I feared I’d never be warm again.
Ben was waiting for me by my truck, leaning against the nose in his winter coat and fuzzy hat. His backpack sat at his feet, and my winter coat was in his hands. At least he’d thought to bring it. I was dead frozen in Will’s hoodie as the biting wind whipped around me.
He didn’t notice me right away, too busy gazing sadly at his feet. I was a mere yard away when he finally lifted his gaze and saw me. His features twisted into a complicated expression. There was guilt there. Sorrow. Shame. Hope. Yearning.
I severed eye contact. I could barely handle my emotions, let alone shoulder his.
“Hey,” he said, voice hoarse, as he straightened off my truck.
Hunkered against the cold, I cleared my throat. “Hey.”
“You left this at my house.” He handed me my coat.
I took it and slipped it on. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
We stood in awkward silence for a moment as every molecule in my body strained to close the distance between us. It looked as if Ben was having the same battle as he subconsciously leaned toward me, the angle so severe I feared he’d lose his balance and fall on his face.
Having no idea how to do this since I’d never actually gone through a real break-up before, I didn’t say anything else as I walked toward the passenger door of my truck and unlocked it. On the seat was a cardboard box holding every physical memory of Ben I possessed. His beanie sat atop his California hoodie as the Christmas calendar was shoved into the corner of the box along with all the physical pictures I had.
I tugged the box out of the truck and rounded on Ben, finding him standing on the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets. The moment his blue eyes landed on the box, his face fell and his eyes watered. I forced myself not to care as I stepped up to him, offering him the box.
“This is everything I have of yours,” I said robotically. “If you have any clothes of mine, I want them back.”
“Silas—”
“Just take the damn box.” I lifted my gaze to meet his decimated one. “Don’t make a scene. Just take it.”
As if he was compelled to obey me, he reached out and took the weight of the box from my arms. I jerked away to make sure we didn’t touch, relinquishing the memories once and for all.
“These were gifts,” he choked out, flinching away as he saw his California hoodie sitting atop the pile.
“And I don’t want them,” I retorted coldly, shutting the passenger door after I tossed my backpack inside. “Have a nice life, Ben.”
Not wanting to stand here in the cold with him another moment, I walked around his frozen body without another word. Before I could head back to the school for musical rehearsal, Ben’s whispered accusation on the breeze stopped me mid-step. “Is this really so easy for you?”
I glowered at him over my shoulder as he stared at me like he didn’t recognize me at all. “Easy?” I scoffed out a serrated laugh. “This is the farthest thing from easy.”
His eyes flooded with tears, and one escaped, trickling down his cheek. “You can’t just erase me like the past few months didn’t happen.”
“Maybe not, but I can try to forget,” I said.
Ben curled in on himself. “I don’t want to forget.”
“Well, I do,” I said, hating the way my breath hitched.
One second of anguish was all he gave me before everything shut down. His voice was dead as he said, “I know it won’t make a difference to you, but I need you to know that I’m sorry.”
“You’re right.” I backed up and shrugged. “It doesn’t make a difference.”
I turned on my heels and left him standing alone in the parking lot, holding the shards of our broken relationship in one lonely box. He didn’t call after me. He didn’t chase me down. He didn’t move a muscle. When I pushed through the school doors, he was still standing by my truck, staring after me, his tears freezing on his cheeks.
With the musical underway. I directed my stage crew with a vengeance as the thespians practiced the musical numbers in the choir room. Back stage, I had a few underclassmen training under me to take over for next year, after I graduated. Amber, the junior Jordan had brought as his date to the winter dance, would be helping me in the sound booth.
I appreciated the distraction, but it didn’t last long enough. Kim was waiting for me in the wings of the stage as I sent my crew home for the day. Avoiding her knowing gaze, I shrugged on my coat and stuffed my hands in the pockets.
“Hey,” she said as I trudged past her.
“I’m fine,” I said.
She snorted. “You’re the biggest liar of all the liars ever.”
“Really?”
Following me to the parking lot, she linked our arms at the elbows. “I know you’re not okay. And it’s okay to not be okay, Silas. I just—”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I shoved the doors open a tad too violently, and she eyed me warily. “We broke up. It’s over. The end.”
“You don’t have to pretend to be tough with me,” she said cautiously. “I won’t think any less of you if you’re sad.”
That brought me up short. Tiny flurries swirled around us, melting the moment they touched the slushy pavement. It was almost dark, the gloom of winter clinging on with all its strength. Lifting my head to the dark sky, I sighed, my breath puffing in front of my mouth.
“He cheated on me with his ex while he was in California,” I said.
“That fucking asshole!” Kim’s anger was greatly appreciated, but I still winced at the harsh insult.
“They kissed at a party while he was drunk.”
She crossed her arms over her chest and harrumphed. “But Ben doesn’t drink. Not that that’s an excuse for being a cheating douche. I just… that doesn’t sound like Ben at all. He worships the ground you walk on.”
I kicked at the wet snow pile at the edge of the sidewalk. “Yeah, well, it happened. He admitted it.”
“Shit. Silas, that… I’m sorry.”
“Like I said, it’s over and done. Doesn’t matter.”
“You loved him,” she whispered morosely. “I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you looked at him. Don’t pretend that it’s nothing.”
With a shrug, I fished out my keys and strode toward my truck. “It is what it is.”
“I’m coming over,” she announced, trailing behind me.
“I’m fine,” I said.
“Don’t care. I’m coming over whether you want me to or not.” When I glared at her, she smiled sweetly. “Your dad loves me. He’ll let me in even if you lock the door.”
Unfortunately, she was right. “Fine,” I surrendered.
“See you soon.”
Upon arriving home, I walked in to the smell of Chinese food. Dad looked up from his newspaper, eyes wide and worried. He’d found me bawling last night on the floor, and neither of us knew quite what to do with that. Because he was possibly the best dad in the world, he’d held me and let me snot all over him. It had been super gross but nice.
Still, I hated the way he watched me, like he was expecting me to burst into tears again.
“Chinese?” I asked.
“It’s still warm. I ordered your favorite.”
My eyes stung, and I told myself not to cry over Chinese food.
“Thanks,” I said, voice thick. “Kim’s gonna hang here if that’s cool.”
“Sure,” Dad said.
“M’kay. Cool.”
I was eating my chicken lo mein right out of the carton when Kim knocked on the front door, then walked in a second later. She beamed at Charlie, and my dad lifted a hand in greeting.
“Hey, Charlie.”
“Hey, Kimmy.”
“You’re the only one who’s allowed to call me Kimmy because you’re my favorite dad,” she said with conviction.
Dad blushed like a teenager and muttered under his breath as he hid behind his newspaper. I laughed around my mouthful of noodles, and Kim winked at me. She held up a plastic Kroger bag.
“Ice cream,” she said, “because every break-up needs ice cream.”
Actually, ice cream sounded great, so I swallowed my bite of noodles and nodded. “Okay. You want Chinese?”
“That would be a yes.”
After we ate our weight in lo mein and pot stickers, we took our pints of ice cream and took refuge in my room. I closed the blinds before joining Kim on my bed. I devoured my pint of brownie batter ice cream as Kim ate hers in a more ladylike fashion. Setting aside her still mostly full pint, she reached out and ran a hand through my hair.
I melted like butter as her nails scratched my scalp. Who would have thought the thing I needed most was a feminine touch? Tossing my empty carton to the floor, I wrapped my arms around her middle and pushed her down on the bed. I snuggled into her curvy body until I was curled around her like a python.
We’d never cuddled before, but she was soft and comfortable. Her breasts were squishy under my head, and I sighed as she resumed her petting. “Your boobs are comfy,” I said into her shirt, and she giggled.
“Most guys wouldn’t use that word but, from you, I’ll take it.” She kissed the top of my head, and for some reason, that was all it took.
I cracked, and the hurt trickled out. Kim didn’t bring attention to the tears soaking the front of her shirt as I quietly allowed them to fall. She didn’t say a word, didn’t offer any type of platitudes, but it was exactly what I needed as I grieved the loss and betrayal, soaking up her offered comfort.
At long last, once my tears had dried, she swallowed once and said, “I don’t have any magical solutions, Silas. The only thing I can tell you is that it’ll get easier. You’ll learn to forgive, and you’ll move on. And if you and Ben are over for good, you’ll learn to live without him.”
“I love him.” I fingered one of her thin, black braids.
“I know,” she said, rubbing the back of my neck. “You’ll have to learn how to unlove him.”
I sniffled and shifted her until we were lying face-to-face on our sides. Her eyes were a little red but dry. As she booped my nose, she smiled wanly.
“Too bad you’re not bi-curious, or else I’d totally give you pity sex.”
That spurred a watery laugh, and I poked her side. “You have a gay crush on me, don’t you?”
She shrugged, neither a confirmation nor a denial.
“Cool,” I said, raising my hand. “High five.”
With another snorted giggle, she smacked her palm to mine. “Not a high-five moment, but okay.”
“Thanks, Kim,” I said seriously, and she cupped my cheek, thumb rubbing over my facial stubble.
“What are friends for?” She leaned in and, ever so softly, brushed her lips against the corner of my mouth. It was the chastest, most platonic kiss I’d ever received, yet the affection was comforting and warm. “You know I love you, right?”
“I love you too,” I mumbled, kissing her cheek. “Now stop trying to take advantage of me in my weakened emotional state. You’re not getting in my pants.”
“Psh, you wouldn’t know what to do with my parts if you tried,” she snarked.
“Truer words have never been spoken. The sex would be horrendous.”
We burst into laughter, and the weight that had been crushing my soul since last night lightened marginally. Our foreheads met, and our knees knocked together between us. She sighed, and I closed my eyes, soaking in the familiar fumes from her hair product.
“Everything’s gonna be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it will be. You’ll see,” she said, and I nodded, clinging to her like a life preserver as I held onto her promise with both hands.