14. Broken
14
Broken
My body was heavy and stiff as I settled into my limbs. I felt lost inside my own head, but as my brain rebooted itself, I took inventory of my body. My skin felt tight and dry. My lips stung as my thick tongue slid out to lick them. Everything hurt. My chest. My head. My hip.
I swore my eyelids were weighed down by boulders, but at least I’d found my eyes. I knew I had them. They were on my face where they’d always been.
On my first attempt at opening my eyes, I failed. My retinas shrieked when the light above me burned into them. I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed.
Fuck this! I was going to open my eyes, damn it, if it was the last thing I did. So I tried again, blinking through the blinding fluorescents. Tears gathered, then faded away as my eyes adjusted.
My surroundings were blurry, but I recognized a hospital room when I saw one. White walls. Starchy sheets. Terrible artwork.
Wires and tubes surrounded me, connected to my chest, my index finger, an I.V. needle nestled in the back of my hand. A nasal cannula rested below my nose, dry air blasting into my nostrils like they were afraid I was going to suffocate without it. My hospital gown was thin, and I shivered as I blinked once, twice.
The blinds over the window were open, and sunshine filtered into the room. Dust motes danced in the shafts of lights, and I watched them for several long seconds. For a moment, I thought I heard the melody they swayed to, but it was lost the minute I tried to catch it. I blinked again, and the dancing dust motes faded into oblivion as my vision filled with the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.
Ben sat curled up in a chair beside my bed, his body folded in on itself in what had to have been a horribly uncomfortable position. He breathed deeply, exhaling through parted lips. He propped his head up on one hand while the other reached across the space between us, fingers tangled with mine.
Staring at our twined fingers, I swallowed around the sudden lump in my throat. A fat, hot tear dropped from my eye and slid down my cheek.
Ben was here. I couldn’t remember what had happened to bring me here or why he would have followed since we weren’t together anymore. But I was so fucking happy to see him.
I might have lost consciousness then because the next time I blinked, the sunshine had faded some, casting the room in late afternoon light. Ben was still asleep. He was still holding my hand.
If I could have remembered how to work my mouth, I would have smiled. As it was, I simply lay there, drinking in the sight of my blond California diver.
As if, even in sleep, he could sense me, Ben stirred. He inhaled deeply and blinked his heavy eyes. He shifted in his chair like he was searching for a more comfortable position, and his fingers tightened on mine for a moment. I tried to squeeze back, but my digits were mostly unresponsive.
Apparently, he felt my attempt and frowned down at our joined hands. Then he glanced up at me, blue eyes bleary from sleep. He blinked. I breathed. Then his eyes widened.
“Silas?” he breathed my name like he was in pain. “Oh my God, are you awake?”
Before I could speak, he was scrambling to his feet. He reached for me but stopped short of touching me. His eyes watered, and he sniffled.
“Si?” His voice broke as he settled his hand on mine again.
I swallowed, then croaked out a dry, “Hey.”
He choked on a wet laugh. “Hey, yourself.”
My lips twitched. I managed to move my finger, grazing the calluses on his palm. He looked down, staring in awe. Was moving my fingers really that amazing of a feat?
With a careless tug, Ben dragged his chair closer to my bed before collapsing into it. He cradled my hand between both of his, wide eyes locked on my face. His touch was so warm compared to my cold fingers. I shivered in earnest as he rubbed my chapped knuckles.
“What—” My voice caught, causing my body to convulse with painful coughs. A plastic cup appeared in front of my face, an orange straw teasing my lips. Ben held the straw steady as I took a long pull. The lukewarm water stung my desert-dry throat, but I gulped it down.
Ben took it away too soon, and I frowned. “If you drink too much, you’ll get nauseous,” he explained, and I scowled deeper. At least, I tried to scowl, but the movement tugged painfully at my skin.
He returned the cup of blessed water to the table beside my bed and set it beside the plethora of colorful and obnoxious “get well” items. There were balloons and flowers and a tacky teddy bear holding a heart. I looked away.
“What are you doing here?” I rasped, and his face fell.
Releasing my hand, he leaned back in his chair, shoulders hunching. “Sorry, I didn’t—I just—I can go if you want me to.”
“No,” I said hoarsely, a hint of desperation in my voice. “No, don’t go.”
I fought to reach his hand, but he was too far away. Moving hurt, and I groaned as my hand fell uselessly to the bed. Ever the mind reader, Ben scooted forward once more and took my hand gingerly in his.
“Hey, it’s okay. I—”
“I don’t want you to go,” I said, my tongue tripping over the words. “I didn’t mean—I just, like, um… I’m confused.”
When he smiled, it was brittle. “You were in a car accident,” he said. “The road was slick, and the other car took the curve too fast. They hit you and tipped your truck. You rolled down the embankment.”
As he spoke, flashes of memories played through my mind like an old, battered record, and I shied away from them, wanting to hide from the pain lying in wait in those images. “Mabel?”
“She’s totaled. I’m sorry.” He patted my thigh in comfort, and I had to blink away stupid tears as I mourned the loss. “They had to use the Jaws of Life to get you out. The front of the truck was pretty mangled.”
“Am I okay?” I asked as fear spiked through me.
The monitor behind my head beeped obnoxiously as it tracked my rising heart rate, and Ben was immediately leaning over me as he spoke soothingly. “Shh, calm down. Everything’s okay. You’re gonna be fine, I promise.”
“Am I… f-fucked up?”
“No more than usual,” he said with a weak smile, then blanched as tears flooded my eyes again. “Hey, no. I was just kidding. Shit, Silas, breathe. You’re okay.”
Carefully, like I was made of thin glass, he cradled my face in his hands. His fingers scratched over gauze, and I realized my head was bandaged. No wonder I had a headache.
“Is my brain okay?”
“Yeah, baby, your brain’s fine. It’s perfect. The most beautiful brain in the world.” His forehead met mine as a broken sound that was supposed to be a laugh scraped my throat. “Hey, don’t cry. It’s okay.”
Was I crying? That would explain the blurry vision.
“Sorry,” I said. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”
“You’re on a lot of drugs,” he said, and I nodded. Which hurt like a bitch.
“That makes sense.” I sniffled and blubbered as he pressed a fleeting kiss to my forehead. “How long?”
His fingers flexed on the sides of my head, and I whined as he withdrew, sitting back down on his chair. “They kept you under for a while to keep the swelling in your brain down. Then you slept on your own for a while. You’ve been here in the hospital for a week.”
A week? Jesus Christ.
“Brain swelling?”
“You hit your head pretty bad when your truck rolled, but the doctor said there shouldn’t be any lasting damage.” He picked up my hand and pressed my knuckles to his mouth. It wasn’t exactly a kiss, but it was close.
For the first time since waking, I noticed the cuts on my hands and arms. I was littered with them, like my body had lost a fight with a blender. I raised my left hand and felt along my head. The gauze was thick, and I balked at the smooth skin surrounding the bandage. They’d shaved my head!
“I’m bald!” I sniveled, bursting into tears again, and Ben fought to smother his amused smile.
“Hey, you’re not bald. You’re just a little lopsided.”
His words were far from comforting.
“I’m ugly.”
“No, you’re not ugly. You’re gorgeous. You’re always gorgeous.” He actually chuckled then. “Your hair will grow back.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” He stretched out his hand and brushed his knuckle across my cheek. “Your hair will grow back, and the side effects from your concussion will fade, and your leg will heal—”
“My leg?” I moved my legs on reflex, and sharp pain flared in my hip and raced down my left leg. “Ah, fuck!”
“Yeah, be careful. You popped your hip out of alignment somehow. They found you unconscious, trapped in the truck by the crushed steering wheel, and your hip was out of its socket.”
“Can I walk?” I asked, and he nodded.
“Yes. You might need a crutch until it heals completely, but you’ll be running laps around me in no time.”
“Even at peak health, I couldn’t run laps around you,” I mumbled, and Ben snorted.
Leaning back against the pillows, I closed my eyes and breathed. My head pulsed with every beat of my heart, and my stomach cramped with the beginning stages of nausea.
Ben was talking again, but my hazy brain couldn’t make sense of his words. I floated away for what felt like hours but had to have been only moments because he was still talking when I resurfaced.
“... to impress me,” he said in a teasing tone, and my brows furrowed. What the fuck was he talking about?
Without opening my eyes, I asked, “Where is everyone?”
He didn’t answer right away, but I heard him shift in his seat. “Will and Cora went to get some food from the cafeteria. I just texted them; they’re on their way up now. Will is probably bringing the doctor with him.”
I opened my eyes. “And Dad?”
The strangest shadow crossed over Ben’s face, but I couldn’t read the emotion crashing his ocean eyes. “Will’s gonna be here any second,” he said. “He’s been worried about you. Cora too.”
“Cora hates me,” I said.
Ben cracked a tiny smile. “Well, you’ve been unconscious. It went a long way to repairing your relationship.”
I coughed out a chuckle, and he grabbed the cup of water from the side table and brought the straw to my lips. “Thanks,” I said after I’d drunk my fill. “I’m glad you’re here.”
A tentative fingertip slid over my jaw, avoiding the oxygen tube that crossed my cheek to hook around my ear. I nuzzled into the touch, sighing in relief when he cupped my face. The machine tracked my quickening heart rate, the beeps tripping over themselves for a second, and Ben smiled sadly.
“Where else am I gonna go?” he said, and the heartbreak written on his face made me ache. “When Aunt June called—” His voice shattered, and a dry sob caught in his chest. He dropped his head to the bed by my arm. His body shuddered, and I forced my heavy arm to move.
It wasn’t graceful or even gentle. My hand was cumbersome and unwieldy as I plopped it on Ben’s head. I scratched his scalp, fingers tangling in his messy curls. “Don’t cry, love,” I said as my eyes drifted shut once more. “S’okay, now. Everything’s okay.”
Pushing his face into my side, he threw an arm across my lap in an awkward embrace. I swallowed my hiss of pain as he hid his sobs in my side. I floundered for something to say to ease him, but I was high as a fucking kite. I was in no way equipped to deal with this.
“I thought I’d lost you,” he said around a strangled sob. “I thought—”
The glass door to my room slid open, cutting off Ben’s words, and I watched my brother’s stricken face approach. His tawny hair stuck up in funny directions, and his beard was scraggly and unkempt. He looked like he hadn’t slept in years, and as he locked his gaze with mine, his dark eyes—so like Dad’s—flooded with tears.
“Silas.” He choked on my name as he rushed to my side and bent over my prone body. He was far less gentle than Ben had been as he cupped the side of my face and buried his face in my neck. “Jesus Christ, Silas. You fucking asshole. How could you do this to me?”
“Uh, sorry?” I winced as Will’s weight landed on my chest. Ben had straightened in his chair, all traces of tears gone except for the redness of his eyes. He smiled in reassurance as he scooted away, giving space for Will to weep all over me.
Cora stood in the doorway, her flaxen hair pulled back into a messy bun. She smiled tightly, her arms cradling her protruding stomach. I offered a lame wave before patting the back of Will’s neck, returning his desperate embrace the best I could.
“Hey, Will.” I petted the back of his head. “Hey, it’s okay. Everyone needs to stop crying.”
He mumbled against my collarbone, but I couldn’t understand him. I just rubbed his head again before my hand became too heavy to hold up. It fell to the bed, and I blinked up at the ceiling. It swirled like a drain, and I lost myself inside it for a while.
“Silas?”
I looked back at Will who was standing over me now, watching me expectantly. “Huh? What?”
“He’s been a little spacey since he woke up,” Ben supplied.
Will shot him a tense glance. “The morphine?”
“I think so,” Ben said.
“Stop talking about me like I’m not here,” I said, but neither of them looked at me.
Maybe I hadn’t actually said it aloud? I couldn’t tell. I was tired again, and my head was pounding like someone was jack-hammering against my skull.
“Where’s Dad?” I asked, and I knew it wasn’t the first time I had.
No one answered me.
“Silas, what do you remember about the accident?” Will asked cautiously. He was sitting now. When had that happened?
My throat was so dry. I swallowed, but it didn’t help. The accident?
“Where’s Dad?” I repeated, and a heavy dread settled deep in my gut. “Will—”
“Can you give us a minute?” Will said.
I frowned. What did he mean? Then Ben stood, and I startled. Right, Ben was here.
“Don’t go,” I said, and Ben hesitated. “Stay.”
“I’m just gonna get some coffee.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’ll be right back.”
I protested as he disentangled our hands. “No, Ben. Please, stay. Please.”
If he left, I’d have to face the memories skating around the edge of my mind, and I knew instinctively I didn’t want to do that. Pain awaited me there, and I was scared.
“Ben—”
“I’ll be right back,” he said weakly as he backed out of the room.
Cora gave me a sad half-smile before following Ben out.
“I don’t feel good,” I said, and Will’s eyes welled with fresh tears. “I want Dad.”
“Silas, listen.” He took my hand in both of his and swallowed thickly. “It wasn’t your fault, okay? I need you to understand that.”
“Will, where’s Dad?” I demanded, and his face crumpled.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he continued, gripping my hand so hard it hurt. “They said the other car was going too fast and lost control.”
A horn was blaring in my ears, and the headlights blinded me. Dad squeezed my shoulder and smiled. Someone was screaming. Me. I was screaming, and the truck was rolling.
“They slid into your lane, and you tried to dodge around them. But it happened too fast.”
“Silas!”
Dad’s face dropped in horror. Metal screeched and groaned, and glass peppered my face. I was cold, and my legs were numb.
“Will, stop,” I said.
“I don’t know how to say this,” Will said as tears leaked down his face, mixing into his beard. “Fuck, Silas, how does anyone say this?”
Dad’s chest had been so still. Oh God, he’d been so still.
“Where’s Dad?” I asked, even though I already knew.
“The car hit you, crushing the passenger side.”
I fought his painful grip on my hand. “Shut up, Will. Shut the fuck up.”
“They said it was fast. That he wasn’t in any pain.”
“Shut up, Will,” I moaned, and the machines around my hospital bed started to squeal.
Will was sobbing, shaking his head. “He’s gone, Silas. He’s gone.”
“Don’t say that,” I whispered as my heart monitor screamed. “That’s not fucking funny. Where—Dad? Dad!”
People in scrubs rushed into the room, and I recoiled from them as they reached for me. “Don’t touch me.” I jerked away from their grasping hands, and fresh agony washed over me. My hip burned, and my chest was too tight. “Get off me. Don’t fucking touch me! Don’t—Will, help me! Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me!”
Like an out-of-body experience, I floated along the ceiling as the boy beneath me fractured into a thousand pieces. He pushed a nurse down and ripped out his I.V. He fought the taller, stronger nurse as they held him down. He screamed. He cried. He added bruises to his already broken body.
It wasn’t until a fourth nurse sedated him that the other three pinning him to his hospital bed released their holds. They reset his I.V. and checked his catheter. They threatened his brother with restraints should the boy freak out again.
Finally, mercifully, the boy lost consciousness.
And all the while, the blond angel who held the pieces of the boy’s heart together with tenuous strands stood in the open doorway and wept.