Chapter 9
9
Whit Bowman
“ M addy, can you run out to my truck and grab the buns? They should be on the seat in the back.”
Nodding, Maddy smiles. “Sure thing, boss. Be right back.”
Internally cringing at her calling me “boss,” I smile back. “Thanks, Maddy.”
It’s an unusually warm Saturday afternoon, but it’s working in our favor today. Standing where I’m the most comfortable, at the grill, I flip the burgers and the dogs as I watch everyone mull around farther out in the yard. Every year around this time, I host an annual company party before winter hits, where we all get together and eat, play games, and bond as colleagues.
Truthfully, it’s way out of my comfort zone, and by the end of the day, I’ll be exhausted and mentally drained, but I have to admit, it always ends up being a good time. We all spend so much time together during the week at work, that get-togethers like this are nice for morale.
Tasha is out in the yard playing corn hole with her husband and Clint, my other technician, and Maddy’s kids are playing on the bounce house that I rented, seeming to have a grand old time. I smile to myself as I watch them. The endless amounts of energy they have, the way they find joy in just about anything. Kids amaze me. I’ve never wanted to have any of my own, but I still love having them around. I’m patiently waiting for some of my friends to finally have a few so I can spoil them.
“Here you go, Dr. B.” Maddy sidles up next to me, setting the hot dog and hamburger buns on the tray beside the grill. “Also, look who I found in the parking lot.”
Turning my head to the side to see who she’s referring to, my heart sinks down into my stomach as my gaze connects with Reggie’s. Shit, what is he doing here? His lips curve up as he approaches me, taking Maddy’s spot as she walks off.
“Hi, babe,” he murmurs, leaning in and pressing a kiss to my cheek.
“Uh, hi.” My pulse pounds in my ears as I’m taken aback by his presence. “I didn’t know you were coming today.”
He winces, and I instantly feel bad. “You invited me,” he replies softly.
And he’s right, I did invite him when I first started planning this event a few months ago. He came last year, so I suppose it’s not that far off that he’d come this year, too. But since I asked him to leave my house last week, we haven’t talked a whole lot, so I guess I assumed he wouldn’t come.
Guess that’s what I get for assuming.
“How have you been?” Reggie asks when I don’t say anything.
“Oh, um, good. Busy,” I add because I feel like a jackass. “How have you been?”
My palms are sweating, and it’s uncomfortable. This entire interaction is uncomfortable. It feels like we’re strangers, not a couple who’s been together for multiple years.
Since my appointment with Dr. Smizor the other day, I’ve been thinking nonstop about what we talked about. About the way I sought out comfort from Conrad, the way I admitted without realizing it that I wouldn’t have done the same if it were Reggie there with me. That appointment was eye opening, but it wasn’t until a couple of days later that the gravity of it hit me. The truth of it.
And the truth is, I don’t think I want to be with Reggie. I don’t think I’ve been emotionally invested in this relationship for a long time. It sounds silly if I think too hard about it because, on the surface, there’s nothing wrong with our relationship. Reggie is great; he’s nice, sweet, caring. We don’t fight. But I’m not in it. I don’t look at him in the same light I viewed Conrad, and while logically I know that not every relationship will feel the same, I should still find comfort in my partner. I should still want to confide in my partner.
And I don’t.
“Good, but busy too,” he replies with a shrug. “Do you need any help with the food?”
“No, I got it,” I’m quick to say. “There’re drinks over in the coolers over there, and you can play some of the games or something while the food is cooking.”
It’s impossible to miss the disappointment on his face. My stomach twists. “Okay, but uh…” Reggie glances out into the yard for a moment before looking at me again. “Do you think we can set aside some time to talk later? Things have felt a little off lately, and I’d love to be able to connect with you.”
I nod, heart in my throat. “Yeah, of course.”
His eyes light up as a smile tugs at his lips. “Cool. I’m going to see if I can get in on this game of corn hole with Tasha.”
He runs over to them, and I watch him go, anxiety swirling. Tonight has to be the night. I have to end this because I can’t keep stringing him along just because I’m a coward who is allergic to confrontation. And it’s not even just about what happened with Conrad last month. It’s so much more than that, and that night was only the tipping point, and talking with Dr. Smizor was the nudge I needed to see it.
I’m not in love with Reggie. In the beginning, the first six or so months, I thought maybe I could . One day. But that day never came. I care about him, of course, but caring about someone and being in love with them are two very different things. I’ve felt love. Felt the all-consuming, breathtaking masterpiece that is being truly and wholly in love.
After Conrad and I got a divorce, I thought I would be alone the rest of my life. My heart was tattered and my soul was tired—so unbelievably tired—that the idea of ever giving myself to someone in that way again almost felt nauseating. I think the reason I gave Reggie a chance was because, deep down, I knew I was safe. And I don’t mean physically safe, because of course, I was that too, but safe as in I knew I wouldn’t end up hurt like I was with Conrad.
Because I knew in my heart, he could never be Conrad. I knew, even if subconsciously, that I could never fall for Reggie in the same way I fell for Conrad. Reggie was my safe bet. He was the nice guy I felt I needed. The one who I didn’t have to worry about falling too hard for. I think I always knew our relationship was never going to be any deeper than surface level, and that’s honestly fucked up, especially because I’m certain it’s more than that for Reggie.
Maybe I got comfortable. Reggie doesn’t live near me, and we have two very different lives outside of our relationship, so that made keeping it up easier. And it wasn’t always something I felt I needed to keep up. For a while, I think I was truly happy. I wasn’t in love or thinking about marriage or a future, but I was happy. Reggie is a great guy. He’s fun to hang around, and he’s sweet and thoughtful, and he isn’t overly concerned about sex, which is a huge plus for me. He never pressured me for more than I was willing to give, and I know a lot of men wouldn’t be the same.
Reggie was safe . He is safe, but I can’t keep stringing him along just for that reason. It’s not fair to him, and he deserves so much more than this.
After I finish grilling the food, we all sit down and eat. The rest of the afternoon passes without much fuss. It’s fun, and everyone is having a great time, but it’s hard for me to focus on that when I know what’s coming later. What has to come.
It’s about three by the time everyone leaves. Reggie stays back to help me clean up and load everything into my truck before following me back to my house. The whole drive home, my heart is pounding viciously against my ribcage. My stomach is in knots, and it feels like I’m seconds from losing my lunch all over my steering wheel. About halfway there, I realize, unintentionally, I’m driving slower than I should, trying to prolong the drive, like maybe if it takes longer to get there, I won’t have to have the conversation anymore.
God, I’m a coward.
Pulling into my driveway, I watch him park beside me out of the corner of my eye, and after taking a few deep breaths, I turn off the ignition and climb out. Taking the pathway toward the front door, Reggie follows behind me silently. The air is so tense, it’s nearly suffocating, and I don’t know how to fix it. If I had to guess, I think Reggie probably knows what’s coming. There’s no way this tension is made up in my head.
“Do you want anything to drink?” I ask as I slip out of my shoes.
“No, I’m okay.” He smiles at me. “Thank you, though.”
“Wanna go sit out back since it’s so nice out?”
“Sure.”
Here goes nothing.
We sit down on the chairs on opposite sides of the patio table. I look out into my yard, gathering the courage to do what needs to be done.
My backyard is my own personal oasis. I’ve enjoyed making this area my spot of peace since I bought the house several years back. The entire area is shaded by huge trees, making it a cool spot to be, even in the sweltering summer months. On either side of the yard, in front of the fences, there are flower beds that I’ve dug out and planted myself. In the spring and summer, they’re full of bright and vibrant colors.
I glance at Reggie, finding him already looking at me. “What’s going on with us lately?” he asks, brows pinched.
Blowing out a breath, gaze turned downward, I rub my thumb and index finger together in my lap. The act normally helps bring me peace, but it’s doing nothing of the sort. I may as well just spit it out, because drawing it out is only going to make this more uncomfortable.
“I think we should break up.” The words come out in a hurry, and when he doesn’t say anything back after a few seconds, I turn my head, meeting his gaze. “Did you hear me?”
“I heard you.”
“Okay, well, you didn’t say anything, so I wasn’t sure.”
Lips pressed into a thin line, Reggie looks at me with an unreadable expression. It’s making me nervous. “Where is this coming from?” he finally asks. “Did I do something?”
The question guts me. “You haven’t done anything,” I rasp, linking my fingers together and twisting.
“Then what? I know we’ve both been busy lately, but I thought we were okay.”
It’s a mistake to look at him again. His eyes are big and wide, full of sadness. Confusion. And I desperately wish I had an answer for him. A reason why this isn’t working anymore, but the truth is, it’s just not.
“I’m so sorry, Reggie,” I say empathetically. “You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re wonderful, and I know you’re going to make someone very happy one day. This really is about me. I’m just…” Raking a hand through my hair, I try to think of the best way to put this. “I’ve got a lot on my plate, and I just don’t think I’m in a place to devote the time you deserve in this relationship.”
“I don’t get it,” he murmurs. “You’re supposed to lean on your partner when you’re struggling. That’s what I’m here for.”
“Reggie…” I say his name on an exaggerated breath. “I can’t, okay? I can’t do this anymore. Please don’t make me explain it any further than this.”
He’s quiet for a moment, eyes filled with moisture, the silence tense and horrendously awkward. I wish he’d take a hint and leave. Why is he drawing this out? If I was being dumped, I’d be hightailing it so fast out of here.
“Can we at least still be friends?” he asks, and internally, I cringe so hard.
What a ridiculous thing to ask. “I mean, do you really think we’re going to remain friends?”
The question comes out much harsher than I intended.
His brows clash, and I see the hurt written all over his face. His bottom lip quivers as he asks, “Why couldn’t we?”
Fuck, please don’t cry. I’ve never been good with people crying in front of me. It makes me so uncomfortable I could scream.
“Reggie, we live in two different towns. I have a hard enough time maintaining friendships with people who live five minutes from me. I think I owe you to be honest and say there’s no way.”
His eyes widen in surprise. “Ouch.”
“I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”
After a moment, he nods, wiping his eyes and looking over at me. “Okay. Well, I guess, thanks for telling me. I won’t lie and say I’m not disappointed, but I understand.”
My skin is crawling and all I want to do is hide. “I’ll walk you out,” I reply.
As we come to a stop at the front door, Reggie turns to face me, and I can barely look him in the eye. Just as I figured he would, he pulls me in for a hug.
“I’m always here for you,” he murmurs.
“Thanks.”
“Bye, Whit.” The sadness in his tone makes my throat tight.
“Bye, Reggie.”
It’s not until I hear his car door shut that I let out the breath I’d been holding.
At least it’s done.
A weight has been lifted, and a sense of relief washes over me. It sucked and it was hard, but I did it. And it was for the best.
With a solid plan to take a nice, hot shower and relax outside for the rest of the evening, I grab my phone with the intention of heading to my bathroom. Except, I notice a message waiting for me.
From Conrad.
My heart lurches.
Conrad: Hey, would it be okay if I stopped by for a bit? There’s something I need to talk to you about.
With shaking hands, I re-read the message. Then I glance at the time, seeing it was sent a little over twenty minutes ago.
That’s all he’s going to give me? A vague as hell “there’s something I need to talk to you about?” That could mean anything ! What could he possibly need to talk to me about? And at my house? If it were about the animals, he’d call the clinic and make an appointment the same way he always does.
My heart is beating so fast, I wouldn’t be surprised if it thumped right out of my chest at this point. After I’ve re-read the two sentences about a dozen times, I thumb out a response.
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.
So much for my relaxing evening.