Chapter 17
“Miss Bennet, may I ask… We both claim the other is wrong. I wonder which of us is right?”
He sounded timid, and a lump in her throat kept her from replying.
“I do not know, Mr Darcy…”
“I know this conversation may become even more tiresome for you, and I do not want to force you to continue it…but perhaps we could…it would be a pity to…”
He seemed uncertain of his words and his gestures. He looked at her but did not lock eyes. He looked nothing like the arrogant Mr Darcy — the confident gentleman capable of solving problems.
Their tentative conversation sounded silly, and under different circumstances, they would have been amused to listen to it. But at that moment, the tension and the strain of doing and saying what was right became a burden that affected their wit.
“You are not forcing me, sir…I believe we should discuss…and I have not thanked you for taking care of my father and bringing him home after the ball…”
“No thanks are needed. He feels better, I hope?”
“He is still sleeping. At least he was when I left home.”
“Has the apothecary been called?”
“Yes. Last night. He said there is no reason for immediate concern.”
“I fear my hastiness in…presenting my proposal upset him…distressed him…I should have been more considerate…”
“You are doing it again, Mr Darcy,” she said.
“I am doing what?” he asked with concern.
“You are blaming yourself. My father felt unwell a few days ago. I cannot deny that the dreadful circumstances added to his anxiety. And probably after talking to you, and to me, his discomfort increased last night.”
“May I be of some help?” he asked, still timid.
“No, but your concern is appreciated.”
Elizabeth felt nervous and eager to open the subject that had caused their torment — the one over which both claimed the other was wrong.
She hoped he would do it, but he seemed equally lost as to how to continue.
She gulped a few times and breathed deeply, hoping he could not hear the beating of her heart.
“Mr Darcy, we still do not know which of us was right or wrong, do we? Should we not clarify it?”
“I hoped we would…”
“You said earlier that I was wrong in assuming the reason for your proposal.”
“Yes…and you said I was wrong in presuming why you refused it.”
“I am sorry for interrupting you yesterday. I know I should have kept my calm and allowed you to present your reasons. I am aware you were only trying to resolve a dreadful situation in the best possible way. But I am sure you realise that forced marriage is an error and will cause more damage than help.”
As she spoke, her voice became stronger and more decided. She found the power to express herself and continued to do so.
“I said you were wrong because I have the best opinion of you, and I value your friendship. I rejected your proposal because I knew it was not what you wanted. And I wish you all the best, truly.”
He looked somehow more at ease; his countenance brightened, his eyes locked with hers, and his voice was warmer when he replied.
“Miss Bennet, I shall take the liberty of asking a question which is highly improper and might make me lose your good opinion again. But, as hard as that might be, I cannot allow myself not to address it.”
“Please ask,” she said, curious and anxious.
“If the scandal did not exist…if there was nothing to force your decision, would you still reject my proposal?”
She was stunned, gazing at him, her eyes captured by his.
“But…if not for the scandal, would the proposal have taken place? You said you had not even considered it until yesterday,” she finally whispered.
“It was an unfortunate choice of words. What I meant — and I intended to say — was that, if not for the scandal and the need to protect you, I would not have considered proposing to you yesterday…in such haste and in such an improper manner.”
More warmth added to his hoarse voice, and her strength betrayed her again. She blinked a few times, her eyes suddenly clouded, breathing irregularly as she needed more air.
“I do not understand… You considered proposing to me? Asking me to marry you?”
“Yes. Surely you did not believe I would have made such a proposal easily, carelessly, without proper reflection?”
“But…why? How? I never imagined you would… We were barely friends…”
She felt the need for support and leant against a tree, then looked back at him. He was still gazing at her, and she allowed her eyes to lock with his again.
“We were barely friends because your opinion of me was so ill for a long time, Miss Bennet. Deservedly so. I shall not deny it. And because…”
“Yes?”
“Because for a while I struggled with my own feelings. I tried to disguise them from everyone, and I barely allowed myself to acknowledge them.” He looked uneasy again, pacing around.
“Despite my admiration for you, I felt it was my responsibility to marry someone…closer to my circle.”
“I understand…and I agree. I am sure that is the expectation from a gentleman like you.”
“It might be. However, after many years of being out in society, I have never considered marrying anyone…until now,” he concluded.
She felt her face burning, while chills ran through her body.
“I can hardly believe it, sir. I do not doubt your sincerity, but it seems impossible.”
“Have you not noticed my attention to you?” he enquired, his voice as low as a whisper.
“I have. But I believed it to be an expression of amiability, brought about by the admiral’s friendship with me and my father.”
“Then, you did not notice my admiration before the admiral arrived at Netherfield?”
He sounded shy, disconcerted, and she was even more confused and doubtful.
“Before the admiral arrived? But we barely spoke to each other at that time…I always felt you were looking at me to find fault…”
“Now I can tell you again that you were wrong,” he said with a little smile. “My admiration began almost at the beginning of our acquaintance.”
“Surely you are joking!” she cried. “I cannot believe such a claim!”
“I am certainly not joking. As proof, you may ask Miss Bingley. The evening you refused to dance with me, at Sir William’s, I unwittingly confessed to her my admiration for your fine eyes. She was just as incredulous as you are now.”
“This cannot be!” she repeated, astounded.
“And yet, it is. And your response of complete astonishment is just further proof of how utterly and completely I have misjudged your feelings, Miss Bennet.”
“What do you mean, sir?”
“I was convinced that you recognised my admiration and welcomed it. That you returned my partiality. I never doubted your answer to my proposal. What will you say now of my pride and arrogance?” he ended in a humble voice.
“And what will you say of my foolishness, since I never suspected anything of the sort?” she responded, flushed and nervous. “Though…”
“Though?”
She lowered her eyes, shivering again. How could she say what was on her mind? Should she? But how could she not, since he had already done so?
“I confess I have come to enjoy your company since you joined the admiral in visiting my family. I felt touched by your care when you helped me with the puppies…and I was flattered by your asking me to dance at the ball. But I took it as amiability, friendship, generosity. I did not dare assume more. Nobody would.”
“You see?” he replied, the little smile broadening on his lips. “We were both wrong, after all. You assumed less, and I presumed more than there was.”
“True…and this is what you meant by saying the admiral and Mr Wickham recognised your feelings?”
“It is. Sadly, Wickham knows me well enough to notice any change in my behaviour. He guessed my partiality, but he misjudged it and used it to hurt me. He harmed you and your family too, which was truly my fault, as I said.”
“It is certainly not your fault,” she responded, confused, quivering as she realised the significance of this latest knowledge.
The rain was about to start again, and she knew she should return home. She had lost track of the time she had spent with him, but she could not possibly leave.
Everything she knew and believed had changed, but the turmoil was still inside her, equally strong. He had proved her wrong, and she had accepted it, but she did not know what to do with that acceptance.
“What should we do now?” He asked the question which was also spinning in her head.
“What is to be done?” she replied shyly. She had already rejected his proposal with determination.
“I would be grateful if you would answer my question, as difficult and improper as it might be, Miss Bennet.”
“What question, sir?”
“The question that started our conversation. Would you still have refused my proposal if it was not shadowed by this scandal?”
“Oh…” She bit her lower lip, struggling to respond, not being certain of the answer herself, fearing to give one but wishing to be honest with him.
“I would probably not have done, sir. If the circumstances were different, or if I had known as much as I do now…and if I was sure that you had addressed me willingly.”
Neither spoke for a few moments, the silence interrupted by the wind and some thunder from afar.
“Miss Bennet, only an hour ago I told the admiral I would never impose my presence on you again, and I was determined not to bother you again with a proposal that troubled you. Now I am standing in front of you, saying that my proposal is still here — open to you, waiting for you. I shall not force an answer, just as I did not force one yesterday. I am begging you to consider it and let me know what you decide. One word from you, and I shall be forever silenced on this subject.”
Her mind was in such a perturbed state that she could not trust her understanding, nor could she form a coherent answer.
“But…sir, are you sure? Do you truly wish to marry me? All of a sudden? There are so many things to consider…”
“Miss Bennet, I have considered them all, and my decision is made. I have never been more certain of anything. And I still believe that a short engagement and a marriage by licence will silence the rumours. I strongly believe it will prevent your family from suffering further distress. And yet, the scandal is not the reason for my proposal, but love, affection, admiration, which now I do not fear to admit.”
“Oh…” she whispered.
“I hope my confession has not made you uncomfortable. Please be sure that I am willing to wait for your decision as long as necessary if you are not ready to make it yet.”
“Thank you. Please know I am not indifferent to the honour of your proposal. I imagine there is enormous responsibility attached to the position of your wife, and I am flattered that you trust me to be able to fulfil it. I am also aware that such a marriage would be beneficial to my family and to myself. I shall not pretend otherwise.”
“And yet, you still seem undecided.”
“I am undecided, sir, because I wish to be honest with you. I have the highest opinion of you, and I admire your character, your education, your understanding of the world, and I am sure you are an excellent man. What I still doubt is the nature of my feelings for you. You speak of love, affection, and admiration, while I still struggle to name my sentiments.”
“I thank you for your honesty, Miss Bennet. As I said, I can wait, and I would rather have you certain of your wishes. We shall deal with the scandal in some way. If Wickham is removed from the town, things might settle down. If not, we shall find a way to limit the damage, I assure you.”
“Perhaps a wedding will provide the comfort all of us deserve. And my father would be at peace, with no further reason for torment. But would you agree to marry a woman who has no dowry, no connections, whose reputation might be damaged? A woman who cannot declare her own love and admiration? A woman who was ignorant of your feelings for months and is still confused about hers?”
Her voice was strangled by tears, and she failed in fighting them. She turned her back to him, trying to compose herself. The importance of that moment overwhelmed her, and while she had expressed doubts in accepting his proposal, she realised the tremendous loss she would suffer if he withdrew it.
“I could and I would, Miss Bennet. My only hope is that one day this woman will come to love me as I do her. That she will become certain of her feelings and have no restraint in voicing them. And even if she agrees to marry me now, I shall call her my companion and my friend until the day she is ready to become my wife in every sense.”
Elizabeth’s astonishment was now complete, as she fully comprehended the significance of his statement.
For the third time in less than two days, she allowed herself to sob again.
He took out his handkerchief and gently wiped her face.
She did not oppose it, although his closeness and his touch made her dizzy.
“I am ready to marry you, Mr Darcy. And I promise I shall prove myself worthy of your generosity and your trust.”
“I do not doubt that, Miss Bennet,” he said, gently lifting her hand to his lips, letting it linger there momentarily.
He then held her hands in his for another moment and said, “You should return home now, Miss Bennet. If you approve, I shall come and speak to your father after breakfast.”
“I shall look forward to seeing you again, Mr Darcy.”