Chapter 10 December 10th
Icing cakes my lips, my chews slow, and my arse is numb from my place sitting in the window, feet up, my T-shirt pulled over my bent knees.
It’s a perfect white blanket out there, London a blank canvas.
Pure, clean, untarnished. It should stay that way until it melts away.
But no. Humans will spoil it, traffic and feet ruining the perfection, turning it into a sludgy, dirty mess that’ll become a man-made eyesore rather than remaining a natural beauty.
Where were you, Snow, when I wished for you four years ago?
“You’re late,” I whisper, taking another mouthful of my breakfast, watching the world go by, the white stuff bringing people out in force, all of them celebrating the arrival, dragging sledges, rolling snowballs.
Dogs create trails with their snouts, leap like lambs, collapse into downward dog and yell at the weird-looking, soft, wet powder.
Idiots crawl along in cars until the wheels give up and start spinning on the spot, leaving the drivers revving the engines, adding another layer of noise to the yells of excitement and joy.
Excitement and joy. Maybe now, yes. People are dashing out into the white winter wonderland to enjoy it.
But by the end of the day, they’ll be wishing the snow away, their lives disrupted.
They have no idea.
Their disruption is temporary.
I pop the last piece of my cake into my mouth and chew, licking my fingers, deciding that Mr. Percival’s Christmas cake is the only thing Christmassy I actually like.
My phone rings from the kitchen. It’s the fifth time he’s tried to call me since I saw Mindy yesterday.
And it’ll be the fifth time I haven’t answered.
He thinks a little extra pressure from my family will solve this?
Make me less . . . unreasonable? I rest my head back on the wall and go back to watching the world go by.
Persistent.
He was always that.
It’s how we ended up dating in the first place.
I had a friend who had a friend who had a friend who had a brother.
The brother came alone to a cricket match.
It was a hot day, we had a basket full of beers and tinned cocktails, and we got tipsy on sunshine and alcohol.
He tried to kiss me; I turned away. He didn’t give up, got my number from the friend of a friend of a friend, called me, texted me, until I finally relented and had dinner with him.
I made it clear I wasn’t looking for anything serious—I was on a career trajectory.
He just smiled.
And I went out with him again the next night.
I don’t see any of those friends anymore either. And I wonder where I’d be now if I hadn’t gone to that cricket match all those years ago.
And would I be happy?
I pull my knees in closer, shaking my head clear, but that only leaves space for Dec. He hasn’t called. Hasn’t texted. And I still don’t know if I want him to.
I get up and find my laptop, dropping to the couch and opening my inbox. I try to focus on the emails I saved to work on this weekend.
To our first kiss.
I snap the lid of my computer closed and toss it aside on a yell.
Wrapped up warm in endless layers—no gloves or hat—I slip my feet into my boots and brace myself for the cold as I open my front door into the corridor.
Mr. Percival is standing at the exit doors, looking out onto the street, his walking frame holding him up.
“Thank you for the cake,” I say as I near him, his flat-capped head turning to find me. “It’s really very good.”
“Where’s your hat and gloves, girl? It’s brass monkeys out there.”
“Where’s yours?” I retort with as much scold. “That hat is hardly keeping your ears warm.”
“Have you seen the size of my ears, dear? Ain’t no hat covering these things.”
A little snort escapes, surprising me. “So it’s true what they say?”
“About what?”
“Ears. They don’t stop growing.”
“Oh no, mine have been this big since I was knee-high to a grasshopper.”
“Really?”
“Really. My ma always said I’d grow into them.” He steps back with the help of his walking frame. “I never did. Where are you off to? Your tree? A turkey? Or Christmas shopping?”
“None of the above.”
“Oh, I bet you’re one of those modern types, aren’t you? Everything ordered online. Such a shame for the High Street.”
Tightness forms in my lips without instruction, my compassionate side trying to smile but my damaged side not allowing it. “As you’ve noticed, I need some gloves and a hat,” I say, holding up my bare hands. “It looks like this weather isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.”
“I hope it stays for the big day,” he chirps. I hope it doesn’t. It would make it a perfect Christmas, and that would be excruciating. “You need to get yourself some snow boots like mine.”
I peek down at the monstrosities gracing Mr. Percival’s feet on a frown. “Maybe I will.”
“Here, let me get out of your way.” He shuffles to the side.
“You’re not venturing out?”
“With all those flying snowballs? No, thank you. I’ll watch from behind the screen. I’m not as young and fit as you, dear, therefore I can’t dodge them.”
I’m blasted by the cold when I heave the door open, and quickly put myself on the other side, letting it close to save Mr. Percival freezing. “Christ,” I breathe.
He gives me an excited wave. “Be careful out there,” he calls through the glass.
“I will.” I face the white world outside and zip up my coat to my chin, gauging the depth I’m dealing with.
A few inches, at least. My boots sink, and the crunches create a beat as I trudge down the path to the street.
This is going to be a workout. I stuff my hands in my pockets and lift my chin, looking up.
And then I see it in slow motion.
Sailing directly toward me.
“Fuck,” I murmur, clenching my eyes closed a second before the giant snowball smashes me straight in my face, exploding and sprinkling my entire front with snow.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I yell, wiping my face with my cuffs, the sound of young boys in hysterics hitting my ears, loud at first, but then fading away.
The little fuckers. They’re running away?
I frantically scan the street for them, ready to .
. . what? Chase them down? Teach them a lesson?
My shoulders drop, and I look over my shoulder. Why am I not surprised to find Mr. Percival doubled over, clenching his belly as he howls his amusement?
“Yes, very funny,” I mumble, brushing off my coat with rough hands.
“Little bleeders, ain’t they?” he yells. “Takes me back!”
I shake my head and scan the street again, seeing the boys disappear down by the canal. This is heaven for them. A limitless supply of missiles, endless bystanders for targets. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. But I’m committed now and, well, we don’t want Mr. Percival thinking I’m a wimp.
So shoulders back, I get on my way, vigilant, eyes peeled, watching out for the little beasts as I go. It’s takes double the time to get to where I’m heading, and I’m almost sorry I don’t appreciate the beauty of London under snow.
Almost.
Mostly, I’m just getting to where I need to be.
Heat blasts out from the vent above the shop doors as they slide open, thawing my frozen cheeks.
Puddles of defrosted snow scatter the huge mat, and I stamp my boots to knock off the remnants before venturing into the quiet store, focused on my route and shutting my ears off to Slade screaming at me through the speakers.
“Hat,” I say, grabbing a black beanie and a matching pair of thick gloves.
“Done.” I head for the checkout and join the small line, only one woman in front of me.
Her free arm clutches a bunch of kids’ clothes to her body as she chats on the phone, laughing, engrossed.
Therefore she hasn’t noticed one of the girls on the checkouts calling her to be served.
“Excuse me,” I say, but she doesn’t hear me. “Excuse me,” I repeat, louder. Still nothing. So I tap her on the shoulder. “That checkout is free.”
She turns toward me, phone still at her ear, a smile in place, and when her face comes into view, my heart feels like it jumps out of my chest and splatters all over the store floor.
No.
Air leaves my lungs on a sound laced with pain as I step back.
No.
Her smile drops, as does her phone from her ear. And we stare at each other, neither of us knowing what to do or say.
I’m paralysed.
I can’t breathe.
The gloves and hat fall from my hands.
“Camryn,” she breathes.
Run.
I turn and hurry out of the store, hearing her calling me as I go. My rushed steps turn into a jog. “Camryn, please!” My jog turns into a run.
And I don’t stop.
Not until I make it back to my apartment.
Kicking my boots off and letting my coat drop to the floor, I rush to my bedroom and crawl under the covers, letting the darkness swallow me whole.
Hiding.
But the problem with being in darkness? There’s nothing else to focus on, leaving only the face of the woman who destroyed my life.