Chapter 16 December 16th
Something’s different inside me. It’s like the storm that’s been gusting through me for the past few years, ripping me apart, has suddenly settled. Everything’s still. Calm. And the mess that it’s left behind, the broken pieces of my life, are patiently being gathered up.
By Dec.
I love you so much, my heart aches for you. I love the way you can be in perfect silence, and I can be in it with you. I love the way you hate Christmas, but it breaks me to now know why.
He’s saving fragments I never thought could ever be saved, gathering splitters of my life and putting them back together to make less jagged, damaging parts.
He’s a lifeline.
My face is tight, my eyes sore, but I open them, squinting at the low light. My cheek is pressed into his chest, my hand on his pec, my thigh thrown over his. His hand’s resting lightly on my knee.
Warm.
I feel so warm.
I gingerly peel my face from his chest and peek at him.
And lose my breath.
This beautiful man somehow loves me. He’s seen something worth saving. Seen what I could never. That makes me love him more than he could ever understand, but I hope I get to show him. Pray I do.
Slowly and carefully, I move up his body until my mouth is level with his, my boobs crushed into his naked chest. I scan his face, every beautiful bit of it, dipping and pressing a light kiss on the corner of his mouth. He smells like sleep and man.
A lazy throb starts to dully thump against my thigh, and I freeze and hold my breath when I feel him stirring.
My body responds, a heaviness falling between my legs.
The air suddenly feels thick, and I pull back just a fraction so I can get him in my sights.
His eyelids flicker, his lips part. Waiting for him to open them feels like an eternity.
“Open,” I whisper, reaching for his hair and combing my fingers through.
His eyes pop open on a small hitch of breath, his sleepy gaze meeting mine immediately.
How those grey eyes shine. The throbbing against my leg becomes more intense, and in answer my insides start to pulse.
It’s a long few moments of gazing, and when I realise Dec’s not going to make the first move—because .
. . Dec—I take the lead, lowering my lips to his.
He keeps his eyes open, as do I, and when our tongues brush, he exhales heavily, cupping the back of my head and rolling me onto my back.
My thighs cradle him, his hips shift, my legs spread, and he pushes into me painstakingly slowly, his exhale ragged, my inhale long and deep.
The moment he’s filling me to the hilt, he stills, giving us both a moment to adjust, deepening his kiss.
My hands are on a feeling frenzy across his back as he drags his lips up my cheek and rests them on my forehead.
Connected physically as closely as two humans can be connected.
But this is more than that. I don’t look at Dec and see escape in the pleasure of his body.
I look at him and want to walk into his chest and be held.
I look at him and see hope. I look at him and feel my heart burst with love and appreciation.
He withdraws and advances slowly, and I graze my fingertips down his spine as he kisses his way back to my mouth and sweeps his tongue through.
His body stills, as does his lips, and he pulls his shoulder blades in on a soft hiss into my mouth.
“Tickles,” he murmurs, as he kicks inside of me.
My fingers pause. “Don’t stop.” Pushing into his forearms, he lifts his torso a tiny bit, his chest peeling away from my boobs, and he slowly inches out and works his way back inside me.
“I like it.” Grey eyes glisten down at me as I try to remember to breathe while he takes me to the clouds.
His usually well-groomed stubble is scruffier, his mussed hair mussier.
I work my fingertips farther down, circling over his backside, and back up again, going extra slow, applying the faintest of pressure, watching with fascination as his eyes become heavier and his chest expands.
A suppressed groan vibrates at the back of his throat, his rhythm faltering.
“Jesus.” He swoops down and claims my mouth again, finding his pace again, slow, meticulous, bloody beautiful.
I moan my pleasure, my back bowing, my head shaking.
He finds my throat and licks up the column to my ear, biting down on my lobe.
“Dec,” I breathe, slipping my hands into his hair and clenching fistfuls. Oh God.
“Tell me how it feels,” he whispers, his low, grainy voice in my ear shoving me closer to the edge.
I can’t find the words. Couldn’t speak them if I did. Dropping my head, I pull his face from my neck and look at him. I look at him closer than I’ve ever looked at a man before. And the way he looks at me?
It’s restorative.
I swallow, the words coming to me, but I can’t get them past the lump in my throat. This isn’t a lump caused by grief. It’s a lump triggered by hope. That I could have even some semblance of consistent happiness again has been past my comprehension. “I love you.”
He shakes his head mildly, and plunges his tongue into my mouth, upping the ante, kissing me hard but briefly before tearing his mouth away and gasping down at me.
Every drive goes deeper, our bodies rolling together like waves, the pressure building to the point I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Sweat starts to dot my skin, my moans become breathy gasps, my light stroking of his back becoming scratches.
The veins in his neck bulge. “I’m coming,” he murmurs. “Camryn, I’m coming.”
His words propel me over the edge, and I whimper, my stomach muscles contracting, and I bury my face in his neck as I come, electricity cutting through me. “Oh God,” I breathe, trembling from the force, as Dec jerks, stills, and groans, pushing deeper, his big body soaking up my shakes.
“Fuck.” He collapses, swathing me, one forearm keeping his body from squishing me. “Okay?” he pants.
I throw my arms out to my sides, breathless, as his heavy head lifts with effort, his brow hitching too. “Camryn?”
“I can’t lose again,” I blurt out, feeling overcome.
Dec’s one raised brow turns into two, interest becoming worry. “You won’t,” he counters softly.
It’s okay for him to say that. Maybe he won’t have a choice.
Maybe he’ll be taken. I shake my head, trying to evacuate the morbid thoughts after such a perfect moment with a perfect man.
“I didn’t think I could ever smile again,” I whisper.
“I didn’t think I could exist in a world that could be so fucking cruel. ”
“Camryn, stop.”
“No.” I hold his face, pulling it down so he’s nose to nose with me.
“This is perfect. You are perfect. But I’m not perfect, Dec.
And this moment is perfect, but there are ugly moments.
If you be with me, there will be times when it will be so fucking ugly.
” Because Dec doesn’t cure me. He might heal me, but nothing could possibly cure me.
“I can handle the ugly,” he says, no hesitation. “What I can’t handle is my world without you in it.”
“Your world seems quite perfect.” He shouldn’t want me polluting it with my pain and hatred.
He puffs out amused air, his eyes dropping. “Why are you trying to sabotage this?”
“I’m not. I just—”
“What?” he asks, lifting his gaze back to mine.
“Want me to be prepared?” He laughs a little.
It’s irony, not humour. “Don’t you think I saw the hollowness the first time I saw you in that bar?
Don’t you think I felt the pain you couldn’t hide?
Felt your hopelessness past the smile you didn’t think I saw.
My eyes are wide open, Camryn. Wide fucking open, and they’re looking right at you. ”
I bite down on my lip.
“And you spilled your heart out to me last night,” he goes on. “Trusted me. Was vulnerable. That made me know beyond all doubt—and there wasn’t much doubt—that I want you in my heart, my life, and my daily thoughts, and I really fucking want you to want all of that with me too.”
Pain stabs at my lip when I increase the pressure. “Are you sure?” I ask, still holding back the full force of my relief.
“I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.” He holds my face, his expression pained, as if he’s worried I won’t believe it. “I’ve never felt so connected to someone, Camryn. I’ve never felt so at ease and at peace with someone. So are we done?”
I nod, taken aback by the fierceness in his voice. “Has it really been five years?”
“It’s been worth the wait. Now are we done?”
My eyes widen, feeling him expand inside me. “Apparently not.”
His cheeks puff out, and I grin as he releases the tension in his face and gives me a small hint of a dashing smile. My God, he’s adorable when he loosens up. This big, serious man. He drifts down, his mouth open, and sucks my neck, kissing his way down to my chest.
My exhale is as peaceful as I feel, my body sinking into his soft bed, my eyes closing.
“Hmmm,” I exhale, as he divides his attention between my boobs.
“Can we stay in bed all day?” The moment I utter my question, I hear what sounds like a doorbell in the distance, and I lift my head, looking down at Dec in question.
His frown is all the answer I need. “Expecting someone?”
He shakes his head and resumes worshipping my skin.
But then his phone starts ringing. “Fuck it all to hell.” He slams his fists into the mattress and lifts his hips, a scowl and a wince blending as he eases out of me.
I pull my legs together, and Dec plants a peck on my chin before dragging himself off the bed to go find his phone.
The pull of my muscles makes me suck back a breath as I scoot up the bed and rest against the headboard.
He goes through the pocket of his trousers and the second he looks at the screen, he curses under his breath and looks at the ceiling. For strength? What is that?