Rowan 4
Rowan
I lay in the guest bed, staring up at the ceiling while the quiet noises of the city drifted in through the open window.
Eli was just down the hall, probably flipping through streaming channels or working on something.
Restless as ever. And here I was, trapped in the same spiral I always fell into when I visited.
Stuck in my own head with no way to shut it up.
I rolled onto my side and shut my eyes, but it didn't help. My thoughts kept circling back to the same place. Seeing Eli again and spending time together was everything I wanted. Yet it always left me emptier than before I got here.
Every visit played out the same. He'd make me laugh. We'd tease each other. And for a little while, I could pretend things were normal.
But nothing was normal about how I felt when it came to Eli.
He didn't know. He couldn't know. That was a line I'd never cross, no matter how much it hurt to keep it to myself. My friendship with him was the only thing that kept me sane some days. The thought of ruining that, of him pulling away if he ever found out... I couldn't risk that.
I let out a long breath and turned onto my back again. It was hard to be around him. Hard to feel that way and know he never would. I'd gotten used to it. Had to, really, but that didn't make it any easier. Especially after days like today, when we slipped so easily back into old habits.
To him, I was just Rowan. The quiet friend. The one who was always there, always ready to listen when everything else in his life fell apart.
That was enough for me. It had to be.
My phone buzzed on the nightstand. I reached for it and flicked the screen on. It was a text from Marcus: Lunch when you're back tomorrow?
I'd wondered how long it would take him to check in. He always seemed to know when I needed a distraction, even when I was an hour away. He was consistent like that. Thoughtful. Attentive.
And I liked him. I did. He was easy to talk to, confident in ways that I wasn't. He wasn't complicated and made space for me in his life without hesitation.
He was present. He wasn't Eli.
Maybe that was the point.
I typed out a quick reply to his message: Sure. I'll text you the train time.
His response came through a few seconds later: Sleep well. I'll be waiting.
I gave a small smile and set the phone back on the nightstand. A strange sense of finality washed over me. Maybe this was the sign I needed to move on from Eli once and for all. It hurt to think about, but holding onto something that was never going to happen hurt worse.
The clock on the wall ticked past midnight, but sleep didn't come.
I lay there with my thoughts racing in circles, bouncing between Eli and Marcus, between what I wanted and what I needed.
I wasn't sure how to untangle any of it, but I knew I couldn't keep going like this.
I couldn't stay stuck in the same place and hope things would change when I knew they wouldn't. I'd done it for far too long already.
I sighed and closed my eyes. Tomorrow I'd leave to go back to my quiet, predictable life. I'd try to let Marcus in properly. And maybe I could find a way to stop thinking about Eli.
* * *
Morning came too quickly. Sunlight filtered through the curtains, casting the room in a soft, golden light.
I packed my bag slowly, my mind still slightly foggy from a night of less-than-great sleep.
I wasn't in a rush to leave, but staying any longer would just delay the inevitable.
The visit with Eli had been good, yet these trips always left me torn between wanting more and knowing I couldn't have it.
I slung my bag over my shoulder and headed for the door, hoping to slip out without waking him. We'd already said our goodbyes the night before, and part of me was glad for that. It was easier to walk away without seeing him again.
But just as my hand touched the doorknob, a quiet noise behind me made me jump. I turned, heart stuttering, to find Eli standing in the hallway. Half awake, hair a mess, eyes still heavy with sleep.
I pressed a hand to my chest as I tried to steady my breathing. "Jesus, Eli."
He flashed a tired grin, rubbing a hand through his tousled hair. "Sorry. Didn't mean to sneak up on you."
"Well, you did," I grumbled, my pulse still racing. "I thought you were still asleep."
He yawned and leaned against the doorframe. "Yeah, but I thought I'd at least catch you before you took off."
I adjusted the strap of my bag awkwardly. "I was gonna leave you a note or something."
He raised an eyebrow with a lazy smirk. "A note? What am I, some random Airbnb host?"
I shook my head with a quiet laugh.
We just stood there for a moment, our usual banter slipping into quiet. But my panic spiked when I caught Eli watching me with a softer expression. His gaze lingered a little too long, and it made me uneasy.
"You alright?" His voice was quieter than usual.
I fumbled for a response and used one I'd gotten away with before. "Yeah, of course. Just tired. I didn't sleep too well last night."
He didn't look surprised, but he didn't press, either. He stepped forward to pull me into a quick hug. "Safe trip, yeah? Don't disappear for so long this time."
I forced a smile as I stepped back. "I won't."
He flashed a grin and turned toward the kitchen, yawning again as he shuffled off. I watched him go as the familiar ache already began to set in.
Too slow, Rowan...
I slipped outside, the morning air cool against my face. The streets were just starting to wake up – commuters in a rush, tourists with their cameras already out. It was a world Eli thrived in. But it would never be mine again.
I checked my phone. Marcus had already sent a message asking for my train's arrival time. I'd answer him once I got to the station. For now, I just needed to get out of London. Back to the quiet of home, where things made sense. Where I didn't have to pretend I was okay with how things were.
But as I made my way to the station, the weight of the goodbye clung to me. No matter how many times I left, no matter how many times I told myself to move on, it never got easier. Letting go of Eli was like trying to unlearn how to breathe.
The train ride itself felt longer than usual.
The countryside blurred past the windows in streaks of green and gold, but I watched it without really seeing it.
My mind refused to focus on anything. Marcus's latest text sat unopened in my inbox.
I should've felt something. Excitement, maybe, or at least a sense that I was trying to move forward.
But mostly, I just felt exhausted. Of wanting what I couldn't have. Of pretending that I didn't want it.
Eventually, I opened the message to let Marcus know the train was about ten minutes out. At least with him, I didn’t have to second-guess where I stood or what he wanted. Being around him was easy. Predictable in a way that wasn't boring. Safe.
As the train sped toward home, I tried to push thoughts of Eli out of my head.
I needed to stop clinging to something that was never mine to begin with.
The steady rhythm of the tracks rumbled beneath my feet, and I leaned back to let the sound pull me into something that felt like peace. Or as close as I could get to it.
It should've been easy. I'd had years to let go of the hope that he might someday see me as more than just the quiet, reliable friend. When Eli came out as bi, I felt something I hadn’t let myself feel in a long time.
For a while, I entertained the thought that maybe, someday, things could be different with us.
But nothing changed. And this visit made it painfully clear that it never would.
He still looked at me and treated me the same way.
And every time I thought I’d gotten over it, he pulled me back in.
I knew it was stupid to keep holding on.
But he’d taken root in my chest, and I just couldn't pull him out.
The train began to slow as it neared the station, and I sat up, shaking the thoughts from my head. Marcus. I needed to focus on Marcus. He was real. He wanted me. He was steady and confident. Someone I could actually build something with if I'd just let myself.
I grabbed my bag as the train hissed to a stop, then filed out with the rest of the riders onto the platform.
The air was cooler here. Quieter. Tunbridge Wells was a completely different world compared to London's restless energy.
I fell into the slower pace without effort, and I could finally breathe again.
I didn't miss the city. But I did miss Eli.
The thought crept in before I could stop it, and I muttered a curse under my breath.
Still, I pulled out my phone and checked my messages as I walked. A part of me hoped there'd be something from him. Maybe a quick update, some stupid meme, or even a half-baked complaint about work.
But the screen was empty. Of course it was. We'd just said goodbye a few hours ago. He had his own life to get back to. I couldn't expect him to still be thinking about me.
As I left the station, I spotted Marcus near the entrance. He looked sharp as always in a crisp white shirt, sleeves rolled up, standing with his usual polished ease. His smile was already waiting when he saw me.
"There he is." Before I could say anything, he leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Missed you."
"Sorry," I said, a little surprised by the gesture. "Train ran late."
"Doesn't matter. You're here now." He reached for the strap of my bag and tossed it over his shoulder before I could argue. "Come on. I made a reservation at that new place in the Pantiles. Figured we could try something different."
I let him take the bag with a quiet thanks as I fell into step beside him. He started talking about a new client at work and something about the restaurant's reviews, his voice smooth and casual. I listened and let his words fill the space while my mind drifted.
The restaurant was sleek, all glass and dark wood. A little more polished than what I was used to, but Marcus fit right in. He held the door for me, and we were seated near the back. The kind of tucked-away spot that probably needed a name drop or a network connection to land.
As the conversation carried on, I started to relax. Marcus was good at keeping things easy with light jokes, thoughtful questions, and that steady attention that made it tough to look away from him for too long. It was nice.
By the time we left, I felt a little lighter. Marcus walked me home, his hand brushing mine until he finally laced our fingers together. I didn't pull away. For a moment, I let myself lean into the idea of moving on and letting someone else in.
It was what I needed. It was time.
When we reached my building, Marcus handed me my bag with a smile. "I'll see you soon?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
He didn't move right away. His eyes stayed on mine, and then he stepped closer. One hand rested lightly on my waist as he leaned in. I froze for a second, but he didn't hesitate. His lips met mine, soft and unhurried, his thumb tracing a small circle at my side before he pulled back.
"Get some rest," he said. "You look like you need it."
I gave a quick nod, not trusting my voice, and he finally turned to go.
I stood there with my keys in hand and watched as he disappeared down the road. For the first time in a long while, I felt a flicker of relief.
The kiss had felt different. For years, I'd kept my relationships casual.
It was easier that way. I could go through the motions without having to explain why I always seemed to be holding something back.
Because I was. Because my heart was already tied up with someone who would never see me that way.
I'd gotten good at it. The casual dates, the light conversation, the careful distance that kept things from getting too serious. It protected me from having to face how empty it all felt. How I was just marking time, waiting for something that would never come.
But Marcus didn't feel like marking time. He felt like a chance. A real one. Letting go of Eli wouldn't be easy... But for the first time in longer than I cared to admit, I actually wanted to try.