Chapter 19 （Eli）
Eli
I stood up to grab my bag from the overhead rack before the train even came to a complete stop.
A mix of emotions swirled in my chest. I'd barely been gone from Tunbridge Wells for a week, but it felt like a lifetime.
After going back to London, everything I tried to focus on slipped through my fingers.
My camera, work emails – none of it seemed to matter anymore.
Because it didn't. Not compared to Rowan.
As I stepped off the train, I pulled out my phone to check for a message I already knew would be waiting. Sure enough, Adam wanted to know about the photo set I was supposed to send over days ago. Normally, I'd have dropped everything to answer him. This time, I didn't even bother to open it.
My eyes drifted instead to the call log from four hours ago. To the single missed call from Rowan. Two rings, then silence. I couldn't get to the phone fast enough to answer before it cut off.
At first, I'd worried that something was wrong. But a quick chat with Mrs Cavanagh calmed that fear. Rowan was fine. Tired, for sure, and clearly in a lot of pain. But he was home. Safe.
He almost phoned. Almost. I didn't know if it was on accident or if he panicked and backed out, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. He tried. Even if he couldn't follow through, he still tried to reach for me. That was enough for me to book the ticket back.
Enough to know he wasn't trying to shut me out completely.
Enough to come home.
I stared at Rowan's name on the screen a moment longer, debating whether to call him back. It might be better than just showing up at his door, but if he didn't pick up, it wouldn't matter much. He might be sleeping, anyway, and I had to settle something else first.
My thumb slid back to the text from Adam: We need those shots, Elias. The client's asking for updates. What's going on?
I huffed in annoyance. I didn't have a clue how I'd explain this to my manager, but I couldn't avoid it anymore.
Maybe I could tell him I was working on it to buy some time.
That wouldn't really solve anything, though.
I had no clue how long this would take, and I couldn't focus on work right now.
Not when every thought kept circling back to Rowan.
If I wanted to be here for him without anything else distracting me, I had to take care of this.
I sighed and typed out a response: Something's come up. I won't be able to take any new work for a while. I'm sorry.
It took maybe five seconds for my phone to blow up with an incoming call. Adam's name flashed on the screen, and I braced myself before answering. I didn't even get a word in before he went off on a tangent, his voice sharp with a note of panic underneath it.
"Elias, what's going on? You're turning down a big job. You know what this could mean, right? You're about to burn a bloody big bridge, mate."
"Hello to you, too," I muttered. "I know how big this job is, but like I said, something's come up. And it's important."
"Important enough to risk your career?" he shot back.
"Don't be so dramatic. I'm not dropping everything. I'm taking a break. Tell them I've had an emergency. If they have any decency, they'll understand."
"Eli – "
"Stop, Adam. I need to take care of this first. My friend needs me."
He went silent for a minute, and I could tell he was trying to piece together everything I'd said. When he spoke again, his tone had softened. "Wait, the one in Tunbridge Wells?"
"Yes. It's complicated. But I can't leave him to deal with this on his own."
He let out a sigh. "Look, I get it. I really do. But this job – "
"I'm not changing my mind. This is more important. Rowan comes first."
There was a pause on the other end. His next words didn't sound so frustrated. Just resigned. "You're taking a big risk."
"I know."
He went silent again, then finally said, "Alright. I'm not going to push you on this. Just... Let me know when you're ready to come back. And... Good luck with whatever you're dealing with."
"Thanks. I'll be in touch."
I sighed in relief after the call disconnected. Thank God he backed off.
I tucked my phone away with a strange mix of relief and anxiety. I'd just turned down a major opportunity, and I had no idea what it would mean for my career. But right now, nothing mattered except getting back to Rowan.
The past week had been hell for me. I tried to throw myself into work while I waited for Mrs Cavanagh to call me, but I just couldn't do it.
Every time I looked through the camera lens, my thoughts wandered to Rowan.
Every time I tried to edit a photo, I remembered the way he curled in on himself in that trauma room.
The defeated desperation in his voice when he told me to leave.
I'd had to remind myself a few more times that his head wasn't clear. The concussion twisted everything I said in his mind, and he thought I blamed him for what happened. He thought I saw him as weak for not being able to stop what someone else did to him.
He couldn't have been more wrong.
As guilty as I felt for not pushing harder when I suspected something, I didn't come back out of obligation or because I pitied him. I came back because I loved him. And deep down, maybe I'd known that for a long time.
I shoved my hands into my pockets as I started walking down the street.
There was a time I swore I'd never come back to this town, but now I realised just how many memories I had here.
Memories of Rowan and me finding trouble, laughing about things only the two of us found funny.
As I walked, those memories flooded back – and I started to see things a little differently.
I remembered the time we'd skipped class and hidden out by an old abandoned barn outside of town, laughing like idiots as we sat in the tall grass and talked for hours. My mum hadn't been too pleased about that, but she only gave us a light warning not to do it again.
Back then, it felt like just two best friends hanging out. Now I knew it felt so easy for a different reason.
And then there was the night I went with him to the end-of-year party after his first year of teaching.
He'd gotten plastered – like, slurring-his-words and couldn't-stand-up plastered – and I spent the night keeping an eye on him so he didn't do anything stupid.
At one point, he'd slung his arm around my shoulders and rested his head against mine.
I didn't think anything of it back then and just thought I was playing the role of responsible friend. Now I could see it for what it really was.
How the hell had I been so blind to it all?
I kept walking as the memories washed over me, each one driving home just how long I'd loved Rowan. And now with everything that had happened, I couldn't just walk away from him. I couldn't let him slip through my fingers just because his head was messing with him.
As I reached his building, I felt a knot of nerves tighten in my stomach.
I hadn't actually thought out how I'd approach him.
I'd respected his space when he told me to leave, even though it felt like I was turning my back on him.
But I didn't know if he'd be ready to talk to me yet. All I could do was try.
I opened the door to the entrance and nearly ran into Mrs Cavanagh on her way out. She jumped but immediately settled back down and wrapped her jacket tightly around her small frame.
"Ah, there you are," she said, a small grin tugging at her lips. "Didn't take you long to come back."
I returned the smile. "Hopped the train as soon as you called."
Her tone softened. "Good. He could use a friend right now."
My expression faltered as I glanced up the stairs. "How's he doing?"
"He's holding up, but... Well. He's got some way to go. He's not quite himself."
My chest tightened. I knew he wouldn't magically be okay a week after being nearly beaten to death, but hearing that Rowan was struggling made me wish I'd never left.
"If anyone can get through to him, it's you," she added. "You boys have always been close."
I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just smiled again and thanked her as she headed off down the street.
I took a deep breath and headed up the stairs to the quiet first-floor hallway.
When I reached his door, I hesitated. Just because he'd almost phoned didn't mean he would want to see me.
I could make things worse by showing up without warning.
I forced the doubt to the back of my mind and knocked lightly. After a while, I'd heard no sound from inside, so I knocked again, a little louder. I wondered briefly if he was in fact sleeping, and if he was, I didn't want to bother him. But then another thought forced its way in.
What if he thought I was Marcus?
That sent a chill down my spine. This time, I knocked and leaned closer to the door, calling loud enough that he should have been able to hear me. "Rowan? It's me, Eli."
I strained to hear any movement. Again, there was initially nothing but silence. But then I heard a deadbolt slide open.
Wait a minute. Deadbolt?
I didn't remember him having one before. It relieved a bit of my anxiety to know that at least he'd taken some steps to protect himself. But it also meant he was living in fear, and the thought of Rowan being scared in his own home made me sick.
The door creaked open slowly, and when Rowan's face appeared, I could see the flicker of startle in his eyes. His hair was tousled, and he didn't have his glasses on. But what struck me most was how exhausted he looked.
"What are you doing here...?" he said quietly, his voice hoarse.
I thought for a second about how to answer without overwhelming him. "I said I'd give you space. I didn't say I was leaving."
He paused, then opened the door a little wider and stepped aside to let me in. I could tell he wasn't entirely sure how to feel about me being there, but at least he didn't turn me away.