Rowan30
Rowan
For once, my mind went quiet. I couldn't think straight. Everything had narrowed down to Eli's mouth on mine, his hands on my waist, the way he held me together without having to ask what I needed. My thoughts blurred into heat and static. Everything else melted into the background.
My legs tightened around his hips to pull him closer – and make sure he stayed right where he was.
His hands drifted until his arms wrapped fully around me, holding me closer against him than I thought was possible.
I made a noise into his mouth as he deepened the kiss, something small and wrecked and completely foreign to me.
I didn't mean for this to happen tonight. The kiss was pure impulse, and the second it landed, I was sure I'd messed everything up. But now that the dam had broken, I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to give myself time to question it.
Eli pulled back to catch his breath, and maybe to give me a chance to catch mine, but I chased after him before he could get far. My mouth found his again, rougher this time. Needier. I didn't even know what I was asking for, really. Just more. More of this. More of him.
His hand slid up my back, gentle even now as he tightened his hold on me. Maybe he could tell how close I was to unravelling.
But to my relief, I wasn't afraid of it.
I didn't know how many times I kissed him or how long I let him kiss me back. I'd been holding this in for so damn long that now I couldn't rein it in. Every time I tried to slow down or pull away, something in me clawed for more.
But after a while, the rush started to catch up to me. My chest felt tight. My lungs burned from the lack of air. I finally had no choice but to ease back.
My forehead rested lightly against his after I broke the kiss. My skin felt too hot, and we were both out of breath. His arms stayed locked around me, but he didn't say anything right away.
When he did, I saw a hint of a grin tug at his lips. "Shit. Remind me to brace for impact next time."
The corner of my mouth twitched, and I let out a breath that almost counted as a laugh. "Sorry."
I wasn't actually sorry.
"Don't be. I just don't want to have to catch you again if you pass out on me."
That got a real laugh out of me. Quiet and a little shaky, but real. And it stayed, tugging at my lips until I realised I was smiling. Actually fucking smiling.
Eli stared at me for a second, then brought a hand up to my face. His fingers brushed gently at the corner of my mouth, his touch lingering there for a moment as he watched me. "I almost forgot what that smile looked like."
I didn't blame him for being surprised. Hell, I was surprised. I couldn't even begin to remember the last time I felt this light. "Me, too."
We both went quiet. For my part, I needed a second to catch up to what just happened. My hands rested against his chest, the warmth of him seeping into me and keeping me tethered to the present.
"You know," I said finally, my voice a little unsteady, "I think I've been holding that in since Year 10."
His eyes softened. "Yeah... I figured."
I straightened up and stared down at him. "You figured?"
"I've had time to think. Everything makes a lot more sense now." He lowered his hand to wrap his arms around me again. This time when he leaned in, he tapped his nose against mine and grinned. "Like how you used to look at me like I caught you stealing whenever we got too close."
I hid my face in his shoulder. "Ugh, god."
He laughed under his breath as his hand slid up to rub my back. "Don't worry. I wasn't exactly quick on the uptake." He fell silent, and I caught the shift in his voice when he spoke again. "It took almost losing you for it to really hit me."
I felt his hold tighten. Just a little bit.
"When I found you half-dead on the floor... That's when it clicked. Not just what you meant to me ... but how long you had. It's always been you, Ro."
Something sharp and bittersweet twisted in my chest. All these years... It wasn't as one-sided as I thought. Eli just never recognised it. And I was so terrified of messing up our friendship that I never had the guts to say anything.
When I finally pulled back to look at him, his expression was open and unguarded in a way that I'd never seen from him before.
"I started looking back at all of it. Everything I brushed off.
Every time I saw that you wanted to say something.
You always looked like you expected the floor to fall out from under you.
" His eyes flicked across my face, and he almost looked disgusted with himself. "I hate that I never asked why."
My throat tightened, but I couldn't look away.
"I don't know how much I missed," he went on, softer now. "But I don't want you to be scared to open up to me. I won't miss it anymore. Whatever you'll give me, whenever you're ready. And I'll get it right this time."
That did it. If there was anything still holding me back, it completely shattered. There was no pressure in his words. No guilt. Just a quiet, steady place to land if I wanted it.
And god, I wanted it.
My fingers curled lightly into the fabric of his shirt. When he kissed me this time, it was gentle. Full of promise. I leaned into it fully. I'd known I wanted him for a long time. But I didn't understand until right now just how much.
And I could finally trust it.
The kettle chose that moment to start beeping, and it quickly turned into an obnoxious noise that cut through the quiet. Eli eased back with a grumble and glared at it.
I barely held back a grin.
He turned back to me, clearly annoyed, but the edge of a smile tugged at his lips. He leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to the tip of my nose. "Hold that thought," he murmured, then he stepped away to deal with it.
I stayed where I sat on the counter, still warm from where his arms had been. The kitchen lights hummed softly as they cast everything in that same gentle glow. Yet somehow, it felt different now. I watched Eli move around the space, familiar and sure as ever, and let my thoughts drift.
If I'd said something to him back then... Would it have changed anything?
If I hadn't spent so long convincing myself Eli could never feel the same, would I have had the spine to turn away from all of it?
Could I have avoided Marcus entirely? Or would it have actually screwed everything up?
I could've said the wrong thing at the wrong time and lost him completely before I ever had the chance to find out what we could be.
I didn't know. I probably never would. But I had him now. That's what mattered.
* * *
The aisle smelled vaguely of cinnamon, peppermint, and some other Christmas nonsense that didn't belong in tea.
I stood there glaring at the two boxes in my hands as I tried to decide which one I'd hate less.
My usual was out – because of course it was – and Christmas being a week away meant the shelves were crammed with limited-edition flavours that all sounded like war crimes.
"Mulled wine toasted marshmallow," I read under my breath. "What the hell is that even supposed to taste like?"
"Sounds interesting."
I jumped slightly and shot Eli a look over my shoulder. "Don't sneak up on me like that."
He grinned. "I've watched you debate those two boxes for a solid five minutes. You're acting like it's a major life decision."
"It is." I held both boxes out. "It's either something that smells like a Yankee candle or something I can't even identify."
"Mm. Tough call. You know you're going to hate both."
"Yes, thank you, I'm aware." With as much dramatised suffering as I could channel, I chucked one of the boxes at his chest. He fumbled and barely caught it while clearly trying not to laugh at my predicament. "Just put that one in the basket."
"You sure?"
"No. But I'm picking the one that smells the least like emotional damage."
He snickered and dropped it in the basket without argument. "Progress."
I let the smallest smile pull at the corner of my mouth as we headed for the front.
Once we'd finished the shopping, we stepped out into the cold, our breath fogging the air as we turned toward the flat. Without thinking, our hands found each other. Neither of us said anything about it. We hadn't needed to for a while. It was just the natural thing to do now.
The street was quiet, lit by pale winter sunlight and an overload of colourful decorations and lights. I kept an eye on our surroundings, as usual, but it wasn't the same hyper-awareness it used to be.
It had been a few weeks since the last time we heard from Marcus.
No texts. No calls. No pounding at the door.
Part of me still expected him to resurface somewhere, but a bigger part hoped he'd finally gotten the message.
Now that someone had stood up to him – and, honestly, straight-up embarrassed him – maybe he'd finally decided his game wasn't worth playing anymore.
I hadn't let my guard down completely, but things were finally looking up for me.
Even my therapist agreed. She'd cleared me last week to return to work when the next term started, said the difference in my mental health was night and day from when I first walked in her office.
I'd be back in the classroom after the new year. Back to something normal.
The thought was just as encouraging as it was surreal. I couldn't even leave the flat a month ago, and now I –
"Shit." I suddenly stopped in my tracks. "What time is it?"
Eli pulled out his phone. "Little after two. Why?"
"Damn it, I forgot. I was supposed to drop off the term outlines at the school before they close up for Christmas."
"Do you have them on you?"
I shook my head. "They're at the flat. I meant to do it this morning and totally spaced."
He chuckled. "Alright, let's move."
We didn’t waste time. As soon as we got home, I dropped the shopping just inside the door and headed straight for the bedroom without bothering to stop or take off my coat.