CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN Cooper
We stood staring at one another on the sidewalk after Jennifer and Hastings drove off. Mikey doing his best to keep his cool with his hands buried in his pockets.
“You comin’ in?” he asked, kicking at the curb nervously.
“Should I?” I asked, realizing that everything had changed between us, and for the first time in our lives, we felt like strangers.
“Feels odd, don’t it?”
“Sort of,” I admitted. “I finally got my wish and now I’m not sure I know what to do,” I added. “I’m kinda nervous now.”
“Me too,” he confessed. “But I still want you to come in.”
“Are we really going to do this, Mikey?” I asked, looking across the street at my house and feeling a strong pull to run to my room.
“I’d like to, Coop,” he answered. “And if it helps, I’m scared shitless too,” he acknowledged.
“Really?” I felt a bit better at his admission.
“I’m just as new to this as you. Heck, I’d say even more so,” he said. “At least you’ve been gay longer.”
“Are you gay now?” I asked, truthfully wondering what happened in a day and a half, and how that was even possible.
“I want to be with you. I know that for sure,” he admitted. “Why don’t we go to my room and talk?”
“Sure,” I responded, taking another glance toward my house.
Why was I so terrified of him suddenly? This was exactly what I wanted and he was offering himself up on a silver platter, but I felt unexpected fear.
Mikey turned and headed for his house, stopping on the front porch and glancing back at me.
I hadn’t moved an inch because I was frozen with anxiety.
He made his way back to the sidewalk. “You’re afraid, aren’t you?” he asked, reaching for my hand.
I nodded and gazed into his eyes. He seemed calm, even mature. Maybe that’s where my fear came from.
He seemed to recognize my anxiety. “Are you more afraid of me or of what happens next?”
“Maybe a little of both?” I answered.
“I see,” he said softly. “Wanna call it a night then?”
“I think I do,” I said. “I’m sorry, Mikey, but I’m confused by all of this. The kiss. Your news. Them,” I added, gesturing down the street in Jen and Hastings’ last position. “Going to your bedroom. You. Us.”
He squeezed my hand. “That’s a lot of worry, Coop, but I get it, and that’s totally fine with me. I understand you might need time and like I said, I totally get it.”
“You seem so calm about all this,” I said. “Such a big change and I guess I’m still in shock. You know, happy, but confused. All at the same time,” I said. “I probably sound like a baby.”
“You sound like Cooper to me,” he replied. “I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else.”
I was stunned by his relaxed demeanor. Shouldn’t he be freaked out by being with me the way I wanted? The sudden shift had me worried because he even sounded different. He was calmer, cooler, and strangely wiser. I tilted my head and stared at him in amazement.
I pointed at him. “That. Right there, Mikey,” I said.
He looked behind him, letting go of my hand when he twisted around. After realizing what I must have meant, he turned back. “Am I doing something you don’t like?” he asked, shoving his hands back into his pockets.
“No, not exactly,” I said. “There’s just something unusual about the way you speak lately, and the words you choose. I can’t put my finger on it.”
Mikey seemed nervous. He went white for a second and appeared to be on edge. “You keep saying that, Coop. You’re acting like you don’t know me or something.”
“I can’t shake it,” I admitted. “There’s just something there. Not bad,” I quickly assured.
“What? You don’t like me now?”
“No, of course I do. You know I want to be with you, Mikey, but if you’re hiding something, you need to tell me.”
He threw his hands in the air and let them fall against his hips. “I’m not,” he whined, instantly sounding like himself again. “I just . . .”
He went silent and we stared at one another. The seconds felt like eons, glaciers could have formed during the uncomfortable hush, so I finished for him. “Lemme guess, you just can’t do this? Is that what you were gonna say?”
“No. That’s not it. I wouldn’t have said I could earlier.
That’s not what this is about, Coop,” he began.
“Yes, of course, maybe I am different.” Mikey moved his hands around wildly as he tried to articulate his thoughts.
“This, us, everything, it’s all gonna be different.
” He pointed to me and then back to himself, pressing his finger against his chest. “We’re different.
Our love is different, so yes, naturally I want to be different. ”
“Okay. I think I understand.”
“What the fuck is this, Coop? I’m really trying here, and I finally gave in to you and now you wanna give me shit about it?”
I hadn’t seen that comment coming. “You finally gave in to me?” I asked quietly.
His hands went to his face, most likely to hide his anger with me. “God!” he yelled. “That’s not what I meant.”
“But it’s what you said?” I replied. “It is exactly what you just said,” I repeated.
“Fuck me,” he moaned, leveling me with a defeated glare. “You’re just like . . .” He stopped in his tracks.
“Like Jennifer?” I accused.
“Fuck no,” he stated. “What are we doing, Coop?”
I turned away from him to gather my thoughts, making an attempt to control the fear that he wouldn’t love me like he said he would. For the first time in our friendship, I felt powerless.
I took a breath and faced him once more. “I don’t want to feel like I forced you to give in to me, Mikey,” I stated, more aggressive than I’d intended. “So how about no thanks? I think I’ll pass.”
“You can’t pass on us, Coop,” he said, stepping toward me. “I’ve waited too long for this.”
My eyes saucered. “You’ve waited too long?” I questioned. “You? It’s you who had to wait?” I raged. “Bullshit, Mike! That is total bullshit.”
My harsh words and the fact that I’d cussed stunned him and he staggered back in disbelief. “Alright, Coop. Yeah. Mmm-hmm, yeah,” he stammered, his eyes frantically moving around the neighborhood like a trapped animal. “Oh yeah. Okay. So now you don’t want me, is that it?”
“I didn’t say that,” I defended.
“You don’t like this me? I’m weird? I’m different? Is that what I’m hearing?” he raged. “Maybe Hastings is better for you? Is he who you want now?”
“Who I don’t want is this,” I said, gesturing to him and his out-of-bounds accusations.
“Well, that’s just perfect,” he steamed. “Then that is exactly what you’ll get.”
Mikey skulked back up the sidewalk and slammed the door behind him after he entered his house.
So much for being mature and wise.