Chapter 69 #2
Mark pushed further away from the comfort of Caster’s arms. This would either make everything better or it would break him.
But it was the only way. He couldn’t look at Caster’s face, unwilling to see his own emotions reflected there.
“I’ve often thought that I suppressed some of what happened that night.
That demon and the darkness there confirmed it.
” He looked at Caster and almost cried when all he saw was worry.
“That darkness felt familiar. Like I had seen it before.”
“But you don’t remember?”
He shook his head. “I remember how we got to that park.” He pulled the covers over his lower body, too aware of his emotional nakedness.
“Zeke came home that day and said he had a surprise for me.” He stared at his hands, the pieces of his broken heart cracking with the weight of that memory.
“I was so happy to see him. He’d been gone for a week, and I didn’t care about anything but being with him. ”
He glanced at Caster to find a subdued smile on his face.
He smiled, gathering his strength. “We spent the whole day together, most of it in wolf-form. At the end of what would have been the best day, he led me to this park that we often went to after dark, after all the humans had left. It felt like he was trying to tell me something, and he was having a hard time finding the words.” The memory of Zeke’s worried expression imposed on his mind, dragging him further away from the safety of here and now.
“But he didn’t get the chance. The air changed.
” He caught Caster’s gaze, needing him to understand something he’d tried and failed to comprehend over the years.
“I don’t know how else to explain it. It was like something weighed on the air, but my wolf couldn’t sense it. ”
Caster nodded, but remained a silent, immovable support beam, ready to catch him if he fell into his despair.
“I could never forget that fear. It was the last time I heard the warning howl of my wolf. Until the other day when the witch interrupted us.” He paused for a breath, Caster’s presence anchoring him. “Then it all happened so fast. We were surrounded in a split second—”
“By Bastian and his friends?”
Mark nodded, the anger evident in the now familiar tightening of Caster’s muscles grounding him further.
“I tried to transform, but I couldn’t.” He closed his eyes, searching for his wolf, who made his presence known with a low whine.
“I think I hesitated. I don’t know. Everything was a blur, and the vampires were too strong.
The next thing I know, I am holding on to a broken Zeke.
” He stared at Caster’s face, the tears he’d held back until now, tearing past their barriers to cloud his vision.
“He was broken, Caster. There were just”—his intake of breath was a gasp, his wolf howling out their shared pain — “pieces of him.”
Caster’s sharp breath drew him out of the past. “You don’t have to.”
He shook his head, determined to share everything.
“Then the witch was there. I tried to transform again, but I couldn’t.
She took a step toward me, the vampires behind her, and then there was this loud growl.
” He looked at his hands, the memory of Zeke’s blood coating them, tearing away a large piece of his heart. “Now, I know that it was James.”
Caster pulled him into his arms, and he had little hope of resisting. “That’s enough.”
The dam broke around his grief, and the heart he thought he’d mended last night shattered into its constituent pieces. Would he ever be free of this?
“Yes, you will, my love.” Caster tightened his hold. “If I have to destroy the world to make it better, that’s what I’ll do.”
He had to try twice to pull away from the comfort of Caster’s embrace. “My memory of that day is broken, Caster. I think I need to see it.”
Caster frowned. “You want to go back there?”
“Edie said that Ethel wants me because I’m the only one who can travel to the Underworld unharmed. Why would she want that, and how does the demon fit into it? I think that night holds the answers. Riley can send me back—”
Caster shook his head. “No.” His thumb grazed his cheek, doing little to erase the trickle of tears threatening to grow into a flood. “There is another way. We will find it.”
“I don’t want to.” He held his eyes shut, fighting with his mind to organize his argument.
He opened his eyes, determined to make his point.
“I can’t lose you. Not you.” He gripped Caster’s wrist, keeping his hand on his face.
“I felt helpless when you were stuck in that darkness. I can’t do that again.
” Caster opened his mouth to interrupt him, but he tightened his grip, sniffing back the fresh bout of tears.
“That darkness, that demon, they were familiar. Like I have seen them before. Like my wolf remembers them. We have little hope of fighting that witch if we don’t know of her true motives.
” He eased his hold, the fight in his voice easing to a small whisper.
“I can’t remember. Every time I try to, I fall apart.
It’s like there is a wall in my mind that shouldn’t be there. ”
Caster’s hand went to the back of his head, drawing him close so their foreheads touched. “I’m going with you.”
Mark expected that.
“And I am in control. I don’t like what happens, we get out.” His hand tightened. “I don’t think I can survive losing you either.”
The pain and the real sound of his heart shattering were still present, but drowned out by Caster’s tight hold, his soothing whisper, the familiarity of his body, and Mark allowed himself the reprieve.
Going back there will be the greatest challenge of his life, but the more he thought about it, the more he was convinced he needed to do it.
He couldn’t claim to love Caster if a part, a vital part of himself, remained stuck in the past.