Chapter 8 Wholeness
Carrying Lily through the heavy pine door of the first bedroom, I found a huge wooden king-sized bed.
I figured Jack could be as quick witted as he liked as long as it wasn’t for the rest of the day.
Although I knew that would be too much to ask.
It was only seven in the evening, and we had all night ahead of us.
Lily crawled up on the big, deep mattress on the bed and flopped down on her side sighing contentedly.
I sat on the bed beside her, took my wristwatch off and placed it on the bedside table.
Taking my cell out of my back pocket, I placed it next to my watch, and lay down beside her.
Turning in towards her I molded my front into the curve of her back.
I tugged her closer to me until there was barely any air between us.
I reached down to tug the heavy comforter that was folded at the foot of the bed and hauled it up and over us.
Once we were snuggled underneath, I snaked my left arm around her front placing my hand flat against her tiny belly tucking her even tighter.
She fitted the curl of my long frame wrapped around her perfectly.
I stopped to inhale her sweet feminine scent.
I had come to know that part of her so well, and sighed with contentment for the millionth time since I met Lily.
We’d had a long tour, and the first couple of days after were always the time when my energy levels went to zero. The one thing I hated about being in a band was constantly being surrounded by people when I wanted some peace and quiet.
Lily and I were exhausted. Lying alone with her in that warm dark room was everything.
It gave me the feeling of wholeness, satisfaction and pleasure I’d never known possible before I knew her.
The woman I was holding was the only person I was simply compelled to touch.
Looking at her had never been enough; being near her didn’t comfort me either.
No matter where we were or who we were with, if Lily was with me, I had to be touching her. I needed her, to make me feel complete.
Tenderly, I gathered her long, soft, dark hair to one side with my fingertips and I placed my lips gently against the heat of her silky skin at the nape of her neck.
“Are you comfortable, honey?”
“Mmm…I love when you do that. It makes me feel sexy.”
“That’s because you are sexy, honey. My mouth does that involuntarily. You smell and taste so fucking good.”
“God, Alfie, I love you so much.”
“I love you too. Always, baby.”
I squeezed her affectionately and released my grip slightly.
I didn’t want to wear us out with another round of sex because we still had to entertain again later.
So, I suggested a nap as I knew everyone else would be back or would want to go out exploring.
I wanted every second of our time together to be fun.
Lily giggled and partially wrapped her small hand around the hardness of my bicep. She gave it a little squeeze.
“Did you ever think we’d see the day when we would both climb into bed and just hug like this, Alfie?”
“Call it me being thoughtful and allowing you to gather your strength for later. I’m expecting to call in Jack’s suggestion.”
Lily froze for a second then sighed heavily. “I have a confession to make, Alfie. I wasn’t listening to him. What did I agree to?”
“You agreed to anal sex with me later.”
Lily’s body instantly stiffened. A pregnant pause developed between us, and I’m sure she stopped breathing when she realized my clarification.
“I did? Seriously?” The pitch of her voice bordered on hysteria.
“Indeed.”
“Oh,” Lily responded weakly, then took a long shaky breath but said nothing else.
I could imagine how her mind was hatching a plan to backtrack on what she thought she’d agreed to.
Lily had never wanted to explore the possibility of anal sex, but knowing I’d had groupies in the past that I’d had anal play with freaked her out.
When she let silence fall between us, I felt bad about teasing her like that.
I couldn’t keep the ruse going because I started snickering, and Lily struggled out of my hold rolling over to face me.
“Are you having me on, Alfie?”
“If you prefer to be on top, but I hear on your side is probably best for the first few times.” I laughed, and Lily swatted me hard on my chest then sat up resting back on her knees in the bed.
“Stop it, Alfie. I hate you. Tell me what I agreed to. I know that would have registered with me if it had been something like that.”
“No, you don’t, Lily. You just told me you loved me a minute ago.” When I tried to challenge her, a small chuckle broke through my speech, so I had to come clean.
“Alright maybe it wasn’t the mechanics were wrong, but you did agree to give me a blow job.” In the darkened room, I could still make out the shadows of her covering her face with her hands.
“How the hell do I face them again after that?”
“I hate to say this, Lily, but I’m a musician who was used to playing at a different bar every night at one point.
I had a lot of sex before I met you and long ago before I was famous.
Jack knows the rock star lifestyle; he’s interviewed enough of us to know how freaky life on the road gets for single guys.
Some married as well, but never for me, Lily. You know that,” I added quickly.
Lily bristled, and I instantly regretted what I had said.
“Look, I’m sorry this is coming out all wrong, but what I’m saying is, they know I’m not going to commit myself to someone who isn’t a match in the bedroom am I? They have to know you rock my world or they’d think I’m a limp dick or settling.”
“I don’t know, Alfie. I’m a rock star too, and I never cared about what anyone would think of your performance in bed with me when I met you.”
“When you met me neither of us were rock stars. Listen, Lily what do you think when you look at me?”
“I think you are the man I love…and I love you so much?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?”
“Alright, I’m telling you. What do you think when you see me?”
“That’s easy. I think, fuck, Alfie Black, how did you score so lucky with this beautiful, sweet, sassy girl? Then I think I won’t be satisfied until I’m inside you because I crave that closeness with you. That’s what I think.”
Lily sat silently in the dark, and I could hear her steady breathing as she considered my words. Eventually, I heard her swallow and she drew another breath before speaking.
“Well, that’s kind of where I am with you as well. Me feeling lucky I mean, and especially the part where I want you inside me,” she hurriedly added.
Reaching up I planted my large hand behind her slender neck and tugged Lily down and into my side hugging her.
Then I turned her back onto her side in the original position she was in before we started our conversation.
Tugging her closer, I snuggled up to her once again and kissed the top of her head.
Tracing a line from her shoulder to the shell of her ear with my tongue, the familiar warm smell of her rose-scented shampoo filled my senses.
“Then there’s your answer, Lily. They’ll know I’m with you because you are the best I’ve ever had.” I thought she would have known that. Her level of self-doubt astounded me.
Lily stiffened again, “I am?”
Her surprise stung a little because she was the woman I gave my heart to and it bugged me that she found that hard to believe.
“Of course you are. You’re the best because I never cared or loved any of the others. Only you. Lily, our connection, the chemistry between us and the power of our shared love for each other, it’s palpable, honey.”
“So, I’m not really the best, just the one that you loved back?” Lily tested as she struggled to trust my true feelings. It made me frustrated that she just didn’t seem to get how deep my feelings ran for her.
“Jesus, Lily, you’re overthinking this. I’m with you because I can’t imagine ever being with someone else now that I’ve had you.”
“Even if I don’t do anal? God, Alfie, do you think everyone thinks I do anal?”
I lay shaking my head in the dark at how fixated she’d become with that. Her concern about what other people thought pissed me off as well. I became angry with myself. I was an idiot for starting that conversation in the first place.
“How do you know they don’t do anal, Lily? I mean women or men don’t suddenly grow a horn because a dick has been up their ass. And before you ask, I’ll clear that up as well. There has never been a dick up my ass.”
Lily lay quietly contemplating what I’d said, then she seemed to settle down and we fell into a silence. I lay listening to her steady breathing, and the mattress was so comfortable I felt like I was sinking into it. I had begun to drift into a light sleep when Lily spoke again.
“What if I never do it, Alfie? What if you get bored with me? What if I feel that to keep you I’d have— ”
“Lily! For fuck’s sake stop it. I’m not going to force your ass to have sex with my dick, alright?
I’m not going to leave you because I might want to have anal sex, and I’m not going to be less content because you don’t want to.
It’s a hard limit for you. I respect that; just like water sports is a hard limit for me.
You piss on me, and you’re out on the street, do you understand me? ”
Lily began giggling, and I knew she was remembering us watching porn one night, and there was a couple performing.
The woman kept squirting when she came, and the guy was getting off on it.
It’s something I found gross, as did Lily, and we were talking for hours about how perverse some people seemed to stretch their sexual boundaries after we’d seen it.
My joke had backfired badly, and I felt terrible that Lily felt pressured by my past into thinking I’d be less into her if she didn’t experiment that way.
I knew it was difficult for her to know that I’d been there in the past. I had known it was something she worried about, but she had insisted on us being honest with each other, so when she asked me whether or not I’d had anal before I’d told her the truth.
From that point on, she had difficulty accepting it wasn’t something I needed to do again.
When we were getting to know each other, Lily asked me questions about my sex life that had me cringing before I’d answered. But I always answered. Lily was relatively inexperienced when I’d first met her, hence her insecurity about being enough for me.
“Lily, a man can spend a lifetime inside thousands of different women. There may even be a few he connects with for longer. And don’t forget all the dynamic hurdles in those numbers.
It may be that the connection is one-sided on his part as well.
Each may satisfy the other temporarily through one thing they find in common.
However, it’s the connection that runs so deep it seeps into your soul that binds two people for infinity, and that creates the magic.
I believe we’re limited by our own insecure thoughts when we love someone with our whole hearts.
If I could take my heart and lay it on the table, you’d see the truth that’s in there.
Every chamber, artery and vein is filled with my love for you.
You don’t even have to look for my soul because you stole that the first time I kissed you. ”
Lily took my hand and laid a soft kiss in the center of my palm, then held it next to her heart.
“You’re my world, Alfie. I can’t help feeling how I sometimes do, but thank you for reminding me why I love you.”
Eventually calm returned between us. I could feel her slow even breaths.
Her chest expanded and released with her settled mind.
It became a soft, steady rhythm, and I knew she had dozed off.
I lay awake because the thought of losing Lily scared me to death.
Hell, I’d go as far as to say I’d even thought that if someone had to die I’d hoped it was me because I already knew I couldn’t live without her.
Thinking about it used the last of my energy, and I don’t remember falling asleep.