Chapter 27 Orion
Orion
I kissed Harper, silencing her words, deflecting like I always did because she was right about everything.
Later. I’ll deal with it all later.
That was fast becoming another mantra, but all thought was burning up in my desire for her.
How she’d stood at my side tonight—even from across the table—brave in the face of my intimidating parents, to explain in succinct terms my complicated diagnosis.
I’d seen grown men cower under my father’s hard stare, but Harper…
My girl is unafraid…
We were nearly at the bed when three soft knocks came at the door, followed by one harder one. The secret code.
Harper froze. “Oh shit.”
“It’s okay. It’s one of my brothers.”
I answered the door to Odin. “It’s Octavian. Come quick. Backyard.”
The look on his face was enough for me to not waste time with questions. “I have to go,” I told Harper. “It’s Tav.”
“I’ll come too…”
“No, stay here,” I said. “Stay warm and safe. Please.”
She started to argue but nodded stiffly. “Text if you need me.”
“I will.”
I ran next door to my room, grabbed my coat and galoshes, and followed Odin downstairs and outside. My heart clanged faster and heavier with every step to the immense grounds behind the house.
“I tried to get him to come back,” Odin said, “but he insists on talking to you.”
“Come back from where…?”
The word trailed away like smoke. I could just make out a dark figure in the middle of the white ice of the lake.
Oh fuck.
It was cold in Surrey, but not that cold. Not cold enough to freeze the lake all the way through.
“Tav,” I called, trying to keep the panic out of my voice. “I’m here. You can come off now. Now.”
Octavian stood with his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt, his breath like a chimney, underdressed for the cold.
“Come on, Tav, you’ve made your point,” I called while Odin pulled a long branch off one of the dead trees that surrounded the lake. “We’re all sufficiently scared shitless.”
I heard the ice crack, and the eerie, high-pitched whining sound went straight down my spine.
“I didn’t come out here to scare anyone,” Tav said. “Or maybe I did. But this feels…honest?”
He was too far away to make out his face, but I could tell he was looking at me.
“Honestly terrifying?” I called. “If you don’t come back, Odin and I will be forced to belly crawl to you, and I don’t want to get my favorite shirt wet.”
“Always with the jokes,” Tav said with a sigh and rocked on his heels as if he were waiting for a bus.
Odin dragged the branch to me, and we exchanged helpless glances.
“Come on, Tav,” I said. “I…I don’t want to lose you.”
“That’s better, thank you. I don’t want to lose you either.”
“You’re not going to lose me,” I called.
“I might,” he called back. “When you said you had dyslexia, I thought, Thank God, now we’re getting somewhere.
This ghost of Mozart, who’s been haunting our house forever, is going to be what he’s supposed to be.
But you’re going to tell me you’re going to throw it all away to work for Father’s business? ”
“That’s what this is about? Jesus, come inside and we can talk about it.”
Silence. I tried again.
“Has a certain Ezra Wolfe been in contact with you, by any chance?”
Odin punched my shoulder.
“All right, all right,” I muttered, then louder, “You’re right, Tav. I had a straightforward path, and now I can’t see where I’m going. Okay? Happy? Now will you get the fuck off the ice?”
Octavian stood still a moment more. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
But he was already walking back toward us. I held my breath, listening to the ice crack and whine as my brother made his way back to shore. I aged a hundred years waiting for him to reach us. Odin wrapped a coat around him, and we three stood together, our breaths pluming, clutching each other.
Octavian grinned at me from under his curls. “Not knowing your path is better than locking yourself up in a box and throwing away the key.”
“So glad you approve,” I muttered. “Can we go in now?”
“Yes, let’s. It’s quite cold out.”
Odin and I exchanged incredulous glances, and we hurried inside, into the family sitting room. Odin lit a fire. Tav sat on the floor, warming his hands. I slumped on the couch, adrenaline leaving me drained, and shot Harper a text.
All good. Be up soon.
Glad to hear it but hurry, she texted back. Pretty sure I just saw the Headless Horseman.
I grinned. I will.
“She’s great,” Tav said, watching me. “Keep her. Marry her. God knows, this family could use ten more just like her.”
I put my phone away. “We can talk about my love life later. First, what the bloody hell was that?”
Odin nodded. “That wasn’t funny, Tav. What’s with you, lately?”
“Given what I have learned over the last year, I felt it necessary to impinge upon Orion the severity of the situation,” Octavian replied.
“Sure, what’s a little emotional blackmail among brothers?” I muttered. “You scared the crap out of us.”
“Good. But I knew the lake wouldn’t break. I saw an elk walk across this morning.”
Odin and I exchanged dubious glances. The whining crack of ice told us otherwise, but we were too glad he was home safe to argue.
“Besides,” Tav continued gravely, “sometimes it takes a brush with death to learn what’s at stake.”
“What do you mean?” Odin said, joining me on the couch.
Our brother’s green eyes—our mother’s eyes—gazed into the fire. “A friend of mine died by suicide three months ago. No, that’s not true. He wasn’t a friend. He was my boyfriend.”
Odin and I exchanged wide-eyed glances, identical bolts of shock running through us. Neither had known our brother was gay, or however he identified, but that wasn’t the point.
He was alone. Alone in who he was, and alone in his grief, just like me. Because we don’t talk about anything. Not a bloody thing.
“Tav…” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me too,” Odin said gruffly.
“I’ll tell Mum and Father. I planned to this very night, actually, then you upstaged me with your announcement.” Octavian smiled into the fire. “But I’m not afraid. That’s what losing Skyler…” He stopped and looked at us, his eyes full. “His name was Skyler.”
Immediately, and at the exact same time, Odin and I slipped down to the floor, one to each side of our brother, and put our arms around him.
“That’s what losing Skyler did for me,” he continued, his voice thick. “You realize what is valuable and what is bollocks. I’m not going to follow in the business. I’m going to wander around Europe for a while and figure out who I am and what I want.”
“Okay,” Odin said. “You do that.” He looked to me. “And if you want to play, play. I’m going into the business. I want to go into the business. I want to follow in Father’s footsteps. Always have.”
My gaze jumped between my brothers, both of them looking at me expectantly. “I…I don’t know. I’ve always planned on going into the business too. Piano was always just…”
“Something you loved,” Octavian said, and Odin nodded. “You loved it until they told you enough times it was just a hobby. Nothing serious. Nothing you could actually do and make them proud. Right?”
I swallowed hard. “Maybe,” I whispered. “I don’t want to be an embarrassment. If I go out in the world like I am…”
“There’s nothing wrong with who you are,” Odin said and looked between us, like the big brother he was. “None of us.”
“Orion…” Octavian smiled through his tears. “Don’t wait until someone falls through the ice to find that out.”
***
We went our separate ways to bed, and I passed by my mother’s favorite drawing room and heard voices. Mum and Father were sitting by another fire—our estate had thirteen or fourteen chimneys; I could never remember—and talking in quiet voices. It was clear they hadn’t heard our commotion outside.
“You’ll take care of him, won’t you?” Mum was saying, sipping a tiny glass of port. “If it’s true about that dyslexia, we need to protect him.”
I froze, listening, and suddenly I was ten years old again, listening as my first diagnosis was handed down and discussed.
“I will,” Father said. “It’s more important than ever to keep him in the family business.”
“But what about Cambridge?”
“If he wins the Novus Science prize, we can claim he’s precocious enough to skip it. He won’t have to struggle out there or embarrass himself. And no one needs to know.”
“I like that,” Mum said. “It’s a private matter, and he’ll be safe. Thank you, dear.”
The issue settled, he took her hand in his, and they smiled stiffly at each other and watched the fire.
I headed back upstairs slowly.
Protect him.
He won’t have to struggle or embarrass himself.
He’ll be safe.
No one needs to know.
In my room, Harper pulled me into bed. “Everything okay?”
“Yep,” I said, grateful for the dark hiding my expression. “All good.”