Chapter 21 #2
“I love you,” he murmured. “I’ve loved you since you were thirteen and too proud to admit you were hungry.
Loved you when you graduated college and I couldn’t be there.
Loved you through every relationship you’ve had with men who weren’t good enough for you, knowing I was the worst.” His voice fractured on the last word and he pressed his forehead to hers.
“Every good thing I tried to do made me less worthy of you. I did them anyway.”
“Thomas—” Her heart was breaking for him. For them. Her thumb caught the dampness at the corner of his eye.
“I am the worst thing that could happen to you.”
“You’re also the only thing that ever felt inevitable.” Some forces weren’t chosen. They chose you, and all you could do was stop pretending and start surrendering.
“Nadia.” A plea, a pledge. Then he was pushing inside her.
Then he was moving over her. An age-old rhythm, measured at first, almost reverent, until the last thread of his control broke.
Braced on his forearms, his hands found hers and pinned them beside her head, their fingers interlacing. Her legs wrapped around him, pulling him deeper, and the noise he made against her neck was so raw, so undone, that her own eyes pricked with tears.
Their pace quickened, their breaths grew erratic until she felt herself falling, breaking apart. Collapsing. A complete, utter dismantling of self. Then reassembled into something new, someone whole. Someone different.
He found relief on a deep moan, his face buried in the crook of her neck, his lips sucking on her skin. His arms bound around her back. She couldn’t get any closer to him as he pulled her over the edge with him if she tried.
“Nadia. My love,” he whispered against her ear.
Love. And the things they did for it. It was the last thought on her mind before she fell asleep in his arms, their legs entwined, the final sliver of daylight fading.
Nadia sensed Thomas was already awake when she came to, cocooned in his arms, her back to his front, their legs folded together under the covers she didn’t remember pulling over them. She felt rested, but the room was still dark.
“What time is it?” she whispered.
“A little after two.”
Had it really been less than twenty-four hours since they left the safe house? She’d slept for eight of them. Incredible, given how paranoid she’d been feeling.
“How long have you been up?”
“Not long,” he answered in a quiet tone. But his delivery gave away that his thoughts had woken him up and been keeping him awake.
She turned in his arms. They shared a pillow.
Moonlight poured through the window, casting his features in muted grays.
She lightly ran her fingernails through his hair then traced his jaw line over his smooth skin.
He’d shaved when he showered. Her thumb slid over his lips as she wondered what troubled him.
“Have you heard from James?”
He shook his head. “I just called him. He didn’t pick up.”
“Is it possible he doesn’t have his phone on him?”
“Possible, but not likely.” He tenderly kissed her thumb, his hand gliding along her hip and up her waist to curve over her ribs. His thumb caressed the underside of her breast. She shifted her legs, slipping one over his thigh, sleep sliding off her body as she brought herself even closer to him.
“Aimee offered to reach him when I told her how worried you were about him and his family.” The muscles under her fingertips tensed.
They never had discussed who they could call or what they were allowed to say.
“She thought he might answer a call from her. She’ll try to convince him to get in touch with you. ”
The hand curved over her ribs pressed into her skin. “If she can do that, for me, I would be… I don’t know what, exactly. Grateful, definitely. Even if she doesn’t convince him, tell her thank you. I know how she feels about me.”
“I’m sorry he hasn’t called. I know it’s agony not knowing.”
“It is, but we both know why he’s ghosting me. The last thing he ever wanted was to have to disappear again.”
Nadia presumed by now the FBI would have presented him with a similar option to the one Cammy was working on for them.
“Any word on your mom?” she asked.
She heard his breath catch in his throat and inwardly wept for bringing Claire up.
But her disappearance had to be taxing on him.
She didn’t know exactly when her mind had changed—when she had changed—but Nadia had woken up knowing where she stood with Thomas, whether or not he agreed.
They were in this together, which meant sharing their plans, what was on their minds, and what disturbed them. No more secrets.
“Nothing since Kane went dark. I keep thinking—” He faltered mid-sentence, his fingers fidgeting along her ribs.
Nadia reached for his hand and drew it up between them, kissed his fingers. “Tell me.”
“I keep thinking about Phil. What he endured before they killed him.”
“You’re afraid they’re doing the same to her.” The same thought frequently crossed her mind.
“Terrified.”
“She’s strong, Tom.”
“Not for this. She’s almost seventy. This is all on me.”
“Stop right there. Don’t you dare think that.
” She clasped his jaw, forcing him to meet her eyes.
“This is not on you. It isn’t your fault.
I won’t let you take the blame for this,” she insisted, realizing as she spoke that her own tune was changing.
She was viewing the Donatos’ situation with the cartel with newfound and startling clarity.
“If you need to blame someone, blame Phil. Blame the Hidalgos.”
“Isn’t it though? My fault? My father dragged me into this, but I chose to withhold it from James. If I’d told him what was happening…”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything,” she said before he started unraveling.
He’d brought this up with her before. How often did he dwell on this on his own?
Infinitely, she guessed. Guilt was her own constant companion.
“He’s as strong headed as you. He still would have gone after Phil, especially after what Phil had done to Aimee.
But even if he hadn’t, the DEA and FBI still would have raided Donato Enterprises and all those other businesses.
They still would have captured and sentenced Fernando Ruiz and his second-in-command, and he would still be set on vengeance.
None of that would have changed. We’d still be running for our lives. ”
“You wouldn’t be. You wouldn’t have been involved at all if I hadn’t had to fake James’s death. You never would have come looking for me at the funeral home. I will always regret forcing you to cooperate. That will never change.”
Just as she always regretted going along with him at the risk of jeopardizing her friendship with Aimee.
But if the past seventy-two hours had shown her anything, it was why he’d been so adamant about keeping James’s existence secret.
The Hidalgos were terrifying. Her unexpected arrival hadn’t given him any other choice but to force her cooperation.
Had she told Aimee about James back then and Aimee had gone looking for him before Fernando Ruiz had been captured, she could have gotten both James and herself killed.
Phil could have gotten wind of the FBI investigation which could have sent Fernando Ruiz underground.
Who knows how many people would have died during the years he should have been imprisoned.
“I am involved,” Nadia said, stoically acknowledging her role in this.
Accepting how much Thomas meant to her. Had always meant to her.
Always present on the periphery, whether of her mind or in her life since the day he gave her a ride to meet up with Aimee at the Goat, no questions asked.
Somehow, they always circled back to each other, each time with deepening feelings and heightened desire, despite how hard they fought against the inevitability of them coming together.
But there was something she couldn’t accept, and that was giving up their lives and having to start over. That he’d never again see the family he fought hard to protect. Or that she’d never see her own again.
Always the planner and one who didn’t only prefer, but needed options, she took a deep breath. “I understand you want us to disappear. I do. But Tom, I need to know—if there was another way, would you take it?”
“The only other way is death.”
“Tom…”
He closed his eyes. “Yes, if there was another way, I’d take it. In a heartbeat. I just don’t see what—”
She pressed her fingers to his mouth. “We’ll figure something out. Together. Now, is there anything else bothering you other than the obvious?”
His eyes shifted down and he shook his head. She had the sense he was holding something back so she wouldn’t overly worry. Too late for that. She’d be in a constant state of worry until this resolved.