Chapter Six #2
Icouldn’t help thinking Kevin’s reaction was probably more like what my father would have wanted from me.
My husband seemed genuinely pleased for my father and Oliver.
Great. I could add guilt to my already-boiling-over emotions.
Kevin had always had a good relationship with my father, and I was thankful for that.
It was childish and unfair to expect him to hold a grudge on my behalf for what my father had done to our family years before Kevin came into the picture.
After all, it wasn’t his grudge to bear.
My marriage could have gone completely the other way.
I could have wound up with a husband unforgiving of my family history, or worse, not accepting.
I’d been petrified of that possibility, which was why I’d held back the truth from Kevin the entire first year of our courtship.
When Kevin had proposed on a summer night in 1996, he’d done everything right—the romantic setup, the champagne, the beach house, the ring. And then I had to spoil it.
Here goes. I dove in. “I have to tell you something, and it isn’t easy.” I stopped talking, unsure of how to proceed.
“What? What’s wrong?” Kevin furrowed his brow. He’d had a big smile on his face all night long that was now replaced by worry lines and a frown.
“What if I wasn’t who you thought I was?” I asked.
“What do you mean? I know who you are.” He looked confused and moved closer to me on the couch at his Seal Beach apartment, where we’d been enjoying celebratory champagne minutes before.
I jumped up, needing to put some distance between us to give me courage to continue. Kevin’s arms around me, comforting me, might make me chicken out.
“There’s something about me you don’t know, Kevin. And it’s... it’s hard to tell you. But you need to know before we get married.”
“Okay, now you’re scaring me. What’s this about?” He dashed his hands through his thick blond hair.
“It’s a secret that I haven’t shared with many people. I don’t intentionally hide it, but it’s really none of anyone’s business. But it will be your business if you’re going to be my husband.”
“Lena, there’s nothing you can tell me that would make me change my mind about getting married.”
My hand went to my mouth as a soft sob escaped. Tears dripped from the corners of my eyes. I wiped them away, trying to stay strong. Don’t break down now. Get it over with. I wanted it in the past, behind us.
“It’s not really about me. It’s about my family. About my parents. It will all make sense once you find out, but I’m so scared it’s going to freak you out.”
“What’s freaking me out is you keeping me in suspense. I can handle a family issue. What I can’t handle is you not trusting me enough to let me in. Please tell me what this big secret is, Lena.”
I cringed. I was making this harder by not blurting it out. By being a coward. Our future was at stake. I needed to trust him. I did trust him. Now was the time to prove it.
“Okay, I’m sorry. I’ve been so nervous about how to tell you, but here goes. My father...” I sputtered, crying even harder.
Kevin squeezed my arm, encouraging me to continue.
“My father is gay.”
There, I’d said it. Out loud. To Kevin.
“Oh...” Kevin said, staring at me. “That’s your big secret? Lena, my God, you had me freaked out.”
“I’m sorry. It’s not something I share. I’m so used to keeping it secret.”
Kevin looked like he was processing, his forehead creased in thought. He started pacing back and forth a few feet away. “This explains so much. Holy shit.”
He was piecing things together. My intense loyalty toward my mother, which Kevin always thought went beyond the average bond between parent and child—including kids who had experienced the infidelity of one parent.
How I always skirted questions of who my father was dating and asked Dad not to bring a plus-one to family events.
“Yeah, we’re a strange family. Unconventional for sure.” I hiccupped from crying.
He came over to me and took my hands. “But, Lena, why didn’t you tell me before? Did you really think I would care? Do you think I’m homophobic or something? Have more faith in me than that.”
“I know this will sound strange, but it was less about you and more about me. It was the way I grew up.”
“Well, I’m not going anywhere,” Kevin said. “This changes nothing about us—you hear me?”
I nodded, relieved and exhausted, and leaned my head against Kevin’s.
“We’ll have to fill in my family before the wedding, but we’ll deal with that together,” he said.
His family. Of course they’d have to be told at some point. Ugh. Why can’t I just have a normal family like Kevin’s? I hated that no matter how much time had passed, the secret was still hiding in the closet, festering like a boil.
“Can’t we just keep it quiet just for a little while? There will be so much going on with the wedding planning, and our families meeting each other. This will take over.”
Dammit—I’m still doing it. I’d poked my head out of my turtle shell only to pull it right back in.
I didn’t want to crawl out of that shell.
What I wanted to do was bask in the glow of being engaged, with nothing tainting it.
A marriage proposal should be one of the happiest moments of my life.
I wanted to have this moment, not have to face my past head-on.
I wanted to get a break from navigating all the twists and turns I’d had to deal with since I was a little girl, censoring what I revealed when and to whom.
It was exhausting keeping up the charade, but hiding had become my safe place.
I squeezed Kevin’s hand. “For now, can we just focus on us, please? This is our time. Let’s not let anything overshadow celebrating our engagement, okay?
” I smiled and kissed him, and the past faded away.
I was certain it would come back, but for that moment in the summer of ’96, I’d kept it at bay.