Chapter Sixteen
FRANK - NEW ROCHELLE, NY
Frank looked at Henry and breathed an exasperated sigh.
They’d been over this many times before in their eight years together, disagreeing about their affair and about coming out.
Their bickering sounded like a broken record.
Frank could tell that Henry was more ready than he was, further along on the coming-out spectrum.
Henry tried to reason with Frank. “Not an easy boat we’re in, is it?” He wasn’t literally talking about his boat. “Always keeping our heads down, watching our backs, covering our tracks.”
Frank said nothing. He stared ahead at the whitecaps in the water across Long Island Sound.
“Why do people care? We just want to live our lives. It’s none of their business. We’re not hurting anyone,” Henry continued.
Frank turned and looked at him. He shook his head quickly in disbelief.
“What?” Henry asked.
“We are hurting people. Lots of people. Our wives, our children...”
Henry turned his head back toward the front of the boat, looking pensive. “Okay, okay. You’re right. I guess I meant... other people.”
“We’re not lying to other people,” Frank said.
“Yes, we are, Frank. We’re lying to everyone. Our families, our jobs, our friends... ourselves.”
Frank didn’t protest. Henry was right. They were lying to everyone. And Frank hated himself for it.
“I’m just saying that what a man does behind closed doors is his business,” Henry said. “Who he sleeps with, who he prefers. That’s his inner thoughts. No one else needs to know. It’s not a crime, for God’s sake.”
Frank looked at him and laughed. It was a crime, and Henry knew it. Sodomy was against the law, and homosexuality was against the church. Both Frank and Henry could lose their jobs if someone found out about them. They could end up in jail.
Understanding his laugh, Henry threw up his hands.
“Ugh! Well, it shouldn’t be. That’s what I’m saying.
You shouldn’t be fired because of who you sleep with or love.
What you do in your private time should be private, not something you can be put in jail for or cast out of so-called decent society for. ”
Frank stayed silent. He agreed with Henry, but he still found it uncomfortable to talk about these things out loud.
Henry seemed so much more at ease with it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to be talking about two men having sex with each other.
Henry, a Protestant whose family wasn’t devout, didn’t wrestle with Catholic guilt over this being a sin.
Frank was envious. He tried—he really did—but he still couldn’t shake the thought that this was wrong, even though it felt so right.
When it was just him and Henry alone, it felt so natural.
But when he was back in the world, he was riddled with guilt and often second-guessed their affair.
He felt horrible about what he was doing to Teresa and the kids and was often shocked by the sheer betrayal of his actions.
He wondered if he would ever fully accept who he was or if he would always be torn between wanting to be this version of himself and hating himself for it.
Henry put his arms around Frank from behind in a conciliatory gesture.
He rested his head on Frank’s shoulder, and they both looked out at the horizon.
Frank nuzzled Henry’s neck. He worried that Henry might get impatient and choose not to stick around.
Henry loved him, but maybe Henry loved the idea of being openly gay more than sneaking around with Frank.
Frank didn’t want to lose Henry. He’d finally found someone he could be himself with after hiding for so many years. He watched the waves fly by as the boat crested and fell over them, wondering if he would ever catch up to Henry.