Chapter 24
THE O’HAGANS SEND THEIR REGARDS
Becca
What, I think, is the worst that could happen?
Laura is my friend. One of my oldest friends.
She loves me and I love her. And no firm decisions have been made about Conal’s and my future yet anyway.
Although I assume that at this point he will want to rescind his offer of moving in together.
I’m not sure how else we can proceed. The offer will have been tainted in his eyes.
I had been hoping the universe would throw me a bone and have him message me while I was at choir telling me he’d had all the space he needed and he missed me so very much.
You know that old ‘a watched kettle never boils’ saying – the modern version being ‘a watched WhatsApp never updates’?
With my phone buried in the bottom of my bag and very unwatchable, I was really hoping there would be a sneaky wee message waiting for me by the time we were leaving the church hall. There was not.
There was only a message from Saul telling me that he had been walking through Manchester city centre and one of the street drinkers had kicked a pigeon at him.
Another day living the dream, he’d written. I have to give Saul his dues. You never know just what exactly he’s going to say next. He keeps me on my toes.
I figure I can use the pigeon story as an opener when Laura gets into my car and we are waiting to order our McNuggets.
Driving towards the Strand Road, I try to think of all the possible outcomes of this conversation.
1) She will tell me that Conal is devastated and has run away to join the French Foreign Legion. At least half of this outcome is unlikely, but I guess there’s a good chance Conal is annoyed. He certainly looked annoyed as he stomped back across the grass that night.
2) Conal is annoyed and therefore, by dint of her genetic link to him, she is also annoyed. She may feel compelled to join him in some sort of Game of Thrones-level feud. I can already foresee a ‘The O’Hagans send their regards’ type bloodbath. There might be an element of truth to this.
3) She feels stuck in the middle, again, and hasn’t a clue how to handle the situation. Much like myself. And much like myself, she might just want to run and hide from it all.
Whatever the outcome, it’s not a conversation I’m particularly looking forward to.
I’d have been really happy to continue the evening in my little bubble of choral singing joy but I know I can’t ignore how awkward everything is.
At least, I console myself, I get to eat nuggets and a medicinal McFlurry to ease my discomfort.
As I sit in the car park and wait for Laura to arrive and jump into the passenger seat beside me, I wonder, do we look like we are up to something illicit and dangerous?
A drug deal, or a spy mission – something like that.
Something cool that no one would expect of a pair of forty-something mammies.
I’m a granny for God’s sake. I can’t be up to selling marijuana outside of McDonald’s.
A knock on the passenger door window scares the living daylights out of me and I jump, proving at once I’d be a shite dealer. I can’t help but let out that most famous of all Northern Ireland expressions: ‘Jesus, Mary, St Joseph and the wee donkey.’
‘It’s only me,’ Laura says, opening the door. ‘I didn’t mean to give you a scare.’ She gets into the car and closes the door.
‘I was off in my own wee world thinking about sneaky meetings in car parks and what people might think, so your timing was perfect.’ I smile.
‘What were you thinking about? A secret tryst between illicit lovers? A bit of dogging perhaps?’ She grins.
‘Laura O’Kane, I would not think of such things! It was more along the lines of drug deals and espionage.’
‘In fairness I have heard that the Strand Road McDonald’s in Derry is a KGB hotspot,’ she mocks.
‘Joke all you want. Stranger things have happened. Sure the German U-boats surrendered here during the Battle of the Atlantic.’
‘Outside McDonald’s? I don’t think so,’ she says, clearly wearing her sarky pants. It’s nice to have her joking. It doesn’t quite thaw the ice completely, but it’s a start.
We both laugh and then we fall into what can only be described as an uncomfortable silence. Laura is first to break it. ‘I think I’ll just get a McFlurry today. I had my tea before I came out. I’m not sure I could handle a Happy Meal this close to bedtime.’
‘How times have changed,’ I say with a smile.
‘Times, and my metabolism,’ Laura says. ‘I sadly no longer have the ability to scoff excess carbs and not gain an immediate half a stone.’
She looks down at her still pretty flat stomach and I think of the tummy rolls I know are currently tucked into my belly warmers. But stuff it, I’m going to have some nuggets anyway. And a McFlurry. Because I’m worth it.
It doesn’t take long to get our food and to find a spot at the far end of the car park looking out over the River Foyle.
‘I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve been so quiet given everything that’s going on with Conal,’ she says as soon as we have wolfed our Smarties McFlurries down.
‘Well, yes and no,’ I say, afraid of where this might go. ‘You’re busy with uni and settling in there. And I get that has your focus and I definitely get that you want to stay out of things between Conal and me, because he’s your brother and with everything that happened with Simon…’ I trail off.
Laura shifts in her seat, turning to look at me. ‘Look, can I be honest?’
I want to say yes. I need to say yes. But my whole body is screaming no. It’s screaming, Tell me whatever version of this will make me feel okay about myself and not want to throw myself off a cliff. I force myself to nod and gird my loins for what comes next.
‘Conal is my brother and I love him. It’s only him and me now, you know. Mammy would haunt me into the next life if I didn’t have his back. But you’re my friend, and I love you too. Of course Mammy did as well.’
I pull a face. Because we both know that while Kitty did indeed love me, once upon a time, she would have gladly had my guts for garters after Laura and I fell out.
I absolutely don’t blame her for feeling like this, especially since I know how much Laura was hurt by our falling out.
Conal and Laura have done their level best to assure me that Kitty O’Hagan always retained a soft spot for me and hoped that one day Laura and I would become friends again, but it is a cause of some distress to me that she didn’t live to see that day – that I didn’t get to apologise to her for hurting her daughter.
‘Laura…’ I start, but she raises her hand to stop me and starts to speak before I have the chance to get back into my full flow.
‘Can you let me just say what I need to? Please?’
The urge to throw up swoops back in and I’m a little worried I’m about to see a Smarties McFlurry return in glorious technicolour.
‘I haven’t spoken to Conal,’ she says. ‘You’re absolutely right.
I don’t want to get into the middle of it.
So I’m avoiding talking to you both. Because we do have a history that might make me particularly nervous about what could happen if you break up.
That I might be worried that once again a boy would get between us.
That it would become messy and, let’s face it, I’m the disposable one. ’ Her voice cracks.
‘What?’ Incredulity is written all over my face. ‘Why would you think that?’ But before I’ve even finished asking the question I know the reason already. She thinks it because she was disposed of before. But I had been grieving the loss of my marriage and not in my right mind then and…
She just looks at me knowing as well as I do there is no need for her to answer my question.
‘That was different, and it was a long time ago. Things have changed. I’ve changed and I know – God, I know – that you were hurt badly, but I was hurt too.
I thought you’d seen me as disposable – that you were putting Aidan first, which I could understand.
But you were also putting bloody Simon first and that… ’ I trail off.
‘You got to keep Niamh,’ she says in a small voice. ‘It has always been you and Niamh at the centre of this and I’ve been the third wheel.’
‘That’s just not true,’ I say. ‘Well, it’s true Niamh stuck with me after my marriage broke up, but you were never a third wheel, Laura. How can you think that?’
‘Because you and Niamh, you are next level,’ Laura says. ‘I love that for you. I love your bond. And now that Clara is here, you have that granny thing going on. That’s not going to happen for me for a long time – if God’s good to me – so I can’t relate.’
‘We’re a hell of a lot more than just grannies you know,’ I say, unable to get that defensive gremlin in my head to sit the fuck down and just listen instead.
‘I know. And you know I love you, but don’t you feel like there’s just some sort of imbalance? I’m always going to be on the sidelines, and this carry-on with Conal has just brought all those feelings to a head.’
This time when we fall back into silence we just sit in it.
I don’t know about Laura but I am terrified that whatever I say now is going to be the wrong thing.
I feel ashamed, and scared, and so very bloody sad.
Because this is not how this year of rediscovering ourselves is meant to go and I never for one moment thought there was a wider issue of her feeling disconnected to Niamh and me.
We’ve enjoyed the best year of rebuilding our friendship, trying new things, travelling together – on our weekend retreat, and a city break in Amsterdam.
We’ve taken up wild-water swimming, and yoga.
We even did one of the singalong brunch thingies where we drank too much, sang too loud and had a blast.
For goodness’ sake, less than an hour ago we were bopping to Whitney Houston together and now we’re sitting in McDonald’s car park, possibly looking like drug dealers.
Drug dealers who are going through some sort of weird break-up.
Okay, so I sensed something was up but not this.
It has knocked the wind out of my sails and I’m not sure what to say.
‘I… I think I’m not quite fitting in with a lot of my old life right now,’ she says eventually, in a small voice.
‘You’re going through a lot of change. You’ve been going through a lot of change for a while.
Your mum, starting university, even Robyn getting older and getting ready to fly the nest…
It’s bound to make you question everything but I promise you that we – Niamh and I – we love you very much.
We always have. Even if we… if I… fucked up before.
And if you’re willing to be friends with me even if things go sideways with Conal and we don’t manage to get over this current hurdle… ’
‘You’ll get over the hurdle,’ she says in typical Laura fashion, deflecting the attention away from herself – doing what she can to make sure she doesn’t have to have the big serious conversation about herself.
I know her game and I would call her out on it.
I will call her out on it but just as soon as I’ve heard what she has to say because I am selfish and I do want to know why she believes Conal and I will get over this hurdle.