Chapter Fifty Just Do Better
Back in her apartment, she unpacked and threw a load of laundry in the washing machine.
Figuring she might as well clear the air with Alex and Tommy, especially since she was sure Tommy was upset that she had met with Thorn first, she sent a message over social media asking them both to come to her apartment for dinner.
She decided to confront them at the same time since they had worked together to plan the party.
She also made it clear in her text to Alex that he wasn’t staying the night.
She wanted to get up early the next morning and go into the office to catch up on work, and didn’t want him trying to keep her awake all night to make himself feel better about his guilty feelings by pushing for sex and reassurance that she wasn’t angry anymore.
She might have forgiven the actions, but she wasn’t over it yet.
They both replied immediately, saying they would see her at six, so while her laundry ran through the cycles, she began making pita pizzas, a quick and straightforward meal that used pita bread as the crust and made for easy single-serving sizes.
It worked well when you had three people who liked completely different toppings.
At fifteen minutes to six, she put the pizzas in the oven and was switching her last load of laundry when HELIX let her know Tommy and Alex were headed her way. She quickly pulled the pizzas out, plated them, and set them on the table with Alex’s can of Coke and Tommy’s bottle of sparkling water.
When she opened the door and let them in, they both started apologizing and talking over each other.
“Guys, stop.” She held up both hands, feeling like they were bombarding her. “Just go sit down. Dinner’s on the table. We can talk while we eat.”
Looking like scolded puppies, they walked to the small dining area between the kitchen and living room and sat down. When Evie sat between them, she gestured for them to start eating and took a long drink of water, running over what she wanted to say in her head to make sure she had it right.
“First, I want to acknowledge that I shouldn’t have run off to the yoga and meditation retreat and shut off my phone without saying anything.
” She began softly, wanting to hold herself just as accountable as she was going to hold them.
“It was a coward’s move because I wasn’t ready to talk to either of you.
I’m not saying I shouldn’t have gone away, but I should have told you both that I needed space rather than having HELIX tell you. ”
“I know I worried you both, and I’m sorry.” She paused. “However, both of you have a habit of not listening to me when I tell you I need space when I’m upset. I need time to process why I’m upset and figure out if I’m being too sensitive and overreacting, or if I’m justified in what I’m feeling.”
She watched as they exchanged sheepish looks and raised her eyebrow. “What?”
“Nissa may have told us, repeatedly, to give you some space,” Tommy admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t listen because I was worried and didn’t want to admit that my girlfriend, who’s known you for just a few years, knew better than I did when it came to you.”
Alex nodded. “I didn’t like that she was telling me how to look after my girlfriend,” he said, shamefaced, poking at his food. “But I’ve heard from at least three people since Friday night that I clearly don’t know you as well as I should if I thought that was the kind of party you would want.”
Evie sighed softly. “It’s not that you don’t know me, Alex.
You just seem to think I don’t know myself.
You think that if you show me what I’m missing out on, I’ll change my mind and become some sort of social butterfly.
I’ve told you so many times that I don’t work that way.
I’m not afraid, I’m not socially anxious, I’m overwhelmed.
Bringing me to clubs or parties with large groups of people…
” She shook her head; she’d explained this so many times she felt like she needed to tattoo it to her forehead.
“It’s immediate sensory overload. Everyone’s talking at once, and there’s loud music, so I can’t hear anything but noise.
I’m surrounded by a lot of people, which makes me feel suffocated and trapped.
Everyone’s perfumes, colognes, and body odours mix with spilled, stale beer and cocktails, creating a smell so thick you can taste it. ”
She almost gagged thinking about it and took another sip of water.
“And I don’t like to drink, which, considering my mother was a closet alcoholic, I think is perfectly reasonable.”
“I know.” Alex leaned back in his chair. “And I think I know you’re not going to change deep down, but for some reason, I keep thinking, she’ll enjoy it this time. It’s not the same as the last one, there are different people, different things happening, it’s not the same place.”
“But all the things that overwhelm me are the same.” Evie pointed out, trying to be patient.
“The noise, the crowds, the smells. If you want me to meet your friends and get to know them, invite five or six people over for a game night or barbecue. Why does it have to be sixty or seventy people crammed into a room all the time?”
Alex looked like she’d slapped him with a wet towel. “I don’t know. It’s just what we’ve always done.”
Evie shook her head and forced herself back on track. She glanced at Tommy and saw him quietly eating his pita pizza, a faint, proud smile on his face.
“What?” she asked.
He looked up and shrugged. “It’s just incredible to see how far you’ve come with asserting yourself, that’s all.”
She let out a soft laugh. He was right. Two years ago, she would have forgiven them and let everything go. “Yeah, well, I’m not done asserting myself yet, and you’re not off the hook here either.”
She leaned forward, folding her hands in front of her as she looked at them both, noting with a slight hint of satisfaction that they were nervous again.
“You both fucked up.” She told them simply, her voice even and calm.
“I don’t want apologies. I know you’re sorry, but being sorry without change means absolutely nothing.
I don’t want excuses, explanations, or promises to make it up to me, because it never should have happened in the first place.
I’m hurt and confused about how two people who should know me better than anyone else completely fucked up my birthday and didn’t even notice I left until four hours later. ”
She watched as they exchanged looks again, both of them squirming in their chairs, and had to suppress her smile.
“So now the question is, how do we move forward from this?” She looked between them.
“I’m willing to let this go and forgive you both.
I’m not going to forget it, I won’t bring it up, but if something similar happens in the future, I’ll know you never listened to what I’ve said today, and you’ll definitely hear about it. ”
Tommy frowned. “You’ve made it hard for us to respond to that.”
“I agree.” Alex nodded. “Saying our apologies don’t matter, not letting us make it up to you…”
“Are your apologies supposed to make me feel better or you?” She picked up a piece of pizza and took a bite, chewing and swallowing as they watched her apprehensively.
When it became clear they weren’t going to respond, she continued.
“Because telling me you’re sorry doesn’t make the hurt go away.
And how would you possibly make it up to me? ”
“We could do it right this time,” Tommy said quietly.
“It should have been done right the first time.” Evie shrugged, taking another bite.
“You’re right. It should have been.” Tommy leaned forward, reaching for her hand and holding it tightly.
“We messed up. We one hundred percent dropped the ball. No excuse or explanation will make what we did better, because neither of us stopped to ask, ‘Hey, is this really what Evie would want?’” He squeezed her hand gently.
“And you’re right again; wanting to apologize to you is to make us feel better and put the load back on your shoulders.
If we apologize, it comes down to you forgiving us, and if you’re not ready to forgive, we shouldn’t make you listen to the apology.
We just want to help you heal from our very thoughtless actions, because knowing you’re hurting because of us is tearing us up. ”
“So please let us do something to show we understand we were wrong and prove to you that we want to make you happy,” Alex added imploringly.
“You’re once again making this about you guys feeling better, though.” She pointed out calmly. “I don’t want you to do anything. I don’t want big gestures, gifts, or anything like that. Just do better going forward.”
They seemed to realize she wasn’t going to give in and nodded resignedly. She told them to eat their food and watched, amused, as they obediently picked up pieces and began eating.
“Did you really spend four days at a retreat where they wouldn’t let you use technology?” Tommy asked suddenly, confusion creasing his forehead. Evie chuckled, knowing that was unfathomable to him.
“Yeah,” she nodded, sipping her water. “It was surprisingly pleasant not having to worry about messages, phone calls, and emails. They didn’t even have TVs, and the only music was relaxing piano songs or Tibetan chanting.”
“Sounds… nice.”
She could see neither Tommy nor Alex thought it sounded nice at all, but his question reminded her about her frozen phone, so rather than try to explain why it had actually been relaxing, she excused herself to grab it, brought it back out, and handed it to Tommy.
“It won’t even let me power it down and restart it.” She explained as he picked it up, frowned, and pressed the power and volume buttons to try to restart it. “I didn’t want to do a hard reset. I’ll lose anything that’s not backed up to the Helios drive.”