2
2
H ow many olives do you suppose would be lethal? Because I’ve eaten a jar and a half. I’m salty and therefore needed a salty snack to find balance. It’s a delicate science, don’t look into it.
I thought that I had known emptiness before, but this is a catastrophic empty I could never fathom. I can either find something to fill it with or I can continue to lay here on my soft shaggy rug in my overly decorated bathroom and wait to fade away into a putrid stain on the floor. Maybe even both. But would I do that to my neighbors?
I sigh and let the empty olive jar I’ve been hugging roll away, waiting for the satisfying thunk it will make when it drops off of the elevated platform my large bathtub sits on. I don’t make a lot as a burlesque dancer, at least not anymore. Once upon a time though I got a hefty sign on bonus and I swiftly sunk it into this bathroom.
My safe space where my giant tub takes center stage lifted almost a foot above the rest of the room. Pastels and glitters shine on every surface and the only item of black is a large mural behind the tub of my legs adorned in a tutu photographed by a friend. A candid shot before I stopped really caring about the craft.
Hey, where is my thunk?
I glare and turn my head to see where the jar has gone off to and almost swallow my tongue when I catch a pair of eyes so pale lavender they could pass as white staring back at me. And attached to them is a massive wolf head leading down to a massive wolf paw that has stopped my jar from clattering to the floor.
“Ismael.” I gasp at first but then I’m scrambling to right myself and move faster than my brain can function, throwing my arms around his massive neck.
Beneath his fur I can feel grooves and ridges, blemishes as if he’s covered in scars and mutations. His skin is warm but the fur that decorates it is cold and my breath casts icy puffs across it. The tears that form in my eyes begin to freeze to my lashes. I know I should let go, never should have touched him, but I can’t be ripped away again.
“I’ve waited so long just to hold you.” I melt further into the strangeness of him. “All this time you’ve all touched me in ways I can’t live without now. Stoked a fever, teased me in my dreams and then you’re gone when I wake. I’ve always had to keep you a secret from myself. I thought I was crazy for so long and maybe I am. I just don’t care anymore. As long as I go where you go I don’t care.” I squeeze tighter and tighter as I babble, fearing he’ll pull away from me any moment and I’ll be alone again.
Always that fear of being alone.
“ Shhh .” It’s the softest sound I’ve ever heard and it calms me immediately.
Like a pup pinched at the neck, I droop into submission and just hang on waiting for what comes next. My face buried in his strange fur, my fingers tangled around knobs and grooves in his marred flesh. This wolf that can’t possibly be a wolf has come to me in my sanctuary and made me feel safer than it ever has. He was here just hours ago threatening to knock me unconscious and now without a word I feel as though he’d protect me from all harm.
Still silent, he lifts me into his arms, shifting into his humanoid form and cradling me to his chest. My heart beats so fast I feel it in my throat and I do my best to remain still, I don’t want to break whatever spell this is. I don’t want to rupture this moment.
Slowly, I slide my hand from the back of his neck down his shoulder to his chest just in front of my face. His skin looks just like crushed velvet, it’s not black like I thought but an impossible shade of violet. The surface of it gives slightly like Ebon’s shadows do and my palm rests on hard flesh beneath, not the lightly curled fur my eyes see. And under that, if I look really hard, like with Ebon, there’s a deep crimson thrumming throughout his chest.
“Incredible.” It slips through my lips and right onto his skin and I can’t take it back.
His steps halt, not that I have any idea where he was taking me. I don’t care, he’s taking me. Maybe Ebon will be there, maybe not. Surely Resheph will be, right? They’ve always seemed the closest, he and Ismael.
“You’re not as brave as you were earlier.” I can hear humor in his voice, like he’s provoking me to argue. “Why are you cowering now?”
“I’m not.” I tuck my hand under my face and lift my head to touch beneath his chin. Almost like we’re a normal man and woman off to bed or some other normal place to do normal things. “I’m just waiting for the endless void to swallow me up and enjoying the benefits in the meantime.” I shrug.
“Then why isn’t he here?” He grunts and continues down the hallway towards my kitchen.
“He?” I lift my head as we enter my kitchen and he sets me onto my island, disentangling from me carelessly and moving to my fridge.
“Ebon.” I tuck my legs under me and spin so I can keep my eyes on him as he talks, sputtering my hair he’s left tossed in my face out of the way and over my shoulder. “He’s a literal void, the Void. He’s where you go when you’re not exactly dead, ya know? Coma, deep sleep, REM sleep, dementia, anytime Resheph drones on about his latest lace project.” I hear bottles and containers clank and clatter as he moves them around and collects what he wants from the shelves. It’s totally bizarre.
But I’m into it.
“So that’s really space that he brings around with him?” I try to peek around his large frame to see the items he’s gathering on the counter but it’s impossible so I settle for watching his powerful muscles shift along his back and sides.
The snowy fur at his nape falls into a point between his shoulders that’s been fashioned into a small braid. I smile because it seems slightly out of character with what little I know about him. For the first time I notice he’s wearing pants and he’s not just nude entirely. They’re snug against him and blend in very well with his skin tone so if you weren’t looking, you’d miss them. There’s a notch at the top of the waist where his tail hangs down and a glint catches my eye as it swishes slightly.
He’s got some kind of charm hanging from his back pocket. Braids and charms. I’m at a loss, but still totally into it.
“Space huh? That’s what you see?”
“You don’t?” I look up when he glances over his shoulder.
“No. He’s ugly as hell when I see him.” He shakes his head and returns to what he’s doing. “There’s no real rules to the Void. It’s different for a lot of people. Some see bright light, some see fractals, some have seen Elvis I guess. He has no control over it, it’s just luck or unluck of the draw.” His hands go up in a ‘what are you gonna do’ gesture and I giggle a little.
I don’t miss how his tail wags a little bit.
“You’re not as formal as he is.” I note, swinging myself around to hang my hair over the end of the counter with my feet in the sink.
I do a happy cat stretch knowing my pearl clutching mother would shit herself about it and rest my hands with my fingers interlocked on my abdomen. I keep waiting for the absurdity of all of this to hit me properly and melt into a blubbering mess no one can communicate with. But I just feel comfortable.
“He’s never been human.” He answers simply and my head slaps to the side, smooshing my cheek on the cool marble.
“You’re human?” I don’t mean for it to sound so harshly skeptical but, come on .
“ Was .” He corrects with a tilt of his head. “Sort of. Mostly .” He finally turns around with a massive sandwich in his claw tipped hands, but it’s just a head of lettuce sliced in half and stuffed with meat and veggies and cheese and all the best stuff I keep stocked for my epic salad and sub nights.
“Most of my present mind was part of a very human person at some point. And then there are parts of my subconscious that come from someone else, some of it from some where else. You really just learn not to ask questions. There are answers floating around out there that no one needs or wants to know.”
It’s halfway through his third bite that I realize he’s been speaking the entire time he’s been eating his leafwich monstrosity and I hadn’t even noticed. It makes sense though, doesn’t it? I mean, he has a wolf head. He’s not rocking a fat pair of DSLs over there or anything. What did I honestly think was happening? HIs voice carries as if he were speaking out loud and all is perfectly normal. It’s just a Tuesday.
“Wait. Did you put jelly on that?” I curl my lip and try not to sneer too much and insult him. Maybe he’s an artisan chef where he’s from.
“Jalapeno. I like it with the gouda and turkey. Could’ve passed on the cranberries but I wanted to try something new.” He shrugs with one last massive bite. “You planned to confront us.” He leans back against the counter and crosses his arms over his chest, the powdery fur of his hands starking in contrast to his dark chest.
His dichotomy is ever enchanting.
“I’m sorry?” I lean up on one elbow at his sudden change in demeanor. Less playful, more demanding.
“That’s what all of this was tonight. The ridiculous amounts of food, the open windows, low lights and fancy fabrics all over. All of it to placate us so we were malleable when you confessed that you were privy to our visits this whole time. You set lures for each of us and got us all here, for what? What was your plan after that?” He looks at me expectantly.
I sit up fully and hang my legs over the edge of the island, folding my hands into my lap. Ankles crossed and all the seriousness I can muster, I forge ahead.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“All of this?” He begins stalking through my kitchen opening my fridge again, followed by several cabinets and my pantry. “You’re stocked for ten winters but you’re just one small female. You had all of your windows open for Ebon tonight despite locking them tight religiously and checking them frequently. And you had lace garments all over the dark corners of your room where Resheph could inspect and imagine recreating them without worrying about being seen. You want to tell me you didn’t set this all up?”
“I’m telling you that is factually absurd, Ismael.” I shake my head and blink my eyes in genuine astonishment because I didn’t do any of those things.
Did I ?
I spin in my pantry as best as I can with the horde of food that’s stacked over my head and in teetering piles I most definitely do not remember making or buying.
“I don’t know where any of this came from.” I mumble dumbfounded.
Ismael gently pulls me out of the chaos when my elbow bumps something and I almost take a massive can of chili to the head.
“You’re sure?” He asks but I can tell he’s just humoring me.
“I’m positive!” I glare at him. “I make enough to splurge on Audioboooks, I don’t have money for all of this . And like you said, I could never eat it all on my own.” I turn back to the open, and overflowing, refrigerator. “The crisper and top shelf are all that I keep stocked. Stuff goes bad, otherwise, I can’t eat it fast enough.” I wave a hand at it and face him again with a questioning look, like maybe he’ll have an explanation.
“That is…odd.” He agrees with a nod, and perhaps…suspicion?
“Well, I couldn’t have you eating the woman out of house and home now could I?” A raspy feminine voice comes from behind us and I jump.
Ismael blades his body to keep me behind him as we turn to face her.
“Mother.” Ismael greets her with a shallow bow of his head and I lean to get a better look at her.
She’s eerily thin and tall with spindly limbs and dark hair nearly touching the floor in straight locks. Her arms are folded in front of her with her hands hidden in the sleeves of a brightly embellished white kimono. Her porcelain white face is devoid of any features save for a bright glowing gold light across the bridge of her nose where her eyes would be.
Her sleeves shift slightly as if her hands are constantly moving beneath them and her head tilts here and there as if she’s catching whispers as they pass. She reminds me of an Orchid Mantis perched on a beautiful flower that will still never compare. It makes perfect sense she would be his mother. It nearly hurts to look at her because she’s so prepossessing.
“Son.” She answers him with what sounds like a slight scolding tone. “Why are you trying to hide her from me?” There’s a soft giggle at the end and I feel my cheeks tingle with an answering smile.
She’s simply captivating.
He steps aside and encourages me forward with a soft push to the small of my back. I move to shake her hand, because what else do you do when meeting one’s mother? Even one who appears to be some giant angelic bug lady. I hear Ismael begin to speak but his mother cuts him off with a hiss and she meets my handshake.
“Izanami.” She introduces herself and lifts her hand, hands- many many hands, from her sleeve to shake mine.
I giggle again at the feel of a million butterfly kisses all along my hand and arm. It’s like peeking through a window into a happy childhood memory. I feel a lightness enter me and something in the back of my mind runs off so fast I don’t catch what it is before it’s gone.
“I’m-”
“I know.” She answers with a boop to my nose and brushes a lock of my hair behind my ear.
A happy tear slides down my face and a breath full of elation falls from my lungs. I’ve never felt anything like this. I don’t have words or comparisons. I look to Ismael for guidance and he looks utterly aghast at what’s happening.
My brow furrows and his mother tsks.
“Oh, stop sulking.” She scolds. “You all need this. And deserve it. It’s high time I reward you for your work.” She glides by us to glance into the pantry, resuming her regal stance with an expectant stare at him.
“I don’t understand.” He mumbles.
“Don’t mutter. I gave you speech, use it.” She cants her head at him and looks at me. “Such a hound.” Looking back to him she continues. “You and your brothers have been approaching your limits for a long while now. Your quality in work has declined and I know that it’s purely because you’re not motivated. I’m not showing you enough appreciation for what you do and I need to take accountability for that. You were brought into this world with mounting expectations and it’s not fair. I see that now. So I’m doing my part to make the appropriate changes. I’ve been listening to your hearts, as Roxette would say, and I also heard them. You’re lonely.” She points at me. “So is she.”
I bite the inside of my cheek and curb offense because she’s not wrong.
“Ebon wants appreciation.” I swear I see a blush cross her cheeks. “She..appreciates.” I absolutely blush and look down at the floor ignoring Ismael’s gaze on the side of my face. “My sweet Resh wants to be seen . Not for the mutation he insists he is, but the inquisitive and caring soul he has always been. This woman would slice away her own eyelids to never look away.” She glides over to him and palms his massive head in her delicate hands. “You don’t need a human form for any of it. None of you do.”
A canine whine resonates from his chest and his muzzle curls back with folded ears as if he’s feeling ashamed.
“I know it’s what you thought you wanted. I know you thought me cruel for denying it all this time, but it’s because I knew she was coming. She was waiting for you.” Still clasping his face she looks at me. “The others may need time. I’ll leave you two to discuss while I explain things to them. You’ll all reside here as you see fit. You’ll find the home has become accommodating for all of you, and before you chide me about privacy Ish, I already told you I listened and heard all of you. She’s more than okay with all of it.” She pulls his head down so their foreheads meet. “Enjoy being kept .” The last is whispered with a soft laugh and that’s it. She’s gone.
Tiny pink petals litter the floor where she stood but that’s all that remains of her presence.
“I love your mom.” I beam at him with a massive smile that could put Chip Skylark to shame and bounce on the balls of my feet.
He looks at me like I’ve gone mad and I just giggle even more and grab his hand. He barely resists as I clutch him and race with zero speed due to the metric ton I’m attempting to drag with me. My mind zigs and zags with all of the possibilities but for now I just want to get him to my room.
Where I saw him first.