Chapter 13
‘OK, start at the beginning,’ I say to Robert. ‘What was the thing that triggered the row?’
‘It was this holiday, in a roundabout way,’ he replies. ‘We were supposed to be saving to raise some money so we could buy a house and move in together, so I was a bit surprised and put out when she announced that she’d signed us up for an all-inclusive in the Caribbean.’
‘Did you tell her you were unhappy about it?’
‘I did, but she told me to lighten up and stop being such a killjoy.’
I try not to smile. Killjoy is exactly what he’s been on this holiday so far.
‘What did you say?’ I ask.
‘It was a pretty short conversation. She’d already told Amy that we were both coming, and she said that we were both working so hard it would be good for us to take a little break.
I told her a little break was a trip to the Isle of Wight, or something like that, not bloody Jamaica, but she stuck to her guns, saying it wouldn’t push our plans back by much. ’
‘So, you came around to the idea.’
‘Not really. I mean, if I was going to spend that much money, I’d want to spend it on something to make me happy, not sodding navel gazing at a hideously expensive spa, surrounded by all her friends. I was a bit pissed off about it, and I felt manipulated if I’m completely honest.’
‘You resented it.’
‘Yes. So I decided to make a point.’
‘Which was?’
‘To spend the same amount on something for me.’
I can see where this is going. ‘What did you buy?’
‘A car. Well, not just any car. A classic MGB from 1975. I’ve wanted one for ages and I guess I thought “fuck it”. If I don’t do it now, I’ll be up to my ears in mortgage until I’m too old to even get in it.’
‘Let me get this straight,’ I tell him. ‘You were so annoyed at the cost of this holiday that, rather than trying to talk Fliss out of it, you went and spent even more on this classic car? Seems a little counterintuitive to me, if you were trying to save money. How much did you spend?’
‘It was, umm, a bit more than the holiday.’
‘How much?’
‘Just under eight grand. I got a bit carried away.’
‘Bloody hell, Robert.’
‘That’s a lot more polite than what she said.
’ He laughs humourlessly. ‘She was furious. I tried to explain that, unlike a holiday where the money just goes up in smoke, the car would probably keep its value or even be an investment, but she was beyond listening by then. She called me every name under the sun and, of course, the more she did that, the more I dug my heels in. The real clincher was when she called me selfish, though.’
If the cap fits, I think to myself, but once again I manage not to say it.
‘Don’t you think it might have been a slightly selfish thing to do?’ I ask carefully.
‘It probably wasn’t my finest hour, but there’s a world of difference between a single selfish act and being selfish all the time, isn’t there?’
‘Go on.’
‘I mean, I’ve given up lots of things for her in the past. To say I’m selfish, just because of one thing I did, that’s not fair.’
‘What things?’
‘Eh?’
‘What things have you given up?’
‘I can’t name them right now when you put me on the spot, but I did stuff for her. She also said I was lazy, and she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life picking my clothes up off the floor because I couldn’t be arsed.’
I move my eyes to the pile of clothes he swept off the bed earlier and raise my eyebrows.
‘I was going to put those away tomorrow,’ he says sheepishly.
‘OK, so she called you selfish and lazy. Anything else?’
‘She told me I either had to take the car back right now or that was the end of us. I tried to explain that it was a private sale and I couldn’t just take it back, but that just made her even angrier.
She shouted that we were over and she never wanted to see me again, before storming out and slamming the door behind her. ’
‘How did you feel?’
‘How do you think I felt? She’d basically carried out a wholly unfair character assassination of me.’
‘So then, when she got in touch to tell you to sell your ticket to me…’ I prompt.
‘Yeah. She said she’d found someone else to share the room so naturally I thought she’d moved on already, which made me even angrier with her. What better way to punish her for everything she’d said and done than being all the things she’d accused me of?’
I sigh. ‘And how’s that working out for you?’
He smiles ruefully. ‘Not great. I assumed I’d pitch up at the airport, triumphantly deliver the news to the new boyfriend that she wasn’t coming so he might as well fuck off home, before having ten days in the Caribbean to savour my victory.
Instead, I got you, and everything else is just reminding me of her and what I’ve lost.’
‘You’ve really made a mess of this, haven’t you,’ I tell him gently.
He nods. ‘I just wish I could put it right. I’d even sell the bloody car, because every time I look at it, I just feel miserable.’
‘This is a really stupid question, but have you tried apologising?’
He looks suddenly indignant. ‘Why should I apologise? She was the one who called me all those names.’
‘Yes, but you were being a bit of a dick, Throbbert. If you apologised for that, maybe she’d apologise for calling you selfish, lazy, and the other things.’
‘I don’t know. I mean, she was pretty cut up about the holiday too. I’m not sure there’s anything to be gained.’
‘Let me ask the question a different way. Deep down, you still love her, don’t you?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Hmm. I don’t think you’d have been crying the way you were if you didn’t. If you could wave a magic wand and go back in time, would you do things differently?’
‘Of course I would!’
‘How?’
He thinks for a moment. ‘Maybe I could have been less… Oh, I don’t know. She isn’t completely blameless, you know.’
‘OK. Let’s go back to the beginning and role play. I’ll be Fliss and you can be Throbbert.’
‘I wish you’d stop calling me that.’
‘I tell you what. I’ll make a deal with you. Show me you’re capable of not being a dick in this role play, don’t be a dick for the rest of the holiday, and I’ll stop calling you Throbbert. What do you think?’
‘Fine.’
‘Good. I’m going into role now. Hey, Robert. Amy, Stuart, Lily and Dan are all going on holiday to this amazing-looking place in the Caribbean and they’ve invited us to go with them.’
Robert rolls his eyes. ‘Do we really have to do this?’
‘Yes. Come on.’
‘Umm, Fliss. I don’t think that’s a very good idea, particularly as we’re supposed to be saving up for a house.’
‘It’s a discounted rate, so it won’t set us back by much. Don’t be such a killjoy.’
‘It’s still a significant amount of money and, if I was going to spend that much, I’d want to have something to show for it at the end. Going on this holiday is basically setting fire to money that I thought we’d earmarked for moving in together.’
‘Did you say that?’
‘No. I should have done, I realise.’
‘It’s a good point, and you made it rationally. It might not have made any difference, but I think we can both agree that it’s better than just going and spending another truckload of cash on a car to piss her off.’
‘She was really set on it though.’
‘Then you could have suggested she find a friend to go, because you’d rather save the money so you could move in with her sooner. Gets you off the hook in a way that makes her feel loved.’
‘Shit. You’re good at this. Why didn’t I think of that? And don’t just say because I’m a dick and call me Throbbert again.’
‘No. If I’m to give you any leeway, I’d say it’s probably easier in a role play than in the heat of the situation.’ I take a big mouthful of tea, draining the cup. ‘Final question. Ready?’
‘Go on.’
‘If there was a way to get her back, would you do it?’
‘Is there?’
‘Doubtful, but I don’t think you’re completely out of options. It would be risky, but is she worth it?’
He sighs. ‘In every possible way, but I don’t have the first idea where to start.’
I smile at him. ‘Deal number two. I’m happy to try to help on the proviso that you cease and desist from all Throbbert-ish behaviour with immediate effect. We might even be able to enlist Amy and Lily to help if we’re lucky.’
‘I don’t want to be a charity case or have the three of you gossiping about my private life behind my back.’
‘OK. Just me then.’
‘Why would you help me?’
‘One, because I’m a sucker for a happy ending, even when that looks unlikely, and two, because it means I’ll actually be able to enjoy this holiday that I’ve spent a similarly significant amount of money on without you banging and crashing around like a bear with a sore head. Now, do we have a deal?’
He smiles and holds out his hand for me to shake. ‘Deal. Can I ask you a question now?’
‘Sure.’
‘You and Stuart…’ he begins.
‘Yes?’ I ask, aware that my heart has started thudding in my chest. What has Stuart said to him?
‘He said you banged, back in the day. He wasn’t very polite about you, actually. I’m confused, because the Tori he described wouldn’t have offered to help me like you just did, especially after the way I’ve been behaving.’
‘When you say he wasn’t very polite?’
He thinks for a moment. ‘I think the main points were that you were emotionally draining and not up to much in bed.’
My relief that Stuart has obviously only shared our ancient history, and not New Year’s Eve, is swiftly replaced by indignation. Before I can think better of it, my mouth is running away with me.
‘I see. And this from a guy that’s so shallow he’d find a puddle emotionally draining,’ I shoot back hotly. ‘Also, not that it’s any of your business, it takes two to tango and Stuart couldn’t even find the bloody dancefloor.’
I’m just cursing myself for sinking to Stuart’s level when I become aware that Robert is laughing softly.
‘What?’ I ask him.
‘Couldn’t even find the dancefloor,’ he repeats. ‘That’s funny. Do you know what? I think I’ve misjudged you. You’re all right, Tori.’
It feels like I’ve only been asleep for five minutes when I’m woken up again by a furious pounding on the door.
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’ Robert groans from his bed before calling out, ‘Who is it?’
‘This is your breakfast call,’ Amy’s voice trills from the other side of the door. ‘Rise and shine!’
With a sigh, I pull back the duvet and swing my legs out, before padding across to the door of our room and opening it.
Amy is on the doorstep, looking immaculate in a hot pink T-shirt over perfectly pressed bright yellow shorts.
Behind her, Stuart’s eyes seem to have locked onto my chest. I glance down to see whether I’ve spilled something down my top, only to discover that the outline of my nipples is clearly visible behind the fabric.
I shoot him a filthy look before crossing my arms to cut off his view.
I return my gaze to Amy, who is scowling with displeasure.
‘You’re not even ready!’ she exclaims crossly.
‘For what?’ I ask.
‘Oh, for goodness’ sake. Didn’t you read the WhatsApp schedule I sent? We’re all having breakfast together at seven each morning.’
‘It’s very early, Amy. Can’t we meet at eight, or nine?’
‘No!’ From the way she says it, you’d have thought I’d suggested we all take up drowning kittens as a hobby.
‘I explained all of this in the group chat. We need to get there early for two reasons. One, to get the buffet at its freshest and best, before everyone else has poked and pawed at it. Two, so we can get the early treatment slots. It’s Ayurvedic massage at nine sharp today, if you remember.
You’ll just have to throw some clothes on and come as you are.
Lily and Dan are already down there. Chop chop.
I’ll see you both in five.’ Without waiting for an answer, she grabs Stuart’s hand and marches off.
‘Is she always like that?’ I ask Robert as I hastily pull out a bra, T-shirt and shorts and head for the bathroom to get dressed. ‘It’s like being on holiday with the Duracell bunny.’
‘Yup,’ he calls after me.
‘I don’t remember signing up for an Ayurvedic massage,’ I call back. ‘I don’t even know what one of those is.’
‘She’ll have booked you on it and, if there’s one thing you need to know, it’s that saying “no” to Amy rarely ends well.
’ There’s a pause before he calls out again.
‘I’ve just looked it up online. Ayurvedic massage is rooted in Ayurveda, an ancient Indian medicinal practice.
Ayurvedic massage typically involves the application of warm, herb-infused oils to the body, with a focus on stimulating specific energy points called Marmas to help you keep your three Doshas balanced.
Basically, it’s a massage with some nice-smelling stuff dressed up in a load of woo-woo. ’
‘And are we all supposed to be doing this?’
‘God, no.’ Robert laughs. ‘This stuff is strictly ladies only.’
‘So what are you going to be doing while I’m having my Doshas balanced?’
‘According to Stuart, Amy expects us to go and work out in the gym.’
‘And will you?’
‘Absolutely not, but we’ll tell her we did, to keep her happy. We’d better hurry, Amy’s obsession with punctuality makes the Japanese railway system seem lackadaisical.’
‘Something of a niche reference, Robert,’ I tell him as I come out of the bathroom, tugging my T-shirt into place.
I would have liked more time so I could have had a shower, as I’m feeling a bit gritty after travelling all day yesterday and getting so little sleep, but Amy’s tone made it very clear we were already in the doghouse.
Having successfully reached a truce of sorts with Robert, the last thing I want is to start a new war with Amy.
‘Sorry,’ Robert says as he holds the bedroom door open for me.
‘It probably makes more sense to me because I spent a month working out there a few years ago. Japan’s railways transport over seventeen million people a day on over twelve thousand trains, but the average delay is less than a minute. Impressive, wouldn’t you agree?’
‘And Amy is even more precise than that?’
He grins. ‘You’ll see.’
The air is already warm as we head across to the main restaurant for breakfast, but we’re pretty much the only guests up at this time.
Some of the hotel staff are pushing large trolleys laden with linen, getting ready for the day’s cleaning, but we appear to be alone otherwise.
I glance across at Robert as we walk. He seems a totally different person from yesterday, thankfully, but I realise my hopes of not antagonising Amy have already gone up in flames as we reach the dining room and I spot the rest of the group already sitting at a table.
Lily smiles and waves us over, but the expression on Amy’s face is far less welcoming.
Oh, good. Another difficult day in paradise looms. I wonder what time Raphael’s bar opens?