Levi #4
“I suppose that’s true,” I said slowly, not sure how I felt about his assessment.
I knew he was right: a leader often had to make decisions for others, even if they wouldn’t like it.
At the same time, there was something...
violating about the idea. I accepted it had to be done, but I didn’t have to like it. “What would you advise?”
He flinched, eyes widening. “What? Why are you asking me?”
It was a fair question. It wasn’t like I had ever consulted him about anything related to my work, so why would I now?
Especially when he had limited knowledge of the situation, mostly because I intentionally kept him in the dark.
Yet at the same time, he was clearly able to peer around the corners of the walls I put up for his safety, something I had to note was a prime example of decision-making for others that I found uncomfortable.
Ah, you’re beginning to see the core of the problem. Is it hypocrisy on your part or just the side effect of being human?
Personally, I didn’t think there was a difference between the two.
Humans could lambast liars and hypocrites all they wanted, but we all were when you scratched the surface.
Our lies kept us safe from others, and our hypocrisy kept us safe from ourselves.
Lying allowed us to keep other people from ever seeing who we really were, and hypocrisy allowed us to deal with the sheer size and weight of reality as it threatened to crush us.
We had to tell ourselves that leading others meant sometimes making decisions for them, even though we would despise the idea of someone taking our autonomy away.
To acknowledge both truths at the same time and attempt to reconcile them was inviting a sort of madness you didn’t walk away from easily.
“Because you’re normal,” I said simply and frowned when an incredulous look crossed his face.
“You know what I mean, don’t start. How many people in my life live normal lives?
How many of them have enough grounding in the world most people in this country live in?
Only you. Only you can see what I would miss, because I’ve been surrounded by what it means to be a member of The Family; only you can speak on things that are just..
.normal. That, and who would I trust to speak honestly to me?
There are only a few people who are at my level, so to speak, and they will always have some plan or scheme.
Augustine above me can’t be trusted to speak honestly, and anyone below me is likely to tell me what they think I want to hear.
So yes, you, because you are a normal person, and I know that even if you craft your words with care because you care about me, you will still give me the truth. ”
Dom stared at me for a moment. “Do you miss it?”
“Miss what?”
“Being normal, having a normal life. Being able to live without constantly worrying about the cops or feds, or what your prick of a dad might do if you fuck up, or having to look over your shoulder constantly to make sure someone’s not fucking you over, or that someone else might try to kill you.”
“Honestly? I don’t know,” I said with a shrug.
“My life has been this way for so long, it’s all I really know.
And that’s not a cheap cop-out or an attempt to minimize what you’re asking.
I can see what you’re getting at, but I lack the context to answer.
All I have are memories before I got into this life, and those are just that, memories.
They’re not the same thing as actively living a certain way and growing accustomed to it, so it’s all just..
. second nature. I know enough to remember what I no longer have, but I had to let go of that life a long time ago.
And I became so good at letting go that those memories no longer have the same.
..weight they once did. It’s like trying to remember another life, or remember one that someone else lived, and asking if I miss it.
This is my life now, and trying to wish, or even missing something out of my reach, is pointless. ”
“Alright, well that officially gets on my list of Most Depressing Things Anyone Has Ever Said to Me,” he muttered, frowning at the floor. “Not really a surprise, I guess. That’s a very...you answer.”
“I’m not sure if I should take offense or not,” I said, gathering the rest of my things and putting them in my pockets, checking my phone for new messages that needed to be dealt with immediately.
Nothing stood out, just Will checking in to confirm if he’d done something right, a couple of suppliers confirming that I did in fact want them to make the last-minute changes, an update on the bounty Los Muertos had put on my head for anyone bold enough, and a few other things that I dismissed to deal with later.
“It’s just...you,” he said, standing up. “I always used to think it was impressive that you could adapt to just about anything. You take things in stride pretty well for a guy who has control freak issues.”
I wasn’t fond of being called a control freak, but I couldn’t deny it either.
“Even someone with control issues can pivot sufficiently to keep their sanity. It doesn’t hurt that I put myself in this position.
Everything which followed was simply a consequence of that choice, and it was up to me to adjust accordingly. ”
“It’s still kind of impressive,” he said as he followed me into the hallway.
If the attendant thought Dom and I had got up to anything untoward in the dressing room, he never showed it.
As a professional, he made sure I’d found everything to my liking, chatting while we both pretended I didn’t spend a great deal of money at the establishment.
Dom kept quiet, but he never drifted far.
It was something I noticed he did, and I didn’t know if it was some protective instinct.
Not that I minded, but I didn’t need him to defend me.
“I’m hungry,” he announced as we stepped outside into the sun.
“Then let’s get some food,” I said. “What are you thinking?”
“I don’t know. Basset Park is nearby, and since it’s like, right next to the university, they’ve always got a bunch of food carts to pick from.”
“Hmm, sounds like a good idea.”
“Really? Huh, I thought you might insist on somewhere else.”
I glanced at him as we walked toward the park. “Why? Because I sometimes have expensive taste in food?”
“I mean, yeah,” he said without hesitation. God, he was such an ass, but at least he was an honest one, which put him leagues above most of the asses I’d been forced to deal with over the years. “I didn’t think you bought a meal if it was less than twenty bucks or something.”
“If you think my meals cost slightly above twenty dollars, then you clearly have no idea how expensive food can get,” I said with a chuckle. “And if you think I require food to be expensive for me to enjoy it, you clearly did not see the chicken nuggets in the freezer.”
Dom shot me a scrutinizing look before grunting. “They’re shaped, aren’t they?”
“Dinosaurs currently, and in a few months I’ll get the ‘spooky’ shaped ones, and occasionally I can find Christmas ones around the holiday season,” I told him. “I don’t skimp on the dipping sauces, though, so you have ground to stand on there.”
“I guess you had to find a way to spend money,” he said with a snort. “I probably don’t want to know what kind of sauces you get.”
“Probably not.”
“It’s not like stupidly fancy nuggets though, right?”
“Are you kidding me? They’re dinosaur-shaped.”
“I’m pretty sure with enough money you could probably find some high-end place willing to custom-order shaped nuggets.”
“Pfft, no. The only way you could consider them ‘fancy’ is if you grew up as a dirt-poor kid with a working mother who could only afford the good nuggets once in a while.”
“So...Tyson?”
“Exactly.”
“Nice to see you’ve kept your humble roots somewhere.”
“You trying to claim that anyone should be kept humble is the height of irony,” I told him dryly as we entered the park. It wasn’t nearly as busy as I remembered. “Hmm, quiet here.”
“It is Sunday,” he said. “And the summer semester, so there’s not going to be that many people around. Ugh, probably means there’s not going to be that much of a selection either, damn it.”
“When he’s not thinking with his dick, he’s thinking with his stomach,” I muttered, and when he gave me a sharp look, I smiled before turning away so he couldn’t see me grin. “The definition of ‘you are such a man.’“
“You said the same thing the first time we ever successfully fucked years ago.”
“Your first words were ‘man, I really want a sandwich.’ I think I’m justified in that observation,” I said, amused at how offended he was. “I suppose you should just be happy you found someone who looks upon that sort of behavior with fondness and mild exasperation.”
“I heard your stomach in there, you’re hungry too.”
“I never claimed I wasn’t.”
“And you’re just as horny as I am.”
“You have a rather active libido; mine just happens to be highly reactive. A boon for both of us, to be sure.”
“I like how you always find a way to agree with me that makes you sound like you’re the one who’s right.”
I grinned. “Augustine despises it.”
“Well, in that case, I want to take the sarcasm out of what I said and genuinely mean that I like it,” he said quickly, so fast in fact that it made me laugh. His hatred of Augustine was never going to change, and I was never going to try to change that about him either.
“We’ll just get a wrap then,” I said, pointing toward a corner of the park off to the side where a stand advertising wraps stood. We both made for it and ordered.
He’s always going to blame Augustine for where your life ended up.
That much I knew. Just like I knew there was nothing I could do to convince him that wasn’t the case.