Levi #5
No one wasted time as they got up and removed the lids from the trays.
The smell of the food was thick and rich, and I stared at the feast, feeling my mouth water.
It didn’t take long before I was filling my plate, and without wasting time, my stomach as well.
Everything was delicious, from the expertly carved prime rib with the drippings turned into a sauce, the buttery mashed potatoes, the green bean casserole made with fresh green beans and a homemade mushroom sauce that went down heavy but pleasantly, and even the—
“Cucumber salad,” I muttered as I stared at the chunks of cucumber and tomatoes, covered in a vinaigrette and sprinkled with herbs, including fresh dill.
“What’s that?” Dom asked beside me, a piece of mashed potatoes sticking to his chin.
I looked around the table and took note of everything I’d been eating and swallowed the next bite of mashed potatoes with more force than was necessary. “This food—”
“What about it?” Dom asked, setting his fork down.
“Is something wrong?” Matilda asked, looking at me worriedly.
“No, no,” I said quickly, smiling at her. “It’s wonderful. It always is.”
“Good, I was back there with some of my crew for a good part of the evening. No matter how many times you’re back there cooking, you always get a little nervous that you aren’t doing it right,” she said with a smile. “Don’t worry, as always, I make sure the staff all get plates as well.”
“These are my favorites,” I said softly, staring at the rolls with what I guessed was homemade cinnamon butter. “Everything.”
“I know,” she said, winking at me. “I’m sure you’re used to better fare than this, since Dom tells me you’ve made a chunk of change doing business.”
“None of it can compare to your cooking,” I told her. “Even my mom used to say the same thing when she was able to stop in.”
“She was such a wonderful woman,” Matilda said. “I know it’s been years, but...I am still so sorry she’s gone.”
“So am I,” I said, meaning it. It wasn’t that Dom hadn’t been enough to keep me on the ‘right’ path, but the loss was too much to handle with just his help.
It was, I knew, what finally drove me over the edge and let me convince myself there wasn’t enough left in Cresson Point to hold onto.
That I needed something I could throw myself into.
First, I had needed bloody revenge, and in the end, even that had been taken from me because I’d felt pity for the bastard as I’d stared into his beaten and bloodied face.
What would my life have been like if my mother hadn’t died?
If perhaps she had taken my advice that day and called in because she was so worn out?
What would my life have looked like if I’d realized I wasn’t nearly as alone as I thought?
That if I had taken the chance, I could have had a family. ..here.
I had thrown it all away in a pique of grief and desperation, refusing to see what was right in front of me. I had lost the chance to be here to watch Milo and Elijah grow into two goofy, obviously crazy about one another goofballs. I had missed watching Moira become a mother.
I hadn’t been here to see Dom go through his career and find a place to put all the anger and to make a name for himself.
I’d missed Mason dipping his toes into different waters.
I’d missed watching Jace, who was, by all accounts, a lost soul like I had been, brought in and given a place to find love and comfort.
Milo and Elijah’s journey to finding one another must have been a wonder to see, and it was no secret that Moira was crazy about Kayden in a way I suspected she’d never been before.
There had been so much I’d missed and even now.
..what was I to them? They were willing to let me back into the fold like it was nothing, like I was simply a boy who had lost his way and came wandering out of the woods one day.
Never mind that I was one of the wolves that prowled those woods; they were treating me like a sheep brought home.
I didn’t belong here any more than they did in my world.
Oh God.
“Excuse me a moment,” I said, pushing back from the table.
No one said anything as I got up, and I tried to avert my eyes as they watched me leave the room.
My head was filled with too many ‘what ifs,’ and it felt like my skull was going to crack from the pressure.
For the first time in weeks, I truly wished I had a handful of those little pills I used to take whenever my brain felt filled to the point of breaking.
Except now it wasn’t my head, really; this wasn’t business and numbers and logistics and shipping.
This was my heart, pumped too full, making me feel too much.
I avoided the public areas and instead wandered until I found a door leading outside. I stepped out into the evening air and breathed deep, not caring that the smell of garbage and smoke tainted it. The smell made me ache, and I turned to find someone in uniform smoking at the bottom of the steps.
“I’ll give you twenty bucks for whatever’s left of that pack, minus one to take with you until you get another one after you get off your shift,” I told her.
“Deal,” she said instantly, handing the pack to me and pulling one out to tuck into her apron for later. “I’ll even tuck the rock back under the door since you don’t look like you have a key.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Here,” she said when I was staring at the pack. I looked up to see her holding out a lighter as she propped open the door before disappearing inside.
It had been a while since I’d smoked, and it burned as I sucked it into my lungs, and the taste was like an ashtray, but I welcomed both sensations.
Really, what I needed was something to take my mind off what had just happened, to stop paying attention to the pounding and ache in my chest, and focus on something else.
I was lighting up the second one when I heard the door, and I sighed, knowing this was bound to happen. “I’m fine, you didn’t have to hunt me down.”
“Sure I did,” Mason said, surprising me.
I turned to find him standing on the steps above me, winking as he pulled out a thin cigar and lit it. “Or maybe I’m just here for a smoke of my own. Pretty much everyone was done anyway except Micah. The kid is a machine when it comes to food.”
“We all were at that age.”
“Mm, especially you.”
“Yeah, my body was storing all that food for years, so my final growth spurt at eighteen was primed and ready.”
“I thought you’d grown a few inches since the last time you were here.”
“People do that sometimes,” I said slowly. Something was up with him, and if I knew Mason, he had something on his mind he wanted to say. “Didn’t know you smoked.”
“Only cigars, usually the big ones that don’t come cheap. I might as well have a big fat one to feel like one of those fat cat millionaire businessmen.”
“That’s...certainly an aspiration.”
“Don’t judge me.”
“Please, everyone judges you all the time, Mason, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“True,” he said, lighting the cigar and giving it a few puffs before blowing a thick cloud of smoke. “Sometimes I smoke them to celebrate, sometimes to mourn something, and sometimes just because I feel like it.”
“Pragmatic,” I noted, eyeing him again. “So...which of the three reasons to smoke one of them is this?”
“Hmm,” he said thoughtfully, tapping the thin cigar on the railing to flick off the ash. “Bit of all three, I suppose.”
“Alright,” I said, sensing the rhythm of the conversation and deciding to follow it. “What’s there to celebrate?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked. “You coming back.”
“I’m touched,” I said, eyeing him warily. “And what’s to mourn?”
“You coming back.”
“Ah.”
“See, I have a few problems. And you taking off like someone lit your ass on fire was the perfect opportunity to see if I couldn’t deal with them,” he said, leaning on the railing.
“So you’re the reason you’re here instead of Dom,” I said, turning so I could see him now that we’d come to the real reason he was out here.
“Yep,” he said lightly. “I told him to stay put, I’d go find you and bring you back. It was about time you got to deal with the family without him around.”
“You do realize he didn’t buy that for a second, right?”
“Oh, absolutely. Dom is a lot of things, but he’s not a fucking idiot,” Mason snorted. “He knows I’m up to something, but he let me do it, so that says something.”
“Probably means he’s not happy about it, but he trusts you.”
“Silly man.”
“Is he?”
“You should know better than me, I think. Even a sibling doesn’t always know you quite like a best friend does...or a lover,” he said, looking down at me knowingly. “I really hope you don’t think the rest of us didn’t figure out the two of you are sleeping together now.”
“I figured,” I said with a shrug. “Not that we were trying to keep it a secret, but we didn’t feel the need to announce it either.”
“Poor Moira,” he chuckled. “She’s the only one left with any claim to heterosexuality. I mean, I was out a long time ago, and Milo is the only one who’s purely into dick, which we knew forever. Eli was a bit of a surprise, I guess, but I wasn’t really all that surprised, same with everyone else.”
“It seems to be working for them.”
“It’s more than working. Out of all the couples in this family, they’re the two I’d place the most money on.”
“Not you and Jace?”
He gave me a crooked smile. “We’re solid, we’re good...now.”
“Classy,” I said with a shake of my head.
“Arlo and Ward are still too new to really figure out how long that will last, but Ward definitely seems attached, and I don’t think I’ve seen Arlo so happy,” he said.
“Yes, Dom mentioned there was something he’d forgotten to tell me about Arlo and Ward, something that happened recently and involves the bruise on Matilda’s face.”
“Hmm,” Mason said, his fingers twitching, but catching himself at the last second. “That’s definitely a story. I’ll let him tell you.”