LULA
As the sun went down on another day, Dillon and I packed our clothes and necessities before walking with my sisters and Xena next door to spend the evening with my parents.
While Dillon played outside with the dog, I sat in the guest room and watched the video sent to me of Stevie awake and talking. The pink-haired beauty sounded drugged and confused. She kept asking where Cher was, even though they were in the same room.
Weeping quietly, I didn’t know how to cope with my guilt.
Bebe heard me crying and held me. My mind replayed yesterday over and over.
I’d been sloppy. I was on autopilot, having come and gone from the court so many times.
I wasn’t ready for an attack. I let my guard down.
In the end, even at my best, I wasn’t certain I could have changed the outcome.
“I want to fix what happened,” I told Bebe after my tears ended. “I feel like it’s a problem I can solve.”
“You know you got hurt as a little girl,” Bebe said as her voice broke. “More than once. I couldn’t protect you.”
My mom stroked my arm fractured during the attack on the mall.
Sighing, she shook her head. “I loved you so much, but I couldn’t defeat the bad guys.
There were too many of them, and they were stronger than me.
All I could do was try to survive and love you as much as possible.
It never felt like enough, but we can’t control the world around us. ”
“I wish I could skip ahead to a few weeks from now when things might be better.”
“But then you’d miss out on all the good moments, like when Stevie is released from the hospital and Cher wakes up. You’d miss Dillon’s upcoming piano recital. You’d also miss that biker taking you to lunch tomorrow.”
I smiled weakly. “I’m a horrible person to be flirting with Exile when my friends are in the hospital.”
“If you were in the hospital, and Cher and Stevie had handsome bikers interested in them, I bet they’d flirt, too.”
“Do you really think they would? I feel like I’m behaving coldly in that way I’m cold and other people aren’t.”
“No, you’re never cold. You’re just sensible when others are emotional. Certain people might view that as you being cold, but someone needs to remain calm when the rest of us are flipping out.”
“Am I being smart with Exile?”
I saw worry lingering around the edges of Bebe’s gaze as she mumbled, “I don’t know anything about him.”
“Neither do I, beyond a few things he’s shared and what I read in his file.”
Bebe’s gaze sharpened, and her expression shifted from concern to curiosity. “Fess up. I’m curious.”
I considered how best to explain Exile’s past without turning my mom against him.
“He grew up in South Dakota and now lives in a house in Baton Rouge with his younger sister and her two little girls.”
Bebe’s face warmed at the mention of children. She’d been hoping for more grandchildren, but so far, Sabrina, Vanessa, and Rowdy had refused to take the bait.
“He is the vice president of the Black Rainbow Motorcycle Club,” I continued. “He was in the Marines. He’s the man who untied me at the drop-off location.”
“That’s all you know?”
Sighing, I fidgeted with my hands and tried to find the right words. “His dad was a criminal.”
“So was yours.”
“No, well, yeah. His dad was more like Wolfman than Pax.”
Bebe lost her smile. “Like a pimp?”
“No, he had a normal job. But he was convicted of murdering two young women. The authorities thought he might have killed more.”
“A serial killer?” Bebe hissed under her breath and looked at the door as if worried we were being overheard.
“This all happened when Exile was around Dillon’s age.”
Bebe’s dark-eyed gaze glanced around the room before settling on my face. “I shouldn’t judge a person by what their parent did.”
“Exile is a stranger. He could be a monster,” I said quickly before adding in a pained voice, “But I hope he isn’t a monster because I feel an intense connection to him.”
“Because he saved you?”
“Because he’s gorgeous,” I blurted out and sighed. “When Exile looks at me, I never want him to look away.”
Bebe considered my words. I had never spoken of Jarred in this way. We were friends and then lovers before becoming husband and wife. Nothing magical happened between us. But Jarred was completely different with Alani, and I hoped I might create something special with Exile.
My mom took my hand and said, “He must feel something powerful for you since he came here unexpectedly.”
“Tomorrow will tell me what this is,” I insisted, as if my romantic life were a question to be analyzed and solved. “I’m glad he’s with Rowdy tonight. I don’t trust Tricky and the Jokers not to hassle him.”
“Tricky’s a slave to his emotions. There’s nothing wrong with that,” Bebe said and shrugged. “Pax is the same way. But I hope Tricky leaves your boyfriend alone.”
Grinning, I murmured, “My boyfriend.”
“How would dating work with Exile living so far away?”
“I don’t know.”
“Jarred left Little Memphis for Alani,” Bebe said, doing little to hide her abandonment fears. “Is that how you’d make it work with Exile?”
“I don’t know.”
With her lips tight, my mom mumbled, “I can’t imagine he’d walk away from his club to live here.”
“You’re stressing me out now.”
“Sorry, but I worry about things. It’s my job as your mom.”
“And worrying about where I might live isn’t as scary as worrying about the bad guys grabbing me, right?”
Bebe flashed a worried scowl. “I’m worried about everything.”
“Me, too.”
Hugging my mom, I felt weak in a way I rarely did. Even when I was tied up, I kept my mind busy with escape strategies. Now, though, I could only ping pong between stressing about what might happen with Exile and worrying about Stevie and Cher.
After cleaning up our tear-streaked faces, Bebe and I left the bedroom and joined the rest of the family. I sat between my mom and Vanessa outside on the deck while watching Dillon play with the foster kids, Elijah and Jenan, on the playset.
Next to me, Vanessa repeatedly watched the video of Stevie eating jello. My sister was the sensitive one in the family. She painted and loved gardening, but she was also an ace mechanic and tough chick.
When I went inside for a drink, I found Sabrina and Xandy consoling Moe in the kitchen. They stroked her head and whispered promises of better days. Sabrina was a hardheaded woman, but her heart was big enough to love two women.
I found myself longing for the comfort she shared with Moe and Xandy.
All evening, I felt myself coveting other people’s relationships.
I saw Pax and Bebe goofing together. In the next yard, Ford and Shay grilled outside.
His arm often slid across her shoulders, wanting her closer.
Clint and Ivy sat cuddled together, having eyes for only each other.
As the sun set, I felt like Exile was only a dream. I texted Rowdy to check on his guest. He reassured me that Exile was alive and well, except in the video games, where he got himself eaten.
The darkness outside began to play tricks on my mind. I felt overly nervous. I kept thinking about when the bag was on my head. I grew claustrophobic, even in my parents’ oversized family room.
Sabrina, Moe, Xandy, and Vanessa left around eight. The house fell quiet as the kids prepared to crash for the night. My paranoia increased.
Pax made a show of checking the security before I went to bed. My parents knew I was scared. Dillon likely knew, too, because she took a long time to sleep as we rested together in the guest room.
I hadn’t been afraid of the dark in years. I often took Xena outside in the middle of the night when she needed to relieve herself. Now, I found myself chasing shadows in the guest room, thinking I was under attack again.
Eventually, after Dillon dozed off, I hid in the bathroom. Sobbing behind my hands, I didn’t want to wake my daughter. She needed me to be strong. If I were fearless, she could put her anxiety behind her, too.
But I couldn’t escape my fear or argue my way to a solution. So many times, I’d taken on huge firms. I would rally every free hand in town to help me process filing after filing until those larger firms were ready to settle rather than to deal with me anymore.
Fixing what happened with the sisters wasn’t in my power. Beyond my guilt over their suffering was my own fear at how those men dragged me away from my life. I’d been completely powerless against them. More than once, one of them had felt me up as if bored and in need of something to do.
Though I had wanted to lash out, I kept my cool. I needed to stay alive. In my head, I swore I’d escape and kill them on my way out. I could totally picture myself being a super badass. But the reality was I got dumped on a bed in a back room until Exile saved me.
Unable to relax, I moved to the family room and watched TV with the sound off.
Around two in the morning, Pax shuffled out of his bedroom and dropped next to me on the couch.
He set a pillow on his lap, and I rested my head on it.
My tears dried as my dad stroked my hair.
We remained together for another hour, watching “Joy Ride” with the subtitles on.
Once the movie ended, Pax walked me to bed. We didn’t share a word, but I felt better as I crawled in next to Dillon. Pax stroked my head. His touch felt like an unbreakable promise. My dad would keep the monsters at bay while I let my guard down.
Hours later, I awoke achy and exhausted next to Dillon. Finding her reading on her phone, I peeked to check where she was in “The Great Gatsby.” I smiled at my daughter and hoped she got to accomplish her every dream in life.
After cleaning up, we joined my parents and the foster kids for breakfast. Dillon decided to go to school. Though I considered keeping her home, I chose to let her return to her routine.