Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
SERENA
“ G irl, don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like run over dogshit.”
I cast a baleful look at Marie as I finish stocking the pastry case before we open for the morning.
“Thanks, Marie. You really know how to make a girl feel good about herself.” My sarcasm is as dry and brittle as my current emotional state. Despite moving in with Dominick over the weekend and having him dote on me for the last forty-eight hours, I still feel raw and unsettled about moving and selling my home. Marie must sense how unamused I am by her observation, because she comes up to me and takes the tray of baked goods out of my hands.
“Hey, what’s wrong? I thought you’d still be delirious from all the cohabitation dicking down happening?”
“Maybe that’s the problem.” I blow out a sigh as I rub my tired eyes. “Dom and I spent all weekend ‘celebrating’, and I haven’t slept well in weeks. Between packing, moving Mom into Whispering Grove, selling the house, working here and barely passing my finals, I’m dead on my feet. I haven’t been able to keep any food down either, thanks to the stress.” I don’t even mention the nightmares that have been plaguing me since the shooting. If it’s not that night coming back to haunt me, it’s dreams of Dom catching Kai and I in compromising positions and him leaving me high and dry, homeless while footing the bill for Mom’s care on my own.
Even though I did the right thing and told Kai we needed time apart, guilt still eats at me for not confessing to Dominick about the kiss between us.
An indecipherable look passes over Marie’s face, like a cloud blocking out the sun. “What’s that look for?” I ask, narrowing my eyes in suspicion.
“You say you’re not sleeping and have been nauseous? How long has that been going on?”
“I dunno, three or four weeks? However long I’ve been dealing with this bullshit?” I pop a shoulder, too tired to do the mental gymnastics required to remember beyond what I had for dinner the previous night.
“Maybe you’re PMSing—is it time for a visit from your favorite aunt? Tell Dom to pick you up some chocolate and a bottle of wine and to give your kitty the night off.” Her voice has that light, forced airiness to it that someone uses when they’re trying to make a joke that falls flat.
I open my mouth to laugh off her suggestion and snap it shut when the cold realization hits me that she’s not entirely wrong. I should be PMSing. In fact, I should be three days into shark week at this point, based on how many of the inert sugar pills I’ve taken in my birth control pack. I always start on day two of the off week. Always . Marie immediately picks up on the panic that must be showing on my face.
“Shit, Rennie. When are you due to start?” Her voice takes on a hushed, serious tone when she asks the question that might upend my entire world.
“Three days ago…”
I’m sitting in the bathroom, staring blankly at the line of pregnancy tests on the counter as the timer on my phone counts down three minutes. After my shift ended, I made a stop at the pharmacy and picked up three different pregnancy tests to bring home. Marie offered to come with me for moral support, but the idea of her watching me have a mental breakdown over being pregnant while knocked up herself was more than I could bear.
Being faced with the very real possibility of carrying a child at this stage of my life has my stomach in knots, and it feels like I can’t breathe. As the timer on my phone goes off, the sound of the front door opening and closing carries up the stairs to where I am. Shit, Dom is home. Hurriedly I attempt to decipher the lines and symbols on the little sticks in front of me, desperate for answers.
“Hey, Kitten, you home? What’s for dinner?” Dominick’s voice calls out as he makes his way up to our bedroom.
I ignore Dominick’s call as my eyes scan over the tests. One horizontal line. One vertical line. One digital readout that says not pregnant. Not pregnant. Not pregnant. My eyes blur with tears as I crumple to the floor in relief.
“Hey, baby, what’s going on?” Dominick finds me in a heap, sobbing. I must look like a disaster, surrounded by empty pregnancy test boxes, still in my coffee-stained Brewed Awakening hoodie, makeup already half-ruined by tears.
“Are you hurt? What happened? What—” Dominick’s line of questioning cuts off as he takes in the mess surrounding me. I wipe the tears from my face in a bid to compose myself enough to tell him that I’m okay. Before I can say anything, I see his face light up as he realizes I’ve taken a pregnancy test. Multiple pregnancy tests.
“Serena…are…are we—” There is a manic glee in his words, so I cut him off before the excitement takes hold.
“No, Dom. No. I’m not. I, uh, thought I might be. I’m late, but the tests are all negative.”
“Negative?” Dom’s voice almost sounds…disappointed.
“Yeah, it’s okay. It must be the stress of the move making me late.” Something dark passes over Dominick’s face that forces the relieved smile on my face to falter.
“You’re right. It’s okay, Kitten. We can keep trying.” Dominick pulls me into a hug while patting my back reassuringly. It takes a moment for my brain to catch up to his words.
“Keep trying?” I push away from Dom, unsure if I heard him right.
“Yeah, we can try again. You’re right, you have been under a lot of stress. It’s not your fault; we can keep trying.” Dom pulls me to my feet and leads me to the bedroom while I try to process his words. When he leans in to place a kiss on my neck I pull away from him, my spine stiff with fear.
“We weren’t trying Dom. I am not in a stage of my life right now where I need to be pregnant. I’m not ready.” I back away from Dominick, needing space. The dark shadow that had passed over his face moments ago was back. “You can’t be disappointed. We’re nowhere close to being ready to have kids. I have another year of college to finish. We just started dating months ago… I’m only twenty-one.”
“I can’t be disappointed? You’re telling me what I’m allowed to be feeling? I’m not allowed to be disappointed the woman of my dreams isn’t pregnant with my child? Do you know how much hope you gave me when I walked into that bathroom and I saw those pregnancy tests? The idea of your body growing my child is the fucking hottest thing I can think of. We live together. We are getting married. Is having a child really so unthinkable?” My back hits the wall, and I realize Dominick has advanced on me during his tirade and has me caged in by his hard body. My pulse kicks up as fear floods my system at the harshness in his voice.
“Are you saying you don’t want to have my children?” Dominick’s eyes are the color of a storm over the sea, and my mouth goes dry at the coldness of his stare. Swallowing, I do my best to diffuse the situation.
“I-I just mean I’m not ready yet. I’m still enjoying our relationship being just us and getting to know you. We’ve had a lot of big changes recently and maybe we should settle in to our new life first before bringing a new one in. Of course I want to have babies. Just not right now.” I cup his cheek and lean up, placing a soft pleading kiss on his lips. After a long tense moment Dom pushes away from the wall and walks across the room.
When he turns back to me, he looks stricken with remorse. “I’m sorry, Kitten. I just got so excited when I saw those tests. The idea of your carrying my child, it’s…it’s everything.” My heart crumples at his confession, and I stride across the room, wrapping my arms around him in a hug. Selfishly, I was so consumed in my relief of not being pregnant I didn’t think about how Dominick would handle the news. I didn’t realize he was so eager to be a father. Silently I chide myself for being so self-absorbed.
“You’re right, baby. We’ve got time. We’ve got all the time in the world.” Dom’s words sound reassuring, but they don’t feel reassuring at all.